I’ll never work for Goldwyn again. – Bob Hope, The Princess and the Pirate
Or anyone else, I guess.
In Memoriam: Let’s forget the politics on this one. Bob Hope was one of the greatest, period. What can you say about a guy who proved to be a major influence in vaudeville, movies, radio, and television, and became a patron saint to all bad golfers everywhere? And separate the support for the Vietnam War from his entertaining the troops, please. Those USO tours of his brought enjoyment to people trapped in the worst position a human being can be in, driving away fear and loneliness if only for a short time. So, yeah, he’ll be missed, even by the people who hated him. And, out of respect, I will not use his catchphrase, but will point out that it perfectly fits everyone’s feelings.
That being said, this guy’s been a feature of so many Dead Pools over the past decade or so that it’s going to leave a major gap (even bigger than the Hepburn entries that were filled in a few weeks ago). Who’s going to replace him? Keith Richards?
THE PIMP SECTION
In answer to Williams‘s question, “Remember when you first heard The Rock use the catchphrases “It doesn’t matter what you think!” and “Poon-tang pie” and all the rest of them?”, my answer would have to be “Vomiting copious quantities into a toilet somewhere.”
Baisden is watching PPVs with his drunk f*cking friends again. Nothing we haven’t seen before, or done before.
Memo to Laflin: Let’s see how the beta of Jedi Knight: Jedi Academy that’s floating around right now looks before making judgment. I’d also like to give a tip of the cap to the Europa Universalis team for putting out that latest iteration, Crown of the North, that concentrates on 13th and 14th Century Scandinavia (very strange but satisfying choice of venue). Also, out of those top ten PC sellers…yeah, I know, pathetic, but let’s see how I treated them monetarily:
1. Warcraft III: Frozen Throne Expansion Pack: Pirated
2. The Sims: Superstar Expansion Pack: Pirated
3. Star Wars Galaxies: An Empire Divided: You have got to be kidding
4. The Sims Deluxe: Redundant; I have a full Sims collection
5. Neverwinter Nights: Shadows Of Undrentide Expansion Pack: Pirated, but feel guilty about it; will go commercial, but I’ll be damned if I’m paying $30 for a f*cking expansion pack
6. Warcraft III: Reign Of Chaos: Pirated
7. Grand Theft Auto: Vice City: Pirated
8. The Sims: Unleashed Expansion Pack: Pirated
9. Diablo 2: Bought commercially, but on sale, back when it originally came out, and that was due solely to one of the most f*cked-up copy protection schemes ever created for a game (bad enough that Blizzard lost a LOT of customer goodwill)
10. Rise Of Nations: Pirated
So that’s eight games for $29.95 plus tax, thus giving a much truer value to this list. As you said, though, Cory, the innovation and intelligence are often not found on the sales chart, because those games, frankly, are the ones that aren’t targeted toward the mass audience. Half-Life 2, though, will be.
GET YOU THE HOT BULLETS OF SHOTGUN TO DIE!
What’s the sign of a PPV no one wants to actually watch? 411’s SQL server breaks down like Tommy Dreamer after the last Hardcore WWE match. – Slick Rick
Okay, so it looks like I’m going to have to download this one if Keith is creaming his jeans over it this much. That’s the good thing about downloading it afterward: it’s not only free, you can skip over the shit and get to the good stuff.
I have to find something to bitch about, so I guess it’s going to be the booking. Let’s start at the top. Oh, dear God, please don’t let them turn Lesnar. We already have a situation on Raw where there’s a Number One Heel that has zero heat. That’s what Smackdown would end up with by turning Lesnar. His situation’s so precarious right now that I can’t believe they think that they can turn him without damage just to get another match between him and Angle going. The best thing right now might be to not pull a turn and make this into a face-face “respect and admiration” match. The only good thing I can take out of the result of this match is that I’m not embarassed because I was the only one who didn’t select Lesnar in the RT, and that I put in that nice caveat about them wanting to swing the title to Angle ASAP. I thought they’d play it a little safe and torture us for a month with Paul Wight, Your WWE Champion. Erring on the side of stupidity when predicting WWE’s actions is always a good thing.
