Wrestling News, Opinions, Etc. 07.22.03

Archive

Ah, it’s Tuesday, and it’s an American and a German fighting over France.  This week, we’re gonna party like it’s 1944.

So let’s get on with it…

GOOD NEWS FOR ONCE

CNN Poll.  We’re getting closer to correcting that heinous error of December 2000.  I’d go with the suggestion of The Only Man More Liberal Than I Am, Zach Singer, and push for disqualification under the 25th Amendment (mentally unfit to hold office), but that’d put Mad Dog in there, and that’d be worse.

THE PIMP SECTION

Fuck Milord.  A bunch of us have been throwing around the Heyman/Bisch team-up idea since moment one of the original Invasion.  Me, for instance.

Memo to Pankonin:  I’m in.

Memo to Fleabag:  See Pankonin above.

Memo to Hyatte:  Actually, I think my best quote about the Bitch of the Baskervilles is this one:  The WWF is a fine-tuned, well-oiled machine, operating in perfect synch for one purpose and one purpose only.  That purpose is to get Stephanie McMahon over.  That quote was from a reflections column I did about Royal Rumble 2001, BTW.  Remember, I’ve been bitching about Steph since Survivor Series 2000, when she first got the goddamn book.

Williams talks about his favorite finishing moves.  And people wonder why the news guys don’t talk about wrestling anymore.  If we did, then the features guys would have nothing to do columns about.  As it is, given the subject matter here, they’re starting to scrape bottom anyway, so the less we talk about wrestling, the more people we keep in a job here.

Poffel likes Lawler more than I do (see next section).

CHALK ANOTHER ONE UP IN THE “SMART DECISION” COLUMN FOR WWE

If you’ve read the news sidebars today, you saw that report from the Torch about Ross selling the burninator angle from last week for a little while longer.  There’s speculation that this is an on-air tryout to see if Coachman can move up to the main event.

What has WWE seen in him that we discerning members of the IWC haven’t?  Opinion is pretty consistent on Coachman.  It ranges from “adequate under certain conditions” to “dear Christ, is he a retard or what?”, with me leaning far more toward the latter.  The guy is a retard; worse, he’s a retard with absolutely no discernable personality.  Personality-wise, he makes Lance Storm look like Shawn Michaels in his prime.  He mixes with Lawler like water and phosphorous.  There’s no chemistry, no communication, no feeling coming from the booth.  I’d start whipping out the Mark Madden comparisons except for the fact that you could tell that the rest of the WCW booth absolutely hated Ol’ Fat Fuck, and it made for some interesting broadcasts.

Why are you even thinking this, Vince?  Yes, Ross deserves to be off television.  Not because he doesn’t “have the looks”, but because he’s gone completely senile.  He can’t call a match anymore.  He should be put out to pasture (and you can put Lawler out to stud while you’re at it).  A new booth is desperately needed on Raw.  However, Jonathan Coachman should not be a part of it unless you’ve got someone in there whose charisma and personality can more than make up for the voids he possesses in both categories.  I don’t think even Jesse Ventura in his prime could have done that, though (I wrote that before reading Poffel’s column; all I can say is that all of the Wrestling Section is hooked into a hive mind, and I’m dominant).

Ditch the idea, have Bischoff pull a power play in the booth, and bring in Schiavone.  Fuck what Kevin Dunn thinks.  It’s long overdue.

MEMO TO GOATSE…UH, GOATBOYESQ:

My ever-vigiliant and obsessively-loyal readers alerted me over a month ago to the fact that Warrior was doing this appearance for the Young Fascists For Christ or whoever they are.  I wasn’t going to give him or their movement any publicity by mentioning this stuff in my column, though.  So I’m not surprised he showed up on C-SPAN.  I am shocked, however, that he actually kept a booking for once.

