RAW had ZERO intrigue for me, and when a lifelong wrestling fan could give a shit about what happens on RAW (and I wasn’t much more pissed once I found out what happened), you have a problem. Yeah, I’ll probably be more into it next week, if only to see The Man wrestling against Goldberg, and whatever Shane does. Yeah, Hurricane is funny, yeah, Jericho is good, but NOTHING IS GOING TO HAPPEN as long as Triple H has the title.
Now, don’t get me wrong, I’m not one of those people who blames everything on Triple H, but the guy has had the title since December, and only Michaels’ one-month lame-duck run has interrupted Trip’s dominance since SEPTEMBER. That’s just WAY too long in this era of monthly pay-per-views. Yeah, it may help whoever ends the reign, but in the meantime, everyone who Trip has gone over is stuck in their current feuds. THAT’s WWE’s biggest problem: Stagnance. It might be a little better if it were the HHH of 2000-01 dominating the main event, but not by much. My point for today is that Trip NEEDS to drop the belt at Summerslam, not necessarily because of his own fualts (although those don’t help), but to liven up the show and bring back SOME sense of unpredictability.
Some telling commentary from The Pride of Dartmouth, Elliot Olshansky
Okay, I wasn’t really concentrating on wrestling for a good portion of the day. I was f*cking around with the beta of Jedi Academy that leaked from Activision’s clutches. It’s pretty complete for a beta. I’ve been through a decent portion of the game so far, and the only thing I can see that they need to do work on is the movement of certain riding animals that shall not be named. I will say, though, without reservation that it’s a worthy Dark Forces game, matching the other three, despite the fact that you’re not playing Kyle Katarn (he’s an NPC). I will also say that this is the most blatant suck-up to a fan base that I’ve ever seen anyone do in a computer game, and LucasArts is a past master at trying to make up for Lucas’ “blow your fans’ goodwill” antics. Let’s just say, without blowing the plot, that the characters and settings are…neurotically familiar. It’s fan fiction done with the Quake 3 engine. Worth the download.
THE PIMP SECTION
Williams tells me he’s got a really big column coming up next week. He’s going to reveal his Top 50 NA-based wrestlers. In the meantime, he brings us up to present on his Top 20 lists from the past. So keep reading him.
Murphy dissects Tietam Brown. I can’t be bothered to pick it up. Foley’s book tour, meanwhile, hits Ohio later this week. God help him.
To answer the question posed by Mister Biscuiti, Chris Isomer, no, it can’t. They screwed the pooch on it at Wrestlemania 17.
Memo to Baxley: Maxx Payne is entitled to sue, because I think he owns the trademark that WCW took out on his nom de guerre (some wrestlers do endeavor to purchase any trademarks to names they’ve been using after their departure from the company that took the trademark out). Besides, don’t you want to see 3D Realms (for the Duke Nukem Forever shenanigans) and Rockstar (for delaying GTA3 and GTA:VC for the PC) take it up the ass?
OH, GOD, HE’S GOING TO BITCH ABOUT THE RATINGS BLURB AGAIN…
Since when has a 4.0 for Raw been “strong”? Strong?! This is a show that used to pull in sixes and sevens a few years ago. Apparently people have forgotten that…
…I am NOT going to do this again. I am NOT going to go off on the staff here for blindly cutting and pasting the judgments of another website (in this case, the Torch). It just doesn’t do any good. It’s Widro and Ashish doing the cutting and pasting, and they own the goddamn site. They’re going to do what they feel like doing to promote hits and ad revenue coming in, including the use of disingenous statements. Well, f*ck me for having a shred of integrity.
Screw it. Let’s move on.
AW, POOR BABY…
Trip has a groin strain. Or maybe it’s a hernia. They don’t know, I don’t care. It keeps him out of action until SummerSlam, possibly longer.
So what’s the backup plan if he can’t go out there and job to Goldberg?…wait a second…when the hell are Trip and Steph going to tie the knot? It’s around SS, isn’t it? So let him go out, do the injury angle, and the Couple From Hell gets a nice, long honeymoon (maybe she can do a injury angle while we’re at it). What’s the worst that could happen? Goldberg could do unto him as he did unto Bret. Or the injury could be aggravated to the point where he’d have to retire, just like Michaels and Steamboat. The only difference here is that we, the fans, regretted what happened to Michaels and Steamboat.
