Welcome back to The Bootleg. Unlike Kobe Bryant, I don’t have to travel 1,000 miles from home to get charged with sexual assault. I’m gonna assume y’all had an ass-kickingly good Fourth. If you were too busy to show love to the Bootleg last week…you’ve got some nerve showin’ your face here now, mister. How was my holiday weekend? I’m glad you asked.
Highlight: Scarfin’ down a couple of the wife’s phat-ass burgers with a bottle or two of Karl Strauss Beer, while watchin’ VH1’s I Love The ’80s series just before we walked over to the park to see the fireworks. From Rubik’s Cube to Footloose to Where’s The Beef…I scored a ton of new obscure references for future columns.
Lowlight: Sittin’ through the one hour, forty-nine minutes of unmitigated fecal celluloid called Terminator 3: Rise of the Machines. It’s about 70 minutes of car chases and stuff blowin’ up, with three five-minute breaks for the characters to yak. I have three spoiler-free questions for those of you who sat through this torture.
1.) Evil female Terminator has a frickin’ bazooka for a hand, so why does she jump on the hearse filled with our heroes and try to saw it open?
2.) Did the movie establish that the female hero (Claire Danes) could fly an airplane before she announces, with about five minutes left in the flick, “This is the plane I trained on!” Must’ve been during the aeronautics portion of veterinarian school. If so…cool, my bad. If not…that’s weak.
3.) Evil female Terminator discovers that John Connor is somewhere in the vet’s office. So she asks the bitch she was sent to kill, “Where’s John Connor?” Huh? Why not just kill her and then go huntin’ for Connor? She’s a freakin’ Terminator, for cryin’ out loud.
Please, non-obsessed fanboy responses, only. Now, eat your Goodness before it gets cold.
Is Ulysses Down Wit’ OPP?
M’girl Beyoncé is in a little bit of hot water. Let’s pause for a moment so that intoxicating visual can linger in our minds for a moment. Now, let’s make it cold water and see what happens. Anyways, the barely dressed diva performed at Grant’s Tomb in Manhattan and the head of the Grant Memorial Association denounced the show as “inappropriate”. The NY Daily News spoke with Ulysses S. Grant’s great-grandson who said, ” It’s kind of nice that he gets even a little exposure. Who knows? If the old guy was alive, he might have enjoyed it”. Let’s see, a white Civil War era general and a nearly nekkid sista. Oh yeah, Ulysses woulda been down with the swirl.
You’d Think Someone Stole His Lucky Charms
Here’s something new: an Irishman promising civil disobedience. U2’s very own Bono is demanding that something be done to deal with world poverty. In fact, he’s promising that things will get “very noisy” if the “wealthier” countries don’t step up and start kickin’ down funds to the “poorer” countries. Where the hell was Bono when I was a college student stealing stale waffle cones and dessert toppings for my dinner? Don’t get me wrong, managing a frozen yogurt shop had its benefits, but washing down a (paper) plate of eight-month-old crushed Butterfinger with a cup of lowfat chocolate sauce couldn’t have been good for my innards.
Killin’ Me Loudly
Remember when Deion Sanders lashed out at both Spike Lee and Tim McCarver on wax? Well, this feud could be just as hot! Former Fugees members Wyclef Jean and Pras Michel (otherwise known as the new millennium Pips) are beefin, with Clef droppin’ the diss track, Fake Ass Pras. In it, Clef claims that he’s gonna drop Pras harder than Sony did. Zing! With all the tired samples, the ghost-writing and the remakes of established classics both of these clowns (and you too, Lauryn) should take their unoriginal asses to group therapy and leave the hip hop wars to Tim Dog and Dr. Dre.
Total Film Budget: $19.99
So you say you can’t get enough of those low-budget direct-to-video hip hop documentaries? Well, you’re in luck! The latest rap life story on DVD drops July 29 and it doesn’t involve Tupac! No, seriously. This time it’s Oakland pimp Too $hort who gets his tale told. This one’s guaranteed to be good, cuz it snagged an award at the San Francisco Black Film Festival and is executive produced by a former member of hip hop pop group Tony! Toni! Tone! No, seriously. I wouldn’t put too much stock in that award, though. I hear it was just a red ribbon that said “participant” stenciled in gold.