ZAP ZAP ZAP

Rikishi will be out for a month recovering from laser eye surgery.  To show you what kind of pussy Rikishi is, when I had laser eye surgery last year (and my vision is still spiffy-neato, thanks for asking), I was at work two days later.  In fact, I had it done on Saturday morning and was back to work Monday morning, so I didn’t miss any time at all.  “But, the impact and the physical stress and…”…oh, shut the f*ck up.  I wore eye guards to bed for two weeks after the surgery, and that was it.  So, yeah, I can see cutting down on it for a couple weeks (especially since those bright lights would be really irritating), but this is Rikishi we’re talking about.  How hard is it to book two weeks’ worth of quick jobber squashes, especially with the Bashams on the roster?  All he had to do was tell them.

So I’m on WWE’s side on this one.

BANG YOUR HEAD

From Widro via the Observer:

Chris Nowinski is currently suffering from post-concussion syndrome, a similar ailment to what ended Bret Hart’s career.

This is one of those comparisons that drive me absolutely batshit.  Da Meltz, of course, is implying here that Harvard’s career is in jeopardy.  That, of course, is nonsense.  Yes, post-concussion syndrome is not something to screw around with.  However, it’s a definite fact that younger people can recover faster and more completely, given the proper care, than older people.  Bret was about twenty years older than Harvard when Goldberg mercy-killed his sadly-fading career.  You could make a better case between Harvard and two other people, Steve Young and Troy Aikman, both of whom were forced to retire from football due to post-concussion syndrome (sadly, enough brain tissue was lost for them to be able to easily transition to the booth).  However, both Young and Aikman were about a decade older than Harvard, and both had suffered numerous concussions more serious than Harvard’s.

And, really, isn’t post-concussion syndrome commonly enough known that we don’t need to analogize it?

When all is said and done, everything after the comma could have been eliminated and would have given a clearer, better picture of why Harvard hasn’t been on our screens lately.  Instead, Da Meltz has to ring the alarm bells in order to bring unneeded attention to the situation.

Get better, Chris, and fast.

ISN’T THERE ANYTHING BETTER YOU PEOPLE CAN READ THAN THIS CRAP?

Again, from Widro via the Observer, WWE’s book release schedule for the rest of the year:

August – A financial investing book by Bradshaw

That I can see.  The guy is a near-professional-level investor, and rumor has it that he’s actually made money during the Dubbaya-pression.  Plus, he does great occasional guest shots on CNBC.

September – Lita’s Autobiography

“How To Be A Beard For Fun And Profit”

October – Steve Austin’s Autobiography

I defer comment for the reason that I prefer my fish to be out of a barrel when the trigger’s pulled.

November – A book called “WWE Year Two”

Well, “Batman:  Year Two” sucked too.

December – HHH’s body building book

Insert anabolic joke and/or Bitch of the Baskervilles joke here.

Ah, screw wrestling.  The Open Championship, anyone?

FEAR AND LOATHING IN SANDWICH

What the hell was Ben Curtis feeling, having to wait?  He barely slips in that putt on 18 (barely; I was surprised that thing didn’t hang on the lip).  He’s off the course and in the lead for the first time since he left the Hooters tour.  No Top Ten finishes on the PGA Tour; this was his first major.  Hell, the guy got in the Open Championship because he finished 13th at the Western.  In the meantime, some of the best in the world are still out there.  At that point, Tigger, Veej, and Davis are all one behind him.  And then…you know, there are Golf Gods.  They reward the young who show poise and intelligence in their game (and you need a helluva lot of poise to get through four bogies on the back nine on the final day of a major).  Tigger bogies 15 and 17.  Veej puts it in the bunker at 18 (and almost holes it to get into a playoff, but the Golf Gods prevented that).  Davis misses the same damn putt as everyone else had for par on 17.  And then there’s Thomas Bjorn De Velde committing death by misadventure with his Fun With Bunkers routine at 16 and missing That Same Damn Putt As Everyone Else at 17.  Erase him going head-to-head with Tigger at Dubai a couple years ago and not flinching from the books; those three shots at 16 instantly became What He Is Known For.

