Yeah, yeah, yeah, late, I know. However, I can barely walk right now thanks to the saturation humidity we’ve been having and its effects on my knees. So, I doped myself to sleep and, whoops! And if the McMahons are pleased about how Raw turned out, they’re on more drugs than I am.
First of all, congratulations to CNN on getting some Chicago geography right for a change. The scene of the deadly warehouse rampage is, indeed, near former Comiskey Park (about three-quarters of a mile away). And it is, indeed, in an industrial district. Who says there’s East Coast Bias in the media? Oh, I do.
Okay, let’s get on with the festivities…
THE PIMP SECTION
Miss G Her Own Self has finally returned. That, in enough, is cause for celebration. The fact that she seems to be more obsessed about breasts than I am is simply a bonus.
Memo to Baxley: The major problem with Ultima IX wasn’t the speed (although it was horrid in that department). It was the bugs. There was a bug that wasn’t fixed until the third and final patch that prevented you from finishing the game. And then they alienated the audience completely by stopping patch development (and announcing it publicly) while there were still major problems with the game, most notably, as you said, in the speed department. Compared to this, Microsoft saying that they weren’t going to fix the problems with Career Mode in Links 2003 is nothing.
GOODBYE STATUE
Ah, the Ten Commandments statue has been removed from the Montgomery, Alabama courthouse, and the Religious Reich is in sputter mode, just the way I like them. Hey, just look at the facts for a second: Judge Moore put the statue there by himself, without any consultation. He was ordered by a superior court to remove it. He defied a court order to do so. If he wasn’t a judge, his ass would be in jail for contempt, period. Instead, he’s just going to face a half-dozen different ethics violations charges and get thrown off the bench. Good.
Let’s get down to brass tacks: this is simply the Religious Reich’s latest cause to rally around. They’ve lost the abortion battle. They’ve lost the sodomy law battle. Now they’ve sunk to rallying around some yokel who’s using specious rationalizations about the Ten Commandments being the basis of US law (which it isn’t; it isn’t even the basis of British common law) to have a statue that he himself made abundantly clear violates the First Amendment’s guarantee of separation of church and state sitting around his courthouse. They’ve officially now become pathetic. I’m just begging for them to try to flex their muscles next year; that’ll drive more voters on to the Democratic side than anything Dubbaya does (just like in ’96 when they hijacked the convention).
Get a clue, Religious Reich. Religion and politics haven’t mixed since the principle of the Divine Right Of Kings was discredited. Don’t try to bring it back as the Divine Right of the King of Kings, okay? Most Americans, even Christians, don’t want a country run on your principles. Just vanish again like you did in Bubba’s second term, and stay vanished.
I do love one quote from this whole mess that CNN put up. It’s from some redneck named Phillip Nunn, who’s from Kentucky (according to a few people who wrote me who are from Alabama, most of the protestors are from out-of-state):
“Americans will start realizing that if we don’t speak up and if we don’t start going to the voting booth, then we’re going to have more of this. But if we take a stand, we can make a difference.”
Dear Mister Nunn, this goes both ways. So if you don’t like the Religious Reich, go to the voting booth and make sure they don’t get a foothold into how this country’s run, and the first step is to get rid of their puppet Dubbaya next year.
SOMETHING FOR THE GAME SECTION GUYS TO CHEW ON
According to Reuters, the percentage of gamers who are women 18 years or older is actually higher than the percentage of boys 6 to 17, although the boys spend more time on average playing games. Almost one in five gamers is over the age of 50. The average age of a gamer is 29 years. And the number of mature-rated titles has skyrocketed in the last year and a half.
I know this isn’t necessarily true at 411, but I do know this is true at other sites: game reviews and articles are being targeted at the wrong audience. They’re still being written from the perspective that teen and post-teen males are the exclusive group to read them, when in actuality they only make up about 55-60% of the people playing them. The writers aren’t cognizant of that fact; I have to admit that I was a little surprised when I read the survey results.
Hey, I plead guilty to this young-male-centric attitude. Look at my Tron 2.0 review; I include a screen cap of Mercury’s ass, but I don’t include one of AlanTwo’s posterior. I credit Rebecca Romijn-Stamos for using her most sultry voice with Mercury, but don’t mention the humpiness level of the computerized males. I keep rationalizing that this might be for the better. I don’t know how comfortable I’d feel telling the ladies in the audience to jump some sprite’s bones. However, if Galatea can talk about tits and if Queer Eye For The Straight Guy can be a hit, I should be able to overcome that mental barrier.
We don’t have any females writing material in the Games section here. We also don’t have anyone over the age of 50 writing in there…okay, Lucard and I are close, but not that close. Our staff pretty much consists exclusively of young males between 18 and 29. Now, since that’s the demographic of plurality, you can say that our staff reflects a good portion of the
SPECIAL WEIRD CROSSOVER SECTION
Since we’re on the subject of games, I’m going to turn it over to Regular Antwon Jackson, a heavy-duty gamer and a well-spoken critic of my anti-console bias, for one of those “whole letters that are just too good to let languish in Mailbag” things…
Wow that was a brutal column. You really do hate consoles, but before I go into why some console gamers aren’t into PC games, I just want to correct you on something. New York isn’t the cesspool of humanity…New Jersey is. The only thing that makes New York kinda cesspool-like is that we have really corny liberals here who like to make bloated statements right before the spend the next week or so at their vacation house in the Hamptons. Oh yeah and that New Jersey people work here.