Okay, so Eddie has to move on to, oh, Matt Hardy or whoever. That leaves us with a Benoit/Rhyno feud…uh, I don’t see it. Other than a damn good match at SS, is there anything compelling in this feud that would not only honor Our Lord and Savior, but that would make me want to watch Smackdown on a regular basis again?
Why the hell are the tag belts still on Benjamin and Haas? Have they done anything interesting as tag champions? Please note that “interesting” does not equal “have great matches”. At least putting the title on Twinkies ‘N Beans would have been something different to shake up what’s been a pretty languid scene. However, that would mean doing something about the CW strap, and since “creative” couldn’t f*ck their way out of a wet paper bag…maybe it’s better to just leave them on B&H.
When marks and smarks agree on anything, you have to realize that there’s a mass movement behind a concept. Marks and smarks agreed that John Cena should have gone over UT. Again, UT gets protected by “creative”. Is it any wonder why their programming’s ratings chart is flatlined?
And a memo to Scott Keith:
1) Nidia did not do a face turn by helping Mister Take It Up The Bucket. She simply prefers that her relationship with Jamie remain monogamous. Or at least that Jamie doesn’t sleep with anyone as disease-riddled as the Ten-Buck Tramp.
2) How exactly would you know how guys dress up in a gay bar? From what I’ve seen by driving by the ones in Boys’ Town in Chicago, shirtless is definitely not good form, not even during summer or during Pride. Most people either do jacket-and-tie (for the upscale places like Roscoe’s) or leather-and-denim (for the rougher joints like the Cell Block). This is another reason why Chicago is The Greatest: our gay people aren’t pushy and politically-motivated like Noo Yawk or publicly parade the more deviant aspects for Republican consumption like San Francisco during Folsom or Dore Alley or Nawlins during Southern Decadence. They’re just normal guys who prefer to be in bed with other normal guys.
3) There is no better champion than Kurt Angle, agreed. However, this is the wrong time for it.
4) It’s the chipmunk cheeks, man. That’s the whole problem right there.
AND WHAT’S THE PROBLEM WITH THIS?
Last week, Craig Stadler, age 50, wins the BC Open. This week, Peter Jacobsen, age 49, wins the last Greater Hartford Open, following up nicely on his win from nineteen years ago. Jay Haas, also age 49, hung in for two and a half rounds before taking the gas pipe. Kenny Perry, age 43, gets another top ten finish and is big-time in the running for Player of the Year.
GOLFERS WHO ARE OLDER THAN ME ARE NOT SUPPOSED TO BE DOING THIS! They are supposed to be sitting around waiting for the Champions’ Tour, cashing the occasional check, and enjoying that time of life when no one expects them to compete with the Mike Weirs and Jim Furyks and Sergio Garcias and the You-Know-Whos of the world. This kind of behavior is f*cking demented. Just like You-Know-Who, in a sense. He doesn’t like his piss-poor accuracy in driving rating this year, so Tiger Driver 03 is now Tiger Driver 98. Let’s see Misawa pull that kind of shit out of his hat.
Makes you want to watch more cycling, except, for Americans, that sport ended for the year on Sunday when Lance did Paris as only he could*. Maybe we can find it into our hearts to give a little LUV to Michael Phelps. The guy only set five f*cking world records in singles events at the World Swimming Championships. Oh, who knows?
* – Memo to the Canadian twit who decided to piss on my Americans versus Germans over France reference for Lance/Ulrich: Yeah, Lance can start in the middle of the race if he wants, because he’s that f*cking good. And I have one word for you, bitch: Dunkirk.
AS USUAL, I SAID IT FIRST
A perverse, insidious and deadly culture has existed and continues to exist among NFL coaches, which unreasonably subjects player to heat-related illness during practices, ostensibly out of the twisted belief that players benefit from being subjected to such working conditions – from the Stringer/NFL lawsuit.