Oh, the missed opportunities…what if Tigger had found his ball at the opening hole?  What if Bjorn De Velde hadn’t lost his temper at 17 on Thursday and not taken a two-stroke penalty?  What if Kenny Perry had been Kenny Perry on Sunday?  It just simply comes down to the fact that the Golf Gods were watching over this kid from Ohio who, if he was merely lucky, should have been playing in the BC Open* over the weekend, and they approved of his possession of the world’s most famous claret jug.  On the “upset” scale, this is even beyond John Daly at the 1991 PGA.  This is Joe Sixpack winning the greatest tournament in golf.  I was looking to see if Chevy Chase was giving him advice.

One thing I loved was when the BBC guy was interviewing him at the practice area after Bjorn De Velde missed the chip at 18 that would have put it into a playoff, he was asked whether he’d been able to call his parents back in Columbus.  The answer was no, for one simple reason:  his dad was constantly yapping to Mike Tirico in the ABC booth, so the phone was busy.  Everybody’s a media whore these days.

The saddest part is that he isn’t on the level of a David Toms or even a Rich Beem, a consistently good player who could be the Rival For Tigger.  Maybe after this?  The guy doesn’t have to worry about Q-School for five years now, and he’s going to have a trailer-trash Jennifer Aniston for a wife in a month, so he could develop.  Until further evidence appears, though, he’s not a Rival.  He’s not even a great player.  This was a gift from the Golf Gods, period.

Proof that there are Golf Gods?  Mike Weir was born on May 15th, 1970.  Jim Furyk was born on May 15th, 1970.  Ben Curtis was not.  However, his caddy at the Open is the regular caddy for Andrew Coultard, who was, yes, born on May 15th, 1970.  Paging Mister Ripley.

What does Tigger do in the morning?  Does he wake up and say to himself, “Gee, I think I’ll go out and eagle par fives today?”  That’s the only explanation I can think of for what he did Saturday.  There are three par fives at Royal St. George’s.  He eagled the first two, one of them from out of a bunker.  On the third one, he went three wood-three wood into a howling wind and put it on (that Viagra-like that’s going to be sponsoring NFL games has the wrong sport; if there’s any sporting event that can make a man feel erectile dysfunction, it’s Tigger in a major).  His putt then went everywhere near the hole except in (literally; the sucker weaseled about three-quarters around the circumference as slow as a Big Show match).  He just flicks the switch for his AAA game at will (and too bad for him that the switch somehow got flicked off at 15 and 17 on Sunday).  Damn, I wish I could do that.  Not only in golf, either.  I wish I could do that with life.

And win or lose, everyone is Tigger’s bitch.  You want proof?  Furyk couldn’t win a major until he got Fluff on the bag.  Also, look at 17 on Saturday.  Sergio pulled out a miracle sixty-seven-yard chip-in for par (it’s a links course; you can have sixty-seven yard chips).  If you didn’t see it, it was f*cking incredible.  It was one of those shots that make golf viewers stand up and watch and golfers stand up and get a woodrow.  So what does he do as it goes in?  The Tigger Fist Pump.  That’s submission to a higher authority, folks.

(By the way, Sergio’s alleged slump is about as real as Tigger’s is.  He’s had great performances in the majors the last two years, but no one’s seemed to notice.)

Mark Roe came in on Saturday at four under for his round.  At the time, he was one over for the tournament and two behind the leaders (and would have stayed that way).  He got a “terrific round” interview from ABC, was getting his mic off, and then was called to the judges.  Turns out that he and Jesper Parnevik signed the wrong scorecards.  Automatic disqualification for both.  Roe then got interviewed again right after that, and was totally calm about it, even more calm than you’d expect a Brit to be.  All he said was that he f*cked up, nobody caught it, it’s his fault, and he has to do what the rules say (go home and play with his kids, in his words).  That is class.  I’ve said a number of things about golfers and honesty in the past, and this is just another indication of that.  Bad break, but a wonderful demonstration of integrity.