No, Noo Yawk is the cesspit of humanity, I’m afraid. Noo Joisey is simply a toxic waste dump disguised as a state. As for the Noo Yawk liberals, hey, I hate Hitlary too, but while your state elected her to the Senate, mine made it so miserable for her to live in that she got out forever. Park Ridge’s official motto is “If the Rosemont cops don’t get you for doing 5 MPH faster than the limit, ours will.”
Anyway, here we go:
1) Just as console games are targeted towards and audience that will buy them, so are PC games. Which means that a lot of console gamers will refuse to play PC games, and vice versa. But this is more evident in that…
There are two sort-of counters to this that I have to state or ask:
1) It goes both ways. A lot of PC gamers refuse to play console ports. The exceptions are AAA titles like Vice City or Madden.
2) PC have a much more limited selection than you put on. For the most part, PCs are for most simulations,
Probably because they’re the only ones with enough power and control options to do a simulation. As much as Microsoft would love to do it, they’ll never be able to port Flight Simulator 2004 to the X-Box.
various non-turn based RPGs,
Console RPGs are not RPGs. They’re adventure games with the occasional spate of combat. However, many real RPGs allow for turn-based combat (the Might and Magic series, to name one).
RTS,
I’ll give you that one.
and first person shooters. The Quakes, Half-Lifes and such dominate the shooters,
I’m not sure what you’re getting at here. Are you saying that “shooters”, as a generalization, are dominated by first-person games on the PC as opposed to the third-person shooter dominance of the consoles? Yes, that’s true.
MMORPGs now dominate the RPGs,
Funny, the most dominant RPG on the market right now is not massively multiplayer, and that’s Neverwinter Nights.
with the exception of the hack and slashes like Diablo and such.
Which are not RPGs. They’re 3/4 Isometic Hack-And-Slash games. It’s a different genre.
3) PC do not have platformers,
This is the only thing you’re going to say in this numbered section that’s true. FPSes have completely supplanted platformers. That’s what called “evolution”.
3rd person ANYTHING,
I can play Morrowind in third-person. Ditto Tron 2.0 and a number of other FPSes. Jedi Academy forces you into third-person mode for lightsaber combat and vehicle operation, or you can play the entire game third-person if you wish. That’s a complete misstatement on your part that betrays your limited view that a game has to be third-person view exclusive in order to be considered third-person.
racing games,
Guess that EA’s NASCAR series was just an illusion. The Colin McRae series? What about the ports like Midnight Club 2?
a variety of sports,
Care to look on the PC game shelves at Best Buy and see all of the EA Sports game boxes? Virtually everything they put out for a console comes out on PC. And then there’s Links, High Heat Baseball, and a number of others.
or any non-MMORPG or hack and slash RPGs.
Neverwinter Nights? Morrowind?
Call me crazy but I like to use magic spells and summons…
Play Morrowind. Or any Baldur’s Gate game, for that matter. There are more summoning spells in both than you can shake a stick at.
it would be nice if PCs had one Final Fantasy/Suikoden/Xenosaga type of RPG.
FF7 and FF8 came out for the PC, and they were shit because Square didn’t bother to do a good port. And to answer another question from another mail, Final Fantasy isn’t an RPG because it’s completely scripted, with very little branching off of the main quest (if any), not enough ways to specifically develop your character through advancement, creates no real chance at specialization, and has very little character development outside of scripted events.
4) Some people like myself do not pirate, and even if some people did want to, they are computer idiots and therefore wouldn’t be able to find very many games without Kazaa. Funny how you and many others including myself blast people for not simply having a virus checker…yet those same people, when they look at the various instructions you have provided on how to pirate, will look at you like they are 12 year old in Calculus class. If they don’t know what Windows Update is, how likely will they be able to understand the difference between an .exe and a .rar, and what to do with them?
If they’re too lazy to type in “http://www.google.com” and search for instructions that way, it’s not my fault. If you’re the type of person who has to have everything spoon-fed to them from point one, then you should get a console and stay off a computer. However, I don’t mind giving in-depth technical advice to people, like I did with getting Shareaza to work with Grut’s system a few weeks ago. Some of that stuff is a little hairy to work through when you don’t know how.
5) KEYBOARDS SUCK! My personal #1 reason for not PC gaming. I don’t want to use the “G” key to strafe…I’m sorry. Using a keyboard to play games is like trying to use my feet to jerk off.
Then remap the keys. I do. I don’t like WASD and I prefer to use the cursor keys for direction. Virtually every game allows you to do that, including Madden.
6) Play PC games on the average system isn’t just getting an $90 video card. You also need “decent” memory, and alot of other “decent” stuff.
512M of Crucial is less than US$100, and that’s what, 16 times the memory inside a PS2? Motherboard-based sound has been improving so much recently that sound cards may end up being a thing of the past in a few years. The only other thing I can think of is a monitor and a comfortable mouse, and you should have those anyway.
And telling someone to buy a $90 card will on make them have to buy another $90 card next year…unless all they want to play is Myst. That’s the problem with PC games…there is a big difference in getting something to run and getting something to run WELL.
