Want to read my new series of plays? Go to Flea’s site. Flea is awesome, I’m awesome, Hyatte is awesome, Eric S is awesome, Dave Gagnon is awesome. We’re awesome.
I was going to sit down and read the headline and write wrestling jokes based on the headlines. I was going to spoil Smackdown and other assorted crap. Not today. Today, I read something disgusting. This coincided with me receiving my first real “exclusive†in the world of wrestling. I never claimed to be a reporter, but what I got today in the mail can only be described as news.
Much More Important Than Junk News. No Junk News Today.
Paul Bearer, a.k.a. Percy Pringle to those of us in the know, recently wrote a scathing indictment of McWrestling. McWrestling is a clever term to describe the current WWE product, which is of course based around the McMahons. It also draws allusions to McDonalds, a popular fast food restaurant which puts out a lackluster product. I would like to say I was clever enough to cone up with the term McWrestling, but I’m a f*cking idiot. Instead, that honor belongs to Mr. Pringle. On behalf of the WWE and all of its fans, I would like to respond to Mr. Bearer/Pringle’s commentary.
Mr. Bearer/Pringle, it must look so easy sitting on your couch. “OOOOOH YES, Triple H should drop the belt.†“OOOOOOH YES, why hasn’t the WWE hired Lo Ki yet?†And the cause of the outburst on your part, “OOOOOOOH YES, why is Eric Bischoff raping Linda McMahon? I’m turning off my television! Television, rest in peace! OOOOOH YES!†How easy it must be for you, sitting there, judging, eating Oreo’s dipped in lard. Do you know what it takes to be a member of the current creative team? I don’t think you do! I think you hate what the WWE is doing because you hate retarded people!
God Bless Vince McMahon and shame on you Percy! Sure, the story lines haven’t been up to par since Vince fired the entire creative team and replaced them with retards. That’s to be expected. I bet you’d like all of the retards to work at Wendy’s, wouldn’t you? Thank God Vince met Robert, or as Robert pronounced it, “Wobet. I’m Wobert and I’m very very very very happy to meet ou Vince IckMan!†Wobet, sorry, Robert said this to Vince while picking up some dog shit on the sidewalk by the Titan Tower. “It’s my job! I like it to do this,†said Robert, who was clearly unemployed. At that moment Vince saw that while Robert lacked book smarts and looks and was picking dog shit up off the sidewalk with his bare hands for no discernable reason, Robert had the most beautiful soul McMahon had ever seen. What was Vince going to do, let Robert, the retard with the soul of gold continue to pick up dog shit on the street? I bet you would, Percy! I bet you would, Pringle/Bearer! Vince decided to make Robert a part of the creative team.
No one liked Robert at first. In fact, in point of fact, everyone hated him. I have obtained a tape recording of Robert’s first staff meeting. I can make out Vince’s voice and the retarded voice most likely belongs to Robert, but the rest I’m going to have to guess at in this sample:
Vince: Before we begin, I’d like everyone to meet the newest member of the team, Robert.
Robert: Hi! I’m Wobet! It’s my job!
HHH or Shane McMahon: Nice to meet you Wobet did you say?
Stephanie McMahon or a dying cat: Wobet is a very interesting name.
Vince: I believe his name is Robert.
Robert: My name is Wobet! It’s very very very nice to you!
I think they shake hands.
Brian Gerwitz or Screech: Good to meet you bud! Welcome to the what’s that on your hand?
Robert: UH OH!
Stephanie or dying cat: Ew! Is that dog shit?
Robert: It’s my job!
Vince: It was his job. Now he works for us.
Robert: You have big boobies Tephany IckMan!
Stephanie (pretty sure not dying cat): HOW DARE YOU?
Robert: UH OH! UH OH! UH OH! UH OH! UH OH! This continues for awhile.
Vince: Robert! Robert, calm down. Shhh. Shhh.
Screech or Brian Gerwitz: Is this guy a retard or something?
Vince: You’re fired Brian!
Brian Gerwitz (possibly Screech, unlikely): What? What the
Robert: UH OH!
Vince: Robert, no! It’s okay Robert. Take a breath.