By the way, shortly after this, the same situation almost ended up happening again, this time to Stuart Appleby and Philip Price (and the Welshman was sitting at two over at the time, definitely in contention).  They’d heard about Roe and Parnevik, though, and double-checked.  They did a quick “Oh, shit”, and got the situation corrected.  I could say something about golf scorecards and Florida ballots here, but I’ll refrain.

* – The BC Open made history too.  The Walrus his own self shot a 63 on Sunday to take it one week after winning the Senior Players’ Championship.  Stadler’s the first golfer ever to win a senior event and then a regular event in the same season (Ray Floyd won one on both in the same year, but he was still under the magic Five-Oh when he took the PGA Tour half of his double and hence did not win as a Senior Tour golfer, if you understand my meaning).  Gotta acknowledge that one.

GLEAMING BLADES

Scottie Pippen became a born-again Bull on Sunday.  On Monday morning, the Chicago sports journalists had the knives out, sharpened and honed to a razor’s edge.  The lot of them, especially the eternally-unctuous Jay Mariotti, were quick to remind everyone about all of Pippen’s past transgressions toward Chicago and its fans.  The statements he made after he left, the 1.9, everything, all laid out in black and white to put the news that Pip wanted to return home to finish his career into a different perspective.

I was never as proud of Chicago sports journalists as I was this morning reading this stuff.  A key component of six titles (and what should have been two others if not for him getting FUCKED BY HUE HOLLINS, YOU NOO YAWK FAGGOTS WHO KEEP COMPLAINING WHEN I MENTION IT), yes.  The man at the right hand of the man at the right hand of God, yes.  But, a slimeball, yes.  A lazy bastard who took a powder during a critical playoff game, yes.  A bad-mouther and egotist, yes.  It was important to remind Chicagoans, so starved for good news regarding the Bulls, being devoid of said since, well, Pippen was signed-and-traded, that the man in question is, to put it lightly, a shithead.  They didn’t do it for the sake of being provocative.  They did it for the sake of being informative.

Remember that the next time I talk about Austin.

And that’s going to be the very next section…

THE SHORT FORM

Match Results:

Victoria and Molly Holly over Trish Stratus and Gail Kim, Tag Match Sponsored By hollywoodhookers.com (Pinfall, Holly pins Kim, Stratustupidity):  Well, that almost got a “You Fucked Up” chant started courtesy of Your Women’s Champion.  Good covers by everyone all around, including Lawler, for Kim’s mistakes.  So what’s this going to lead to?  Nothing in the long or short run except a face/face match between Stratus and Kim for the title, probably next week.  No turns due to the fact that they’re short of women faces.  Blah match, with too little Molly offense and too little Victoria in general.

Randy Orton over Val Venis (Pinfall, RKO):  Oh, lovely, yet another match that was an excuse for bookended promos.  Maybe I should have just put down “Randy Orton over Irrelevant”.

Chris Jericho over Shawn Michaels (Submission, Walls of Jericho):  Okay, ignore the INCREDIBLY stupid decision to go to commercial when Jericho had Michaels in the Walls…however, that is hard to ignore.  Talk about deprecating someone’s finisher.  Jericho had to win this with the Walls in order to restore its legitimacy.  Okay, ignoring all that…wow.  A twenty-five minute one-on-one match on free TV, with minimal and non-decisive interference (no, Randy, the RKO on the chair didn’t turn the match one way or another).  When was the last time we got this long of a singles match on free TV?  The Owen Tribute Match?  God bless them for doing this.  And the match was pretty damn good too.  Now, let’s see this on a regular basis, okay?

Booker T over Chris…sorry, habit, Test, Intercontinental Title Match (Pinfall, uranage):  Since this was a match involving Test, I took the opportunity to hit the can.  From the audio, it sounds like nothing I hadn’t seen before.  Frankly, it was a better, and almost certainly more satisfying, use of my time.