Memo to the assholes who wanted me fired from The Smarks for calling Korey Stringer’s death a suicide aided and abetted by the Viqueens and the NFL’s asinine macho culture: I sound more legit now that my particular conclusion’s being used as the basis of a nine-figure suit, don’t I? So f*ck you.
GOVERNMENT AGENCIES CAN REALLY SUCK SOMETIMES
So yesterday the phone rings, waking me up at the crack of noon. It’s the Equal Employment Opportunity Commission. Now, I have to say that I was waiting for this particular phone call. I did file a discrimination complaint against my last employer, and was waiting for them to call for an interview appointment. So, this is great. Uh, no, it’s not. This is actually a call about the imbeciles in Iowa, who’ve had a sexual and racial discrimination complaint filed on them. They wanted to know any info that I knew.
Wait, maybe this is good after all. Those assholes can feel a bit of what happens when you piss me off.
I can’t inform you in detail of what I told them, but, frankly, I was as damning to them as much as I could have been without witnessing overt acts of discrimination. I certainly gave the EEOC the impression that, given the people and working conditions, discrimination almost certainly took place. The poultry lines, for instance, came to mind immediately. The guy in charge of them is a power-mad psycho who hates anyone who’s not male and Jewish. There are also, apparently, allegations of required kickbacks by employees to keep their jobs, whether it be cash or nookie. Considering how much the lower-level management guys there make, I told them, it wouldn’t be a surprise if this was true (not to mention the fact, which I didn’t, that this place is in rural Iowa, so poon of any sort is at a premium).
Please, for what they did to me, let them get hauled into court and get slammed.
TOO GOOD TO PASS UP
From the CNN Wire: U.S. troops sifting through the wreckage of the house in Mosul where Saddam Hussein’s two sons were killed found Uday Hussein’s briefcase, which contained $400,000 in U.S. currency and 30 million Iraqi dinars, or about $21,400. Uday’s briefcase also contained Viagra, a condom, packaged underwear, shirts, cologne and a “tacky tie,” according to a government source familiar with the inventory.
Are you absolutely certain that this was Uday Hussein that was killed? This sounds like the baggage for a character in any Grand Theft Auto game, especially Vice City…hey, he was headed to Miami! We could have saved ourselves the trouble of getting guys killed in an ambush, let him pussy out, and have the Dade County cops pull him over for speeding. Problem solved.
Of course, the option remains that finding the briefcase was indeed a lie, and some GTA-addicted infantrymen are pulling a fast one on us. Either way, sure looks like Rockstar Games deserves a piece of that reward, if not for inspiration, then to pay off a theft of concept settlement.
SEGREGATION LIVES
From the AP Wire: New York City is creating the nation’s first public high school for gays, bisexuals and transgender students…It…will specialize in computer technology, arts and culinary arts.
Because God knows that GLBTs are underrepresented or have been discriminated so much against in the artistic and culinary fields.
Now let’s discuss a place where discrimination is rampant, obvious, and truly part of the fabric: Raw.
THE SHORT FORM
Match Results:
Booker T and Big Sump Pump over Christian and Test (Pinfall, Booker pins Christian, scissors kick): The participation of Booker and Christian in a match is reason to pay attention. The existence of Sump Pump and Test is reason to despair for the future of humanity. So, naturally, I paid no attention to it. However, I must give one prop to Test: he’s getting better at the cheap heel heat thing. Of course, that isn’t saying much.
Bill Goldberg over Stevie Richards (Pinfall, duh): You know, it’s only when something involves Goldberg that we as fans accept a post-match promo that takes five times longer than the match did, including entrances. However, it did produce a nice set-up for next week. Goldberg versus Flair will be…awfully interesting, in more than one way. Let’s see if they have Goldie go more than five minutes, and let’s see if Flair can get the broomsticks out of storage.
