Welcome back to The Bootleg. I’m like the combination of an open mouth sore and a glass of orange juice. Last weekend, The Bootleg made its triumphant return to Anaheim to see the mighty A’s battle the evil Rally Monkeys. I saw two games and the A’s won them both, but that wasn’t the highlight. On Saturday, just as I got off the freeway in Orange County, who do I see in the car next to me? Why, it’s A’s pitcher Tim Hudson!
A longtime reader of this column and an expert in “celebrity/civilian” interpersonal relationships once told me that whenever you meet a celebrity, don’t gush all over them. Give him/her something to remember. So, I roll the window down and scream out “Good luck tomorrow!” as he was pitching the next day. He looked over from the shotgun position and laughed the laugh of a man who has never wanted a light to turn green more in his life. He politely asked if I was goin’ to the game, to which I said, “Yeah, but I still don’t have a ticket. Do you got any extras?”
Yes, I’m beggin’ a millionaire ballplayer for any leftover comp tickets he might have layin’ around the glove compartment of his rental car. Hudson laughed again (still prayin’ for the light to change) and informed me he had none. So, I told him that my wife loves him (she does) and if I called her would he say ‘hi’? He’s laughin’ his ass off by this point and said, “Sure”.
Women are like free porn websites, they’re never around when you really, really want one and my call went to her voicemail. It’s just as well, cuz at that moment the light turned green and the car (driven by an older guy who I couldn’t identify) peeled outta there. I’m sure Hudson would’ve jacked my phone and tried to steal my wife. And I really like my phone.
That was it. My 30-second brush with greatness that completely overwhelms my usual bushel of goodness…
How Can A Movie Suck When Production Hasn’t Started?
‘K…try to follow along. Lil’ Kim is in talks to star in something called National Lampoon’s Bouncers. It’s a heartwarming tale of three brothers who are released from jail after being framed. From there, they become bouncers at a nightclub. Think 3 Strikes meets A Night at the Roxbury. Vivica Fox, whose career is spiraling towards the same black actress graveyard that claimed the likes of Thelma from Good Times, Hilary from The Fresh Prince and Dee from What’s Happening! is already on board as a character called “Fine Ass Debbie”. Kim would play Debbie’s cousin, Starlight. No word on who’ll play the three male leads, but my money’s on Stoney Jackson, Blair Underwood and Malcolm Jamal Warner.
Cruiserweight D
The overweight lover is no more. In a crushing blow to the mayonnaise and Crisco markets, rapper Heavy D has dropped 135 pounds (or the equivalent of Sean Waltman) from his frame. D had designs on pursuing his acting career and found that his weight was becoming an issue in getting choice roles. So what’s his reward for cutting back on fried everything? A recurring role on The Tracy Morgan Show. Y’know…that guy from Saturday Night Live who played old stereotypical black women in every sketch he was in. I blame Eddie Murphy for this. After his departure from SNL, every brutha from Damon Wayans and Chris Rock to Tim Meadows and Ellen Cleghorne (yeah, “she’s” a woman…) has crashed n’ burned tryin’ to follow suit.
For Those Of You Who Believe “Saba Simba” Means “Seven Lions”
This just in: 50 Cent and Ja Rule don’t like each other. In an interview with the AP, the cookie monster said his feud with 50 wasn’t about publicity…it was about…ah, who the hell cares, I’m as sick of this beef as the rest of y’all are. Ja Rule’s interview also touched on his recent performances in South Africa. Quoth Ja, “How can you not go to the Motherland and represent where you came from?” Yeah, I know my ancestors were plucked from their penthouse suites at the Johannesburg Hyatt and put right onto those slave ships. I think it was after their fourth or fifth bottle of Henny and all the groupies had already left. I’m willin’ to bet that Ja Rule still couldn’t find “the motherland” on a map if I spotted him six of the seven goddam continents and gave him Kamala as a guide.
It’s Beginning To Look A Lot Like Crackhouse…
Did you hear that Whitney Houston is putting the finishing touches on her first-ever Christmas album? Yep. For inspiration, she’s turning to the man who produced her recordings for the soundtrack to 1996’s The Preacher’s Wife. For some reason, Whitney doesn’t get nearly the press for her complete lack of acting skills that Madonna gets. Personally, I’d put Houston’s turns on Waiting to Exhale and The Bodyguard against Madonna’s dreck in Body of Evidence and The Next Best Thing any day of the week and twice on Sunday.
Outta My Way, Jerkass!
Minnesota fans: Remember a few years ago when your boy Randy Moss hit that traffic cop with his car? Quoth House Party 2, “It’s déjà vu like a muthaphukka”! This time, senior citizen drummer Nico McBrain from Iron Maiden is charged with runnin’ down a parking lot attendant. I got a couple of takes on this one. First, I’m sure it’s just a misunderstanding as McBrain’s walker probably got lodged onto the gas pedal. Second, Nico McBrain is worst music name since “Baby a/k/a Tha #1 Stunna”.
Take Me to Camden Yards…Hey, Didn’t You Used To Be…?
Darryl Hill is a cab driver in Baltimore. That’s probably not all that shocking until you realize that Hill is the given name for Wu-Tang Clan hanger-on Cappadonna. Furthermore, he’s been homeless for a stretch of time, as well. Now, Hill is fighting to get his life and finances back in order. He’s targeted former friend RZA as the man who’s cheated him out of his bones and is pursuing legal action against him. RZA and his brother ran the business arm of the Wu-Tang Empire. Personally, I hope this works out to the benefit of all involved and that problems like these befall those who really deserve it. Lil’ Bow Wow…Master P…I’m lookin’ in your direction.
