The Weekend Hotline 7.26.03


Since it’s already 2 am and all I could give you is a preview for a crappy PPV, instead, I present you with an aborted Grut vs Daniels with special guest, Tuesday and Wednesday News Reporter Eric S. The part of Daniels this week will be played by LumberyardWBF, Eric S is ejsthespie, and Grutman is still VPJG. Sorry about the copout, but I think you will find this more entertaining than a done to death PPV Preview. If you are still looking for one, wait for the 411 Wrasslin Roundtable, to go up tomorrow.

You Know The Drill

VPJG: Okay! Welcome back to Grut vs. Daniels…. vs. ERIC S! (If Daniels were gone, G vs. E, it would be perfect. I probably shouldn’t be typing this. I can always press delete.)
VPJG: Whoops.
VPJG: How you doing Daniels?

LumberyardWBF: You can’t get rid of me, I’m the rock to your roll sweet cheeks

VPJG: Great! And you Eric?
VPJG: Any Starfleet problems? The Republicans kill Capt. Kirk or something?

ejsthespie: Oh, spiffy-neato. Popped a Klonopin a little while ago, so I should have no problem following your incomprehensible ramblings.

LumberyardWBF: There aren’t enough drugs in the WORLD to make Grutman make sense.

VPJG: There are so!

ejsthespie: Actually, there are. You just have to know where to look.

LumberyardWBF: Ask the people who came to his play hopped up on ‘Luudes and NyQuil

VPJG: Well, we had a tie this week, so winner continues to pick the topic. This week, we focus on a single wrestler, someone near and dear to the heart of Eric S.

ejsthespie: He distributed them at the door, my guess would be.

VPJG: The Rock. Is he good for wrestling, bad for wrestling, or neither. Eric, you can pick first.

ejsthespie: Oh, goody.

LumberyardWBF: oh dear, we’re gettin him right into this aren’t we

VPJG: Daniels, how much are we going to discuss the Rock anyway?

Kaisen316: Fair enough.

ejsthespie: Watch me get mush-mouthed…bad for WWE, good for wrestling’s PR, horrendous for Hollywood.

ejsthespie: This on the basis that any publicity for wrestling, whether good or bad, is good.

VPJG: Okay. So bad.
VPJG: Daniels?
VPJG: Wait.

LumberyardWBF: No press is bad press, I’ll take neither.

VPJG: So I’m good? Bad? Which one did Eric take?

LumberyardWBF: I think Eric’s got bad.

ejsthespie: I took bad, since obviously you’re going for good and Daniels is going to remain in the Scaia Seat.

LumberyardWBF: My thumb is firmly in the middle
LumberyardWBF: *cue Grut*

VPJG: I don’t stoop low! Eric, you can begin the argument as soon as you’re done marrying your Picard and Chewbacca action figures.

LumberyardWBF: hmm, two trekkies vs Grut.
LumberyardWBF: I like those odds

ejsthespie: Excuse me, I don’t do dolls. I said that in the column last week.

LumberyardWBF: yeah Grut, the readers know that… they actually READ his column

ejsthespie: Well, it helps that I actually WRITE a column.\
ejsthespie: Unlike certain other people…

LumberyardWBF: you know, he’s even higher on THE LIST than me

VPJG: Sorry. I kind of see you as a mix of PK and Al Franken and some miserable drugged up guy… Kurt Kobain.

ejsthespie: What was it this week, Mister Hiatus? A bad case of Portnoy’s Complaint?

LumberyardWBF: oh shit, it’s friday… I have a column to write tonight

VPJG: Anyway, Eric, how much do you love the Rock?

ejsthespie: I love him like a case of septic shock. Which is what he is to WWE.
ejsthespie: Yeah, I am higher on the list, and remember that. #13 with a friggin’ bullet, babe.

LumberyardWBF: eh, he’s just another wrestler. He can’t be blamed for the WWE creative department’s total lack of depth.

VPJG: Okay, but why?

LumberyardWBF: I’ll defer to the guest for the first point.

VPJG: Eric, the only reason you were 13 on the list was because the one minute you weren’t sucking down twinkies you were sucking Flea’s cock! You and Daniels together!

