Hey, I sent this in on Thursday morning! So it wasn’t up at midnight! I’m entitled to sleep!
JUNK NEWS! HUZZAH!
I think I had a happy birthday, but the goat I woke up next to looked miserable.
In a Junk News exclusive, I can report that The Undertaker will be appearing as Jack (soldier) in Phantasm’s End. After a chokeslam and a Last Ride, the Phantasm is shuffled back to the midcard where it jobs to Billy Gunn in house shows.
Eddie Guerrero is slowly becoming the biggest draw on Smackdown, bringing in huge numbers of Latino households. Even if only 50 more Latino households tuned into Smackdown, that’s 1000 more viewers, so good for Eddie.
Edge released a new commentary. I have been shocked before by what Edge had to say. I have been appalled. This takes the cake. Lance Storm invited Edge over for dinner, and what did Edge have for dessert? “I’ve had Tina’s (Lance’s better half) cookies before, and they rock harder than AC/DC at SARS-stock in Toronto last week MMMMM!Ã¢â‚¬Â Edge didn’t stop with Lance’s wife. “It was a great evening, filled with Lance’s two daughters, Rebecca and Rachel, who are adorable.Ã¢â‚¬Â Edge, I have silenced my tongue for as long as I humanly possibly could. You sicken me! You disgust me! When is enough enough, Edge? When is enough enough? When Lance Storm’s daughters grow up wondering who the blonde woman was who made love to them? When you’ve sexually tortured Al Snow to death? When, you bastard! Damn you and your Lance Storm abuse! The man has issues with fame! LEAVE HIM ALONE!
Also, Edge had lunch with Bret Hart. After lunch, Edge said he was going to his car to ghet his wallet but instead drove away, leaving Bret with the bill. “I’ve been FUCKED,Ã¢â‚¬Â Bret Hart exclaimed. A waiter asked if he meant screwed, so Bret hit his five moves and then locked in some kind of Scorpion Deathlock.
Pretty much everyone on the RAW roster is broken.
Here are your new Summerslam matches! Rhyno vs. Benoit vs. Guerrero for the US Title! The Undertaker vs. A Train! Eric Bischoff vs. Shane McMahon! RVD vs. Kane! The Elimination Chamber Thing Match With Those Six Guys vs. each other. Nickels The Dog vs. Wayne Brady! Screech vs. Zach! Wolfman vs. Lucy In The Sky! Nudity vs. Clothing! Hulk Hogan vs. Hulk Hogan II! My Penis vs. The Samurai! What a card!
Motorhead commented on the Evolution theme music. “Please please help us. He locked us in his basement. He only gives us water once a week. So weak. He makes us sing wrestling theme songs and slaps us in the face with his meat. Send help. Send Ã¢â‚¬Â That was it. I got the crudely written note three weeks ago. Kinda funny in a way.
The Phantasmtaker was supposed to lose to John Cena at the PPV, but McMahon pussied out. What a f*cking woman. Hey Vince, grow a sack! Yeah, push idiot A-Train again instead of Cena and watch the revenue rise unto eternity. Man, wrestling would be so much better if I was in charge.
Nothing happened on TNA. Nothing.
Diamond Dallas Page will be the special guest on Byte This today. Page will talk about how he’d be a five time Raw champion if he had just waited for Bischoff to come back, then he’ll yell bang or something.
If you look at the Raw rating very carefully, you realize that Raw’s headed back to 2.whatever’s come Monday Night Football time. Eric S. for one couldn’t be happier. (By the way, Eric, send me the game. Send me the game and the virgin is yours.)
I swear to God, I’ve been killing myself over this game. I’ve spent money to join Usenet that I don’t know how to use. I’ve spent hours getting kicked out of IRC chat rooms where I can’t download from and they don’t know why and I don’t know why. I have been to German site after German site, up and down this entire ugly Internet and for what? So I can wind up with a bunch of rar files that I downloaded that I now can’t even find because I don’t know where they downloaded to! I’m lying here in a crumpled ball, Eric. Please help me. Please.
Speaking of lying in a crumpled ball, the Miss Elizabeth autopsy report is now online! Man, I’m the king of transitions.
Goldberg will be appearing at Sturgis this weekend for the motorcycle rally, because if there’s one thing that bikers love, it’s Jews!
Rock was available to be on Raw Monday but the WWE had no use for him. Come on! Booker T is almost over again! Doesn’t the Rock know this? Doesn’t the Rock know that it’s time to bury him again?
Let’s ruin Smackdown.
ECW rules the day (at least the beginning of the show) when a one on one encounter between Benoit and Guerrero, the two men who did battle so roughly and toughly only a few weeks ago for the coveted US Title, becomes a two on two encounter when they are joined by Tajiri and Rhyno! Who will win this all foreigner battle in which the evil Canadian and Mexican try to destroy the good Japanese and Canadian? Tune in to Smackdown to discover the truth!