Val Venis over Rico (Pinfall, Money Shot): If Coachman would have just shut his f*cking yap for a moment about the gimmicks, maybe someone could have actually noticed that Morley and Constantino put on a pretty decent match. Now, that being said, there is a great tag team dynamic that’s only being separated by one of these two guys turning, just with the gimmicks (the wrestling would come naturally): porn star, fop, and fag hag. This is something that can actually be worked with in an SE sense. Of course, getting “creative” to recognize this would be nigh impossible.
Kevin Nash over Chris Jericho (DQ, Hebner’s A Whiny Bitch): Hmmmm, they might have stumbled on to something here. The post-match beatdown was, as his similar shenanigans with Trip a couple months ago, better than any Nash match in the past five years. Why not pull the trigger on this one? Jericho/Nash, FCA. That might actually be interesting, in a sadistic way, to watch. This is opposed to being interesting to watch in a masochistic way, which has been the case with every other Nash match over the past…yeah, I’m stretching. Thank God Slick Rick wishes to dissent:
How does a win by DQ and subsequent oh-so-slow “beat down” of the heel put Nash over as a monster face? Make Nash a manager so he can stay where he’s still strong, on the mic, and out of where he’s not, where he has to walk. Give him a wheelchair gimmick or something.
Or just have him beat up people with a wheelchair. I’ll settle for any situation where he doesn’t have to pretend to be a wrestler and can do garbage shit on camera and get away with it. And, my God, what possessed you to buy a Honda Element? Get rid of that ugly f*cker and buy a bunch of pistol-type tasers for yourself.
La Res over Garrison Cade and Mark Jindrak (Pinfall, Grenier pins Jindrak, flapjack): If WWE wants to keep Jindrak and Cade together, they’re going at it the right way, sort of. The booking is quite familiar; in fact, it involves half of that team. Jindrak and Cade are being booked like Jindrak and O’Haire in WCW. At least, they should be booked that way. And they do need to be kept together. You know what the sequence of events will be: La Res drop the straps to someone, and within a week, Grenier will be turfed. Dupree goes solo and gets turned face. They need somebody to fill the void. Why not Cade and Jindrak?
Agent Holly over Trinity, Women’s Title Match (Pinfall, Molly-Go-Round, New Women’s Champion): Well, well, guess who’s being punished for f*cking up her spots? Better to put it around the waist of someone safe and skilled like Molly Holly than to have it around the waist of Jackie Gayda In The Making. And it was great to see her break out the Molly-Go-Round again. All in all, good decision. The only better decision would be to have her drop it to Victoria, but there’s that Stevie thing to deal with in that case, so this was probably better on all counts.
Angle Developments:
Audience Awareness Is So Down These Days: Vince walks out, the night after a PPV in which he defeated Zach Gowen, and the audience didn’t even attempt to start a “You Beat Cripples” chant (in fact, Vince doesn’t even mention Vengeance…he’s serious about the brand separation)? Damn, Colorado Springs, if this was Philly, they’d have hopped on that right away. You’re pathetic. Pathetic enough that when Vince appears, you react like sheep and come thisclose to turning Kane face before Vince has the chance to do it later in the program.
Dialogue I Would Have Liked To Have Heard: “Is my wife still considered a WWE superstar?” “No.” “So she doesn’t have to provoke me, right?” “Correct. You can beat her whenever you want.” “Okay, I’ll stay.”
With One Breath, With One Flow, You Will Know Synchronicity:
The Ravin’ Cajun, 10:26 ET: …what are the odds that after all of this is said and done we’ll get the One Good McMahon on TV rather than the Bitch, the Bore and Vinnie Mac? I was hoping Shane would come out this week to deal with Kane (and get slaughtered, appropriately) rather than Good Ol’ Vince flopping out and proving his balls are bigger than everyone else’s, damnit!
11:01 ET: “Here Comes The Money” kicks in, and about goddamn time.
Albeit, I must say that I was a week early in this assertion, but had the wrong motivation for Shane’s appearance.
Ah, to hell with it. Gotta save something for tomorrow. Until then…
About Eric Szulczewski
