Flair, Hogan, Savage, Austin, HHH, HBK, Sammartino, Andre, Scaia doing gay porn, I just had an accident in my pants.
I lied, none of those names in the teaser are in this report.
I am very, very drunk. But it’s a lucid kind of buzz… I’m just oh whatthephuck do YOU care…
Read the newsboard for the news… I must go puke and sleep… hopefully these acts will be done seperately and far, far away from each other.
Bob Ryder told me that Vince Russo was not the person who wrote that anonymous rant against MECW for Scherer last week. He did NOT, however, correct me on anything else I said yesterday. I am starting to think the relationship between Bob & Dave is more business than friendly… but that’s just me.
I will be getting laid this weekend… hooray for me. His name is Glen and he’s in the food service industry. He has a great ass.
Someone wrote to me and told me a story about how Buff Bagwell brought a “rat” on a road tour with him… well, after the tour, nine months after the tour, Buff was there to watch his rat pop out a healthy baby…
Oh, and the baby was black.
Moral of the story, NEVER bring your rats out on the road with you.
Theres ya goddam news…
I’m going to do that puke/sleep thing now. Oh christ… oh F**k
icckkk.. fu**in sonafa… amend that last statement… now I’m gonna go do that cleanup/sleep thing… DAMMIT… wait, I don’t remember eating hotdogs tonight?
thiis hy7
The Midnight News 8.17.01
• * * * *
•
OH HYATTE! Can you believe that two years ago you actually were dedicated and took pride in your work? Now, almost to the DAY well, here I am.
Hi Everybody, I’m FLEA and will be filling in for Chris Hyatte for who knows how long – I gave up trying to attach a time frame to Hi-8-tus about three “fill-in’s†ago. But never fear, this one will not be “monthsâ€Â, but more like “a couple columnsâ€Â. Meanwhile, I’m POSITIVE Hyatte will continue to provide my site (www.1ryderfakin.com) with original material, namely a “Hyatte’s Guide to Life†each and every week. Right? Per agreement, Pocacuntus.
I’ll get back to crowing all about 1ryderfakin.com later in this report, I’m sure. But for now I’ll take the wheel of the gnarliest spot in the IWC. Monday’s at 411.
Right?
FIRST OFF
Yes, I saw and read all about the Chyna story of X-Pac’s drunk and cruel exploits and yes, I read X-Pac’s rambling, yet touching attempt at either clearing his name or making himself look like a bigger chump than most of us think (didn’t anyone at Kinko’s notice when the dude’s bogarting the computer for FIVE hours?) and YES! YES! YES! It’s absolutely none of our business. GRUT.
Speaking of GRUT, I asked him to do this “fill in for Hyatte thingâ€Â
Grut Says:
Flea got the coveted Monday Slot while Hyatte is away. I remember when I first came to 411 and was asked to fill in for Hyatte. I considered it a compliment. It was like Jay Leno filling in for Carson. I was not asked to fill in for Hyatte this time, and I searched for a reason as to why when it suddenly hit me: I’m the shit.
I don’t fill in for Flea and Hyatte, Flea and Hyatte fill in for ME. Sure, Flea still ranks me below Hyatte on the IWC 100 or something, but the truth of the matter is that without me, there would not be a 411mania.com. Without me, Daniels would still be the nondescript Saturday recapper. Without me, Flea’s Excess reports would have been boring drivel. Without me, Eric S would be… well, Eric would do just fine without me. But everyone else would be dead and buried.
Widro and Ash. Where would they be without Junk News? Homeless and alone. Morse? Homeless and alone? The Torch Lounge? Homeless and alone.
I guess when push comes to shove, my shiznit is the illest.