VPJG: I got my 30 something on merit! I didn’t suck cock!

ejsthespie: You know, I’m more offended by the Twinkies remark than I am about the cock one…

LumberyardWBF: I’m more offended by Grut in general.

VPJG: Why? You are gigantic, aren’t you?

ejsthespie: Six foot, two hundred. Same weight I was when I left the Army eleven years ago.

LumberyardWBF: translate as: Grut’s going to get his ass kicked.

VPJG: Ah the Army. Dishonerable discharge for whining, right?

ejsthespie: Honorable discharge. Care for a digitized copy of my DD214?

VPJG: That means nothing! I can get one of those made for 6 bucks

LumberyardWBF: Grut, we have a debate here… try to keep on topic for once.

VPJG: Sorry. Rock has done nothing negative for wrestling.

ejsthespie: The problem being, of course, that you don’t have the six bucks because your playwriting career hasn’t been going that spiffy-neato. Look, bitch, I acted on stage for longer than you’ve been alive. Why not cast me and see what a REAL actor can do?

VPJG: If nothing else, he tried his damnedest to turn Chris Jericho into a legitimate threat!

ejsthespie: He did his damnest to bury Jericho, you mean.

VPJG: How so?

ejsthespie: Witness August 9th, 1999. Witness the greatest goddamn debut entrance in the history of wrestling. Witness Flex making Jericho look like his bitch in less than five minutes.

VPJG: By putting him over cleanly? The bastard!

ejsthespie: No, by doing what he’s done to every other person who dares to be a threat: he buries their promos. He’s done it to Booker, to Jericho multiple times, to pretty much every damn person he’s feuded with, including Foley.
ejsthespie: He makes them look ridiculous before they get a chance to step into the ring with Mister Four Moves.

LumberyardWBF: burying a wrestler verbally is bad. Burying a wrestler in the ring is worse

ejsthespie: Not if the wrestler in question has made his mark being primarily a promoer like Flex.

ejsthespie: It’s there that the promos count for more than the in-ring action.

LumberyardWBF: Rock will bury them ten ways till sunday outside the ring. Inside it, he puts them over. The blowoff MATCH is what people remember, not the fifteen different ways they got there. The period at the end is the important part

VPJG: Jericho got his barbs off. The only reason you remember the Rock’s words is that his were so much more awesome!
VPJG: Take John Cena right now.

ejsthespie: Oh, please, it was the same old shit from him that I’d already tired of by that point.
ejsthespie: As for Cena, that situation’s different. Cena’s got the in-ring chops to go along with the incredible promo talent.

VPJG: Did you see Cena vs. Lesnar?

ejsthespie: And it doesn’t matter that he puts them over, Daniels. He does it in such a way that it doesn’t carry a risk of hurting his heat. In the meantime, he’s killed the performer before the match started.

VPJG: That doesn’t mean I’m not a fan. I’m a huge fan.

LumberyardWBF: Cena even made me like Steph for a few minutes

ejsthespie: Oh, yeah, Lesnar’s really been a great exemplar of mat wrestling these days. Shooting-Star Press, anyone?
ejsthespie: Oh, come on, Daniels, nobody, not even Cena, can make anyone like Steph.

VPJG: Cena gives awesome promos because he’s allowed to run his opponent down to nothing.
VPJG: When the Rock first started doing that, everyone loved him for it.

ejsthespie: And here’s the problem with that: right now, he’s doing it against another one of Vince’s pets, UT.
ejsthespie: When Flex started doing that, Flex was a heel, just like Cena. It’s acceptable behavior in a heel. But not in a face, especially when the rest of the personality hasn’t been altered, just the ethos.

LumberyardWBF: Truth… I don’t think anyone buys Cena, because they won’t put him over the big dogs, but that’s neither here nor there.
LumberyardWBF: Dude, I’m telling you. I watched Smackdown, and he made me believe she was cool for a bit.

VPJG: So UT is going to kill him on Sunday, maybe. Whatever. Cena comes out of this angle strong based on his promos. Based on being put in the same league as UT. Hey!

ejsthespie: Now, in the Round Table, I picked Cena to win the match, but only because of UT’s dad dying. And I watched SD as well. The revulsion I feel when the BotB comes on the screen trumps even Cena’s mad skillz.