Kane versus Rob Van Dam (ND, schmozz):  Oh, God, this means we’re going to see Vince next week since he’ll have cleared up his issue with the crip by then.  My stomach…

Angle Developments:

Another Blown Opportunity:  Does Linda realize how over she could have become if she’d even attempted to slam the beer down instead of taking a ladylike sip?  Screw how much the outfit cost; you’re in LA, so just take Vince’s CCs and head over to any one of the eight billion boutiques that cater to women in their fifties that want to embarass themselves in public.  Jesus, you want a surefire way to get over?  WWE audiences really didn’t accept Goldberg until he did it.  That pseudo-Giorgio Moroder entrance music isn’t going to do it.  Just slam the goddamn beer and change clothes afterward, Linda.

Just as a demo of what you’re fighting against, Linda, let me quote the Ravin’ Cajun:

Was I the only other person who wanted Austin to give Linda McMahon the Stunner after the little beer toast? After all, she HAD touched him a couple of times- couldn’t that count as physical provocation? Who knows- she might have been able to act unconscious. It’s a bit much to ask from her admittedly, but given her wonderful performances every other time she’s on tv I think she could pull it off.

Just one beer, Linda.  That’s all you needed to slam.  Just one.

And taking a tombstone on the entrance ramp doesn’t make up for it, especially given these judgments by my expert panel:

Wow. That tombstone on Linda by Kane was lighter than one of Trips’ Pedigrees on Sean Michaels. – The Ravin’ Cajun

Kane chokeslamming Linda Mac would have come across much better on TV if the camera wasn’t pointed directly at Linda Mac’s back, thus exposing the fact her head was at least 4 inches from the ramp when Kane’s knee landed. – Derrek Croney

Linda’s head was a foot and a half off the ground. – Slick Rick

At least slamming a beer wouldn’t have exposed the business like you and Jacobs did, Linda.

Revisionist History:  No, Mister Williams, you’re wrong again.  Bischoff did revive WCW by convincing Turner to open the checkbook.  He made some dubious decisions by cutting “deadwood” from the previous regime (you know, Steve, guys like Mick, Trip, and you) in favor of Hogan and Pals, but it paid off big.  And Bisch wasn’t around at the end.  Remember, his attempt to buy WCW was nixed by Time-Warner management in favor of Vince’s bid.  But I’ll give you half-credit on that one.  It was a buyout and a closure, since Jamie Kellner had already cancelled all WCW programming.  I still think that Bisch should have fought back a little and mentioned 1994 and Austin’s firing by WCW…okay, I’m in favor of anything that takes Austin down a peg or two, but it at least would have shown that there’s some real history behind the animosity.  It isn’t just civilized Gold Club member against redneck, you know.

Just A Mild Suggestion:  The production team’s timing needs to be a little bit better.  That was way too long of a gap in between Trip’s defiant statement and Goldie’s entrance.  Also, Trip, we know that you love to no-sell in matches.  However, no-selling in a promo?  My God, show just a tad bit of fear in your eyes when Goldie tells you “You’re Next”.  Cockiness and defiance works for the Trip character; however, in order to sell this match for SummerSlam, there’s got to be a little bit of uncertainty involved.  Put some effort behind it, okay?  Unless you know you’re already going to job and have decided to half-ass it.

Again, you have an image problem, and I turn to Slick Rick to explain it to you in plain language:

What do you get when you put the two biggest heat sinks in wrestling in one ring together? It’s like putting two vacuum cleaners nozzle to nozzle and letting them fight it out. I’m hoping a quantum fissure opens up and swallows Goldturd and Captain “Trip” Beefheart whole.

I’ll accept any Star Trek stellar phenomenon at this point.  And, Rick, do something about the Storm-alike hairdo, PDQ.

And I’ll do something with this column, namely close up shop for the day.  I’ll be back tomorrow with f*ck knows what.