SMACKDOWN SOMEWHAT SPOILED
Oh, God, I hate those West Coast tapings. I have a choice when that happens: crash early, wake up relatively early, and finish this puppy off so that it actually gets on the main page on Wednesday, or stay up late and wait for it. I chose the second option this week.
Obviously, the main focus this week is on the payoff from the Jamie Noble/Billy Gunn match. Noble gets to sleep with the Ten-Buck Tramp due to his victory at Vengeance. Naturally, Jamie’s regular partner and the Slut’s regular partner must be involved in this somehow. And, boy, are they involved. You’ll have to see it to believe it. Or to not believe it, as the case may be.
Ah, how nice of two newly-minted rivals like Kurt and Brock to flash back to before the events of Sunday and team up for the main event…oh, wait, Vince is forcing them to do it. Here goes another world title match where we’re going to wonder who the heel is.
Chris Benoit versus Doink the Clown. Just kill me now.
Zach Gowen’s place on the Smackdown food chain is now established. He jobs to Shannon Moore, which puts him slightly below fungi.
Good news for next week: Cena versus UT, probably. Bad news for next week: It’s not the main. That’ll be Brock versus Vince, Steel Cage Match…I can’t make shit like that up, folks.
COVER-UP
So the Junta refuses to declassify any of the classified portions of the congressional report on September 11th, and they’re citing “national security” as the reason. Oh, what a big friggin’ surprise that they’re using “national security”. Ever since the Patriot Act, anything can be put under a lockdown for “national security” reasons. Now, as to what and whom they’re protecting…
People who know say that the classified sections deal with the Saudi royal family and their connections to al-Qaeda, connections that anyone with an ounce of awareness know exist. Of course, once a connection to the royal family is established, it’s easy to extend those connections to all of Dubbaya’s Houston oil buddies and to the Bush family itself. This isn’t a national security matter, this is a matter of having Dubbaya’s real interests exposed in plain language for all the world to see, enough info that even his ardent defenders would have to ask what his motivations were to invade Iraq. So naturally they’re going to keep this information under lock and key.
Now here’s the kicker: the Saudis want the info released. They’re royally pissed that certain people (read: Democratic senators) are using the fact that the information isn’t publicly available to make charges that they can’t defend themselves again. Ambassador Prince Bandar, the one Saud whom everyone seems to like, said “Saudi Arabia has nothing to hide. We can deal with questions in public, but we cannot respond to blank pages.” This is a very mature attitude to take: put the information out there, and we’ll answer it the best we can. Naturally, they’ll lie like motherf*ckers about there being no connection, but they want their lies to be based off of something concrete.
I think the real embarassing part of this situation isn’t the cover-up or even the material that’s contained in there. It’s the fact that representatives of one of the world’s strictest societies are blasting the United States about freedom of information. What does that say about the Junta?
MEET THE NEW BOSS, WORSE THAN THE OLD BOSS
As anyone who’s been following the P2P scene knows, Hilary Rosen, the head of the Recording Industries Association of America, field general against alleged copyright infringement, the first and one of the few Democrats who’d be up against the wall when the revolution comes, and Rosie O’Donnell look-a-like contest winner, is leaving the RIAA to join CNBC as a talking head (since businessmen can’t get enough of fat know-nothing lesbians). Well, on Monday, her replacement was named. The new head of the people who want to take away our God-given right to trade files is Mitch Bainwol. Bainwol is a Washington lobbyist who happens to be very well-connected (as are all Washington lobbyists): he’s the former chief of staff to Senate Majority Leader Bill Frist.
They went as inside as inside can get. A Republican, who’d fight for corporate interests harder than any Democrat. A guy with a direct line to the person who runs the legislative agenda of the Senate. A politico from Tennessee, a state where the music interests have an incredible amount of influence. A high-level connection by the GOP into the still-heavily-Democrat music business. This guy’s a walking conspiracy.
We’ve all been waiting for the RIAA to make the direct comparison between file trading and terrorism. Now, with Bainwol in, it’s going to happen. Personally, I’m sick and tired of it. This appointment gives me the political rationale that I need to share anything and everything I get my hot little hands on. Let them compare me to being a terrorist. If I do my part in destroying today’s music business, then it’s a victory well-fought. Anyone who says shit like “What could be more rewarding than helping to promote two great American traditions: music and property rights?” has to be taken down, and taken down hard.