VPJG: The Rock is the Cenataker!

ejsthespie: That’s one of the weirdest visuals you’ve ever inspired in me, Grut.
VPJG: He gives great promos and excites the fans, and then lifts up his opponent by simply fighting them!
ejsthespie: No, Flex finishes the burial job he started with the promos.
ejsthespie: Even when he jobs.

VPJG: Also, Eric was kicked out of the army because he wouldn’t take off his starfleet suit.
VPJG: And I f*cked Daniels girlfriend.
VPJG: Sorry!
VPJG: Ex-girlfriend.

LumberyardWBF: But you can’t blame all that on the Rock. Again, he’s just another wrestler, like thousands before him and thousands after him. He’s still just bound by what creative does for him.

ejsthespie: You ever wear BDUs? Spandex is more comfortable. And I hope that Daniels’ girlfriend went to the clinic afterward, just to be sure.

LumberyardWBF: I have a set of BDU’s… the jacket rules.

VPJG: Good one! Daniels, why don’t you come up with responses like that?

LumberyardWBF: Because I can’t deal with the days and days of IMs from you crying about how you got owned by me.

ejsthespie: He’s also one of the few guys who can have his way with Creative, Daniels. There’s no creative control clauses in WWE, but you think that they don’t listen to Flex? Jesus, they hired a writer on a ninety-day because Flex asked them to.

LumberyardWBF: I mean seriously, every day seeing “VPJG: Why you gotta be so mean” gets old

VPJG: LIAR! I might not tell the truth all the time, but I never lie in this column and you just did!
VPJG: So, how does Rock bury his opponents? Step by step.

ejsthespie: Joshua Grutman: the bar mitzvahed George W. Bush.
ejsthespie: Step One: burial by promo.
ejsthespie: Step Two: continue burial by promo until such time as opponent is not taken seriously.
ejsthespie: Step Three: Go over opponent and reinforce that image.
ejsthespie: Step Three Point One: If opponent goes over Flex, make sure that it is in such a way that Flex’s heat is not jeopardized and that his opponent is STILL not taken seriously.

VPJG: Like HHH did to Booker T. I think that’s the best and most recent example.

ejsthespie: Very good, Grut. Except that Flex got to Booker long before Trip did.

VPJG: And Rock did this to Jericho? Rock did this to Helms? Rock did this to Austin? To the Taker? To Angle?

ejsthespie: Yes, yes, special case, special case, and yes, in that order, Grut.

VPJG: Jericho and Helms beat the Rock! That defeats your thesis!

LumberyardWBF: But, in the same sense… the rub the rock gave Helms and Jericho should have been better, but it’s creative’s fault for never, ever running run it.

ejsthespie: Flex, UT, and Wife-Beater are the three poster children for Backstage Special Protection. They get to ride the short bus.

VPJG: Yeah, no love for Austin here.

ejsthespie: Grut, let me say this again, because you’re not getting it: Jericho and Novocaine beat him in such a way that Flex’s heat wasn’t damaged, and their heat wasn’t enhanced by the act of beating them.

VPJG: Beating women is wrong except when I kick ass on Daniels in this column.

ejsthespie: In order to get a rub, one must give a rub. Flex does not give rubs.

VPJG: When I think of Christian and Helms, I think of the Rock. When I think of Brock lesnar, I think of the Rock. Recently, that’s three stars he’s created.

ejsthespie: Gorf?

LumberyardWBF: Grut, so help me I will get in my car right now, drive to Great Neck, find you, kick your ass, have a smoke, and drive home. I will have kicked your ass and can be in bed by 4 am.
LumberyardWBF: I got an 18 pack of Molson’s and a crowbar with your name on it

ejsthespie: Christian was made a star by the tag ladder match with the Hardys. Helms has the world’s stupidest working gimmick. Lesnar was pushed to the moon from the moment he got to WWE.

VPJG: Daniels, you held up a Grut sign on tv. We’re special friends.

ejsthespie: You held up a Grut sign? Where the f*ck’s the Eric S sign?

LumberyardWBF: for a promised $50 that I never saw.

VPJG: Damn it. All of these typos. Hope Eric S doesn’t spend half his column mocking me!

LumberyardWBF: Hope Grut doesn’t spend half his column mocking me…. but that would require he WRITE one

VPJG: Jeez! I wrote two lousy plays this week! I’m busy.

