Junk News, Huzzah! 08.28.03


First of all, last week was a major off week. Between insulting people with Down Syndrome and the grammatical errors, I think it might have been my worst column ever. So I apologize to all of my readers out there with Down Syndrome, readers who are family members of people with Down Syndrome, and everyone who read that entire piece of shit.

Go to Flea’s site. I live there too. Here.

That being said, let’s give the WWE’s newest Diva, Jaime Koeppe, a proper welcome.

Congratulations Jaime! Say Goodbye To A Private Life!

Jaime Koeppe won the WWE Diva Search contest, but she’s hardly new to the world of entertainment. Besides being a web designer, a fitness model, an athlete who can do everything from in-line skating to kick boxing, Jaime Koeppe is also an actress. She has had principle roles in commercials for Kohl’s Department store and Pure Motion films. You can check the second one out here. Look at the horror in her face as that evil dentist goes to town on Jaime’s character, an innocent school girl. More importantly to WWE fans, you can see Jaime Koeppe’s tits here. She has also been the host of a Girls Gone Wild rip off, and you can see her imply that she shows her boobies in the film in the long trailer found here.

Now, I’m not some scumbag digging into her personal life and exposing nude photos of the Canuck. The photo and all of the links I listed above come straight from Jaime’s personal website, www.jaimekoeppe.com. Jaime keeps a diary on the net, something I’m sure some dirt sheet writer will briefly go over and “expose” as news in a future newsletter. That is nothing that Jaime needs to be worried about. Jaime needs to be worried about the bad people, the mean people, the people who make up news about her. She is a fresh face, a relative unknown, and some people would rather make up a story about her then dig into her past and tell her flattering real story. I am NOT one of those people, so to extend a warm welcome to the contest winner and gorgeous model, I will now tell the true story of her life.

Jaime Koeppe was born on Christmas Day, 1981. Thanks to a huge cover up by the Catholic Church the world was deprived of knowing that Jaime Koeppe’s mother was a virgin and that Jaime is a miracle and possibly the second coming of Jesus Christ.

At the age of 4, Jaime first discovered that she was excellent at winning contests and looking pretty when she swept the NAMBLA awards. This of course led to controversy when Jaime admitted to dressing in drag to gain entry into the contest. It was the first time in the history of this prestigious event that the officially crowned NAMBLA Princess was actually a girl.

After spending the next four years of her life going to school in war torn Iran, Jaime Koeppe returned to Canada at the age 8 with a healthy coke problem. “Snort it, shoot it, put it on my head and dance around, I did it all with coke,” I dreamed Jaime saying to me last night. “Thank God I was able to kick that habit due to finding Jesus. By the way, I’m Jesus.”

Off drugs and ready to take the acting world by storm, a 9 year old Jaime Koeppe was sidetracked yet again when she shot and killed a bum.

Three years later Jaime Koeppe was released from prison. She immediately shot and killed another bum.

Jaime Koeppe was shanked in prison for refusing to put out to Big Bad Voodoo Momma. She died in there. Now she’s a WWE Diva, the first zombie to ever reach this prestigious position of prestige. Congrats, Jaime! Have fun being stalked by Chris Hyatte!


The WWE RAW rating has risen! Yes! Happy days are here again! You guys get the hookers, I’ll get the champagne! WE PARTY TONIGHT!

It looks like the Summerslam buy rate will be 30% lower than last years. Guys, cancel the hookers. I know they’re already paid for. The champagne is paid for also, but we can’t drink it now. Look, I’ll donate the champagne to an AA meetings and you give the hookers to some starving orphans. Now let’s slink home.

At Summerslam, Triple H once again retained his title against Goldberg. To everyone out there who pissed and moaned about how Triple H should have lost, it’s fake. Triple H has a prop. Even if he didn’t have the prop, you are still going to see him for at least half an hour on Monday Night. Learn to love him or stop watching!

Matt Hardy suffered a concussion and was unable to work Smackdown. I guess that match with Zach at Summerslam really took its toll on both competitors.

The McMahons were all very happy with how Raw came off, but they were a little upset that there were people beside themselves appearing on the show.

The creative team is aware that most of the wrestlers on the Raw roster are unhappy with their current direction. The creative team plans to remedy these feelings by buying the wrestlers ecstasy, cause damn if the creative team has idea one in their stupid Polish heads. (They’re all Polish, right? Don’t listen to me. Listen to the banner at the top of the page. Fight discrimination.)