That right there is the problem with the young kids today. The English language has been twisted by (we know who to blame) and is nearly unrecognizable. Hell, even the local WHITER THAN ANARTICA SportsCaster talks about Bret Farve “feeling it like it wuz day old breadâ€Â. Fangol. Would it be too much to ask that people that talk to me and, especially, people that WRITE to me show a little respect to conjugation, slang and spelling? “Talk to the HAND, cause the FACE ain’t listening†yeah, and the hand is busy JERKING ME OFF! Punks. Have a little dignity.
In a much more interesting story, it appears that Low-Ki legit knocked some dude cold at the CT Ring of Honor show Saturday Night. From all live accounts, Ki was wrestling in the main even against Danny Maff, who I have never heard of, but if the buzz around this is any indication, this may have been his ticket to stardom. Low-Ki, you probably have heard of – if not, think the local neighborhood midget with a voice like James Earl Jones. About six minutes into their match, Ki went for “a kick to the back of the head†and WAM! Maff is seeing stars, out cold. When I first read this, I thought “well it has been more than seven years since HBK pulled the “out cold from a kick to the back of the head work/shoot†and using Cornette’s “seven year gimmick recycle†logic, it made sense that this angle would help set up additional angles, etc. But apparently, I was incorrect in my rush to judgement – later reports said “the dude was knocked silly, legitâ€Â. This match was on the heels of a bloody barbed wire affair between Homicide and Steve Corino, a type of match I thought was NOT GOING TO HAPPEN in ROH. I haven’t been following the promotion – have they abandoned the “Honor†portion of it and gone back on their pledge that this would not be another blood and guts ECW promotion? I guess I’ll check it out I have no problem with barbed wire and blood, but oh nevermind, it’s just going to get into the same “If more people cared about the Indy scene Vince’s idea of wrestling would not be blah blah blah INNOVATION! EXCITEMENT! THIS AIN’T YER DADDY’S RASSLIN PROGRAM! Shut up already. If it’s so f*cking great then why are these promotions “honored†in the breach, when paid attendance is only a couple hundred. ECW, had (and the list grows daily) MILLIONS of “Hardcore Fans†but couldn’t draw more than a few thousand. Ratings on TNN (hey! ECW is on national TV! Why isn’t everyone watching?) were on par with 2nd rate WWE programming. For as lousy as YOU think WWE is, they have performed consistently, albeit lower than the “wrestling boom†period as far as ratings / attendance. I’m sure every one of you have your own theory on why this is, but I go back to my own Frank Zappa theory – everyone says it’s so great, and it’s really really cool to say “ROH / ECW / MLW / Zappa†is better than WWE / all “commercial musiciansâ€Â, but do you know anyone who actually “buying†the product? Do you? Or is it better to just “say†you love it, versus driving 50 miles to support the product? Much less spend a dime on Indy tapes when the Ric Flair DVD will soon be available.
Speaking of Low-Ki
PLEASE THINK ABOUT THESE CONFRONTATIONS. NEXT TO ERIK WATTS, YOUR WORLD CHAMPION LOOKS LIKE A SOPHOMORE IN HIGH SCHOOL ON THE SWIMMING TEAM. PRO WRESTLING IS ALL ABOUT ILLUSION AND YOU CREATE THE ILLUSION TO TELL THE STORY YOU WANT. UNLESS THE STORY YOU WANT TO TELL IS THAT THE WORLD TITLE IS A JOKE, THIS DEVALUED THE BELT WHICH IS THE MAIN EVENT PROGRAM.
– Dave Meltzer, NWA TNA Report, doing his best “web guy impression†– see the caps?