Bullshit. GeForce2s have no major problem running stuff coming out today, as I know from first-hand experience, and the quality is still higher than anything you’re going to get on PS2, and for that matter on X-Box. You can get a GeForce4 MX for under a c-note right now, and the only game coming out in the next year or so that you may have problems with is Doom 3, but Carmack’s tech demos always play rough with hardware. The problem here is that people don’t upgrade their video drivers. It’s a simple operation, but it makes a helluva lot of difference. The infamous shot lag problem in Links 2003 was solved by a driver upgrade (once NVidia and ATI figured out what was going on). The incredible improvement of NVidia’s drivers is what’s kept my GF2 running great three and a half years after I bought it.
7) It’s VERY hard to find info on most games before you buy it…only the popular ones get covered. Whereas every console game gets reviewed…
Adrenaline Vault? GameSpy? Gaming Age? All of them have large amounts of PC previews. And I don’t see “every” console game getting reviewed. What about the Jap-only stuff?
7) And finally (this one is a bit more personal than for everyone), many computer games suck way too much of the personal life away. The average console game can take from 10-50 hours to beat, while many PC games are 100+, not including the MMORPG which are persistent. If I was a PC gamer I’d have no life at all. Some people are able to space things out but I am not one of those people…once I get a game I must beat it ASAP.
That’s a personal thing. I do know this: yesterday, a good, long session of Morrowind helped me forget about my knee killing me. And there’s nothing like getting involved in a game of Civilization, forgetting about everything, and then realize that the sun’s rising.
8) Actually, this is the last one. Many people view PC gaming as being a nerdy thing. As there is truth in most stereotypes, this is verified by talking to most anyone in any online game/RTS/MMORPG.
Then don’t talk to them and save your sanity. The complete retardedness of my fellow players is what drives me away from multiplayer in the first place. I can’t play an MMORPG because there’s no RP going on. But what about the stereotype created by consoles, namely that gaming is for kids? That’s led to the ESRB and the moron parents of Columbine suing game companies for violent content.
Personally, I don’t like 1st person ANYTHING, or computer RPGs.
And I do. Vive le difference.
So that pretty much kills the PC for me. I was a Starcraft fan for awhile but you are probably tired of me mentioning that game…
Never played it, never will, because of Blizzard’s violation of privacy during the initial release, the one they got sued over.
Couple of questions:
1) Why do you hate EA, otherwise know as The Company At The Left Hand of God (yeah I stole that from you so what :)
You’re a Regular. You can steal from me any time you want. I hate EA because of the destruction of Origin and Westwood under their management. I hate them because of their egotism and stupidity in the belief that they have the whip hand over anyone they negotiate with. They totally destroyed their relationship with Microsoft due to treating MS like dirt over EA.com (it surprised me that Madden came out on X-Box). They rank second to Sega’s marketing department in responsibility for the death of the Dreamcast. They blew nine figures on EA.com without showing any results. They’re one of the most bureaucratic game companies around and treat games like commodities.
Shane Charleson has a great follow-up regarding EA and my comments regarding AFL 2001 from yesterday:
Thank you. Im glad someone has spoken up as to the craptacular nature of this game.
Sadly, this country is so damn insecure and desperate for attention, that from when the game was first announced right up til about 12 months after it dropped, the computer ‘media’ were in a permanent state of ‘bend over and spread them cheeks, boy’ for EA (as all facets of the media tend to do whenever the countries that are actually worth more than 1/2 a shit pay attention to us for longer than 5 seconds), which biased the reviews to such an extent that I wasnt surprised that EA:AR wasnt voted Greatest Game Ever, Ever, Ever.
So, therefore, EA is an international embarassment. It only resembles the company that brought us those great games of the 80s in name. Now back to the mail…
2) Does the PC have any non-1st person, non-RPG, non-RTS games out right now that are good? I’ve looked but I can’t really find anything. Do you recommend something?
Trickshot is a damn nice billiards/snooker game. Age Of Wonders II: Shadow Magic is turn-based strategy, and part of a great series. I know you don’t want to hear about any RTS, but check out Republic. It’s a fantastic twist on the whole genre. And if you want something real jokey and console-y, try Neighbours From Hell.
And before I break away from games, Memo to Mike V: Yes, I know that Dreamcast games are widely available for piracy, and it’d be the console I’d go for if I wanted to own one, but I don’t. And I don’t bust out a game system when friends come over, because I don’t invite friends over. I go to their place.
SMACKDOWN FULLY SPOILED
So what’s the difference between Smackdown Somewhat Spoiled and Smackdown Fully Spoiled? Quite simple: if I have to get results off of a website, I summarize and not give away too much. That becomes Smackdown Somewhat Spoiled. If someone sends me in a recap from the show because they were there, like Scott Spencer did this week, then I print it relatively intact and it becomes Smackdown Fully Spoiled. I am not going to edit the thing just because you whiners don’t like the show to be previewed so you can be “surprised” on Thursday night. I’m gonna give full props to the person who wrote this thing up and sent it into me and respect their work by printing it nearly in full. So here’s what happened according to Scott Spencer:
I was at the Smackdown taping tonight. I was very impressed, as it was my first TV event and it had been about 10 months since the WWE was in El Paso. I was pissed because they didn’t let me bring signs on the floor, but everyone else had them. I had “Worship Benoit”, “No More McMahons”, “Show Your Hogans” (our slang term for breasts) and an inside joke “Bring Back Stasiak For Zak”. Bastards.
