The Government of the United States, which gives to bigotry no sanction, to persecution no assistance, requires only that they who live under its protection, should demean themselves as good citizens. – George Washington
Memo to Attorney General Bormann: Get it?
In Memoriam: Dr. Peter Safar, the man responsible for the development of CPR. So have someone bang on your chest and breathe into your mouth sometime today.
respectcopyrights.org? gof*ckyourself.net.
And speaking of that one, Fritz Hollings said he’s retiring after his term is up next year. Oh, gosharoonie, that really puts Michael Eisner in a bind. Which Senator will Disney be purchasing next? Stay tuned to find out!
Oh, God, is there nothing. I mean, nothing. Gee, Bret wants to make a comeback? Stop the f*cking presses! And that TNA blurb with the penny for a PPV thing? It was so disgustingly permeated with hyperbole that I now won’t spend even a goddamn penny on what they produce. Cable deal, bitches, then I start watching you. Not before. Whoever coined the term “dog days” (supposedly because Sirius was at its highest point in the sky or something like that, and since Sirius is the “dog star”, hence…) was absolutely right. Until we get something we can actually attach some importance to, all of these news columns are going to be dogs or some reasonable facsimile. And I don’t cut and paste newsboard clips, so I have no idea what I’m going to do for filler.
THE PIMP SECTION
Me. Hyatte. Gagnon. All at Fleabag’s. Gagnon does wrestling, Hyatte does advice, and I get to do whatever the f*ck I want (okay, it’s more stuff on file sharing and cartoons this week, but it’s what I want). You’ll enjoy our Little League of Extraordinary Gentlemen if you haven’t already.
Just remember, Williams should have his 50 Best column up today, so read it when it gets here. I can’t reveal certain things I’ve been made privy to, but let’s just say that Ross and Iain had some interesting moments in compiling this list.
Memo to Laflin: I miss Meigs Field too. And my most intense form of admiration is for Boss Daley Senior, not Junior. Just look at them as the political equivalent of the Griffeys: the son’s a better player, but the dad has World Series rings.
YOU’RE A MORON: GOODBYE AND GOOD RIDDANCE
There’s one guy who’s been a rather consistent thorn in my side over the past couple years. His name’s Michael Hale. He only shows up whenever I say anything bad about that Senile Old Fuck Wish He Was Dead Already Ronald Reagan. I remember him going through torturous “proofs” that it was Fuckwad who singlehandedly ended the Cold War, and many other defenses for the Indefensible. Whenever anything negative is said about him in this column, there’s Hale. Well, me saying that I hope Ronnie starts burning in Hell soon last week tipped him over the edge, and since he’s leaving, it’s time to give him the You’re A Moron he’s long deserved:
You are a fly attracting piece of shit.
Now there’s an opening that’s worthy of YAM attention. All of you low-class trolls, especially you cheap-labor Republicans, take note. This is how you do it. Compare me to excrement, and then add that wonderful little detail about attracting flies. Classic, truly classic.
Done reading your sorry ass soap box of a wrestling column.
You’ve said it before, Hale, and then you’ve come back. Hopefully, this time it’s for good.
I like your take on sports and wrestling but you just have something wrong with you.
Like being a good, partisan Democrat who wishes that the greatest curse the party ever experienced was worm food? Or like having a good understanding of politics and seeing Americans buffaloed into twelve years of artificial surface bullshit inspired to appeal to the stupid part of the population? And what’s wrong with wishing the figurehead of so much evil dead? We do that with Saddam all the time.
By the way, if you remember, it wasn’t a Democrat that called Reagan’s disastrous economic programs “voodoo economics”. It was George Bush.
Knowing how many chemicals you need in your body to make your mind half way work, do you think the majority of people give any creedence to any of your weak arguments?????
No one should give “creedence” to anything except for John Fogerty. It’s “credence”, idiot. And this is a legit bitch about spelling, because he’s trying to be high-falutin’ and failing miserably. As for the issue at hand, yes, people do give my views credence, because they know I have the chops to back it up if I should wish to get into that sort of thing, which I normally do. However, Reagan’s evil is so obvious that only the blind and/or retarded, both of which you qualify to be, ignore it.
You have been on the government nipple far, far too long assface.
Watch out of the black helicopters, freak.
Hold it, aren’t the Black Helicopters supposed to be a conservative delusion concerning the One World Conspiracy and the UN taking over all national governments? They aren’t after me, unless it’s to give me an award for public service.
Jesus, get the f*ck out of her, will you?
Oh, wait, there’s one news item. Not wrestling, of course…
GOD IS SENDING US A MESSAGE
Since the lightning strike on the Sears Tower apparently didn’t put the fear of Him back into Chicagoans, God decided he’d start with a smaller target with larger ramifications. On Monday, the main warehouse of Jim Beam in Louisville got bolted and burned to the ground. No injuries to humans, but the incalculable damage to young Kentucky bourbon…that’s something that can’t be replaced. My condolences to my fellow columnists here, many of whom find Jim Beam a very important writing tool. I’ll stick to pills myself; the quality control’s better.
And since that’s the only f*cking thing that I can think of to throw in here, let’s go to somewhere where quality control has been distinctly absent, Raw…
THE SHORT FORM
Match Results:
Buh Buh Ray Dudley over Rene Dupree (Pinfall, Buh Buh Bomb): Welcome to a glimpse of the upcoming Future Without Sylvain Grenier. I said about a month or so ago that Dupree is well on his way to becoming Rick Martel (a good thing in my mind, in case you were wondering). This match demonstrated what I was talking about. So kudos to him and here’s hoping he can ditch the dead weight ASAP. And anyone who makes a remark about how unique it was for a Frenchman to shed blood deserves a fist in the face, okay?