Memo to Dave Bridges: what you read about was Representative Howard Berman’s bill to criminalize file-sharing to the point where it would actually carry less prison time to shoot your neighbor, steal a CD from him, and burn a copy than it would be to download it off the Net and burn a copy. We in the community aren’t taking this seriously. Howard Berman is the **AAs’ pet congressional bitch, and he’s always proposing crap like this. He’s the court jester, nothing more.
MAILBAG!
411 employees automatically get the God Slot if they write something spiff to me. So take it away, Mister Biscuiti, Matt Isomer:
Shane answers the big question “what’s next for Kane?”, and we get to see him bump like a madman at SummerSlam against the monster. Assuming HHH does the right thing vs. Big Bill, and you’ve effectively built up your next logical opponent to feed to Goldberg without having to throw Randy in the ring with him (and let’s face it, outside of Evolution, what heels are left that Goldy hasn’t already beaten? Exactly)…
This is assuming that they can keep Kane heel. Thanks to Vince’s involvement, they were damn close to the audience turning him face on Raw. Fortunately, I believe they have plans in this vein that should be effective.
As for Orton, this is definitely a “too much, too soon” thing. After dealing with Michaels, have him chase Booker after the IC. That has the side benefit of elevating both Booker and the IC strap into relevance again.
Another interesting aspect of this whole shebang is WWE finally has, once again, the perfect opportunity to split the brands once and for all: by pulling the trigger on the Vince/Linda divorce angle that pops up once every two years. I’d rather not fantasy book, but in a divorce settlement you have the perfect storyline loophole to relegate Vince (along with Stephanie if you’d like) to SmackDown! (or “WWE”) and “sell off” and re-name RAW to some other appropriate acronym. “WCW” (or my favorite idea, “RCW” (Raw Championship Wrestling)) owned by Shane or Bischoff works fine by me.
I’d go the GNU route and call the new fed WINE (WINE Is Not ECW…yes, I know about the software package, so none of you Linux crunchies write in and bitch at me) and have Heyman run it. Yours is a good idea, though, which means they’ll never do it.
Kane may not end up with the World Title (unless he ends up traded to SmackDown! for some fresh feuds), but by Survivor Series he’ll be used as maybe the most effective Jobber to the Stars you can get (AND the catalyst to major storyline developments, if they decide to go that route).
I don’t think they’re thinking long-term with Kane, which means that he’s f*cked. I have no idea what they’re going to do with him after SS, unless it’s to put him in the IC mix. Maybe I’d be more comfortable with the whole angle if I could see a way out.
Memo to The Only Man More Liberal Than I Am, Zach Singer:
1) There is no regulation in any branch of the military that says that anyone in a unit has to speak the native language of the place where they’re at. In fact, when I first got to Germany, the other people in my little group of traveling inspectors were amazed that I spoke some German (having taken it in high school and college). So “misunderstandings” with the natives are bound to happen in Iraq.
2) I caught PTI today and heard Mike Golic’s nonsensical blather about the macho/stupid football culture that encourages guys to die of preventable heat injuries. What he said nauseated me so much I had to leave the room. However, if you’ve ever listened to Golic on the radio, you’d already know what a complete f*cking moron the guy is, so I expected it.
Semi-Regular James Lawson has an interesting query about two of Yr Humble Scrivener’s current faves:
With Lance Storm and Chris Nowinski not doing anything of note right now, why not make them into a tag team similar to (with all due respect) Blanchard and Anderson?
Well, Harvard still has to recover from post-concussion syndrome, but afterward…yeah, why not? They’ve got a workable gimmick as a team. However, Blanchard and Anderson…that’s pretty high up the food chain of tag teams there. Since everyone’s shying away from the word “Horsemen” right now in regard to Evolution, you can’t use that as the model. However, you can use the Brainbusters, and you’ve got a decent facsimile of Heenan in Teddy Long. Lance Storm, discriminated against? Yeah, you can make a case for it.
Kromadas13 answers my rhetorical question from yesterday’s In Memoriam:
I’m sure you’ll get several of these, but we all know who actually goes to the top of the death pool now (and has been up high for many years). Ronald Reagan. Of course I loathe to hear the right-wingers turn this man into an even larger hero in death than they pretend he is now, it will still be great to know when that f*ck has ceased breathing.
His is one of the few In Memoria I am salivating to get at. Hope you like burning in Hell, Ronnie.
Memo to Adam Webb: The NFL is just jacking itself off with the 200 large fine to Matt Millen for not interviewing minories. Everyone and their dog knew that Mooch was the only candidate they wanted. The Niffle is making an example out of Millen to show everyone that they’re serious about hiring minorities for head coaching positions, not because they felt there was active discrimination taking place. However, anything that hurts the Lions is cool by me. I am a Bears fan, remember.
