Welcome back to The Bootleg. I’m the only person in America who hasn’t been able to find a picture of Kobe Bryant’s hotel ho-cake online. And, wasn’t that a four-star performance by Mr. Bryant at his “mistake of adultery” press conference last week? It’s hard to single-out my favorite moments, but I’ll try.
1.) Kobe’s “angry face” – Remember when Crash Holly used to stomp to the ring with his mock determination? Same thing. Kobe was workin’ the tightly pursed lips and furrowed brow so well, I thought I saw a Toledo â„¢ scale at the podium.
2.) Kobe’s “Keith Sweat” lyrics – “You are my heart…you are my breath.” Believe me, y’all, I speak from experience…there ain’t nuthin’ sadder than a brutha who gots to beg.
3.) Kobe’s wife – From her lawyer-prepared “statement” to her deer-in-the-headlights expression to those insincere strokes of her husband’s hand, this marriage is a bigger sham than Suge Knight, Legitimate Businessman.
I know my least favorite moments were listening to all the Lakers fans out here who were interviewed on the streets of LA throughout the day. Aside from their rampant unemployment and affinity for bus stops, it’s safe to say that they’re not the most objective group of boys and girls. Enough adultery…it’s time for the mistake of goodness…
The Difference Between Nicole Kidman and Nicole Bass
Country music kitten Faith Hill is doin’ her best Linda Hamilton impression. Remember how Linda got all buffed out for Terminator 2? For Faith’s role in the remake of The Stepford Wives, she doin’ the same thang. Her workout regimen includes running, rowing and weightlifting. We all remember how hot those crew chicks were in college…with their rolled up sleeves and 20-inch calves. Speakin’ of chicks in sports, I regret that I missed this year’s ESPY broadcast. The sight of those racehorses from the WNBA, the LPGA and women’s soccer walkin’ in high heels and ill-fitting evening gowns is the purest form of comedy.
The Gangsta Boo Concert Was Already Sold Out…
Admittedly, I don’t know a whole helluva lot about Monroe, Louisiana. I imagine it’s a lot like a Master P video (Hooty Hoo, perhaps) with bigger mosquitoes and a Popeye’s Chicken on every corner. Oh, and rap concerts where fans can get lap dances and hand jobs. Stripper-turned-rapper Trina has pissed off the City Council for straddling a fan and unzipping his jeans at a show at the Monroe Civic Center on July 12. Personally, I think The Council needs to get its priorities in order. Instead of cryin’ about morals and obscenities, they need to be makin’ sure that the penicillin supplies are adequate. Need proof?
It’s 1984 All Over Again
It might be time to up his medication. Jermaine Jackson recently disclosed that a new Jackson Five album and reunion tour is in the works. Never mind that he couldn’t confirm any cities for the Tour or a release date for the album. Jermaine did credit the group with serving as the foundation for Michael’s “beautiful” career. Please. That’s like sayin’ You Can’t Do That on Television was the foundation for Alanis Morrissette’s career. Still, a Jackson Five reunion would mean an upswing in the activator market, so maybe it’s not such a bad thang.
From The Dept. of Light-Skinned Point Guards and Washed-Up Actors
Luther Vandross’ latest joint is about to go platinum and for the next video, many of his friends have cameos. The video for Dance With My Father will feature such musical heavyweights as Beyoncé, Stevie Wonder, Patti LaBelle, Jason Kidd and The Wayans Brothers. Jason Kidd and The Wayans Brothers? Now, I really wish I had saved that Dan Akroyd/We Are The World joke from a few months ago. Personally, I woulda thought that J-Kidd might be too busy beating his wife or finding a way to shrink his kid’s 44 inch head. As for The Wayans…well, it’s not like they’re working or anything.
Three Hours of Wrestling and Soft-Core Porn
Since he can’t be bothered to make good music these days, it’s nice to see Busta Rhymes is keepin’ busy. He’s got a one-shot show on Spike TV called Party With Spike. Curiously, that’s the line my boy Vig uses to lure the ladies in the sack. Well, that and “I have the new Barbie!” The TV show was shot from the Playboy Mansion and features Carmen Electra, Pamela Anderson and Kelsey Grammer. Dr. Frasier Crane and Barb Wire on the same show? Set your VCRs! Look for it after RAW on August 11. Or don’t.
Uh, What’s The ‘M’ Stand For Again?
The end of summer has always meant three things. Chicago Cub fans can start planning for next spring. An increase in the sales of Trapper Keepers. And the Video Music Awards. The nominees are out and Missy Elliott leads the way with eight nods, including video of the year. As a rule, awards shows always suck and this will surely be no exception. MTV’s slow and steady loss of all relevance began around the time The Real World debuted. It continued through the creation of Jenny McCarthy and was long since dead by the time that Soroity show came on the air.
