Junk News, Huzzah! 08.14.03


Before I begin, I promised a special column this week, and I have delivered! It’s just not here.

Flea. Not only is he an incredible writer with incredible insight, he is hands down the coolest person that I’ve met doing this net thing. Funny, laid back yet caring about his craft, Flea created a website to allow great writers he knows to show their stuff.

You want an all-star line up? Dave Gagnon. Eric S. Chris Hyatte. These are three of the greatest writers on the Internet. They are not just three of the greatest Internet Wrestling writers. They are three of the greatest writers on the Internet.

Dave Gagnon covers wrestling in his column. If you like Junk News and I assume you do because you’re here, you’d do well to check out the originator of the style.

Eric S’ weekly column covers whatever is on his mind from file sharing to politics, and I honestly have yet to see a finer mind on the net.

Flea covers everything from the top 100 wrestling writers to wrestling news to music news to the California election mess. You want an informed, twisted view point? Check out Fleabag.

Chris Hyatte pens an advice column. You remember the whole Love Doctor experiment I tried? It was crap compared to Hyatte’s words of wisdom. I have read pretty much everything Hyatte has published on the net, from comedy to short stories to the most recent advice column, and his success with various styles shows that there is possibly no better writer on the net than Hyatte.

Possibly. There is now another writer at www.1ryderfakin.com. It’s me. Once a week, I’m going to pick a song at random, listen to it, and then write a short play. The play won’t be about the song, it will be INSPIRED BY the song. The first one went up yesterday. You guys gotta check it out and send me feedback and praise Flea for the site. There’s something there for everyone. Go as soon as your done with the

Junk News! Huzzah!

Bret Hart recently posted a commentary in which he reminisced about being on the road. The man is coming back to the WWE in some way. It’s in his blood, just like the bone fragments from his skull.

Bull Buchanan upset TNA management when he asked for pay after a dark match. I’m surprised management was upset, as I’ve been told they laughed for the next 4 hours after Buchanan made his request.

Kid Kash would be a prime candidate for employment in WWE if not for his reputation as a locker room troublemaker. Kid Kash said, “Please. Other Than Holly, Everyone Admires Da’kid.”

TNA is keeping Goldylocks off of shows to control her ego. For everyone in TNA: If you work at TNA, you don’t deserve to have an ego.

Triple H is still the most hated man in wrestling according to the 411 poll. Upon hearing this, HHH retired from wrestling.

Mick Foley was on Late Night with Conan O’Brien last night, obviously there to promote his new book. Unless he finds Conan O’Brien sexy and wanted to make gay monkey love with him. I have all of my sources on this, which is no one.

Chris Jericho is going to be on the Tom Green show tonight to promote his um, well, I guess Fozzy and the WWE. Also, he’ll say that he’s a main event player who can win the title at any time or something of the sort. He likes that line of reasoning.

Kanyon wrestled at the Smackdown tapings as Mortis. In other shocking news, Kanyon wrestled at the Smackdown tapings.

Joanie Laurer is afraid for her life and has gone into hiding to get away from X-Pac. X-Pac routinely beat her and COME ON! I’m sorry, but come on. I know he’s a guy and she’s a girl, and I am against any man laying his hands on a woman, but Joanie was a professional wrestler. More than that, she has made so many friends backstage that I’m sure if she made a call a bunch of wrestler would find Waltman and make him pay dearly. Joanie, get the hell out of hiding and go get the piece of shit.

Joanie Laurer is in hiding. Most of the world did not notice.

Raw did a 3.9 rating, down from the 4.0 it got last week. Eric S has declared this the beginning of the end for the WWE.

You can say Eric S is a jerk, but I’ve found that when you need a favor, he’s the guy to go to. So to everyone reading who hates Eric S, send him an e-mail and ask him for a favor.

The WWE stock has plummeted while Vince has raised his salary. Read about this and more in this week’s issue of “Things I Could Give Two Shits About.”

The WWE book division turned down Bob Backlund and Bobby the Brain Heenan recently. However, “Albert: Portrait of a Ring General” will be on shelves in time for Christmas.

Jeff Hardy is said to be cleaning up his image to return to the WWE by doing a lot more drugs.

