Counterfeit Pennies 07.07.03: Super-Sized Summer Edition!

From Wildwood to Wrestling (Reflections on Some Old-Time WWF Favorites)

It’s been a little while since my last column on 411mania – I think I say that every month or so, but alas, I digress … – but I wanted to fill everyone in on a few thoughts I had this weekend regarding some old-time wrestling favorites.

Before I get into it, here are a few of many tangent thoughts to come: Last week my fiancé Jen and I started working at the C.W. Post Summer Camp in Brookville, NY, which is soooooo much better than the evil, bee-infested Crestwood Country Day Camp in Melville, NY. We get a nice, small group of kids, some really cool walkie talkies, and best of all, free lunch! Hey, you can’t go wrong with Chicken Nugget Tuesdays and Pizza Thursdays.

Aside from the start of camp, Jen and I decided to use our free time this past extended weekend to hit up Wildwood, New Jersey. We did some cool things down on the Jersey shore, like walking the length of a huge 2 ½ mile long Boardwalk, seeing fireworks on the beach and visiting the National Marbles Hall of Fame.

One of my favorite moments of the trip was when we happened to pass through a Sports & Comic Book Expo being held at the Wildwood Convention Center. It was there the Internet Wrestling Columnist in me took charge of my multiple personalities (I always viewed myself as William Ragsdale’s character from Herman’s Head, with many different personalities that argue and bicker over the most random shit), as I came across an old collection of WWF action figures.

There they were, still in their original packaging: Kane, the REALLY EVIL HALF-BURNT FREAK WHO KILLED HIS PARENTS Kane, with a WWF Championship belt (kind of ironic that they made a Kane character with a WWF belt, considering he only held the title for 24 hours); The Big Boss Man, in his FULL BLUE UNIFORM AND SUNGLASSES, pre-Al Snow kennel matches and Big Show grave-robbing incidents; “The Rocket” Owen Hart, with a grin that should still be lighting up the WWF/E locker room, but isn’t; HBK Shawn Michaels in his actual prime; Mankind back when he was a deranged lunatic who hung out in boiler rooms and fell off Hell In A Cell cages; a pink-suited “Million Dollar Man” Ted DiBiase; Jake “The Snake” Roberts with Damian around his neck and pre-crack-cocaine addiction (actually it was probably during this time he was getting hooked on the stuff); Kamala; I.R.S.; Greg “The Hammer” Valentine; and even Bad News Brown was right there in the pile.

It was just kind of a surreal moment looking at these plastic wrestling action figures, because it kind of brought be back to that time in WWF when a) there were many more gimmick-based wrestlers and b) I was able to buy into these characters without any sort of pre-judgmental cynicism.

I almost wish I could take my childhood mindset and carry it with me like those sand in the bottle souvenirs. This way I can be reminded that sometimes it’s okay when spots are blown or vignettes muffed up, as long as they were at least trying to be creative. Like many professional wrestling enthusiasts, I have developed a critically trained eye that has grown to expect perfection and become annoyed even when the littlest thing goes wrong inside or outside the ring. I am pretty much fed up with that part of my personality, because it really stops me from relishing the entertainment aspect of the pro wrestling package.

Don’t get me wrong, a solid work rate and fresh storylines are still important issues that WWE needs to iron out. But perhaps the biggest problem facing Vincent K. McMahon and his cohorts over at Titan Towers is that the well of interesting and engaging gimmicks has run dry, partially because of writers’ woes. But maybe, just maybe, part of the blame should also fall on the apathetic and/or cynical nature of the idealistic childhood wrestling fan that has grown up and suffered one too many Santa Claus-type myths

“What, you mean that wrestling isn’t real? Hogwash!”
Me, in 1987, age 8 Favorite wrestler: Hulk Hogan.

“I know it’s scripted, but it’s still fun to watch!”
Me, in 1993, age 14 Favorite wrestler: Marty Jannetty.

“I can’t believe this crap: Why can’t they just bring back the old Hogan without that stupid, lame-ass Mr. America gimmick?”
Me, in 2003, age 24 Favorite wrestler: None since Mick Foley retired.

I have no problem taking some of the blame in that respect.

————————————————————————————————————

Why Ashton Kutcher Is What’s Wrong With America

The editors of People magazine called upon Americans two weeks ago to go online and vote for who’s the hunkiest bachelor in the world: England’s Prince William or America’s Jester: Ashton Kutcher. As of writing this column more than 600,000 votes were logged by America Online (AOL), and that got me thinking as to the type of power that young Ashton could potentially wield across the spectrum of popular culture.

If you think about it, the guy already has two hit TV series (That ’70s Show on FOX and Punk’d on MTV), two sizzling Hollywood romances (he recently parted ways with Brittany Murphy and is now being seen around town with Demi Moore), and even a couple of movies with co-starring credits that made decent headway at the box office (Dude, Where’s My Car with Sean William Scott and Just Married with Brittany Murphy).

This doesn’t even include the fact that imdb.com has FIVE movies listed under “Ashton Kutcher” that are to be released in the next two years: The Regulators (2004, announced), The Woods (2004, pre-production), Cheaper by the Dozen (2003, post-production), The Butterfly Effect (2004, completed), and My Boss’ Daughter (2003, completed).