LumberyardWBF: as opposed to a lousy column?

ejsthespie: Please note: I have stated in my column that staff members are immune from YAM. However, if you don’t cast me in one of those f*cking plays that you supposedly wrote this week, Grut…

VPJG: Not as busy as the Rock, Hollywood’s newest superstar!
VPJG: You must love that Eric.

LumberyardWBF: So what, he’s a wrestler who made it big… why hold him up as a pillar of the community
LumberyardWBF: Someone had to do it eventually

ejsthespie: Please note that the grosses for The Scorpion King were even less than I predicted. I said $140M, and it came in just a titch under $100M (US box only).

VPJG: Yeah, what a loser.

ejsthespie: Yeah, a hundred million dollar movie not making back its f*cking cost…that’s Hollywood’s definition of a loser.
ejsthespie: Let’s see what Helldorado does. I’m willing to bet it’ll be less than that.

VPJG: Why can’t we be inspired? A face whose death was called for becomes a beloved heel and then one of the most beloved faces of all time? Why do we have to hate this guy?
VPJG: You mean Welcome to the Jungle.

ejsthespie: Whatever the f*ck they’re calling it today. Like I’ve cared enough about it to pay attention.

VPJG: Daniels, why is it neither?

ejsthespie: As for why we have to hate him, how about him pulling the same bullshit act for the last five years, an act better suited to him as a heel, as a face the majority of the time?

LumberyardWBF: It’s neither because placing the blame on the Rock for all these problems is pointless. Yes, he buries opponents verbally, but if the creative department let Jericho or Helms or anyone else run with the fact they beat him, it would be great… but they don’t… because no one in the WWE is ever allowed to get over at the expense of anyone else

ejsthespie: And how about the audience being force-fed this act until they buy it completely?
ejsthespie: Bingo. Congratulations, Daniels, you’ve just hit on the truth.

VPJG: Thanks Daniels. Eric S, why can’t you love the Rock? I know you’ve been told this before and don’t want to believe it, but YOU’RE NOT SPOCK! YOU HAVE EMOTIONS!

ejsthespie: Yes, I know of this thing called “hatred”.
VPJG: You don’t live long and use the force or something.
ejsthespie: However, if I have to become Vulcan to nail T’Pol, I’d gladly lose the hatred.
ejsthespie: Let’s face it, she’s hot. Not as hot as Seven of Nine, but hot nonetheless.

VPJG: I don’t know what you’re talking about. Now, Eric, I understand you’re afraid of everything. Does the Rock scare you?


LumberyardWBF: actually, she’s quite hot.
LumberyardWBF: that Maxim spread with Blalock was in my bathroom for weeks.

ejsthespie: With the pages stuck together, no doubt.

LumberyardWBF: well, duh

VPJG: 7 of 9. So 6 were made before and 2 after?
VPJG: What happened to them?

LumberyardWBF: shit, if there were two more made after her, I’d like to see them

ejsthespie: No, you need to understand the nature of unimatricies in the Borg hierarchy. And, actually, we have met her Four of Nine, Five of Nine, and Six of Nine compatriots. The one chick among them was pretty hot when she was human.

VPJG: You ever kill a man in Iraq, Eric? Ever squeeze an Arab’s testicles so hard in the throws of battle that juice just started coming out.

LumberyardWBF: do you realize you have made a phenomena of that man’s semen?

ejsthespie: Not an Arab’s testicles. However, that drill sergeant in Basic will never forget me.

VPJG: Hey? You want to stop talking about the Rock and just bullshit? I’m cool with that.
VPJG: Honestly.
VPJG: Let’s just cut this crappy debate and just talk and make fun of each other.

ejsthespie: Sounds good to me. We all know that he’s a waste and a non-factor, and not even remotely interesting to anyone anymore.

VPJG: Daniels, you down?

LumberyardWBF: this is true
LumberyardWBF: fine with me.

ejsthespie: Besides, it’ll make a better column.

LumberyardWBF: So, for all of you that came here to read about the Rock….. LOSERS

VPJG: Okay. This is the end of the debate. There will be a few more pages, but you can vote now.

ejsthespie: We actually have more wrestling content in here right now than in one of my average news columns.

