Welcome back to The Bootleg. I’m a lot like those tired sitcoms that think introducing a baby to the cast will draw bigger ratings. We’re probably somewhere between Mad About You and Friends on the desperation factor and two or three notches below the introduction of “Sam” on Diff’rent Strokes or “Seven” on Married…With Children.
Hey, I discovered something new last week: Apparently, every stereotype about pregnant women (i.e. cravings, mood swings, fatigue and morning sickness) is not only true, but it kicks in less than two months after the deed is done. Mrs. Bootleg stayed home from work earlier this week because she wasn’t feelin’ well. I called to check up on her, when I was informed that she had polished off a tasty lunch of spinach ravioli with a chaser bag of guacamole Lay’s Potato Chips.
Don’t try’n tell me that I didn’t deserve last weekend’s trip to the Bay Area. The wife is only 4’8″, but at this rate she’s gonna start lookin’ like a puffier Gary Coleman in no time. Y’all know the routine…it’ll be your standard newsbits mixed in with a report of another exciting trip to Oakland and San Francisco.
We The Goodness…we don’t die, we multiply.
You Can’t Spell Trust Without ‘Us’
M’man Ashish broke the news on 411…Snoop Dogg and The D.P.G. have joined forces with 50 Cent and his G-Unit crew to form the greatest and most powerful faction since the Corporate Ministry. Only one problem…It’ll never happen. Unfounded stories like this break all the time in rap music. Does the N.W.A. reunion album ring a bell? Perhaps some of y’all are still waitin’ for that One Nation album or Cube n’ Dre’s Helter Skelter? Personally, I’m stunned that cats who dabble in weed, Alizé and monthly assault charges would fib about future album plans.
I flew up to Oakland on Saturday morning. M’boy, Vig scooped me up and we were off to Network Associates Coliseum for a tilt between the evil hosers from Toronto and the mighty A’s. Despite a horrid performance by that club-footed relief gimp Jim Mecir, the A’s held on for a 6-4 win. The baby brain-washing has begun as I scored an A’s rattle, an A’s silver feeding spoon and some A’s infant gear.
If At First You Don’t Succeed…Make Sure You Crash n’ Burn
In an obvious attempt to see if the sequel can sell worse than the original, R. Kelly has announced plans for a Best of Both Worlds 2 album. The heavily-hyped first album featured a merger with Jay-Z, but was slammed by critics as ego-strokin’ vanity crap (from Jigga & R. Kelly? Noooo!) and stalled after Kelly’s love of the kiddies came to light (allegedly). So, whom did Kelly turn towards in order to fill the rap portion of the album? If you said “Cash Money Records”, please kick your own ass. Yes, CEO Brian “Baby” Williams plans to lace the album with the entire CM roster. Expect six tracks on how to cut up a block of cocaine, six tracks on all the bitches they get and six tracks on how their rides are better than my Saturn.
After the game, we headed into San Francisco. Usually this is a quick n’ painless drive, but Bruce Springsteen was celebrating his 83rd birthday with a concert at Pac Bell Park. Traffic was snarled and just crawling across the bridge. I looked over to my right to find a corn rowed brutha bumpin’ Eazy-E while low-ridin’ in one of those Cooper Mini’s. Next to the time I saw rims on a Ford Taurus, this was the funniest car-related thang ever.
You Take The Good, You Take The (Really) Bad
Tootie does Hip Hop? ’80s pop culture icon, Kim Fields is lending her voice to an album by Impromp2. It’s a spoken-word spot on a cut called Mocha Soul, which is also my mother-in-law’s stage name (two shows nightly). Now, I’m the last brutha to give career advice to anyone, but let’s look at some of Kim’s recent work: The Facts of Life reunion movie…a gig on that “blind date with a celebrity” show on E!…and now this. If you think I’m bein’ too harsh on her, keep in mind that Al B. Sure has a cameo in the video. Tootie is this close to livin’ out of a cardboard box at the corner of Melissa Rivers Drive and David Sammartino Way.