Dark Matches:
A Jobber Vs Ultimo Dragon
Didn’t catch the jobber’s name as I was making my way to my seat (Floor, row 2). He had purple trunks with “Vain” on them. What you posted about Ultimo not getting over with Vince must be true- in a dark match that lasted about 2 minutes, ending with that crazy finisher of his (Forgive me for not knowing the name, I don’t get Smackdown where I live) in a decent match. At least Dragon got his pyro.
Mortis/Funaki Vs Two Jobbers
Didn’t catch these guys’ name either, pretty big possibly OVW kids that sold well. Funaki was fairly over, and a lot of people were confused as to who Mortis was, but he got a few “Who’s Betta Than Kanyon” comments yelled at him. Kanyon looked slim, had good ring intro. Match was pretty uneventful and reminded me of watching WCW Saturday night; Mortis wins it with the Flatliner. The Japanese dudes in front of me marked out for Funaki.
Velocity kicks off at this point, and the pyro was deafening. They bring out Josh Matthews to “Click Click Boom” and a modest reaction. Taz’s entrance video gets a good reaction and a good pop. I popped for him because I was expecting Ernest Miller.
Somewhere around here, when the ring announcer (Is it Tony Chimel? I have no clue) I started a “We Want The Fink” chant, to which he gave me a strange look. Then I said that Lilian Garcia would be ok, and he said that she was in the back doing his laundry. Classic.
Velocity Matches:
Billy Gunn w/Torrie Wilson Vs Doug Basham w/Shaniqua and the other Basham
Torrie is looking goregous, and I was very glad to have the seat that I did. A few minutes in, Nidia and Noble come out to support Billy Gunn. This match was pretty awful, but Nidia, Noble and Torrie worked the crowd. There were lots of chants for Torrie, as no one cared about the match. At one point Billy hits a sloppy, stiff kick to the face of Basham, definitely not worked. Gunn hits the FameAsser, but Shaniqua boots the hell out of Noble by the commentators’ posistion, the Bashams make the switch-a-roo and get the pin. After the match, Gunn refuses a group hug from Noble, Nidia and Torrie, and he exchanges words with Noble. Nidia and Noble leave, Torrie and Gunn stay behind. Torrie pulls up her skirt, pulls down her underwear and shows her lovely ass in a thong to each side of the crowd. Lovely! Billy Gunn was really blown up, btw.
Shannon Moore Vs BJ Yates (No Music)
Moore is with Matt Hardy who is getting him a good reaction. Matt is on the outside and did a great job of working the crowd. Pretty basic match with Shannon against a bigger, beared, Ultimate Warrior-esque clad opponent with nothing really spectacular of note. Moore gets the win with the Blockbuster, and Matt poses. He gets Shannon to pose, but he only gets a reaction when Matt stands behind them. The Hardys are SUPER over here, and Matt got a lot of “You’re brother is better” type heat.
Tajiri Vs Kidman
Again, the Japanese guys in front of me marked out huge and tried to start a Tajiri chant in vain. Tajiri got a decent pop, pretty quiet for Kidman. This match was very solid and worth watching Velocity for. The two started with lots of good, solid mat wrestling and stayed in the ring and on the ground for a good while, with a few excellent exchanges that got pops. Tajiri got a big near fall with a stiff kick and pretty much dominated most of the match. He went for a tornado DDT but Kidman reversed into a Spinebuster Bomb in a very good spot. Tajiri hit the tarantula, Kidman hit his corner bulldog (a little botched, but ok), but no dice. On a roll up exchange, the ref’s attention was diverted and Tajiri hit the green mist, and rolled up Kidman for the win. Excellent match.
The World’s Greatest Tag Team Vs APA, World Tag Team Title Match
TWGTT had very little heat. APA got one of the better pops of the night, and the best so far. For some reason Faarooq was really over, moreso than Bradshaw (We’re in Texas). Back and forth match with some good heel work by Benjamin and Haas, but not one of their better outings. Hot tags to Bradshaw and Faarooq after the other got worked over. Faarooq hits his kidney-crushing Spinebuster, but those crafty heels are too smart. Eventually, Shelton superkicks Faarooq into a rollup by Haas to retain the Tag Belts. Good to see a title match, and one that was semi-pushed on Smackdown, but the crowd knew they weren’t going to see a title change.
Velocity is over, we see a video of Torrie Wilson. Her favorite lingerie is just a bra and panties, which is a ridiculously stupid answer. The cover of Playboy got a big pop.
A singer comes out to sing the national anthem, even though I thought it was Stephanie McMahon at first…but then I realized she was hot. Take THAT HHH! She sings, everyone just whistles and yells at her for the most part. Pretty good voice, and a USA chant afterwards.
The WWE pre-show logo thing comes on…everyone is already chanting for Eddie, even though we haven’t seen a picture of him or had his name
mentioned.
