Hello faithful readers. Before we begin, I’d like to thank Flea and Hyatte for filling in for me last week. When the chips are down, you can always count on your friends to make fun of you and paste together a best of column. You guys are the greatest!
However, Hyatte printed a letter I sent him which was private. In response, I’m going to hit Hyatte back! It’s not a feud, so don’t get your hopes up. He takes a swing at me, I think I’m allowed to swing back. Aren’t I? I’ve studied all of his web feuds, I’ve seen what others have said about him (in a losing effort), and I think I’ve finally perfected the anti-Hyatte response! Here it is!
God, Hyatte is so immature. Taking shots at another writer is so big of you. I just want to let all of my fans know that I will not be dignifying anything Hyatte says about me in my column. This is the extent of it.
Did you see that? Did you notice how I mentioned Hyatte wrote something about me? See, I’m not stupid or ignorant. I know Hyatte exists and bashed me. Did you notice how I took some potshots at him with the immature crack? I mean, I’m not a pussy! He says something about me, I’m going to hit him back! Did you see what a big man I was by saying I would be ignoring Hyatte while writing about Hyatte in my column? This will hopefully send Hyatte the message that I don’t care about him at all, so he should pick another target. Still, I did mention him, so maybe that wasn’t the best plan. Also, did you see how I put the name Hyatte in italics? It makes his name seem like a dirty word! How can anyone respond to that retort? I win! I WIN! I WIN!
That was dedicated to Sean, Dusty, Rick, and Scott. Although Scott has handled it better than any of the other 3.
Onto more important stuff (SEE! DID YOU SEE HOW I SAID HYATTE’S NOT IMPORTANT! I RULE!)
My show went up last week, and I got a chance to meet a couple of fans. The Biscuiti clan was represented by Matthew Biscuiti. The awesome Jacob York showed up with a tape of one my plays, Coming Out Party, from a performance in Kentucky at the Sock & Buskin Studio Festival, bringing along his cool friend Sharon. Dave Katz and Vic Shey showed up, and both were very complimentary and nice people to meet.
All 4 nights were sold out. Save for one or two nights, every show got laughs, starting small with Stop the Wedding and building to a crescendo with Coming Out Party. My career has gotten started, my dream has begun to come true. I owe it all to you guys who contributed. I could possibly have a DVD on sale soon if there is interest for it, so if you’d be willing to pay 20 bucks to see three hilarious plays and the NYC debut of Joshua Grutman, let me know. Before I start making copies, I’d like to know if there is a market for it.
Junk News! Huzzah!
Edge released a new column, and to my shock and dismay I can make no pornographic jokes about it. Hey, if you can, send em to me! Remember, you have to take actual quotes that Edge used and make a porn story out of them. Good luck. I didn’t have any.
Booker T will make an appearance at RVD’s comic book store. Booker plans to sign autographs, maybe do a spinaroonie and yell the word SUCKAAAAA! Booker then plans to rob the Wendy’s next door.
Bret Hart may have almost made a deal with Vince McMahon to appear at Wrestlemania XX, but the deal may be off after what happened on the Montreal Raw. I completely agree with Bret here. I mean, Rosey over the Hurricane?! What the hell was Vince thinking?
Paul Bearer is now happy with what the WWE is doing with Kane, or at least said so in his commentary. I have it on good authority that Paul typed that as Kane stood over him with a can of gasoline.
On Raw, Kane set JR on fire. Oddly enough, JR no sold the fire, getting up and hitting Kane with an inverted hurracarana.
Stephanie has been taking less of a role in the creative process. When asked what caused this change, my father turned to me with a sad look in his eyes and shook his head with confusion and disappointment. “Fucking wrestling,†my father mumbled with great pain. “You got a 1530 on the SATS and f*cking wrestling is what you’re doing with your life.†Kane, unhappy with my father’s comments, set him on fire.
The Undertaker is reported to not be going to Japan with the Smackdown roster. Undertaker is said to be petrified of the tiny, hairy Asian people and their sharp teeth. Man, Taker has seen Critters too many times. Or maybe I have.
Rejoice, Australians, as WWE PPV’s and Smackdown have returned to your country! You want RAW, you f*ckers are going to have to stop STEALING NEMO! HIS FATHER LOVES HIM, DAMNIT!
Terry Taylor has been released for the WWE. Terry, I know you worked with Al for awhile, and I want you to know that there will always be a column spot open for you at 411mania.com. All you have to do is enter RANT WARS! 2 coming soon. I bet you’re cinch to win.
Raw’s rating has plummeted down to a 3.8 from a 4.2. CRUEL FATE! WHY DO YOU MOCK US SO?
WCW’s stunt coordinator was behind setting JR on fire, although Tony Schiavone is rumored to be the mastermind behind it all.
So, let us see what takes place tonight on Smackdown, filmed on Sunday before a live stadium audience.