We started the evening at the very touristy Hard Rock Café. To their credit, they make a stiff ass drink, though. How stiff? On my way to the can, I failed to notice that there was a step down. So, I put my right foot down to what I thought would be the floor, but there was only empty space. Not enough for me to eat sh!t, but enough to look like “Handi-Man” in front of three hot lay-days
Jewel, Oldie and Butch
Following the lead of noted thespians Master P and Busta Rhymes, m’girl Jewel is jumpin’ feet first into the acting thang. She’s signed on to star, develop and produce an indy flick called Wave. She’s joinin’ forces with Goldie Hawn’s Clearlight Productions to make it happen. Hey, quick aside: About 10 years ago, me and some friends were on a summer road trip. To pass the time, we did what all little horn dawgs do…we talked about famous women we wanted to screw.
All the hot chicks of that era were mentioned, including the now-anonymous Tia Carrere and Kathy Ireland. Then, m’boy (who shall remain nameless) Dale H. Viger came with Goldie Hawn. All 50 years of her (then). After a deserved mocking, he comes back with Kathleen Turner. All 60 years of her. He was serious. Both times. I wouldn’t be a friend if I ever let him forget it.
We moved onto watering hole #2. Y’know the only thang worse than an ugly beer wench? An ugly beer wench with an attitude. Fortunately, she was relieved after the first round of Fat Tires. Memo to aspiring waitresses: It’s your job to bring the ale, engage in empty banter with those you serve and put up with the grotesque advances of leering old men. If you can accept that, then you will have earned that $1 tip for that $4 beer.
I Wash Myself With A Rag On A Stick
What in the hell happened to Aretha Franklin? I mean, I know she’s still got those pipes and I’m sure her spirit is pure. But, this ain’t Shallow Hal and all I see are 400 pounds of blubberin’ ooze. I can’t be the only one lookin’ for Sir Mo or Kim Chee when she comes on stage. Anyways, she’s hookin’ up with Mary J. Blige for a pair of tracks on Aretha’s newest album So Damn Happy, in stores on September 16. The first single is gonna be The Only Thing Missin’…is the butter for my chitlins. I am not makin’ this up.
I made the transition from beer to shots at the third place. Don’t you hate when clowns feel they have to slam the glass down after pounding three fingers of Goldschlager? Actually, I do that…but only cuz I once saw Yosemite Sam do it during the bar scene of Buckaroo Bunny.
50 Cent…Literature…What Is This, Irony?
Lookin’ to make a quick buck? Well, you can either sell mixtapes of unreleased 50 Cent and Tupac material or you can write an unauthorized biography about them. Anthony Thomas has settled on the latter and seems confident that fans will be able to tell his exploitative paperbacked piece of trash from all the other ones in the “entertainment” section of Barnes & Noble. Thomas promises to explore the impact that 50 has had on American culture. What “impact”? Havin’ a video in heavy rotation makes him akin to a Spice Girl. Using bullet wounds as a crutch for ‘street cred’ doesn’t make him Martin Luther King, Jr.
At the fourth, and final spot, m’boy ordered his drink and loudly outed me as a married man to everyone at the bar. As if the ring on my finger, which I never, EVER take off, wasn’t a clue. Heh. We closed the place and left in search of a Taco Bell to absorb the fire water in our systems. We ate, rapped some more and crashed just after 3:00 am. My last words to m’boy…”Wake me up at 8:00, so I don’t miss my flight.”