VPJG: I know. Blah blah blah Republicans. Blah blah blah I hate my readers. Lighten up, man!

LumberyardWBF: hmmm, I should just post this as my news column for tomorrow

ejsthespie: Why not? That’s what Fleabag and Hyatte did subbing for Grut.
ejsthespie: And, frankly, when the big story right now is the fact that Grenier is getting backstage heat, a column’s a bit of a waste.

LumberyardWBF: Dude, there is like never ANYTHING to cover on Saturday

VPJG: That was nice of them. I was shocked to see Hyatte still online. I thought the two of you were driving cross country with Steve Lombardi or something.

ejsthespie: Hey, I invited you, ingrate.

VPJG: Bullshit!
VPJG: You said you and Hyatte!
VPJG: Next week I got an ivite!

ejsthespie: You want me to drag out the quotes, Grut?
ejsthespie: It was in the same column as the first mention.

VPJG: From the first week! You said you and Hyatte were bigger than Keith. I read it. I… I hurt.
VPJG: I figured Hyatte said to bring me along. Hyatte thinks I’m special.

ejsthespie: We are bigger than Keith, in ever sense but physical.
ejsthespie: No, I said to bring you along, because I think you’re special.
ejsthespie: Besides, you’ve got the “cute kid” factor going. We need something to pull in chicks. God knows I’m not going to do it.

LumberyardWBF: I believe you also said that Grut was the driver
LumberyardWBF: I have it on good authority that Grut is far cooler online than in person

ejsthespie: Grut was driving on the presumption that Hyatte would be drunk and I’d be f*cked up on pills.

VPJG: Anyway, if you’re both bigger than Keith, why does he have the book deal and your have the Star Wars Monopoly special edition?
VPJG: you have, rather

ejsthespie: Because publishers, for some reason, don’t like wrestling columnists who don’t concentrate 100% on wrestling and who have a tendency to use obscenities.

VPJG: He’s writing another. I got the beta testing chapters.
VPJG: Don’t know why. Not good friends. Must be a mutual respect thing.

ejsthespie: That’s because he knows that you’d give him a decent pimp. If he sent it to me or Hyatte…
VPJG: Not really. I didn’t love the first book, but I kept that to myself. See
Eric? Everyone respects you if you just make jokes and never give a real opinion.

LumberyardWBF: Nah, I got a review copy of the last book. I’m not one to tear into like some people tore into certain Rant Wars contestants.

VPJG: That’s the way to go!

ejsthespie: That’s your gig, not mine. And I don’t steal other people’s gigs.

VPJG: How many times do I have to admit I’m ripping off Hyatte?

ejsthespie: Hey, I had FUN tearing into the Rant Wars guy. And I have it on good information that he actually liked the criticism. The good information being from Bower.

VPJG: I can vertify that. And the guy I gave a slap on the back was pissed I didn’t Eric S him.

LumberyardWBF: Actually, the Rant Wars thing was fun… I dug my part of it, too. Grut, everyone knows, you don’t have to admit it anymore

ejsthespie: I don’t think any of them are as good as us, but it might just be a matter of practice.

VPJG: When I type a tale, I don’t think anyone is as good as me. There I said it! A Wrestling Tale is the best column on the net!

LumberyardWBF: sure, I guess absence makes the heart grow fonder….

VPJG: Actually, it does.
VPJG: I just typed a new one! You don’t read my stuff!

ejsthespie: Again, it’s your gig. I realized a long time ago that I’m not good at that particular genre. My prose reads like a screenplay with descriptions.

VPJG: You’re very good at making people look like shit. You run them down….
VPJG: Then you write a better column than them…

ejsthespie: …and enjoy every minute of it.

VPJG: No wonder you hate ‘Flex’! You hate yourself!

ejsthespie: No shit I hate myself. Can’t you tell?

LumberyardWBF: Part of writing is the attitude, you have to think and know you’re better than everyone.
LumberyardWBF: and it has to come across.

ejsthespie: And you have to have an approach that brings people in. Which all of us do.

VPJG: But I don’t. When I do junk news, I think it’s crap. People still enjoy it.

ejsthespie: The problem with doing a news column right now is simply lack of news. Most of the news columns are coming across like repeated This Weeks In Wrestling. I try to go off current crap, which is why my column’s 75%+ non-wrestling.