What Da Meltz is yelling about is the NWATNA World Championship match between AJ Styles and Low-Ki this past Wednesday. And he has a very valid point – which is why most of the “smark darling†midgets have no chance to ever be the “Top Dogs†in WWE. Yes, it is a great match, and I am a HUGE fan of AJ Styles, as he my favorite type of wrestler – cocky, brash and tremendously talented in the ring. But Meltzer is right – it’s tough to suspend disbelief when the three ugly Product of Incest kids in the front row are bigger than your Champion and his opponent. It is claimed that Vince McMahon always said he “would never push someone that looks like†[Vince] “could kick their assâ€Â. So to answer your question, Rey and Ultimo would never be “pushed to the top†whereas Albert and Test will. And that’s just the way it is. Thankfully, guys like Styles have NWATNA and the Indys to fall back on – which ties in with the “Frank Zappa†theory above – if you like these guys go out and support them – it does no one any good to write an Internet column about it, espousing how YOU would book the WWE and how it should be patterned after ROH, etc when YOU won’t drop a dime in support. Talk is cheap.
Back to me so I asked Dave Gagnon to fill in this Hi-8 spot and here’s his response:
GAGNON:
So the word comes out that Chris Hyatte is moving (or something of that effect) and we are now here wondering who should replace him. The answer is as obvious as an outcome of a Triple H world title defense: it should be me.
I should fill in for Hyatte because, quite frankly, we’re a lot alike. No, really. I may not have his readership or be as funny as him but we’re a lot alike. You don’t believe me? Look at these cold hard facts:
1- Let’s face it, the man who took more vacations than him is ME. I got fired a dozen of times, I quit even more times than that and dissapeared on a thousand of occasions.
2- Like him, I have jerked off to Chasey Lain a million times. She’s a goddess. According to Hyatte, she now looks like she’s a hundred years old and is thinner than Kate Moss. Now that’s a shame.
3- He gained fame by writing for 411, Scoops and RyderFakin.Com . The only other man who gained fame on all of these websites? Yeah, you guessed it, that’s me, baby!
4- Find someone, ANYONE, else than him and I in the IWC that finds Kevin Nash funny. Really. I give you 15 minutes……………………..So? Have you found anyone? Yeah, that’s what I thought.
5- We both have unhealthy obsessions about pouring maple syrup on strippers while getting drunk on canadian whisky. What? That’s just me? Whatever!
If that wasn’t enough, I am pretty sure that The Great Hyatte himself would be delighted to see me fill in for him. Why? I am glad you asked my friend. There are many reasons actually…
1- If I fill in for Hyatte, he will be able to brag about how he once again gave me the chance of a lifetime to become a star of the IWC. Hey, he did it twice, third time’s the charm, right?
2- Once I’ll be back, his “Dave Gagnon is an alcoholic” jokes will once again be relevant.
3- I am overweight. I am canadian. But I’m not Scooter.
4- He knows that I want to restore my credibility after such a long absence. And also because I wrote columns on SlashWrestling.com (note to self: must ….wash off…..that stench of failure).
And, as if it wasn’t enough, three good reasons why I am the perfect fit to replace Hyatte.
1- Who’s funnier than me? Grut? Are you kidding? I was writing parodies before he learned how to piss in the bowl . Flea? Yeah, maybe if he starts talking about Timberlake again!
2- It would be such a honor for me. It would be like replacing Gretzky in the Edmonton Oilers. Or filling in for Joe Montana at the Super Bowl. Or replacing Billy Kidman (if you catch my drift).
And the final (and most important) reason: I need this bad.
This is f*cking Gagnon.
Maybe he is on to something
HAVE YOU HEARD?
Rob Van Dam has been quite the talker lately. He’s out on the promotional tour pimping his Comic Book store while managing to mouth off about how unhappy he is, how he is getting buried and how he just needs a chance to prove himself check this out:
Rob said that he’s not sure if the WWE will ever give him a chance to show that he can produce money for them. He said that if the younger talent move up into positions of power then he believes it can happen but if things remain as they are then he will probably not get the chance. He feels that the people who criticize him for his mic skills and laid back attitude are not the ones who enjoy what he does and pop for his performances and bring their signs to events because they don’t get his character and what he’s about. Those who do know what he’s about often voice their disgust about not seeing him involved in a bigger part of the show and it’s really a matter of which side is in a position of power that will determine whether or not he gets to be a bigger player for the company or not. He finished his comments by saying that it seems like every other wrestler does a promo today where they are screaming about how they’re going to destroy somebody (does this part in full character, definetly a must hear) and unless those who disagree with what his value is change their minds or unless they are outruled by those who like what he’s all about, then he’s not sure if he’ll ever get the chance to show he can deliver and be the box office attraction the company wants him to be.