He’s The Guy That’s Pokin’ Mrs. Brady
Ozzy Osbourne, who these days sounds like a drunk, British Riddick Bowe, is tag teamin’ with his fat ugly daughter Kelly. The two will cover the Black Sabbath cut, Changes on Ozzy’s next album. I guess it’s a classic song or somethin’. But, if you’re talkin’ scary tag teams and Black Sabbath, it begins and ends with the Road Warriors and Ironman. Man, when you heard that you just knew that Randy Mulkey, The Italian Stallion or Pistol Pez Whatley were gonna get killed. By the thai, how did we go from 1988 Legion of Doom to 2003 La Resistancé in just 15 years? Y’know what my dream tag team woulda been? King Slender and Starman.
This Is Worse Than Apartheid
A South African DJ (which sounds only slightly more odd than “a white rapper” or “a black golfer”) is lookin’ for a public apology from that rappin’ cookie monster, Ja Rule. Some members of Ja’s requisite “posse” allegedly threatened (sigh) DJ Staxx after a concert in Kingsmead, South Africa last weekend. All because Mr. Staxx played the 50 Cent hit 21 Questions during the performance. Staxx was reportedly given two choices: Hand over the record or have his neck broken after the show. Staxx went with choice #1, but I personally woulda like to have seen him go with choice #2, then see if his dumb ass actually sticks around till the end of the concert for his pre-scheduled beatdown.
Those Wacky Maple Leafs
Who’s the sexiest female in Canada? Nope, it’s not Diana Hart. A poll of 500 Canadian beer drinkers voted Shania Twain as the sexiest in Saskatoon, with Pamela Anderson a close second. Are you tellin’ me that throughout all of America, Jr., they could only find 500 beer drinkers? Our beer might be weaker, but I guarantee we could find twice that many booze hounds in the lecture hall or frat house of any state run college, much less an entire country. And to think that Strange Brew has been lyin’ to me after all these years. Next, you’ll tell me that y’all Canadian men think that wine coolers and Smirnoff Ice is considered “good drinkin”.
The Prescription Is Hypocrisy
Y’all might have heard that Dr. Dre is the newest entry in the Ja Rule/50 Cent feud that won’t die. What makes this just a little unusual is in the latest Aftermath/Shady Records grenade, Dre references Tupac and basically says that Ja Rule ain’t no Tupac, cuz Dre worked with Pac and knew him well. Uh, not really. Dr. Dre received production credit for just a couple of Tupac songs. On California Love, Dre supposedly made that beat for his defunct Chronic II album. Can’t C Me, which also appeared on Pac’s first Death Row joint was leftover from Dre’s failed Helter Skelter project with Ice Cube. These beats were basically “given” to Pac during Dre’s slow separation from the label.
It’s The Purest Love of All
When it comes to stories of naked female rappers, I got it on lock. (Suburban Translation: I’m Your Huckleberry). We’ve already reported on Trina’s porno appearance and Lil’ Kim’s topless goodness. Now, pics of Philly’s own Eve have hit the net. These are older shots from Eve’s stripper days and they feature her with another woman…both as nekkid as jaybirds. Reportedly, the pics are courtesy of an extortionist who’s been tryin’ to get Eve to pay him for the suppression of the photos. Please keep in mind, that these shots were taken before Eve started takin’ Human Growth Hormone (HGH) and her forehead took on the slope and width of the common dolphin.
Sometimes The News Just Writes Itself
The last time I mentioned Elvis Presley in my column, his cult flamed me pretty good. But, even the most die hard fat-man worshippin’, velvet painting ownin’, Graceland is actually a cool place believin’ Elvis fanatic has to know that the current eBay auction for a lock of his greasy hair and one of his yellow teeth is a little absurd. I would never wish death upon another man, but when the very last baby boomer has moved onto a better place and stopped suckling from the teet of my Social Security, we’ll know that the balance of Elvis’ fanbase can hang out with him at that great Hardee’s in the sky. Ooh, I hope they have those famous biscuits up there.