VPJG: I swear, we need to do something about our other sections. Bring in people who didn’t start off reading 411wrestling would be a good start.
VPJG: Eric, you have a girlfriend? Or the courage to talk to women?

ejsthespie: There used to be some great centralized training grounds with RSPW and Delphi. Now it’s Whiteboard City.

VPJG: Okay, forget the women.
VPJG: I disagree. I came in off the street.
VPJG: Never wrote a wrestling column before.

LumberyardWBF: hey me too. I started off doing bios

ejsthespie: I have the guys from the other sections writing me all the time for pimps. So that’s why I came up with my Faustian Bargain: you get pimped, but I get to knock your ass to the ground in the process.

VPJG: You don’t need to train a guy to write a wrestling column if he’s been to college and likes wrestling.
VPJG: I know Eric bounced around a lot of different sites.
VPJG: Mr. Controversial.
VPJG: Hey, Eric, you hate America so much? Go join Daniels in Turkey!

LumberyardWBF: well, no you don’t have to train someone who knows how to write… but the problem is finding someone to write who isn’t flaky

ejsthespie: The main column’s only been on three sites: The Shooters (where I quit), The Smarks (l’affaire Babs), and 411.
ejsthespie: I don’t hate America, I hate the illegitimate government that the Supremes appointed.

LumberyardWBF: flaky meaning they show up majority of weeks

VPJG: In Turkey, they cut off your ears for listening to the Hanson brothers!

LumberyardWBF: I’ll take it. I’ll take it above Al Gore in a heartbeat

ejsthespie: Right now, we’re hurting. It’s summer, and our writing corps is heavily college-age.
ejsthespie: You’re not the one who’s going to be sent to a reeducation camp if Attorney General Bormann has his way, Daniels.

VPJG: Sometimes I think this world is turning into 1984, and I can’t wait! No more thinking, no more worrying. Awesome.

ejsthespie: Until you’re sent to Room 101, Grut.

LumberyardWBF: -Resistance is Futile- -You will be Ash-immilated

VPJG: Hey, they won’t need to send me there. I’ll be the guy who trains the rats.

ejsthespie: I’m sure that Ashcroft’s little drones can find something in your plays that would qualify as doubleplusungood badthink.

VPJG: Well, I do have a lot of situation comedy. That’ll be phased out eventually.
VPJG: And a lot of cursing.

ejsthespie: Told you I’d be perfect for casting purposes. That’s playing right to my strengths.

LumberyardWBF: The more I’ve read your stuff Eric, the more I’ve found that we want mostly the same things, we just have different Ideas on how to get there….. I mean, you hate Hillary, you can’t be all bad.

VPJG: Maybe he can.

ejsthespie: You should hate everyone named Hil(l)ary: Clinton, Rosen, Swank.

VPJG: Eric, you have any war flashbacks? Killing homeless people for fun?

ejsthespie: No, I have no war flashbacks. But I could come up with some if you need them.

VPJG: Awesome. You live in Indiana, right?
VPJG: Idaho?
VPJG: One of the bumblef*ck I’s.

ejsthespie: Illinois. South suburbs of Chicago. About seven miles from where I grew up.

VPJG: Wow. The stories you must have to tell.
VPJG: Eric, you’re 50 something, right?

ejsthespie: Hey, I bank at BankOne, and they were nice enough to stop all fees for online banking. And I’m only 38, you insensitive clod. Also, Daniels, hire me, please. I have GOT to get out of the meat biz.
ejsthespie: Single, no kids, rent, and can relocate at the drop of a hat.

ejsthespie: Why get married? I’m already mentally ill.

VPJG: True. You have ADD, right?
VPJG: Or polio or something. What’s wrong with you again?

ejsthespie: Type II Bipolar Disorder.

VPJG: Bipolar Disorder Bipolar Disorder
VPJG: What next?

LumberyardWBF: Eric, you are so brave for admitting that in public


ejsthespie: Oh, Jesus, Daniels, I just blasted one of the doofs at the Torch for saying shit like that a couple weeks ago in regard to Orndorff.