– RVD, in a recent interview, showing his ass
Who ever said RVD was supposed to be a “box office attraction?†And last I checked, he has been in Multiple Main Events, both TV and PPV, since his debut in WWE. What was the common thread in each of these high profile appearances? He ends up legitimately hurting his fellow wrestler!! Actually, it’s not any different than what Low-Ki just did, but, with all due respect, Danny Maff is NOT Austin, HHH or Angle. RVD always claims he can give as good as he can take it, which seems to relieve his guilty conscience, but does not override the general theme of wrestling / sports entertainment:
“It’s supposed to look like it hurts, but doesn’t.â€Â
Which brings up the whole “selling†issue – RVD = F on that topic. And it’s been nice to see 3 minute RVD matches because it keeps me from throwing something at the TV when he gets his leg murdered for 10 minutes and then POPS UP with a Rolling Thunder and then the Frog Splash. * Sometimes * he will briefly shake the injured leg, as if perversely paying homage to Steamboat, but it’s quickly forgotten by the time the next spot rolls around – maybe you like that crap, but to me, it looks ridiculous.
He said he’s always heard wrestlers complain about politics everywhere he’s been and he’s learned during his time in the business to just worry about himself and not get too worked up over things because you can’t change everything
Which is why every time he gets near a microphone he makes sly allegations / to the point accusations about being “buried†see this next one (which was the buildup for the prior statement):
When asked about his relationship with the writing team he said that a couple of weeks ago he was walking by the catering hall and saw the creative team in there having a meeting and he said he stuck his head in for only 2 seconds and during that time he was still buried by 2 feet of dirt because they were trying to bury him as fast as they could.
Translated, yes, they are trying to bury me, no I do not care and I will continue to tell you how much I do not care each and every time you ask.
You know who he is starting to remind me of? Shane Douglas. Making a career out of bitching, moaning and burning bridges while all the time wondering why the world is passing him by.
Quick Note: An opening is available for “Prince of Darkness†seeing as OZZY finally pissed on whatever legacy of evil he had left – “Take Me Out to The Ballgame†warbled OZZY, bringing a tear to my eye. THIS is why people like OZZY should die young what a drag it is getting old.
Final note on RVD – when the contract comes up leave, dude. And again, this ties into the theme “putting your money where your mouth isâ€Â. Cactus had the guts to do that (I’m talking leaving WCW and hitting the Indy trail) and it rejuvenated his career / cemented his legend and eventually made him a very wealthy man. But he’s still kinda bitter too. Maybe there is no answer to happiness in the wrestling business – maybe that’s why many of them die so young.
ANOTHER WEEK OF THIS CRAP
The final sprint / stumble towards SummerSlam begins tonight, featuring a “Hair vs. Hair†match between Some Other Guy and Kevin Nash. As Hyatte bitched last week, according to Scherer it’s a foregone conclusion as Nash supposedly has a movie role oh who gives a shit. Ain’t there enough Baldilocks in the wrestling business? Test fights Steiner in the latest saga of “Who gets Stacyâ€Â. Expect the Bishoff / Kane / Shane feud to get around to confirming which match will make it to SS (and if RVD will get screwed out of another PPV) also, why was everyone so hot and bothered about JR returning when all he does is YELL! jesus, I can understand Don West YELLING as that is all he knows, but JR should be able to contain himself. As a matter of fact, I think I’ll start using the Don West scale to rate JR’s performance – 1.0 West is the full monty, JR pulled about a .8 last week! Can he top himself pimping a PPV? Tune in to find out.