Getting back to the whole People Magazine poll, what scares me is this: Who the FUCK is Ashton Kutcher, and why do we care so much about his sex appeal? I mean British royalty is one thing, as Prince William has been in the UK tabloids since birth and we already know he is pretty much a harmless figure in society. But it seems like more people are spending and wasting their time and energy to lobby for and declare Ashton Kutcher the hunkiest bachelor in the world than they are on more serious issues that exist in American popular culture.

I, for one, would much rather see a poll of children/teens regarding which actors and actresses – or which celebrities, for that matter – exert the most influence on their everyday life choices, e.g., food, clothes, violent/sexual behaviors, etc. I guess that wouldn’t sell many magazine covers or get 600,000 responses, because let’s face it America is obsessed with pretty faces rather than what’s behind them. (Even Einstein only started studying theoretical physics as a way to pick up as many women as possible, and to him his discoveries were merely gravy.)

I wonder what would happen, though, if Ashton decided to use his boyish good looks and ballooning popularity for evil rather than good. Could he trick pre-teens in America into watching B/C/D-movies in droves, or enable practical jokers everywhere to exculpate blame by saying, “But Ashton Kutcher did it!” What if he attached hypnotic devices to his eyes and turned all lookers into Michael Kelso replicas? (Hmm, maybe he already cajoled Demi Moore into a relationship by using Love Potion #1979!)

The point I am trying to drive home is that just because someone in pop culture has good looks, they shouldn’t necessarily receive the accolades they sometimes do get as a result of chic haircuts and stylish clothing. At the end of the day, I’m sure Ashton Kutcher isn’t such a bad guy I just think that perhaps People magazine should do more to accentuate people’s innovations and important societal contributions over TV fads and phenomena.

————————————————————————————————————

Why Sex and the City Is All Steak And No Sizzle

It’s about 10:00 pm on Sunday night, and as I write this, the light bulb on top of my head is still flickering between off and on while the events of the last two episodes of Sex and the City (SATC) keep simmering in my mind.

I have never been a huge mark for SATC {Extraneous footnote #1: a “mark” – as you all know here at 411mania – is someone who is a huge fan of a moment, event or person in popular culture; it is most commonly used by Internet wrestling columnists to describe certain events or characters they enjoy, e.g. “I marked out for Chris Jericho’s Highlight Reel on Raw, etc.}, mainly because I see the series as a blatant rip-off of two other shows I enjoyed in my childhood: Golden Girls and Doogie Howser, M.D.

The first connection is pretty easy to see and has even been noted by some local New York news outlets as of late. For instance, both Golden Girls and SATC track the lives of four unabashed women talking about sex and dating (as well as other female issues), all the while eating, drinking and being merry (the Golden Girls had cheesecake, while SATC has uses all of New York City’s trends and delicacies to serve as a backdrop for the ladies’ cavorting and bantering). I just look as the SATC girls as the pre-menopausal golden girls, each assuming their roles as one of the girls’ personas: Samantha is undoubtedly the risky and kinky Blanche Deveraux in the making; Charlotte is the flaky yet loveable Rose Nylund; Carrie as the anchor of the group is Dorothy Zbornak (with her only difference being that both Aiden and Big serve as her guest starring exes, rather than just having one: Stanley); and Miranda certainly serves as the outwardly cold yet longing mother of the group (Sophia Petrillo, anyone?).

The second connection – to Doogie Howser – is slightly more tenuous but still valid in my opinion. {Extraneous Footnotes #s 2-??: Max Casella, who played Doog’s best friend Vinnie Delpino throughout the series, recently wrapped up an impressive run as an original cast member of The Lion King on Broadway, playing Timone. Additionally, Doogie’s girlfriend Wanda, played by Lisa Dean Ryan, had another brief stint on the small screen in 1994 as Maria Cavalos in the MTV sci-fi series, Dead At 21, opposite Ed Bellamy from the Bon Jovi “Always” video.}

Anyways, the connection between SATC and Doogie has to do more with the shows’ highly comparable formats rather than their plotlines. Carrie begins the show narrating and/or typing on her laptop, then the other characters are brought into her world in some way, shape or form, and at the end of the half-hour she types and narrates some more just before the credits roll. If you think about it, isn’t Carrie doing the exact same thing that Doogie Howser did just 11 or 12 years ago?

I recall the way Doogie Howser always began was by Doogie narrating and typing on his computer, then the events would unfold that involved he and his co-stars, and then, guess what, back to the computer to wrap up the show just before the credits rolled. I’m just surprised Neil Patrick Harris didn’t sue Sarah Jessica Parker for gimmick infringement on this one!

The bottom line here is that it sickens me when people look at Sex and the City as a series that is or was fresh and innovative. I’ll give the girls kudos for their wits and, well, for boldly flaunting their other assets in their mid-30s and looking damn good doing so but that’s as far as I can go where critical acclaim is concerned. Is the show entertaining? Yes. Is it edgy? I honestly don’t think so, because why shouldn’t women in their mid-thirties cavort and banter about sex and dating?

That’s where Golden Girls gets the edge, because even though it was more innuendo than action, it was much more important for America at that time to see that older women were still women, even with decreased estrogen levels.

Forget the raw foods and dainty salad dishes pass me the cheesecake!

————————————————————————————————————

“Pop”-ular Expressions Answer/Question Key
In my last column I gave everyone a chance to chime in on a Jeopardy-style matching game, with the promise that the correct responses would be posted this week. Below are the matching questions to the answers posted last week, which are, of course, in CAPS. Enjoy!