It appears that Joanie Laurer has dropped her restraining order against X-Pac. Please God, let them fall in love and produce the most untalented child ever born.

Flea recapped the Quarter 1 Conference Call. It can be found here. Flea makes the point that boycotting the WWE now won’t make a difference because they’ll get our money in the long run. It’s a compelling and interesting piece littered with “quotation marks”. It really shows that Flea isn’t the bucket of shit we all thought he was.

Last night on NWA:TNA, Raven fought AJ Styles for the world title, and by the world I mean a hole in Nashville.

Look for a hot Smackdown tonight focusing on John Cena and Eddie Guerrero, as well as the reintroduction of the Undertaker to the main event scene. There are angles developed for Kurt Angle, Albert, Brock Lesnar, John Cena, the Undertaker, Eddie Guerroro, Rhyno, Chris Benoit and even the FBI. Next week on Raw, Triple H beats everyone and declares himself, let me check my notes, ah yes, “The Game.”
Did you know the Video Music Awards are tonight? No? What are you, retar retarring the roof of your house?

MTV loves the big surprise moment to open the show. I’m going to predict Johnny Cash will be involved with that somehow. Ben Affleck and Jennifer Lopez will kiss or make Gigli jokes, and Chris Rock will make half a billion jokes about 50 Cent getting shot.

Best Video: Right off the bat you have to get rid of Eminem’s Lose Yourself and 50 Cent’ In Da Club. I’m not here to argue for or against rap music. There is nothing remotely special about either video. That leaves Missy Elliott’s Work It, Justin Timberlake’s Cry Me a River, and Johnny Cash’s Hurt. If you’ve seen all three videos, which you probably haven’t, you know that Hurt deserves to win. As a matter of fact, Hurt might be the best music video of the past 10 years. Remember how mad Eminem was when he lost to Steely Dan at the Grammy’s? Don’t expect a repeat of that here, as MTV golden boy Justin Timberlake will win the award for his f.u. to Britney. Timberlake will also get best pop video, possible best dance video and best choreography, and he’ll be sobbing by the end of the night like a little bitch.

Best Male Video: 4 Best Video nominees and John Mayer. If Timberlake wins this one, expect a sweep. If Cash wins, Timberlake is still taking home best video. Expect Cash to win.

Best Female Video: Avril, J-Lo, Missy and Christina all deserve their nominations, but Beyonce is just so f*cking hot that no matter how much cow urine Christina bathed in for Dirty, Crazy in Love should win this award. Crazy in Love should also win best R&B Video.

Best Group Video: This should come down to the two groups who got screwed out of best video nominations by 50 Cent and Eminem, those groups being Coldplay for The Scientist and The White Stripes for Seven Nation Army. Instead, look for MTV butt boys Good Charlotte to win for lifestyles. What a shitty video that was. Coldplay should win. Charlotte will also beat White Stripes for best Rock video.

Best Rap Video: The only two nominated that didn’t remind me of either every movie music video or every rap video ever made were Tupac’s Thugz Mansion and Nas’ I Know I Can. While I have a feeling that Nas will score the surprise victory, look for 50 Cent to take home the moon ass guy.

Best Hip-Hop Video: They need to find an award to give Missy every year. I think we have a winner!

Quick Picks: Mya takes best dance video for Wooh or whatever it’s called. Sean Paul gets f*cked over as 50 Cent takes best new artist. In what might be the highest profile category as far as stardom is concerned, Eminem beats Britney and Madonna and a shockingly cheated JC Chasez to win Best Video from a Film. MTV 2 Award I like AFI or Queens of the Stone Age. Kelly Clarkson will shock the world when she takes home the viewers choice award unless she loses which is more likely. Coldplay will take home breakthrough video. Cash will win best direction unless it’s a Timberlake sweep. Missy’ll win best special effects. Queens of the Stone Age get the art direction award. Cash damn sure better win best editing and cinematography in a video. And that’s it.

In the end, look for Cash to win a lot but Timberlake to take home the big prize. Also, look for Chris Rock to be shot by 50 Cent by the end of the night.


Well, this match this weekend went the worst possible way it could without anyone getting hurt.

I had to be at the train station to meet a few of the people that I was driving up with (because I haven’t gotten around to getting my license, I don’t drive) at 6 am. I arrived at 6:02 am, and the veterans gave me shit. They told me that the green guys must always be early and that if I made them wait for me ever again, they were going to get me in the ring. I was scared shitless.