Obligatory Beatles Reference
Finally, an Englishman we can actually tolerate! M’man Ringo Starr took a proverbial sh!t on the Royal Family in a London tabloid. He called them “irrelevant”. He said, “No one cares about them.” Dammit, he said, “It should all end with this Queen.” Preach on, Brother Ringo. Of course, he’s right. I had no problem with the figurehead rulers until their poisonous tentacles reached across the Atlantic and infected America. Well, I, for one, will never eat steak n’ kidney pie. The Big Book of British Smiles is one of the funniest Simpsons gags ever. And Earl Robert Eaton will always be Beautiful Bobby.
If It Means Less Studio Time, Then I’m All For It…
Let me get this straight: Young white girl meets big scary athletes. Has the Kobe trial started already? Nah, it’s jus’ Britney Spears hangin’ out with the New York Jets. Now, we all know that if Britney had no musical talent and dressed like a slut, she’d be called a “groupie”. Heh. Well, somehow, this is different. This is all part of the NFL’s “Kickoff Weekend” promotional campaign. Since when did pro football need the rub from a bubblegum pop star? Is that coveted 12 year old pre-teen demographic really that important? “Oh…my…god, Becky, look at the center’s butt it’s so big…and fat and so…black and so out there!”
Sometimes The News Just Writes Itself
Who says rap stars are delusional? Former Kris Kross and A.B.C. member (Lil) Bow Wow had this to say about chasing his dream:
” I definitely want to pursue my goals and go to the NBA. So if I want to go to the NBA, I know I have to go to college.”
I know that Bow Weezy is a regular reader, so let me drop some science on ya, son. Like Mike was a f*ckin’ movie. You’re 5’8″, weigh 140 lbs and you’re already 16! Hell, there are bitches in the WNBA who are thicker than you. Want some free career advice? Keep makin’ garbage albums that Kendra and her crew eat up like Now n’ Laters. Keep doin’ those obnoxious videos that the kids vote #1 everyday on 106 & Park. And shoot for a nice six-year bid at a community college (a/k/a high school with ashtrays, quoth Adam Corrolla).
General Haberdashery
Mathan comes thru with his best column to date. I don’t know if I agree with everything in it, but do yourself a favor and judge for your damn self.
E Smeezy is kinda like all the 1992 Mets rolled into one (even Anthony Young).
Fern Dogg goes to strip clubs for the music.
Junk Mail
One thing I’ve noticed is that there’s nothing that opens up the feedback floodgates like an error or two on my part. It seems I was wrong regarding last week’s mention of Eminem and The Source. M’man, Mo Sway, Jr. was the first of many who corrected me:
Yes, The Source does suck. But Em did make the list. He’s right there on page 149 between Pastor Troy and Da Brat. Now The Beatnuts and Del didn’t make the list and that is tragic.
Thanks, dawg, I love your work. There wasn’t a whole lotta love from y’all for my reviews of either the soundtrack to Bad Boys II or Freeway’s solo debut. My favorite line from the flaming inbox of bile came from AOL user “therealjigga69”.
“Does your wife know she married a bitch?”
You know you’ve hit rock bottom when someone with a rapper’s nickname and the always original sex position in his user name is dissin’ you. A slightly more mature response came from this guy.
“I had my doubts before, and every review of yours that I read gave me more reason to be suspicious but now after reading your review on Freeway’s album, it is as plain as day to see that you are the most biased reviewer on this entire website bar none. If you honestly believe deep down in your heart that Freeway deserves a 4.0 after all the craftsmanship put into the beats and rhymes then I honestly feel sorry for you. I would have expected this from a white guy (In fact, that would be the standard fare) but I hear that you’re a brother and I now have to question that. I know your from the West coast and the type of music you guys listen to is completely different but that is still not an excuse.
That’s only about ¼ of the diatribe, but I think y’all get the idea. Yeesh, where to begin? I’m the most biased reviewer on the website? Biased towards what…the east coast? Jay-Z protégés? Cats named after a muthaphukkin’ highway? By the way, Black Panther, real original use of the race angle.
I’ll never understand why so many people get worked up over an album review. I mean, this guy was so offended by my comment on Nate Dogg’s appearance on the album that he let me know I deserve a beat down from the Crips in Long Beach and a drive-by on my home.
This clown also made a point to tell me that he was 26 and worked at a prestigious New York law firm. Anytime someone gives you their unsolicited résumé, you know they’re lyin’. Jackson, the closest you’ve gotten to a lawyer is “Will the defendant please rise” and public defenders don’t count.
However, in the interest of equal time, I’d like to turn the virtual mic over to the King of the Eastern Seaboard, Nick Salemi. Jus’ for law boy in New York, here’s a full review of the new Keith Murray album done entirely with an unbiased East Coast perspective. Enjoy.
Keith Murray-He’s Keith Murray
Y’all didn’t forget about Keith Murray did ya? Aight he’s back son. 5 years away, mad drama, locked in the bing (in good ol’ Connecticut!), a label change from Jive to Def Jam release date delays-does he have anything left in the tank?