Smackdown pyro rages, the chants for Eddie continue. We finally see Eddie on the Titan tron, which may have been the biggest pop of the night. Eddies in a lowrider w/Hydros. The chants continue, Eddie makes his way in through the crowd who adores him. He’s wearing his street clothes. He goes to hug his family at ringside. He comes in and cuts a promo, and says he’s almost getting emotional. The crowd is going absolutely nuts, as Eddie is from El Paso of course…(side note, last time WWE was here, they played his old WCW music and announced “From El Paso Texas…”, the crowd went ape, but it was for Chavo. These people are starving to see him. And he’s got the US title. A Chico’s Tacos chant breaks out (Popluar taco joint here), Eddie says “Oh I’ve been there”. Huge pop. He talks about his great, great grandma getting citizenship by beating up another grandma and stealing her answers. He’s cut off by John Cena, in a Massachusetts Jersey. Big time HEAT. He comes out,
cuts a promo on Eddie saying that he doesn’t belong here, that he doesn’t deserve the US Title (Because he’s not really American), that he stole his green card and called him a wetback, which would be like calling Booker T the N Word in Houston. Racial slurs = Heat I suppose. The crowd is totally RABID, chanting spanish profanity. They agree to get it on tonight for the US Title, Eddie goes after him anyway. He beats him down, steals his Jersey and his hat and makes his own rap; “You’re gonna get beat, and taste defeat, because I lie steal and cheat, and you can’t handle my Latino Heat”. Crowd ate it up, pure madness and someone spilt beer in my seat. Great.
Rey Misterio Vs Little Guido, Cruiserweight Title Match
Rey came out to a great pop, but not an Eddie pop. The ref sends the rest of the FBI to the back. Rey tosses his shirt to a kid in the audience. This match was fairly disapointing, as I expected more out of these two, especially Guido who looked terrible compared to his ECW days. 619 is faked, Rey hits a great corkscrew moonsault plancha that got a good pop, hit a 619 put the West Coast Pop is blocked by a powerbomb. Rey hits a top-rope legdrop for an awkward finish that the crowd wasn’t expecting…at this point I’ve trained my section to yell “TWO!” at every two count.
Chris Benoit Vs A-Train w/Sable
I marked out like the internet mark I am for Benoit. It was a rush to see him in person…I was praying for a great opponent, but instead the steam hit and out comes A-Train. Damn. Benoit did what he could, and they had some good exchanges with Benoit really fighting to put holds on Albert. Albert hit a choke lift bomb for two. He unties a turnbuckle, which wasn’t really needed. Benoit hits a German and a Swan Dive Headbutt for a big two from the crowd. A Train gets up and looks to go for a reverse powerbomb on to the exposed buckle, Benoit floats over and shoves him into it sternum first. He goes for the crossface, but doesn’t really drive him down because A Train just falls down. He taps out after a few seconds. Sable did nothing the whole match, just stood around and looked like a whore. Albert is upset after the match.
Backstage, something is happening with Eddie’s car.
We see a Diva video mixed with music and the video for No Doubt’s Hey Baby. Not bad stuff. Pictures of Lita got a good pop.
Backstage Albert confronts Benoit, saying that he didn’t beat him and that he couldn’t beat him. Benoit starts to go after him, but outta nowhere Rhyno GORES him through a closed door. They stand over him and taunt him. A fun spot that surprised the audience, and another high profile feud for Albert. Yay.
Eddie finds that a wheel has been stolen off of his low rider. He asks the APA if they saw anything, and he’s livid. Every time they show Eddie there are pops and chants. He asks Orlando Jordan, Funaki (“I don’t care if you tell me in Japanese just tell me!”) and the FBI, who laugh at the situation and Eddie slugs them both.
Backstage Cena denies any involvement with the theft.
Here comes the pain; Brock Lesnar comes out to a good pop, but a babyface one. He lets him know he’s a heel at the start of his promo- “Sit down and shut up”. He talks about how everywhere he goes, everyone tells him that “You Tapped Out”, which illicits chants from the crowd of course. Brock says that he didn’t lose, that is was a fluke, then a mirage (!), then a miracle, and sticks with that. He also says it was the most embarassing moments of his life. The crowd is all over Brock, Angle appears on the Titan Tron and calls him a baby, and that bitching isn’t what the fans want. Brock demands a title rematch, UT comes out to a big pop. He says it’s his yard, it’s his turn, etc. Big Show comes out and says he’s the biggest, so he should get the shot. Kurt Angle comes out and talks about all three of them, saying that Big Show’s body odor has caused him more suffering then the other two. Stephanie McScreech comes out and declares that the main event will be a #1 contenders triple threat match. And it’s No DQ. Thankfully it’s the only time we’ll see her tonight, hurrah!
Eddie Guererro Vs John Cena, United States Title
Cena comes down with the wheel in hand. He says he steals too, but he gets caught. We are on the verge of a race riot, as there is a small, white cheering section for Cena. Eddie jumps Cena on the outside, where he gets a small gash on his head (weak blade job or hardway). Eddie tosses him in and goes to work stomping, the bell rings. These two were absolutely on fire together, the crowd was emotionally involved, it had a story, a title, everything you could want. Eddie misses a frog splash, Cena locks in a few submissions and an absolutely brutal clothesline that they replayed. They brawl, Eddie fights out of an FU with a semi-botched hurancanrana. A great spot where Eddie brings in the wheel, the ref goes to roll it out of the ring, meanwhile Eddie gets a chair and whacks Cena. Cheat to win! Eddie rallies, hits a belly to back and goes for the frog splash. Picture perfect…Cena kicks OUT of the frog splash! The crowd is shocked. The two continue to go at it, Cena hits a low blow and out of nowhere the ref DQ’s Cena. The crowd is PISSED. Cena grabs his chain and clocks Eddie. A lady in front of me is in tears. Cena brutalizes Guererro who is busted open badly. No one around me thinks the blood from either of them is real…and everyone is expecting Chavo to come out for the save, no dice. Cena gets the wheel and hits a brutal FU on the wheel and exits to the biggest heel heat I’ve ever heard. Eddie gets up and the crowd gives him a standing ovation and chants his name.