HHH or Shane McMahon: Dad, you can’t just fire Gertz.
Vince: Don’t call me Dad in the office! You don’t like it? You don’t think Robert can do Brian’s job?
HHH or Shane: No I don’t! He just called my (either sister or spouse, unclear) big breasted!
Vince: Well, she is!
Stephanie: I am! But he has no right
Vince: He doesn’t know any better!
Brian Gerwitz: I don’t have to take this! I brought this federation into the Hollywood era!
Vince: Get out of here!
HHH or Shane: He goes, I go!
Vince: Both of you get out!
Stephanie: MEOOOW HISSS ACH HACK HACK MEOOOOOOOOW HACK HISSSSSSS MEOOOOOOW!
Vince: Stephanie, your cat! Whoops
Stephanie: Robert, put that down!
Robert: It’s my job!
Stephanie: Mr. Skittles! You f*cking retard!
Vince: That’s it! All of you are fired! You can all keep your on air roles, but you are no longer welcome into booking meetings!
Stephanie: MEOW! HISSS! I can’t believe you’d take this retards side
Vince: OUT! ALL OF YOU, OUT OF MY SITE!
The sounds of screams and lamps breaking are heard. Then silence.
Robert: UH OH! UH OH! UH OH! UH OH! UH OH!
Vince: Robert, no! Robert. Robert. Look at me Robert. Look at me.
Robert: Sowwy.
Vince: There is nothing to be sorry about. You’ve done nothing wrong.
Robert: I messed my pants and farted squishy stuff. My name Wobet.
Vince: HA HA! Yes you sure did. No, no, don’t play with it.
Robert: It’s my job!
Vince: No, your job is to come up with story line ideas. For instance, Kane and Triple H are going to have a program together. Any ideas?
Robert: I like Kane!
Vince: Glen’s a great guy. Do you have any ideas as to what they should fight over?
Robert: My mom died.
Vince: I am so sorry to hear that.
Robert: UH OH!
Vince: NO!
Robert: UH OH!
Vince: NO!
Robert: UH OH!
Vince: NO!
Robert: UH OH!
Vince: NO!
Robert: UH OH!
Vince: NO!
Robert: UH OH!
Vince: STOP IT!
Robert: Now I peed.
Vince: Shit on the hand, shit on the ass, piss on the cock. You’re a triple threat, Robert.
Robert: Triple H?
Vince: Good! Let’s get back on topic. Triple H and Kane.
Robert: I like Kane!
Vince: Yes. How should we book them together?
Robert: Mrs. Vick makes me read book for class.
Vince: Mrs. Vick, eh?
Robert: She told me to call Katie.
Vince: Who’s Katie?
Robert: Mrs. Vick called Katie.
Vince: Mrs. Vick is Katie?
Robert: UH OH!
Vince: What?
Robert: You know!
Vince: Well, of course I know. You just told me.
Robert: Mrs. Vick says her husband doesn’t undertaker.
Vince: You mean understand her?
Robert: American badass!
Vince: Kane’s brother. I think I see what you’re driving at here and I need to put the kibosh on it immediately.
Robert: I don’t know what that is.
Vince: Kibosh means
Robert: American Badass!
Vince: He’s on Smackdown Robert.
Robert: My name is Wobet!
Vince: Robert.
Robert: Wobet!
Vince: Okay! Wobet, I just fired my entire creative team. So far you’ve told me that your mother died, you’ve messed yourself twice, and you have a teacher named Katie Vick who makes you read books.
Wobet (with respect to his wishes.): I put on a Kane mask and had f*ck with mom after death.
Vince: Wobet you’re a genius!
Wobet: I’m smart!
Vince: Kane dated Katie Vick. She died and he had sex with her dead body! Triple H reveals this to the world. How’d she die? Hmmm Wobet, how’d your mother die?
Wobet: I f*ck her dead body!
Vince: Yes, that’s good stuff. How’d she die?
Wobet: She was hit by a twuck.
Vince: Car crash. Excellent!
Wobet: UH OH!
Vince: NO!
Wobet: UH OH!
Vince: STOP IT!
Wobet: I peed again.