Memo to Paul Riggs: 1) Golf is a sport, not a game. There’s too much skill separating the pros from the amateurs for it not to be a sport. 2) I don’t think Tigger’s grasping for straws going back to his old driver. Golf is played on the course and in the head. If he believes that going back to the old driver can get his head straight about his driving accuracy, more power to him. And he’s won four times this year, so there’s no slump. 3) Gray Davis…that’s up to the people of the Demented State of California. The guy’s f*cked up big-time on a lot of things, but a recall vote was unnecessary. Let the guy just finish his term out and get out of Sacramento with a little dignity.
And, finally, bchisolm, who fancies himself a thorn in my side, thinks he can get YAM by asking me a pointless question (you are right, though; there’s too much competition in the stupid and offensive categories). However, his pointless question is a pretty good thought experiment in disguise, and can almost be used as an ink-blot test for wrestling fans. I’ll answer it, and you should as well. It could tell a lot about what kind of wrestling fan you are:
If the god of Contrivances came down from Olympus or wherever the gods are living these days and set it up for you to run a wrestling promotion whose roster consisted of everyone who’s ever been WWF/E/Whatever Heavyweight Champion (i.e., Sammartino, Koloff, Morales, Stasiak, Graham, Backlund, Inoki, the Iron Sheik, Hogan, Andre, Savage, the Warrior, Slaughter, the Undertaker, Flair, Hart, Yokozuna, Diesel, Michaels, Sid, Austin, Kane, the Rock, Mankind, Triple H, Vince, the Big Show, Angle, Jericho, and Lesnar) at the height of their powers, who would you push as champion? Who would you have them feud against? Who would you drop like a hot potato?
Okay, I’m going to have to presume the following:
1) The God of Contrivances set this up as my business, not a plaything. I have to come up with something that will draw money, not amuse me (and as WWE has demonstrated repeatedly over the years, the two seem to be mutually exclusive).
2) The God of Contrivances has restricted me to only these people on the roster. Otherwise, I’d say f*ck all of them for the top card and start promoting that Benoit/Kawada Best of Seven series.
First of all, if this is my entire roster, I’d have to keep all of them, wouldn’t I? Otherwise, I couldn’t fill house show cards or TV schedules. Yes, even Sid. Every roster needs jobbers. Nash, you can join him. Same with you, Yoko. Warrior, take a seat. Slaughter, I have special plans for you, and they involve Koloff repeatedly sodomizing you with an American flag. And Trip, Flex, and Austin…you’re going to wish you never heard my name. You’re going to get less ring time than Tony Chimel with laryngitis. I’ll take the monetary loss to do that, thank you.
There are “jobber candidates” on this list that I didn’t mention, mostly because they can be programmed well together: Imagine if Heenan was still managing Andre and they picked up Wight. UT and Kane get back together with Paul Bearer as manager. Bret and Sheik as a tag team sounds like a workable, interesting proposition; you can pair up two guys with submission finishers so that one can run interference for the other.
There are numerous people who I would perform Gimmick Surgery on. Stasiak needs a new finisher; the heart punch just won’t do. Michaels would have to play acolyte to Graham. Backlund would immediately get plugged into the Lance Storm gimmick (and I wouldn’t mind seeing him feud with Lesnar). Since Eddy Guerrero isn’t around, let’s see if Pedro can pull off Latino Heat/Jesus (if it was Tito Santana in that position, I wouldn’t have this concern). Go work-shoot with Bruno and have him do a Steve Corino-style Old School gimmick, and give him Jericho and Angle as Team Sammartino. Fuck Mankind; Foley plays Cactus. Vince gets to manage anyone he wants.
That leaves the top card for my fed: Flair, Hogan, Savage, and Inoki. Hogan’s charisma just can’t be denied, and the other three will sell for him when needed. However, the f*cker jobs when I tell him to, otherwise his ass is out. In the meantime, you’ve got some great matches coming out of the other three virtually at will. That should not only draw money, but keep the purists off my ass.
That’s what I’d do. Your mileage may vary.
Well, that’s it for here for this week. I’ll probably end up doing a column over at Fleabag’s, but stay out of the goodness that is Grut vs. Daniels. I really should take more care in the way I spread myself around. Otherwise, you never know what may happen
About Eric Szulczewski