At this point the crowd is completely exhausted as that should have been the main event.
Brock Lesnar Vs Undertaker Vs The Big Show, #1 Contender Match, No DQ
Angle is on commentary. Naturally the heels double team Taker until a funny spot where Show hits a suplex, sits up and is happy and proud of himself, while Brock tries to pin UT. They stand off, Brock has him in the corner but TBS takes control w/a short clothesline. Show with a STIFF chop. Brock hits a belly to belly on Show, UT breaks up the pin. UT fires off on both of them. UT dominates for a bit, but Lesnar sneaks up and goes for the F5, Show kicks him and they both go down. Show goes for a chokeslam, UT counters with a Fujiwara Armbar! Brock breaks it up, they face off. UT hits a Cactus Clothesline and they’re both on the floor. Show hits Brock with a chair, then misses UT and hits the post, he hurts his hands and drops the chair. UT picks it up and TBS socks it into his face, smacks Brock again and roars. Good spots actually. TBS and Undertaker in the ring, UT knocks the slobber out of him literally. Show with a boot, slow to pin and UT hits a leg scissor. Shouldn’t he be getting Brock to tap, not Show? Brock breaks it up again. A bit later UT hits a chokeslam on Brock, TBS pulls out the ref. Show chokeslams UT, Brock breaks the pin. Brock with a big suplex. UT pummels Brock while he tries to cover up. He goes for the Last Ride, Show comes over and he gets pummeled out of the ring. Brock hits an F5, Show breaks the pin, Brock kicks out of the Show’s Chokeslam. They tease the infamous superplex, UT breaks it up. UT hits the Last Ride on Brock from the corner for the pin and a big pop.
Taker and Angle stare each other down.
End of show I beleive.
Show leaves, Brock leaves to “You got punked” and “You Tapped Out” chants, UT leaves last for a big pop.
Biggest Pops:
1)Eddie, it was totally insane.
2)Kurt Angle
3)Rey Mistero
4)APA/Undertaker (About the same)
5)Torrie’s Ass
Biggest Heat:
1)John “The White Devil” Cena
2)Brock, He got the “You Tapped Out!” all night long.
3)A-Train Rhino Segment
Everyone else was either a face or not over.
Props for not having the McMahons spoil the show.
Side note- I met a guy from Sweden that flew in to catch the Summerslam in
Phoenix, Raw in Tucson, Smackdown in El Paso loop. Now THAT’S hardcore.
Definitely catch Smackdown and Velocity.
I’ll watch for Eddy/Cena, but that’s about it.
MAILBAG!
Loads of people wrote into me about YJ Stinger. Apparently I overestimated the intelligence of the people at Stacker to come up with a creative, meaningful name for their energy beverage. Yohimbine might be in it considering that one guy told me of his inability to bring down an erection after drinking some. Here’s a couple more YJ Stinger comments:
I thought the YJ Stinger contained Jerichahol? – Regular Andrew Ormberg (I just couldn’t find a place for the rest of your mail where it’d flow this week, Andrew; sorry.)
…the stuff tastes like watered-down Red Bull and didn’t do a thing for me. – Billy Kane
The Y.J. Stands for Yellow Jacket, like the pills that stacker 2 makes, only they were sued and had to change the name of the pills from Yellow Jacket to Yellow Swarm, hence the abbreviated Y.J.. I’m pretty sure theres no yohimbe, jojoba, or bee pollen in them. and Yes they taste horrible. The pink one tastes like rotten peaches, the blue tastes like OLD raspberry blow pops, and the green has the most accessible flavor, kinda like Wal-Marts Mountain Lightning, only not as good. – Daemon Immortalis
It actually doesnt taste bad and it does give you about a 30 minute boost of energy, but the aftershock of the boost, ohh, your head is spinning – ShamMol
I’ve tried all 3 flavors of YJ Stinger. I was at a NASCAR race (but in Northern CAlifornia, so it’s alright), and there were HOT women wearing nearly nothing, giving out cups of the stuff. Hey, I’ll be the first to admit that I would have sucked down a cup of warm piss if those girls were offering it to me, but the shit was good. Honest. I was shocked and amazed, but YJ Stinger tastes good. – Erich Reinstadler
So, there’s a big difference of opinion in the taste department. Sorta like Gatorade; you like it or you think it tastes like horse piss.
The God Of All Media brings me back into my area of expertise:
I just had a quick question regarding meat processing facilities. We have a controversy here in Canada where a small plant is having its product recalled because of the possible use of some ‘deadstock’ (animals that die instead of being slaughtered) in their product. Is this a common practice or are these people completely nuts?