Vince: I can smell. Wobet, do you have any friends at class who would be interested in joining our team? You have a beautiful soul and you are a resource of ideas. I automatically assume all ‘special’ people are like you.
Wobet: Jimmy is mean. He hates black people.
Vince: Then he’ll be perfect for one of our Wrestlemania main events!
Wobet: What’s dis?
Vince: That’s a tape recorder. Wobet, no. Don’t play with
At this point the tape cuts off, but you get the point. Percy Pringle, Paul Bearer, Handsome Harry or whatever you’re calling yourself these days, how dare you? You’re a fat man, you’ve never made bones about it. How dare you criticize a group of people who cannot go on Atkins to cure their disability? There is a cure for fatty fatness, there is no cure for retardation. As you pick on the retarded WWE creative team, think of poor Wobet shitting himself for the umpteenth time but now having Vince McMahon to praise him for doing so. You want to take that away so Eric Bischoff won’t rape Linda McMahon? I’ll watch Eric Bischoff make out with Linda for 3 hours every night if it’ll give on more retard a job. I just pray that it will.
Dedicated to
The entire 7 pages of retard jokes about the creative team is dedicated to those wrestling jokesters who came before me or join me in currently doing parody on the net. Dave Gagnon, Chris Hyatte, BFBisBuff, Flea, the guy who did The Hanging Gardens, Dusty the Big Fat Bitter Cat, the super funny Derek Burgan, the oft hilarious Scott Keith, Eric S and his whacky nicknames for wrestlers, the rib tickling styling of Tom Daniels, the sometimes comedic Bob Ryder, Al Isaacs, Terry Taylor, and finally, most importantly, this is dedicated to the early works of Joshua Grutman. I think I got everyone, right? Truly, the masters of the parody have been listed here. Not one person not on this list has ever written any kind of wrestling parody ever.
I almost forgot! How could I forget Pat McNeil and his song parodies?
Sorry. Sometimes I write a joke for one person. The one person knows who he is and now knows that when he asks for credit where credit is due, I will not only NOT give him the credit, I will instead give that credit to Bob Ryder. I bet the guy I insulted is sobbing! Yeah, where’s your national exposure now? Where’s your possible book deal now? You just got played by a guy who’s claim to fame is that he writes wrestling jokes once a week and won awards for wrestling fiction! I so own you in the ‘score’ factor!
This is stupid and petty. NoSoul felt slighted when I didn’t give him props for helping to create the wrestling parody when I gave all the credit to Dave Gagnon. Hyatte, Gagnon and ScoopThis all deserve credit for me ripping them off. I hope this makes everyone on the net happy. (Nice! Played up the mature factor, thus making the ‘score’ factor 2-0! I am the master of the mind game with a giant neck pimple.)
We’ll be back to the normal format next week. Here’s Blade to probably depress you or cheer you up or something. You can e-mail her at bladehwc@yahoo.ca.
Oh, and go to Flea’s site. My better stuff is there. www.1ryderfakin.com. I think the catchphrase should be “Got Grut?†But whatever.
Blading
A few people have asked me where I got the name Sarah Blade. Well, Sarah is my real name, but Blade is a name I got from a friend of mine.
About a year ago, when I was in wrestling training, a co-trainee and good friend of mine, Nik Fusion, made up the name for me. Everyone else in the class had a name, except me. So, while we were learning Snap mares, this is what we were talking about.
We ended up talking about the spring vacation that we had just had. I had seen the movie Blade 2, and really hadn’t liked it. But, they said the name Sarah Blade, and I really liked that.
So, that’s how Sarah Blade was born, from a movie that I don’t really like, from a friend that I don’t really like. (J/K Nik, you know I’m joking)
Anyways, the first match that was set up for me on Saturday, the company is all messed up, so the show has been moved to September. The second show is on in New Serepta, Alberta. A town with a population of my house.
Last I heard, I’m fighting a male, backyard wrestler. Apparently I can powerbomb him through a table, and he’ll take it. If he tries that crap with me though, he’s sadly mistaken.
Next week, results from the RCW show.
Till next week.
Bladehwc@yahoo.ca
Man, she’s like Edge. Only she doesn’t rape Lance Storm’s family or force sex on Al Snow.