On The Corner of C-Murder Court and Ghostface Killah Lane
He was an influential spirit for the hip-hop generation. He was one of the most important musical talents to ever hit the scene. He was taken from us far too soon. But, c’mon, y’all…I ain’t tryin’ to hear all this nonsense about “Jam Master Jay Street”. There’s apparently a petition goin’ around the streets of Hollis, Queens to rename 203rd Street after the slain DJ. Why do cats think that empty gestures like this carry any weight? Those of y’all who live in big ass American cities only have to drive down your Martin Luther King, Jr. Street. I guarantee you that Dr. King’s dream didn’t have anything to do with prostitutes, 99-cent stores and dudes who’ll clean your windshield with a newspaper.
Bubblegum Pop & Redneck “Sport”
What is it with untalented whores from the music world and sh!tty movies, this week? Now, Britney Spears is movin’ forward as the star and executive producer of Trading Paint. It’s a wholly original story of a NASCAR driver who quits racing and his daughter (Spears) who brings him back to the track. Who could this flick possibly appeal to? Britney fans saw right through her leaden performance in Crossroads. While car racing fans failed to support (cough) “classic” films like Days of Thunder, Driven and my personal favorite…Six Pack. Anyone else remember that two-week stretch in 1982 when Kenny Rogers was the biggest name in entertainment?
Sometimes The News Just Writes Itself
Mötley Crüe’s Vince Neil has been a bad widdle boy. He allegedly roughed up a prostitute at a brothel in Nevada. “Sex Professional” Andrea Terry filed the compliant against the longhaired freak last week and claims that Neil grabbed her around the throat and threw her against a wall. Hey, didya ever notice how hookers look nothing like Juila Roberts in Pretty Woman or Melanie Griffith in Milk Money? Just once, I’d like to find one with all her teeth, no tattoos or bruises and hairless armpits.
General Haberdashery
Jimmy the Horse has somethin’ for the hard-to-find “First Listen” section of The Mania.
Frankie D with a brand new review that wasn’t written by me.
Fern Dawg is following in that great Saturday tradition of “Schoolhouse Rock”, “One to Grow On” and “Superfriends”.
Junk Mail
Here’s a question I get all the damn time…representing the masses is m’man Brian C. direct from the Qwest IT Help Desk:
Man when are you ever on aol? I keep trying to IM you and let ya know how much I like your column. I read it every week!!! Keep up the goodness brutha.
Unfortunately that damn job o’ mine involves contracts with various governments including the U.S., Japan, Israel and Egypt. They all have pretty stringent restrictions that prevent IM software on our work computers. Yet, they all apparently have no problem with me writing my column on their dime. That’s the long way of sayin’ you can catch me after hours, usually when the sun goes down in your neck of the woods.
Next up is Lenny from the 3rd floor…
I took a break from cramming for Summer School finals (Yay) and I can say you’ve been on point with most of your reviews (8.5 for Blueprint 2? what a joke or the inflated Budden rating). The Freeway score was about right, he has to be one of the worst rappers today (along with his labelmates Juelz Santana and Jim Jones from the Diplomats). I bet Dame and Jay-Z look at Freeway’s signing like Carmen Electra looks at her marriage to Rodman, what the f**k was I thinking?
I can’t believe you gave Keith Murray’s cd an 8. Did you get a better copy of his cd than me? Way too much “jiggy” bs on this cd, I’m ashamed to tell people that Keith Murray, Eric Sermon and even the washed up (you read right) Redman use to form a great good, Def Squad. Damn, this is what jail does to a brotha, it just ain’t right. Somebody should bury Keith’s career next to, The Dell kid, Martin Lawrence, and Cuba Gooding Jr.. That’s just my opinion though, keep up the good work.
Glad there’s someone out there who was feelin’ my Freeway review. Oh, and thanks for continuing the once-a-month emails from y’all who bust on me for that Blueprint 2 review. I never get tired of those. Finally, the Keith Murray column was not penned by me. You can thank Salemi Version 1.0 for that review, which most of y’all seemed to agree with. Uh, did I say “most”…?
I don’t think your fooling anyone wit that Keith Murray review. I know you wrote it and if your a man you’ll admit it so you can take the critisism you deserve. An eight?!?!? For that wack ass cd? You should gave it the four that you dumb ass gave Freeway. I had a whole song by song rebuttal, but there’s no point…I’m sending it in to Widro so hopefully he’ll give me your job and someone that knows something about hip hop can speak on it.
The best thang about this letter is that it was signed “Joey”. Sorry, kid, but if you’re over the age of 12 and still referring to yourself as “Joey” and not “Joe” or “Joseph” or “Just Joe”, then you’re either Blossom’s brother or a loser. Hey, six of one, half dozen of the other.
“Does your wife know she married a bitch?”
Sorry, I know that’s from last week, but I hadda include it again. Even Mrs. Bootleg liked that one.
Coming Soon
I know, I know…I’ve been treatin’ y’all like I treated a few of my old girlfriends. Empty promises, broken hearts and lousy sex. August is officially catch-up month. Check the last couple of Bootlegs to find out what’s in store for ya. Ooh, and talk about lousy segue…I’m promising y’all new material this month and I’m also announcing that there’ll be no column next week. Why? Well…I can’t really say right now. But, please come back here on August 15. It could be the biggest announcement in the short history of 411Mania or the end of the world, as we know it. Now that’s a cliffhanger.
Oakland A’s Update: Jose Guillen? Well, he was a nice low-risk/low-rent acquisition and the A’s didn’t give up much to get him. I still think our heroes need another outfielder with pop. It’s the Yanks and A’s this weekend in the final part of their 2003 trilogy. Hudson, Zito n’ Mulder on the hill…sweet. Long, Byrnes and Ellis in the lineup…d’oh.
Sometimes, I need a virtual hug. Get at me on AOL or Yahoo IM: ajcameron13