Oh, no, it is NOT a common practice in the States. In fact, it’s specifically forbidden by regulations. In order to be used as food, an animal must be alive and healthy at the time it’s killed…that sounds strange; let me try to rephrase it. Before being led to slaughter, an animal has to be healthy. Sick animals are routinely segregated during what’s called an antemortem inspection. If an animal is visibly ill, it’s not allowed to be slaughtered. If an animal is dead prior to reaching the slaughter floor, it is not allowed to be used as food. Any animal used for food is killed in such a way as to allow as much blood as possible to drain out of the carcass. This helps keep the meat fresher and firmer (blood breaks down muscle tissue after death). The death spasms of the heart help in this process. If an animal dies prior to going to the killfloor, it can’t bleed out completely. So this isn’t a controversy. This is just one packing house trying to cheap it out by not having to write off dead stock as a loss and potentially harming their customers in the process.
Raffi Shamir, who’s forced to pirate all WWE programming, asks me about that subject:
Are there any good torrent tracker sites other than suprnova? I’ve been using it a lot and I like it, but I was wondering if I’m not missing a better site?
Not anymore. ByteMonsoon used to be better, but they’ve gone through so many problems that they’ve turned into real shit. Suprnova is pretty much the best by default, a lot like ShareReactor is in the eDonkey world (although ShareReactor’s a much more quality site).
Also, why don’t you recommend IRC as a good piracy source? I’ve been using it for years and it usually offers fats and reliable downloads. I think you said that it might be a little threatening or overwhelming for people who are new to this protocol, but with XDCC bots and sites like packetnews that do all the work for you, including copying the bot command to the PC clipboard, the only skill needed is the ability to hit the combination “ctrl V”, and I think even “YAM” winners can do that. I don’t know whether you use IRC yourself or not, but I think it’s worth consideration.
It’s mostly the people on IRC, all of the guys with the shit-don’t-stink attitude and their contempt for everybody. I’ve earned the right to have contempt for everybody; they haven’t. It is a good source if you’re old-school like we are and/or you know what you’re doing. I just prefer not having to interact with anyone or beg for access. Usenet, eDonkey, and BitTorrent are fire-and-forget, and often faster (especially BT).
Loads and loads of reactions regarding my “don’t bother watching” statement from yesterday. Here’s some:
I’m going to join your boycott, but on a condition: I’m going to stop watching Raw. We stop watching Smackdown, Vince’ll think all that pesky wrestling is taking away fans, and we’ll get Vince/Sable/A-Train v. Steph/Gowen/Taker in a “First team to put the first 5 rows of fans to sleep wins” match. – Old Friend Charlie Owens. I’ll get back to you with the rest of the mail as soon as I get this thing in.
I give up, you’re right, no more RAW for me. I get bored with it half way through anyway and go find something else to do. I’ll still watch SD though, Eddie and Angle are too good to miss. Eddie reminds me so much of Savage back in his IC days, and Angle is Flair reincarnated (that zombie at Trip’s side is not Flair, Flair would never call Trip his successor, kayfabe or not) if anyone is. I know if I miss the prime of Angle and Eddie I’ll regret it the same way I regret missing mid 80s NWA. – Regular HBK826. And happy belated birthday.
Summerslam’s ending truly sucked for those of us watching it here in Vegas. Seeing HHH go over AGAIN just drained all the energy out of the room and left everyone feeling very unhappy at the ending. Yeah, yeah, I know that this leads to a buildup for Goldberg vs. HHH for the next PPV, but at this point, no one that watched it with me seems to believe that THIS time HHH will drop it. How many times has someone come out, scared the crap out of HHH, and how many times has he then turned around and pinned them relatively cleanly within two months?
And just a point, what’s the reasoning behind leaving people disappointed in the end of a PPV? Trying to build up tension so that people will really care when someone takes it off HHH? I’ve got news for the WWE, they’ve broken the elastic on that rubber band already. I had five people watching Summerslam with me, and when it ended, three of them said they didn’t care about seeing the next PPV because they’re just lacking interest and hope about it. Two said they were really considering stopping watching Raw altogether since nothing really important happens there. When was the last time the World Title changed hands on a Raw? I can’t even remember now. HHH’s lenghty title reign has bred apathy among the fans, and the expectation that he’s going to win, or he’ll lose and win it back so quickly it won’t make a real difference. The World Title’s lost the one thing that makes it a vital part of RAW, the idea that there are people lined up around the block trying to get it, and that it’s POSSIBLE that someone could at any time. – Semi-Regular Tim Grandi
We have had our differences, but for once I TOTALLY agree with you…And I’m gonna f*cking boycott this shit and try to get my hands on a ROH dvd…I wanna see what all you guys are raving about cause it takes alot for you guys to rave about something…So in conclusion I say f*ck WWE…And let the boycott begin!!! – former YAM winner HabBeeb13
Exactly my point. WWE’s alienated the casual audience, and most of the people watching are die-hards. If enough die-hards are disgusted by this enough to turn off, maybe they’ll get the message, because they’re perfectly fine with the ratings as they are now.
I didn’t have to wait for Stephanie to come out, I just turned it as soon as I saw Vince. I’ve always been diehard, but it is starting to wear on me, especially after Summerslam. I’m not going to watch Smackdown tomorrow, and luckily I’m going away next week so I’m not going to watch either. I missed both of them last week too and didn’t care, just checked Scott’s rant and found out all I had to know. Do you know if taping counts towards ratings, because I always tape it for my brother and his girlfriend (both work second shift). Anyways, good column, later.
