Welcome back to The Bootleg. I’ll be announced as the newest member of Theodore R. Long’s faction next week, so cheque your local listings. We’re celebratin’ the start of Labor Day weekend here at The Mania! All the usual content (Keith! Mathan! Smilo!) with a fraction of our usual readers. From The Bootleg to all y’all, please have a safe n’ sound holiday, kids. If, after three days of cold hot dogs and warm beer, you feel like giving that sweaty special someone a stab from your ‘pork sword’, for the love of Jeebus: wear a freakin’ jimmy hat.
Each and every one of these columns from now until April 9, 2004 will feature a weekly section of Mrs. Bootleg’s pregnant exploits thinly disguised as a Public Service Announcement. I may not reach all of you, but if my own personal nightmare makes just one of y’all roll up the block to the Korean Liquor Store for a three-pack of $12 Trojans, then I’ve done my part. Hey, while you’re there, pick me up some apple Jolly Ranchers. Is that still the official candy of Black folk?
College football, crowded freeways and copious amounts of Goodness…it’s a Labor Day Tradition…
From Wanda To Bunz To Ray
One of the most underrated actors in the game right now has finished filming of the Ray Charles biopic, Unchain My Heart. Jamie Foxx, who was excellent as the brash QB in the otherwise awful Any Given Sunday and deserved an Oscar nod for his supporting part in the also terrible Ali, plays the blind musical legend. I really hope that the movie includes a reenactment of Charles’ cameo from an early episode of Who’s The Boss? Remember? It’s the one where Samantha’s (Alyssa Milano) boyfriend dumps her, so Ray appears and him and Tony Danza bust out a duet or something. On my top 10 underrated hot chick list, Milano is top five, easy.
Just…Play…Videos
If there was ever any doubt that reality TV must die, there’s news of the latest endeavor from the good people at MTV. The quasi-network has reportedly offered Eminem’s mom, Debbie, her own weekly show. And weren’t we all just waitin’ for a peek into the mind of manic-depressive trailer trash? I mean, isn’t Country Music Television already available as part of your basic cable? Oh, and make sure y’all sign that online petition goin’ around to get Bill Bellamy back on MTV. If it keeps him from makin’ another Fastlane or Men, Women & Dogs, I’m all for it.
Say Hello To My Little Friend 2K3
Can y’all keep a secret? I’m probably the only brutha who has never seen Scarface. Don’t tell my frat brothers at Lambda Lambda Lambda my hidden shame. I’m in luck, though, because not only is Universal re-releasing the flick as a two-disc 20th anniversary DVD…the movie company is teaming with Def Jam Entertainment to make it happen! Yeah. Bonus materials include a 20-minute piece with P. Diddy, Snoop, Eve and, yes, Scarface on how the movie shaped their music. P. Diddy? Well, of course…I’ve heard so much about the scene where Tony Montana puts on his shiniest suit and mumbles incoherently over an established beat from the ’80s. DVD is in stores September 30.
Used To Call Me Fatso
M’man Ruben Studdard was back in the news this week. You’ve probably all heard about the drama surrounding the makers of those garish 205 jerseys the fat man wore during his performances on American Idol. Now, it’s been announced that both R. Kelly and Missy Elliott have plans to work on Ruben’s debut album, Soulful. What was not announced was the fact that Kelly is using this as a transparent opportunity to rebuild his fractured reputation, while Missy has longed to work with someone with more neck rolls and sweat glands than her. Oh, hey, by the by…that ‘205’? It turns out it’s his local area code and not his birth weight. Lost a bet to the wife on that one.
Hey…Another List!
Jimi Hendrix was recently named the greatest guitarist of all time by Rolling Stone magazine. He topped the mag’s list of the 100 greatest pluckers ever that included a few people I’ve heard of: Keith Richards, Bo Diddley and Chuck Berry. And lots of people I haven’t: Kirk Hammett, Jack White and Ali Farke Toure. Two quick points…One, does every 411 columnist know that Rolling Stone is stealing their list gimmick? Two, can anyone tell me if the following people made the Top 100: The Honky Tonk Man, Van Hammer, Greg “The Pelvis” Valentine and Barry Zito?
An Even Less Relevant Awards Show Than The VMAs
The nominees for the 2003 Source Awards were announced this week. If you’ve never heard of them, just think of The Oscars meeting FUBU, with an occasional riot (sorry, “civil unrest”) in the audience.
Here’s a partial list of nominees, with some Bootleg commentary:
Female Artist of the Year: Eve, Missy Elliott, Lil Kim, Ms. Jade and Trina
Source Magazine gave Kim’s Bella Mafia joint 4.5 mics-out of five. I’m not suggestin’ that her and Source Magazine owner Benzino are doin’ ‘the bad thing on the good foot’, but they are. Kim wins, even though Missy outclasses them all.
Breakthrough Artist of the Year: Bone Crusher, 50 Cent, Clipse, David Banner and The Diplomats
The clear-cut winner, 50 Cent, has been feuding with Benzino and The Source for months. 50 won’t be in attendance, either, but I can’t see how he doesn’t win here. If beef wins out, look for the obscenely obnoxious Bone Crusher to steal this one.
Single of the Year/Male: In Da Club-50 Cent, Hot in Herre-Nelly, Rock The Party-Benzino, Thugz Mansion-2Pac and Good Times-Styles
Hey, what a shock…the owner of the sponsor magazine and executive producer of the show is up for an award! Look for the less commercial Styles to snag this one as some sort of message against “mainstream” rap (i.e. 50).