General Haberdashery
Mathan speaks on 50’s fame and the internet racial game. Great column, kids.
E Smeezy and the Sunday Paper won’t get ink on your fingers and the crossword is easier.
Mike Blast reviews the debut of that Singin’ Texas Eggplant.
Junk Mail
Last weekend, my oft-promised “First Listen” of West Coast rapper Crooked I was posted. I scored some positive feedback from that column, so if you missed it, you can cheque it out c’here.
First up is m’man, Mike the Shark:
Ay yo Aaron, props on the Crooked I column. Anyways, I heard a rumor from somewhere that Suge is hesitant to release Crooked I’s album, since he apparently doesn’t fit Tha Row’s blueprint for a rapper, nor does Suge think that the mainstream public wants to hear such a complicating MC. Instead, it seems Suge might be banking his money as well on Kurupt’s upcoming album. Oh well, at least I have his Wake Up Show freestyles to keep me busy until perhaps, Say Hi to The Bad Guy comes out in the fall. Finally, it’s stupid that BET and MTV won’t play “Still Tha Row” in the daytime, since a lot of those gangsta rap videos did the same thing, but they were shown ad nauseum.
Batting second is, Q-Storm:
WOW! You couldn’t have explained the reign of West Coast rap any better. NOTHING connected to Suge Knight will prosper because it’s obvious he STOLE the spotlight his first time out. What happened to Cali dominance is simple… The whole gimmick of gangbanging, etc., ran it’s course. I can’t blame it on NWA because rap was heading in that direction regardless, but it’s been one tired gimmick after another beginning with them. The moment lyrical skill and tight music stopped being enough to sell a record, the genre’s demise was inevitable. Common Sense’s song, “I Used To Know Her” said it best way back then.
It wouldn’t surprise me at all to see Kurupt’s album drop first. As far as I know, he’s still on the Artemis label imprint and they still control his next album. Look for the Death Row logo to appear as well, along with their stable of (cough) talent. The whole video controversy is their own damn fault and is pretty much a microcosm of the label’s problems these days. Suge is like those storied Japanese soldiers stationed in faraway posts who had no idea that World War II had ended. His whole game is played out like a Nantucket Battle Rap.
Last week’s Bootleg made me a few more enemies with the Courtney Love fan club. I didn’t know so many flannel wearing, granola munchers knew how to type. Well, I’ll pimp your purveyor of Murphy Monday’s here, since I can give his column a plug. Plus, his comments were the first and most intelligible.
Ok I haven’t been a Nirvana fan since I was 14 but I gotta spread the word about Courtney for a minute. She’s not exactly the person I want to defend but I gotta say that we would and did know who she was before she was on the Kurt cock. She was one of the members of Babes in Toyland, one of the earliest and most famous bands on the riot-grrrl scene. She also had a supporting role in cult classic film “Sid & Nancy”, about the Sex Pistols guitarist and his famous destructive girlfriend. (Courtney played Nancy’s friend). Hole had already had one album out that had gotten some decent critical approval by the time Courtney & Kurt got together. Just letting you know the skinny. Your friendly 411 white trash punk guru—–Ryan T. Murphy
Coming Soon
The Joe Budden review should be up as you read this. Give it a look as it scored my highest rating for any new album this year. Come back on Monday as I hand out an even higher score for the review of…nah, you gots to come back after the weekend to find out. Be on the lookout for reviews of the new ones from Gangstarr and Freeway by the end of the month.
And to all y’all askin’…yes, the Remix column I promised a few weeks ago is still in the works. It’s actually gotten a little bigger in scope that I had originally planned, so it might not be up for a few more weeks. But, if you like the Friday Bootleg…you are such a loser.
Oakland A’s Update: Zito gives up 15 hits to Tampa Bay? Tejada continues to scuffle? Foulke blows another Hudson win? Dye separates his shoulder? Cherry bombs? Arrgh.
I need on-line friends who aren’t 12-year-old girls. Get at me on AOL or Yahoo IM: ajcameron13