Don’t read the Smackdown spoilers this week. It’s more fun that way! (p.s. – Zack and Matt Hardy are ON for the SS PPV, but that’s not a spoiler it was announced on Velocity!
THE LINKS ARE ON ME
Yes, that is, hands down, a better lead than BUT, PLUGS.
Go to www.1ryderfakin.com! – later this week, GRUT has two new plays! Right Now Eric has new stuff! Original material from Hyatte! And a Ricky Steamboat Shoot Interview recap, just so someone can complain “just another wrestling siteâ€Â.
Check out www. scotsmanality.com – you all know how I feel about everyone trying to be funny, but Jay Bower / Ken Anderson’s “takeover†of Scots site was fabulous – Scots is back now, but all is archived. Definitely a must see.
PAGE SIX
That’s all for me today. I guess I will be back next week – this week caught me by surprise as Hyatte was * supposed * to do this column and then take a break. Instead, it was a “last minute take a break and I’ll let you know when I’m back†type of thing. I still tried to get off the hook, calling in my last favor to someone who I KNOW would be more than willing to help
ERIC S.
Memo to Fleabag:
You want me to do WHAT?You know, I keep getting charged, unfairly, with being a “Hyatte
ripoff”. I thought that I’d put those things down once and for all, but now you want me to open up this particular Pandora’s Box. I don’t see Angelina Jolie around anywhere to find the damn thing, Fleabag, so it ain’t gonna be opened. “Can you fill in Monday?” Yeah, that’ll be great for everyone. They walk into work on Monday, expecting the Midnight News to cheer up The Most Miserable Day Of The Week, and they get a premature dose of Me. You should know the routine by now: to 411 readers, Hyatte is the KY Jelly, I’m the enema hose. Do you really want a hundred thousand plus readers to experience getting dry rubber hoses stuck up their asses? The IWC won’t be able to sit for four days.Please, don’t give me the guilt trip. Yeah, I know, you covered for me when I was on hiatus. But there’s a bit of a difference. I gave WidShish as much warning as I had (two weeks). I had a firm date on when I’d be back. And I sure as hell don’t take off whenever I feel like it. Just because I’m the person who fulfills his obligations over at the Top Of The Section all the time doesn’t mean I’m everybody’s Bitch.
Let’s be realistic: I’m the only guy who does two of those a week. It’s enough of a problem getting good material for one, much less two.And notice how I keep shit current? Everyone else’s column reads like a This Week In Wrestling. My stuff at least deals with Up-To-Date News. There’s enough pressure from myself on myself to deliver what I can given those particular proscriptions. Now, I may be out of work right now, but there’s still a limited amount of time. I’ve got the two news columns to get out, I’ve got to find something to inspire me for the 1ryderfakin column (oh, yeah, who’s the ungrateful bitch now, Mister Please, Please Come And Do Originals For My Site?), and there may be a third column for 411 next week to boot (ask Pankonin about that). The only reason that Scaia ever did four columns over at the Whine was that he was getting paid to do four columns a week, and getting paid very well considering the shit he was dribbling out. For some reason, all the checks from WidShish and you seem to get lost in the mail. It definitely cuts down on the motivation.
I’ll make you a deal: send me an offer letter and I’ll do the column;
I can pick up and move to Tampa at a moment’s notice. Getting me employed isn’t too much to ask to get me to crank out another column. You owe me that much just for your drunk ass waking me up on New Years’ Eve when I was zonked on Klonopin.
And as for your “excuse” as to why you can’t do it…look, I don’t care that your pal just got out of the joint. I don’t care that he’s the only one you know who can get Rohypnol. And I really didn’t care to know that it’s the only way Desi will blow you. Now I have to live with that mental image. Thanks a whole f*cking bunch.
EJS
Thanks for reading the Monday Edition, I’m FLEA