So, we arrive in New Serepta, Alberta at around two in the afternoon, just in time for the autograph signing that was taking place there for all the wrestlers. We head into town, which conceded of about three total streets, and make our way into a bar, which is where the autographs were taking place. Not one person in there came up and asked any of the wrestlers (not that there were many that were actually worth getting) autographs. So we just sat around eating, and talking.

I met my opponent about three hours before the show, and pulled her aside to see what she was able to do in the ring and not. She told me that she had two years experience, and that she had about ten matches to date. I was pretty excited to get in the ring with someone that I had never been in with, and had two years behind her.

I asked her to give me a few punches and kicks so I could see what to expect. She fell on her ass trying to kick me, so Mike, one of the veterans I had come up with, gave her a few pointers, by practicing on me! Man, I’m sure glad I wasn’t wrestling him that night. If those were his weak kicks, I don’t want to see his show kicks!

We went inside the hockey arena we were wrestling in, and I told her I was going to start out with a lock up, she grabs my arm, arm bar, hammerlock, I reverse, headlock, Mexican headlock, hammerlock, headlock, headlock take over. After that I was going to call I pull her up, she hit me off the ropes, I give her a shoulder tackle, and then she drops down, and gives me a hip toss. From there, we call it. We had our finish we me going over, with a sharpshooter.

We did the chain wrestling before the match, so I knew what she was able to do. She did it ok, I had to train her through all of it though (She’s had two years, I’ve had one. Explain that)

I went out to the ring, and we locked up, and she just stood there. So I whispered, take the arm, so she grabbed my arm, and twisted it behind for the hammerlock. She used the wrong arm, so there was no way I was able to reverse it. So I said other arm. After about ten seconds, she switched arms. I reverser that hammerlock, and then put her in a headlock, and I did a few chain wrestling moves on her.

I gave her a headlock takeover, and pulled her back up. She didn’t do anything, so I said, hit me off the ropes. She did that, and I called the shoulder tackle spot. I came off the ropes, and she tried giving me a clothesline. I was damn pissed. I gave her the shoulder tackle anyway, and the bump she took proved that she had never been in a ring before in her life. She started to cry in the middle of the ring

I looked down at her to go and do the rest of the spot, and she just sat there, so I knew that she would screw it up if I tried to do it. So I kicked her a few times, trying to get her to do anything but sit there and cry. I put her in the sharp shooter, because it was the only thing I could think of to do.

I put her in a few more submissions, when I had her in front of me, punching her. I told her to kick me. She did, and then stood there. I was so pissed at this point that I wanted to kick her ass so bad. The next thing she did made me do it.

She got me to the ground, and then put me in a shoot submission, that’s a real submission. I got to the ropes in a whole 1.2 seconds, and then sat there in pain. AND DO YOU KNOW WHAT SHE DID? Nothing! She sat down on the ring and didn’t go after me more, which is what you should always do after you put them in a submission.

I got up, not selling anything anymore, and picked her up by her hair. She started crying again. I picked her up and throw her to the ropes. I then choked her on the ropes. I picked her up, and gave her a body slam. I figured that I could use my other finish to end the match. So I set her up, and gave her my flying elbow.

After the match, I was so pissed that I didn’t even bother going back to the locker room. I later found out that she said I was saying things that were too complicated, and that it was my fault that this had happened.

Mike later told me, when we were driving home, that he had talked to the promoter and told him that if he ever brought that girl to the company again, that he would make sure that none of his guys would ever make it back up to RCW. Mike makes the final decision on which wrestlers from HWC (company I train with) go up to the RCW shows, for he is one of our coaches that train us, so he would know who is ready or not. He also told me that I did a very great job holding the match together, and he felt that I would make it quite far, for I acted liked a veteran during this match. It was great hearing that from him.

I talked to the promoter after the show and I think he was impressed that I was able to get through that match to. I was told that she was burnt out after about 30 seconds of being in the ring.

So, over all, I had a really fun time listening to the veterans in the car ride up there, and it was a great experience. My first match outside Calgary.

And to Mrs. Velvet, just because you watch WWE for two years, DOES NOT mean that you have had two years training.


Now that’s a wrestling column. Eat it Edge. Eat it hard.

Grutman has left the computer.