Yes, taping a show counts toward ratings.
Great Article! I couldn’t agree more I am finished with the WWE. I was in Europe from 98-02 and when I returned I started watching Raw for the most part every week and I keep waiting and waiting for something good to happen or develop and nothing. I have been falling asleep almost weekly and after this past Monday decided that it is time to stop watching all together! Spread the word the only way they will change and listen to their fans is if we say f*ck you and stop watching! I know alot of fans who are active duty all over the country who are with me as well! Quick note Conway was wearing Air Force Blue and was an E-3 Airman First Class, but you could pick it off immediately because the stripes were outdated, so they probably picked them up at a Goodwill on the way to the arena or something. – Shawn Gallagher, Staff Sergeant, US Air Force
No wonder I caught the rank right away. It’s more from my era of Army service than today (I had to do stuff on AF bases on occasion due to my health inspection job and involvement with AAFES things).
Your comments in regard to boycotting WWE programming made me feel like you were reading my mind. I have religiously watched Raw and Smackdown every week, but about halfway through the show (when Linda McMahon entered was the precise point), I just decided that they had wasted enough of my time and they were not going to waste it any more.
I think for the last eighteen months at least, I have only been watching to see how bad they would get before they pull the proverbial finger out of their ass and start being entertaining again. But each week its the same boring shit, meaningless matches, cringe worthy angles and weak as piss champions. Mediocrity is rewarded and excellence is punished Compelling, popular performers being left to do little else but hold their dicks. And it never gets better.
Last night I finally decided that the WWE would not waste my time and rot my brain cells any more. I would keep my eye on things online, and then watch it only when something actually happens, but I am not holding my breath.
And if I am ever tempted to buy a PPV or anything else WWE related I would buy it from my pirate source, someone I don’t mind handing over my cash to, so none of my hard earned money ever ends up going to a corporation that treats its customers with such contempt. – Georgia A
From the “Gail Kim Curse” department comes Roger Johnson…
Once again, from the files of Women Wrestlers Trying to Kill Each Other: They thought that grounding Gail would apparently reduce risks, but they were wrong. Notice that when Gail had her “chinlock” on Trish, that she had her elbow fully locked under Trish’s chin (instead of the forearm as it’s supposed to be), essentially making it a legit chokehold. You could definitely see the effects of this by the way Trish was coughing and grabbing her throat after the release of it (and to me this did not appear to be a sell, but rather legit)… something tells me that even OVW would be too good for Gail at this point… she may be a pretty face and all, but when she presents that much of a risk to her opponents, you have to draw the line.
The only problem being is that if WWE wants to put someone on the short bus, as they do with Gail Kim, they neglect stuff like this and let the push run. We’ve seen it before with Jeff Hardy (where they were pushing him during his most reckless, I-don’t-give-a-f*ck moments). We’ve seen it in a different way with TBS and Albert. You can’t just bury her like they did Nathan Jones due to the distinct lack of women right now (Jazz is out, Victoria’s exiled to Heat to get Stevie Richards over). So they’re going to take a calculated risk that she won’t kill anyone until such time as 1) she learns how to do those moves without hurting people or 2) she actually does hurt someone.
Jon Siebel tackles the thorny issue of Novocaine Helms and Rosey:
The way I see it, both of these guys know that they’re never gonna make it to the upper card-main event level. If’ they’re lucky they might get to mid-card sometimes. This angle, as silly as it is, is at least getting them camera time. They know it’s silly & has little or nothing to do w/ actual wrestling, but they do come across (at least IMO) as enjoying what they do. I can’t speak for the audience as a whole, of course, but I’m guessing that much of the crowd finds their vignettes entertaining & funny. So ultimately, since nobody seems to take this thing too seriously & they’re having fun w/ it, I don’t see how it could be damaging to anyone or anything.
The problem here is that they HAVE pushed Helms to upper-mid-card before during this angle. And I don’t care what the crowd thinks, I don’t find their vignettes entertaining and funny. I think they’re embarassing and they play into the hands of the people who denigrate wrestling because of how ridiculous it is. It’s hard enough to defend yourself publicly as a wrestling fan when the opposing side can point to shit like Novocaine Helms.
Jason Stapp is obviously a new reader:
I just started Lexapro about a week ago, just wondering if you’ve taken it before, and what you thought about it if you have been on it. I’ve tried to do a little bit of research on SSRI antidepressants, but I couldn’t find a whole lot of information on Lexapro (I guess because it’s so new). Just thought I’d ask and see if you had any input on the subject.
As any long-term reader of the column can tell you, yes, indeed, I have been on Lexapro. I found that it worked more effectively in a lower dose and had less side effects than Paxil did. I highly recommend it if you need an SSRI.
Memo to Mike Navalinski: Get everything you can from Wesley Willis. I don’t think he’d mind if you pirated it at this point. Everything of his is worth listening to.
This has gone on long enough, thank you. I’ve done five articles in four days and I’m trashed. I’ll take a couple days off and do something for Fleabag, then I’ll be back next week. Until then, enjoy the whole site, and I mean the whole site. Don’t just stick to the Wrestling area. Go off and scout out Games, Music, even Figures. Then come back for Grut.
About Eric Szulczewski