VPJG: I typed 2…

LumberyardWBF: yes, i know
LumberyardWBF: hence the reason I said it.

VPJG: I typed two Bipolar…
VPJG: nevermind.

ejsthespie: We didn’t pay heed to it in the first place.

VPJG: Really though, a lot of courage. You’re the Michael J Fox of Internet Wrestling.

ejsthespie: The layers of imagery on that one are a tribute to your skill in insulting, my dear Grutman.

VPJG: Aw shucks!
VPJG: So, you must cry a lot. Or is it just a lot of anger?

LumberyardWBF: So Eric, who you think ‘da MAN is going to be for your party?

VPJG: Come on, Joe Lieberman! If a Republican is going to win, I’d be cool with a Jewish Democrat being that Republican.

ejsthespie: Anger. Copious amounts of anger. As for da MAN, I’m hoping Kerry. He’s the only one with the full package to eliminate that waste of oxygen and his fascist cronies.

ejsthespie: I can deal better with Irish pols. I grew up in Mayor Daley’s Chicago. The real one, not the one we have now.

VPJG: I hope Sharpton wins. I’d love to see the debates.
VPJG: Eric, I heard you do well with all kinds of pols.

ejsthespie: Oh, dear God…at least Jesse Jackson’s local. I can understand him.
ejsthespie: Yes, Grut, especially T’Pol.

VPJG: Not as well as Daniels. What’s with the lumberyard name anyway?

ejsthespie: Must have something to do with a plentiful supply of wood for any occasion or use.

VPJG: You got an erection when you shouldn’t have, didn’t you?

ejsthespie: Now, see, there’s the difference. I use the stiletto, you use the sledgehammer.
ejsthespie: I am Addison DeWitt, you are Don Rickles.

VPJG: Well, in this column. I had to do something for personality’s sake.
VPJG: Daniels is like a charasima vampire.

LumberyardWBF: I try.

VPJG: I know! Stop it!

ejsthespie: You seem to have an acceptable personality as it is. I don’t see why you need to alter it. The way I am in the column is the way I am. The way Daniels is makes him perfect for the news column on Saturday that no one reads.

LumberyardWBF: it always flatters me how much respect Grut lavishes on me

VPJG: To his credit, he is nowhere as bad as PK.

LumberyardWBF: do we have to center this around how no one reads my Saturday column? One of these days, Widro and I are going to get that counter working and I’m going to prove you all right.

ejsthespie: Does PK do anything anymore other than the Round Tables? God, I love digging into him during those. I didn’t do it in this one, though, for some reason.

LumberyardWBF: Raw report
LumberyardWBF: i think’
LumberyardWBF: and figures

VPJG: PK likes the toys.

ejsthespie: Sometimes. Doesn’t Jennette do that too? Christ, I’m too damn busy to read those anyway. I have a column to write up.

VPJG: Why do adults collects figures and toys?
VPJG: Also, why do they obsess about a television show that had 20 good episodes?

ejsthespie: Now that’s a good question. Everybody has to have a hobby, I guess. But this one’s just an eentsy-weentsy bit sick.
ejsthespie: All depends on the TV show. The Prisoner, I plead guilty to. 17 episodes, all good.

LumberyardWBF: Hey I mean, my hobby is playing Magic. I’m 24 and collect cards.
LumberyardWBF: I mean, everyone’s got their stupid shit.

VPJG: But they’re toys! It’s not a hobby! It’s a toy! (And my television show thing was a knock on Star Trek.)

LumberyardWBF: I got cards… Grut’s got his plays.

VPJG: Yeah, like my stupid shit. Poker.
VPJG: My plays are my future.

ejsthespie: I got out of Magic years ago. Had a full collection of all cards from original to Ice Age and sold them all off.

LumberyardWBF: Magic has gotten so out of control since the Ice Age block
LumberyardWBF: After Alliances, things just got outta hand

VPJG: Jesus. YOU ARE ADULTS! We play poker and watch sports and talk about women!

LumberyardWBF: It ain’t football season till next week, I have no use for any other sports

ejsthespie: True.

LumberyardWBF: As for poker, the horse’s took it out of my ass today. I have no gambling in me for at least another week
LumberyardWBF: If I ever see Jerry Bailey…. I’ma hurt him

ejsthespie: Fuck, did I use to play mind games with people in Magic…creatureless decks, landless decks…

LumberyardWBF: ……. landless?

ejsthespie: Fuck the Jap shit, Grut.