The tracks;
2.The Carnage
Perfect way to start off the album, damn yo, he’s back. Definitely a different vibe for Murray compared to his other CDs. The hook done by Joe Hooker actually works well.
3.Oh My Goodness
My favorite track. Keith’s flow goes perfectly with the beat. I believe he drops the lines “out for Chips like Estrada” and “Hop out the cab like Seinfeld”. Straight ridiculous. (or beautifulestness as it were) This is how you do a braggadocio track, man.
4.Yeah Yeah U know it
Def Squad collabo with Sermon and Redman produced by Just Blaze. I like to call it “React 2” as its’ middle-eastern sound is a lot like Sermon and Redman’s React from last year. Redman absolutely destroys this track.
6.Candi Bar
This is currently burning up the airwaves. Well done ode to the ladies and nice to hear a song about the topic that doesn’t involve b*llsh*t “thug love” clichéd theatrics like “be there for me while I rob this bank, etc”. Just awful. By the end of this (4 songs in) I’m already sold on Murray’s triumphant return.
7.Christina
Usually I roll my eyes at the “Somebody I know died/Times Is Hard” track, but he even does this well. Hey it’s about the drama he’s gone through including losing his 15 year old sister. I think his pointing out specific events that you can relate to separates it from standard fare. He makes you feel it.
9.Sucka Free
Ok it had to end sometime, this beat goes nowhere and he’s all over the place on this one.
10.Say Whaat
An oddball beat by Jazze Pha, doesn’t quite mesh with Murray’s flow. However Redman’s double-time hook does fit the beat a little better and makes it worth listening to. That’s probably my Redman bias comin’ through though, but check it out, you’ll know what I mean.
11.Da Ba Dunk Song
Aight you knew it was comin. Dude dropped ANOTHER new word into the hip-hop lexicon on his verse from “Fatty Girl” from a while back. Others rappers are using the word in their songs-you can’t blame him for naming a song after it. Although it sounds like the typical hip-hop song about the honeys with required Spanish guitar, (Please see RKelly’s Fiesta remix, the Lox’s Ryde or Die B*tch, etc.) It’s done pretty well-I can see this bumpin in the clubs soon.
13.Swagger Back
He kinda does a call and response rap with himself which is OK but the beat is a little obnoxious, sounding like a cross between an old NES game and played out down south stuff. This one needs to be re-mixed.
14.On Smash
Collabo with Busta Rhymes Kel Vicious. They all rip the mic over the thumping beat pretty well. The hook is throw away. I’m really nitpicking here though.
16.Say Goodnite
Pete Rock laces this track, with the hook coming from one of Keith’s early songs. Murray’s lyrics are on point on this one.
17.Child of the Streets
Similar to “Christina”, which is not necessarily a bad thing. Murray recalls his family struggles, once again referring to specific events rather than generic references to “hustlin and ballin back in the day”. He avoids the “I went from the crack game to the rap game” rhetoric by saying he was “a nickel and dime hustler”. His cadence is somewhat like NAs’ from One Mic, starting off quietly and gets louder which each line.
Overall, I gotta say this is a quality album, which is definitely rare for almost ANY hip-hop artist’s fourth work. I think his trials and tribulation make him sound hungry and like he actually ENJOYS making music. I’m not sure he’ll ever reach platinum status but I could care less as long as he puts out good hip-hop these days. His delivery is crisp and clear on every track-you understand everything he’s saying-also a rarity. Although the skits are generally useless(aren’t they all?) they neither add nor subtract from the effort. Murray comes correct with a lean and mean offering of 12 tracks which clocks in under an hour, and less is more here because he doesn’t get bogged down with throw away songs save one or two.
While I have been a fan of him since his first album, heads that never heard him or weren’t feelin him are definitely gonna have to admit he’s back for real.
Final Review; 8.0
Coming Soon
My real job has been suckin’ away the hours I usually devote to beer, baseball, porn and this site. So, once again, I’m forced to promise a review of Gangstarr’s new one, a “First Listen” column for P.I.C. and the first installment of Bootleg: The Remix.
Have y’all noticed that Wherehouse Music locations across the country are closing? Well, the one down the street from me is shuttin’ their doors and the bad news for those little bastards behind the counter is good news for you…little bastards. I picked up a bunch of crap (Freeway, Bad Azz) for pocket change and I’ve got more discounted reviews on the way. Be lookin’ for Mobb Deep and Chingy in the not too distant foochure.
Oakland A’s Update: This is getting ridiculous. The A’s are overly aggressive at the plate and way too passive on the mound. Good teams like the Mariners and Angels will exploit those weaknesses all day. Rich Harden joined the “Big Three” this week and watchin’ his starts might be all we have to look forward to for the rest of the year. I’m in Anaheim today and tomorrow, so pray for us.
When I’m online with you guys, that’s less time I hafta spend with the wife. Get at me on AOL or Yahoo IM: ajcameron13
