A Wrestling Tale 08.04.03: Huzzah


My Wrestling Tales are fiction, usually. Not this one. In two hours I turn 23, and realizing that it’s my birthday made me realize that I’ve been writing for the site for two years and there’s something I’d like to say to everyone that Junk News isn’t the place for.

On July 29th, 2001, my first column went up for 411mania. A week later, on August 4th, it was my birthday, and about that time I found out I’d be a full time writer for the site. I felt as though I’d been given a gift. I wasn’t going to get paid, I wasn’t going to get chicks, but I was going to be selectively famous. Fame is awesome, no matter how small the slice.

Two years later, and I have no complaints, just wonders and wishes. I wish I got along better with Ash, but Widro was the work horse when I joined up and Ash seemed a bit shady back then. Although it doesn’t keep me up nights, I do feel badly about getting into a ‘web feud’ with a fellow 411 writer which ended up with him getting kicked off the site. Brodie Hubbard recently IMed me and we ironed out our differences. While I’m glad to stand up for women’s rights, I’m not so sure calling up a posse on Stone Cold was the best way to handle his wife beating. Sometimes I wonder how many people on the posse list would have shown up. I wonder if I would have shown up.

I’ve made great online friends here. Hyatte, Flea, Widro, Daniels, the Biscuiti boys, Socko, Blade, Eric S, Keith, Dead Ron Gamble, Morse, Carlos, BFPisBuff, Dino, Ken Anderson, his ugly twin brother and many others who are going to hate me for forgetting them. I’m getting a good feeling about Haley. He seems like a smart guy.

The fans have been awesome. I want to list a couple of things you guys have done for me quickly.

1. You helped me play a prank on my friend. Some of you might remember when I said my friend named StonedBuz said he hated wrestling. He didn’t really. I just felt like f*cking with him. He was so angry and it was the funniest thing I think I’ve seen in my life.

2. You helped me restore someone’s faith in people. Something horrible happened to a friend, and I asked you to buy gifts for her to show her that people do random acts of kindness. I never told you what happened to her, but you came through for me big time. I won’t forget that.

3. You helped me start my career. I needed your help for my shows and you came through. I saw my performances done, and I realized exactly how great a writer I actually am. I realized how much I make people laugh. I am indebted to you for that. And then some of you came to my show! You’re helping me make my dream a reality.

4. You let me know I’m appreciated. Growing up as the middle child of 4 boys, I got overlooked a lot. I became self-deprecating and my own worst critic. So I would write a Junk News or a Tale and I would think it was crap and I would feel like quitting. You told me how much you loved my work. You told me you didn’t want me to go. That means so much to me I’m almost choking up thinking about it. I don’t cry at the drop of a hat or anything, but you’ve been there for me when I needed a pick me up. You’ve been there for me when I’ve been down. I’m not sure I had people in my life before July 29th, 2001, who I could go to with the expectation to be cheered up. I have friends, but self-deprecating assholes become friends with other self-deprecating assholes. They make me feel comfortable. You make me feel appreciated.

Two years of jokes, of fiction, of conversations with Daniels. Two years of bullshitting with Flea and Hyatte. Two years of receiving more fan mail than flame mail, two years of winning best columnist, two years of finding out that my readers are not just wrestling nerds but some of the finest people in the world. It’s amazing that sitting on my ass in front of a computer can bring about two of the happiest years of my life, but that’s what has happened.

I say this to the fans, the other writers on the site, even cranky old Ashish. Wrestling is fake. Wrestling is stupid fun. Wrestling is one of the least important things in the world. My writing for you about wrestling isn’t important to me. My writing for you is important to me. You are important to me. I love you guys, and no matter what happens in our lives, I won’t forget you if you don’t forget me. I hope you enjoy my writing, because I enjoy writing for you.

I guess when it comes down to it thank you.