Hogan lost his 2000 defamation suit to Vince Russo. Why does Russo always book wrestlers to job to him?

Time to completely ruin Smackdown for myself and others.

Vince begins by introducing the REAL Brock Lesnar, who oddly enough is Glen Jacobs in a blond wig. HAHAHA! Three people get that joke. 1 found it funny. Ah, more than three people get it, but only 1 found it funny. Probably a lot of people get it. I don’t care.

After Stephanie decided to interject her opinion in the interview, Vince declared that Stephanie would face Albert in a battle to the death! Stephanie, showing no fear, promised to make Albert pay for attacking her in her match with Sable.

Team Lenny and Carl fight Team Lenny and Carlos in what is being called another excellent match for the two interracial teams.

Billy Gunn fights one of the Bashams and then another Basham runs in and then Noble runs in and then Shanaquia runs in and then Kevin Nash sloooooooowly strolls to the ring.

The APA consider reopening their office and make jokes about the Bashams. “The Basham Brothers?” says Bradshaw. “More like the Super Mario Brothers!” “Yeah,” replies Farooq. “Who do they think they are trying to beat, King Koopa?” “Ha,” laughs Bradshaw. “You always make me laugh, Farooq.” “Well,” replies Farooq, “I wouldn’t have been able to make that joke if you hadn’t set me up with the Super Mario Brothers comment.” “We’re a great team,” Bradshaw states. “You’re my best friend,” Farooq adds. And then they hug.

The Phantasmtaker fights Big Show in 10 minutes of life none of us will ever get back.

After the match, The Phantasmtaker gets his ribs worked on. WHERE IS THE POWER OF THE URN WHEN YOU NEED IT?

Eddie comes down in his low rider for an interview, but before his can fully explain the economic ramifications of the new provisions made to NATO in light of terrorist attacks, Benoit comes out and makes jokes about Eddie’s car.

Tajiri not only fights Rhyno, but FUCKING BEATS HIM CLEAN! Sorry, but may I just say HELL YEAH? Hell yeah.

John Cena fights Zach Gowen to set up Matt Hardy vs. Zach Gowen at Summerslam. Umm, this is still good for John Cena. See, last week he helped set up Phantasmtaker vs. Albert, and this week he’s helping set up Gowen vs. Matt. Every good baseball team needs a set up man, so Cena is set should the WWE ever start playing baseball instead of wrestling.

Spanky’s sauce winds up all over Vince McMahon. Now we know how some people get their jobs.

Spanky fights Brock Lesnar and winds up in a pool of his own blood. You know, if you’re named Spanky and you wind up in your own blood, it’s time to call an urologist. Thank you, I’ll be here all week!

Stephanie McMahon fights Albert in the main event. I know, I’m setting my VCR also.

Junk News! Huzzah!

Well, I don’t know it any of you remember me, but I’m back. I was on vacation with my parents in Ontario. I did not enjoy taking off time for training to go spend three weeks with my parents, but hey, it’s life.
I guess I should update everyone on my health, since last time I wrote, I mentioned that there was a good chance I had cancer.
First, the lump. The doctor is sure that it is not cancer, but if I don’t get it taken out, there is a very high chance that it might cause cancer. I will have to go through a huge fear of mine, and have surgery. Or else, I will have my biggest fear, cancer…
I have also received news that I have tonsillitis. My throat has been bugging me for about 4 weeks now, so I’ve been eating soup all this time. Got pills to help with that shit.
I have mono, and a bad case of it. I also have college starting in 2 weeks, which I might have to drop out of because of this.
I have something wrong with my stomach, and the doctor can’t figure out what it is. I have been throwing up almost everyday now, so we have to figure out what is wrong with me there.
So that is what is going on here. I start college (radio broadcasting) in one week, so I will see how everything turns out. Hopefully I will be able to get through the year.
For those that care, or enough noticed that Blading was gone for a bit, I’m back, I got two matches in two weeks, and I’ll have more about that next week. Thanks for reading.
And if you can, head over to the 411 forums, and read the No Spin Zone, written by my good friend Socko, it’s in his last week next week. Please check it out.
Email Blade at bladehwc@yahoo.ca
And go to www.1ryderfakin.com. Later.