Next, Matt Hardy and Shannon Moore come out! What are they doing there? Do they have some kind of announcement? What do they have to say to the world when they don’t have a scheduled match? Does it have something to do with the Nunzio/Zach Gowen match? Is Matt Hardy, Version 1 for those confused, planning something special for the one legged grappler? Deadly special? Tune in to Smackdown to discover the grizzly truth!
Backstage, the Phantasmtaker yells at Vince and Sable about using the A-Train to hurt Stephanie. Does the is the can the . FUCK THIS SHIT! THE FUCKING UNDERTAKER TRY TO EVILLY MARRY THAT SHRILL VOICED BITCH WITH THE HELP OF VINCE AS SOME KIND OF HIGHER POWER! THE UNDERTAKING KIDNAPPED HER, STRIPPED HER NAKED AND SET HER TEDDY BEAR ON FIRE OR SOMETHING! PAUL BEARER ALMOST CONDUCTED THE WEDDING CEREMONY! NOW HE CARES ABOUT A LITTLE MATCH RUN IN FROM ALBERT? BULLSHIT! PEOPLE DON’T CHANGE THAT MUCH! THIS IS ALL SHIT! ALL OF IT! GOD! ARGH! WHY? WHY DO I LIKE THIS SHIT? WHY! Tune in to Smackdown to discover the frightening truth!
Is Brock Lesnar okay? Yes, but he fakes an injury to fool Kurt Angle.
What happens when John Cena takes on the Phantasmtaker? Do we get the result we all expected to see at the PPV? Did you expect PT to be hit by some kind of “locomotiveÃ¢â‚¬Â at the PPV? If so, you should be pleasantly surprised. Tune in to Smackdown to discover the now apparent truth.
Are you interested in seeing the 4N-wayers (Noble-Nidia-Nunn-Norrie) join forces to fight the Bashems? Yes you are. No, you are. Stop shaking your head at me, you’ve been looking forward to this! You are! Shut up! Shut up! SHUP UP! TUSH PU! Hey! Shut up=Push UT! Since Vince is dyslexic, whenever we tell him to shut up he pushes the Phantasmtaker! Now I get it!
Haas faces and destroys and makes awful love to Rey Misterio Jr.
The main event leaves more questions than it answers. Finally a compelling angle on a wrestling show, I would be amiss to give it away but basically Brock turns evil and kills Kurt like I predicted last week. I must be genius or something. I so smart. No one smarter Grutman. Blah blah blah. Junk News Huzzah! That’s it! It’s new segment time!
411 Employee of the Month
After having only caused the site to crash 5 times, Tom Daniels is the 411 employee of the month! Congrats Tom!
I’d like to close out the column with some birthday wishes for the new year. Some people are selfish and make wishes only for themselves. I’d like to share mine with the world.
I wish happiness for every 411 reader and writer.
I wish Widro’s herpes don’t flare up again.
I wish Ashish would have more of a sense of humor about me humping his cat.
I wish Hyatte would get down from his pedestal and finally admit that I am superior to him in every way.
I wish Eric S meets a nice girl. She’s bipolar like him at the same time, likes the same foods as him, loves to steal music and movies and games BUT SHE’S A REPUBLICAN!
I wish for Tom Daniels to get back together with his ex-girlfriend after I stop f*cking her. I also wish Daniels could maintain the site for more than two hours at a time.
I wish John B. Haley’s popularity grows. Not too big that he becomes a challenge to me, but big enough that he’s viewed as a oh my God. Some writers said the same thing about me when I was coming up. Don’t I see what I’ve become? YES! I’M AT THE LEVEL WHERE I CAN BE A PARANOID ASSHOLE! FUCK HALEY! FUCK HIS ASS! Oh, so I wish Haley success but not so much that he becomes a real threat to me.
I wish Raywat Deonondan would come back or at least trade names with me.
I wish Claire Flynn Boyle would stop pooping around and fly to America and get on my cock. Claire, you are wasting your life not being on my cock.
I wish Ben Morse finds his center and ends his mythical quest.
I wish that PK discovers that toys suck and finds a new hobby in porn.
I wish Flea finally learns that it’s okay to get drunk or high once in a while and resolves to let himself go a little nuts every now and then.
I wish that Scott Keith goes on Atkins, gets a haircut, starts going to the gym, then takes a couple of pictures of the new him and posts them online. He’ll still probably be UAS, but what can you do?
I wish Ken and Jay meet The Olsens and find true love with the monkey looking hoes.
I wish Dave Gagnon finally discovers the secret to time travel so he can go back to the past and be funny again. (Kidding Dave! You rock!)
For myself, I wish a gold monument be constructed of me and worshipped. It’s the little things in life that matter, you know?
Finally, for my fans, I wish that they get ready for the real awesome to return to this column next week. It’ll be a big one. Have a great weekend!