Randy Orton over Big Sump Pump (Pinfall, RKO): Jesus H. Fucking Christ, I hate getting interrupted when I’m trying to do this column. In this case, it’s my mother on the f*cking phone, telling me about some want ad a neighbor of hers saw in some local paper. So I looked up the f*cking want-ad on the Net, and, naturally, it’s really a secretary’s job that my mother (goddamn it, die already so I can get the SUV) misunderstood. So that was a waste. Until I saw the want-ad below it, for a job that I’m perfectly qualified for. No phone calls, though, and no e-mail addy, so I gotta snail mail my resume to them.
Look, it’s either write about this or write about a match in which Randy Orton, Major Up And Comer, is made to look like a piece of shit against Big Sump Pump. Why are they trying to protect Scott Fucking Steiner? Can someone please tell me that? Aw, screw it.
Christian over Novocaine Helms (Pinfall, rollup): Oh, my God. Please remind me again why they got rid of Jamal. So they could be able to put Rosey in that outfit? With the S.H.I.T-shirt?
Bill Goldberg over Ric Flair (DQ, Orton-ference): Just once, I’d like to see Flair throw tradition to the wind and Hook the
living f*ck out of Goldberg. And by Hook, I do mean in the Frank Gotch, crippling sense… – Slick Rick. Don’t be so harsh, Rick, please. Flair selling for Goldberg, well, we expected that. Flair will sell for anyone at any time. However, Goldberg selling for Flair? I was watching this match specifically to see if he would, and color me surprised that he did. He sold the knee very well (he didn’t sell the chops, but that we can give him a little leeway over). Even when it started to “wear off”, he was still selling it, but in a much more subtle fashion. He was doing things like not putting much weight on it, using his right leg as a fulcrum. I’m impressed by him. Maybe being in the ring with Flair was the catalyst for these actions. Oh, by the way, when Nash was “defending” Goldie, who else wanted Goldie to pull out a taser and zap Nash right in the ass?
Trish Stratus over Molly Holly, Women’s Title Match (DQ, Psycho-ference): Okay, so Gail Kim’s blowing spots left and right, enough so that they got the women’s title off of her. What would you do in that situation? Send her down to OVW, let her get a little more seasoning, then bring her back when she’s a little better? Of course you would. You and I are logical beings. WWE “creative”, though, have had logic be unable to locate them on long-range sensors. They turn her heel. WTF? And let’s talk about Victoria’s hair coloring. I swear to God, when I glanced up and looked, I thought it was Lita. Victoria’s hair should be jet black, period. No f*cking dye jobs or streaks for her, please.
Rob Van Dam over Chris Jericho (Pinfall, springboard moonsault): These guys just mesh so well together. Van Dam normally doesn’t play to someone else’s strength, but with Jericho, he has no problem with it. Jericho has no problem keeping up with Van Dam. And them using the springboard moonsault as a finish was, in my mind, very interesting booking. It shows that “creative” can actually do something right if they try. However, a “hair versus hair” match with Kevin Nash? How will Jericho look bald? I’ll just have to ditto a Slick Rick comment then: Sweet. The Crybaby Jericho. One of his BEST heel modes. Too bad this means he’s heading into a feud with Nash. Back when Nash had knees this would have been cool. Now it just means Mr Irvine has to carry Backup Domain Controller to a passable match…
Eric Bischoff over Shane McMahon, No Holds Barred Match (Pinfall, Kane tombstone): It would have been a lot more fun if they’d have given this a little time and taken it a little more seriously. Bravo to Shane, though, for yet again demonstrating his ability to take a sick bump. Tombstoned on the ring steps…nice. Good as a setup for the Shane/Kane SummerSlam match.
Angle Developments:
Here Comes The Money Match: Shane and Bischoff promoing against each other? Very sweet prospects indeed. I was actually hoping they were planning a match between the two, and a No Holds Barred match? Well, we all know that Shane’s good at the garbage stuff, and Bisch can be decent if he wishes. But why did it have to be set up by Austin? The moment he entered, my enthusiasm really went downhill. And isn’t it amazing that all Shane McMahon had to do to become Raw’s Number One Face was to simply walk out? He’s learned a lesson that Vince and Steph haven’t: if a McMahon’s camera appearances are special, they mean more, and they alienate the audience less. Please, let them take this lesson over to Smackdown.
Change The Main: Hmmm, Elimination Chamber…well, Jakks is releasing the Elimination Chamber Play With Dolls Set, so I can’t say that this wasn’t expected. However, it does produce an interesting dynamic. Kevin Nash can actually do something in an Elimination Chamber match. Trip, Michaels, and Jericho have experience in the one and only one contested so far. They won’t have to worry about Goldberg blowing up. And Orton can just about do anything. Not to mention the fact that you have some exquisite psychological games between Trip and Orton as per Evolution loyalty versus the world title. Good decision so far. Let’s see how they market it.
Geography Lesson: Moline, Illinois is NOT Illinois. It is, in fact, Iowa. Only Moline’s riverboat casino profits happen to go to the State of Illinois. I’ve been through Moline and East Moline; they’re shitholes. Dear God, it was actually a relief to cross over into Davenport. So Raw can go play with itself there next week; I don’t care.
Goddamn, this is short.
About Eric Szulczewski