Vince begins the show, announcing Angle will face The Big Show, Charlie Haas and Shelton Benjamin. Brock comes out to protest with a bunch of hippies and picket signs. It ends in bloodshed when the National Guard kills 5 of the hippies.
Chris Benoit fights Matt Hardy to the death! Wrong, I’m sorry, that’s to the pain. See the difference is never mind. Those who got the joke already got it.
Vince gives Stephanie Midol for PMS. Stephanie thanks him and leaves.
Kurt and Brock talk about a lot of stuff that is too big to spoil! All I know is that by the end of the conversation, the world’s view on Harry Potter will never be the same.
The Knoble Knight fights the Ultimo Dragon. The ending comes when Knoble slays the Dragon and turns into a marine.
Cena raps in a graveyard about the Undertaker. The ground under Cena’s feet briefly shakes, caused by TuPac’s spinning.
The APA invite a bunch of people to a bar room brawl at the next PPV. Bradshaw says everyone is invited except for his gay haircut.
Kidman and Rey fight two masked men, who I assume are Mr. X and one of the Villano’s. Man, we need Ask 411 back. I need to know how many people played Mr. X. I NEED TO! IT’S NOT A DESIRE! IT’S A NEED!
Vince and John Cena bash The Undertaker and Zach Gowen. The Undertaker comes out to respond on his motorcycle and Zach Gowen comes out on his unicycle.
Rhyno gets his shit pushed in by the APA.
Eddie and Billy get silly with chilly. You know when you’re doing something and you reach the point where you notice you’re getting bored? Just happened.
Kurt fights and beats 3 men, then loses to Sable his heart that is. The two will be married in the NEVER!
Storm “vants to be left alone.â€Â
I haven’t talked about Lance Storm in awhile, and now I have something pretty lengthy to say to/about him, so bear with me as I’m not funny for while (cause I’m always funny, right?).
In his latest commentary, Lance Storm wrote about returning home and complained about the perils of celebrity. If anybody has the right to complain about being a celebrity, it’s a professional wrestler. They don’t make the money that big name celebrities make but they get some of the mostly unwanted attention from fans when the wrestlers go out. Hell, as a wrestling Internet personality, it is hard for me to sign on to AIM without talking to a fan for a good half hour or so about whether or not Kane looks stupid. Due to an appreciation for my small slice of fame and my awesome fan base, I rarely block people, but the truth of the matter is that I can block people. I don’t get stopped on the street and asked for an autograph when I’m late. Just as Lance Storm can only imagine what Will Smith goes through, I can only imagine what Lance Storm goes through. But I have a good imagination.
After a night in a bar signing autographs (including one on a woman’s boob), Lance had this to share with his readers:
“I guess the point of this commentary is that despite trying to keep the career of Lance Storm and the life of Lance Evers separate, it is really a futile effort, people don’t seem to be able accept just Lance Evers anymore. The way I’m viewed, by others, will always be affected by my chosen profession. I guess I will have to remember that it is my CHOSEN profession and learn to live with it. Fortunately by the time my kids are old enough to be effected by this I should be retired and off television. I once thought it would be cool for my kids to have a famous Dad, but I’m realizing it’s probably better if they don’t.â€Â
Lance, sometimes it sucks. But what about the book club you’ve been able to start, the support you’ve been able to give to authors you like. Would you have been able to do that if you were just Lance Evers? Should you die tomorrow, God forbid, people would send your family money. The Lance Storm memorial show would be put on once a year. Your friends and fans would do their darnedest to make sure your kids are taken care of for the rest of their lives. Would that happen if you were just Lance Evers?
Lance, I recently took advantage of my sort of celebrity to fulfill my dream of becoming a writer. I asked my fans to help me put on a play in NYC, and they came through for me big time. I know when you get off work you just want to spend some quiet time with your family, but don’t you have dreams outside of wrestling? Don’t you have people you love who have dreams? Isn’t there a cause you care strongly about? You can use the fact that millions of people know and respect you to achieve these dreams, to help your cause. When you go outside and someone screams, “HEY! IT’S LANCE STORM,†I can understand how that can be annoying. But when you gather your fans together, when you ask them for help, they listen. They want to help. It makes you feel good, it makes them feel good, and to them you’re no longer wrestler Lance Storm. You’re Lance Evers, a man who they helped because he entertained them as the wrestler Lance Storm.
Lance, I can’t tell you how to handle celebrity. Some people hide from their fans, some people greet them with open arms. Only when you ask something of the fans do they feel like equals. Only when you give a bit of your real self to them do they know you instead of revering you. Just some friendly advice.
Oddly enough, my advice doesn’t matter anymore because I just got a note telling me that Lance Storm was fired for complaining about his fame. More on this story as it develops.
And that’s pretty much it. Go to www.1ryderfakin.com and see the massive injustice inflicted upon me by Flea, and also read his nice comments about me. I’m off to Washington DC to protest something or the other or see a friend or something. See you soon, DC!