Can I Get A Two-Piece White Meat With A Side of Boycott
Growing up, Wednesday night was fried chicken night in our house. Every Wednesday, every week for 20 goddam years: fried chicken, rice and a glob of carrot-raisin salad. So, I’ve got a little bit of sympathy for this item: The peaceful and docile liberals of P.E.T.A. are calling for a boycott of KFC until they cease their (cole) “slaughter” of all those dirty golden birds. So, what’s the music angle? Opportunistic rabble-rouser Russell Simmons of Def Jam fame has lent his name in support and he’s asked all us black folk to join him. Don’t you love when gazillionaires like Simmons beg us little people to battle the big bad corporations? Maybe if 40 year old Simmons didn’t dress like a 16 year old B-Boy while walkin’ the streets with his 8 foot tall mail order wife, we’d take him a bit more seriously.
“Actually, it’s 9:30” were the first words out of Vig’s mouth that morning. He had overslept and, therefore caused me to oversleep. I absolutely needed a shower, but I still managed to just make my flight literally two minutes before the door closed. Payback, of course, is a biiatch and in this case, I left Vig with the 6:00 am full body sweat-out of all the booze from my pores on the covers of my makeshift bed. Try using that futon again without a steam cleaning, you bastard.
Sometimes The News Just Writes Itself
Following up on a story we touched on a few weeks ago, it seems the self-professed “pit bull in a skirt” is backpedaling like a scalded dog. Or is it scolded? Anyways, after initially admitting that the nekkid picture making the internet rounds was very likely legit, Eve is now claiming that the picture in question is 100% fake. More specifically, it’s Eve’s legal counsel that’s making the claim. The cynic in me would note that Eve has a “family friendly” TV show debuting in a few months, along with a budding film career and it would be sooooo very wrong to be seen as less than wholesome. I happen to think the photo is not only legit, but, to Eve’s credit, it proves that she isn’t really a man. Sadly, they couldn’t airbrush her movie screen forehead, though.
General Haberdashery
Mathan & Jeffrey are the greatest tag team this side of those Whoomp, There It Is guys.
Smilo is not a punk and he’s telling everyone.
Germaine spits a ten spot.
The Throwback: NWA
From time to time, I’ll take a look at an album or group and use this section to spit a quick review. Most importantly, we’ll see how well it stands up today. I got a ton of feedback for future reviews, but last week I promised the first email in would get his wish.
Straight Outta Compton
“You are now about to witness the strength of street knowledge.” Those 11 words signaled the start of a new era in music and gave birth to gangsta rap. Yeah, yeah…we all know that Kool G Rap and Ice T came first, but no one before or since has embraced the thug persona so convincingly and with such outrageous bravado. Fifteen (!) years later, this CD is a near-perfect blend of old-school lyrics and full of beats that were years ahead of their time. Everyone remembers the incendiary cuts like Straight Outta Compton and Fuck The Police, but tracks like If It Ain’t Ruff, I Ain’t The 1 and Gangsta Gangsta kept the vibe flowin’ long after the media discord died down. My one beef? I never liked the album’s final track, Something 2 Dance 2.
(Rating: 9.5/10)
Coming Soon
The good news…I got a promotion at work. The bad news…the wife found out about it and already has her claws in the extra money that was earmarked for stuff like this. The worse news…I haven’t had much of a chance to complete my handful of half-started material. So, be on the lookout for reviews of (rewind, replay) Snoop, Mobb Deep and…Bow Wow?
Also, I’ve got an idea that I’m gonna pitch to our editor-in-chief regarding my “Remix” column. I thought I’d tie it into the seven-year anniversary of Tupac’s death in September with full-length “Throwback” reviews of his entire catalog, some DVD releases and the Remix piece. It’s pretty daunting, but if y’all want it…let me know.
Oakland A’s Update: I guess I can’t complain about the Boston series. Now, it’s onto SARS city and a four-game set with the Jays. If our heroes come out unscathed, they have a chance to get some distance in the wildcard race. While Boston battles the Yanks and White Sox, the Green n’ Gold play Baltimore and Tampa Bay for two weeks.
Tell me I suck…to my face! Well, sort of. Get at me on AOL or Yahoo IM: ajcameron13