LumberyardWBF: Creatureless… I’ve got one of those now… Based off Karma and Justice


LumberyardWBF: There’s also a fun new card that jsut came out that is black that bars all creature spells from being cast. Anyone can get rid of it by skipping a turn
LumberyardWBF: that one has turned out to be great fun. Dropped a couple duals in the Karma deck so I don’t have any swamps

VPJG: I think it’s at this point of reading the article that our readers are going to become sad.

LumberyardWBF: They were sad about two pages ago.

ejsthespie: Yeah, I had enough Moxes and Black Lotuses to power 60-card landless decks. Add some interesting “non-land” lands out of Arabian Knights and, especially, Tabernacle At Pendrell Vale, and it was fun.

VPJG: So, you guys play D and D?

ejsthespie: It required a lot of money and too much free time. Be happy you didn’t get into it. Wizards of the Coast is going to be paying some bad, bad karma for that, buying D&D, and making deals with the f*cking Frogs.

LumberyardWBF: Yes, and Shadowrun.

ejsthespie: Yes, I’ve been playing D&D for over twenty years now.
VPJG: My dragon can eat your wizard with a roll of the dice and an elf in my pocket!

ejsthespie: Speaking of elves, according to the latest A List, Orlando Bloom might be holding up the stereotype.

LumberyardWBF: I’m up to almost my 10th year of D&D. Eric: explain?

VPJG: The guy from Pirates?
VPJG: Jeez! You really had a girlfriend Daniels?
VPJG: I mean, you did cause I f*ck her, but come on!

ejsthespie: Orlando Bloom, Legolas in LOTR. Rumor has it that he’s keeping company with a German actor these days, and his dating of actresses is just a beard act.

LumberyardWBF: Yes, surprisingly enough. But she also didn’t know about the geek habits until about a year into things

VPJG: I knew the elf and the dwarf and Rohan and Elroy were all f*cking each other!

LumberyardWBF: I’d have taken a gamer chick, but they scare me.
LumberyardWBF: Orlando Bloom looks gay, I can see that

VPJG: Daniels’ gaydar is buzzing!

LumberyardWBF: now that he mentions it… I can see it

VPJG: You can tell people are gay by the way they look? BIGOT!

ejsthespie: True. Nothing could be gayer than Johnny Depp in Pirates of the Caribbean, but we all know he’s straight.

VPJG: You know who’s gay? Hyatte.

ejsthespie: Oh, big surprise.

VPJG: Hyatte and Flea are in love. Flea’s not gay. He just gets head.

ejsthespie: Hey, if he can’t get it from Desi, turn to an alternate source. Hyatte’s willin’, so it’s there.

LumberyardWBF: and they ain’t in Tejas, so no ones going to jail

VPJG: Shit.

ejsthespie: AIM needs a kick-ban function, desperately.

LumberyardWBF: AIM needs a lot

VPJG: I agree. AIM needs a glory hole.

LumberyardWBF: dude, everythign needs a glory hole

ejsthespie: Thanks. Now I’m trying to figure out the topology of glory holes inside glory holes. I haven’t had to think about this kind of shit since college.

VPJG: Hey, could Jesus make a vagina so wide that he could not enjoy f*cking it?

ejsthespie: Of course, you have to ask yourself if Jesus would enjoy f*cking. There’s no evidence either for or against that proposition.

VPJG: Jesus loved to f*ck. He f*cked over Judas.

LumberyardWBF: He may have been the son of god, but he was still a man

VPJG: Plus, there was that play where Jesus f*cked dudes.

ejsthespie: Unless you count Mary Magdalene, and since she was a pro, then Jesus might have been in possession of a vagina so wide that he did or did not enjoy f*cking it.

LumberyardWBF: It’s possible the whole “son of god” thing was just a schtick to get chicks

LumberyardWBF: look at the Branch Davidians

VPJG: No Tom. It wasn’t. Trust me, it doesn’t work.

And this is probably as good a place as any to end it. If you enjoyed it, cool if you didn’t ah well, you probably don’t read this column anyway.

Till next week.