Male Artist of the Year: Jay-Z, Nelly, Baby, LL Cool J and Ja Rule
Need anymore proof of the biased slant of these awards? Like ’em or not, excluding 50 Cent and Eminem from this category is only slightly more putrid than including Baby and The Source’s personal “House Negro”, Ja Rule.
Ashish has all your nominees right c’here.
Hey, I Liked Anaconda
Ice Cube has been responsible for some pretty decent films like Barbershop and Friday, as well as some not so hot ones like all the Friday sequels. Now, he’s bringing the true story of Willie Davis to the big screen. Davis was a full time janitor who became head coach at a Junior High in Louisiana. This sounds like it’s got potential in a Lean On Me kind of way. Speakin’ of which, I seriously hope that Jermaine “Huggy” Hopkins is available for a part. His starring role in Phat Beach touched me in places I didn’t know I had.
Didn’t You Used To Be…II
Y’all remember Amil from 1998’s rap anthem Can I Get A…don’t you? Well, don’t you? Fortunately, someone found the one-room shanty in Manchester, CT that’s she’s been callin’ home for the last three years to ask her what the hell happened to her career. She blames everyone from Jay-Z’s personal assistant to Foxy Brown to her own weight gain as the reasons she was dumped from the Jigga’s Roc-A-Fella label in 2000. Not surprisingly, she fails to cite the poor sales of her 2000 debut joint All Money Is Legal. We can say this much about Jay-Z, if you ain’t movin’ units, he’ll find a new “Bonnie” to roll with. Just ask Foxy…you can find her at The Hot Spot.
Sometimes The News Just Writes Itself
Mrs. Bootleg’s second favorite TV show has turned its “eye” to hip hop. Queer Eye for the Straight Guy recently unleashed their fashion guru Carson Kressley on the styles of 50 Cent and Eminem. The results need nothin’ further from me:
On Em’s stage attire of jogging pants, visor and sweatband:
“This is a good look for him,” Kressley said. “Show me some skin. I love good skin art. We’ve got the sweatband on, which keeps the sweat from dripping in his face. It helps the mascara from running, if you know what I mean. He puts the hip in hip-hop.”
On 50’s tank top/denim get up:
“50 Cent, quite a hottie,” Kressley said. “He looks like a million dollars — Canadian dollars, but a million dollars.”
On 50’s physique:
“Does he have a permit for those guns?” Kressley asked. “My god, look at that body! I can’t say anything wrong about that. Mmm, chocolate thunder. He’s giving me the jungle fever. Take my temperature.”
General Haberdashery
Mathan goes toe-to-toe with an indignant reader and promises a return to the lists very soon.
Smilo explores the complexities of the Judaic faith & East Coast concert spots…in a very special episode of The Sunday Paper. Great schtuff here, as always…
Fernandez takes on a MAJOR monthly magazine. And be lookin’ out for the next installment from 411’s own version of World’s Finest, co-starrin’ the esteemed Mr. E, shortly.
Junk Mail
It’s time to dust off those Oliver Stone hats, kids. A longtime friend of this column has suggested that there’s a thinly veiled diss at 50 Cent in the following Guru verse from their latest joint, Ownerz. I told him I’d turn the evidence over to my enlightened readers. This is from Riot Akt. Is he right or a freakin’ loon?
Just like a thunderous gun clap, you wonder who done that
Put you under with one rap, me and the brothers have come back
We’ll lash you for tryin that, we know you been lyin cat
So now you be lyin flat, we’ll read you the riot act
Whassup you little f*ck, get your life right
Cause there’s too much goin in the world, and shit ain’t quite right
See you’re just addin to the problem
Young gun, high-strung, ready to trey-eight revolve ’em
Knot nearly in your waist, you step up in the place
Catch one off guard, he lookin silly in the face
But hear they come with the M-16’s
They got teargas, helmets and clubs – knahmean?
It’s martial law in these streets
It’s like Afghanistan man, it’s gettin raw in the streets
Still you demand your rights, I understand your plight
But do the knowledge if you plan to fight
The Seal of Goodness
Just some general pimpin’, kids. I failed to give them a shout out last week, but it turns out that Fernandez gave ’em their props in his column. Still, if you haven’t already, do yourself a favor and hit up the good people at Acid Planet.
The Bootleg Versus…
This week I received some mail from a few readers of ESPN’s excellent Page 2 site. They’ve been reviewing ballparks all summer and came down pretty hard on Network Associates Coliseum, home to the mighty A’s. A point-by-point rebuttal would probably bore non-baseball fans to tears, so instead, here’s the Bootleg’s Official (and Pretentious) Position…
Sorry, but I agree with ESPN’s comments on the “The Net” more often than not. I do think the A’s home got shafted on:
“Souvenirs” (as the Coliseum features shops n’ kiosks that sell standard merchandise like caps and jerseys and off-the-wall stuff like polyester skull caps and chick shorts).
“Ticket Availability & Trading Up” (The A’s don’t draw dick during the week, so it’s easy to get tix and move down to field level once the game’s started).
“Fan Knowledge” (You’ll never hear an A’s fan ask how many “points” does the other team have or cheer the Outbreak monkey, like I experienced in Anaheim earlier this season.)
This week, Page 2 has also been lookin’ at the age-old question of East Coast Bias in the world of sports. Nothin’ too earth-shatterin’, but they do have an irreverent comparative study of the four U.S. regions, including best fast food joint, best hip hop icon and hottest chick. My quick n’ random thoughts:
In-N-Out Burger is vastly overrated, but infinitely better than the sludge they serve up at Roy Rogers or White Castle.
Ashley Judd over Jennifer Lopez…? Not in this, or any other lifetime.
There is no more played out or incorrect stereotype than the West Coast fan that shows up late and leaves early. It just ain’t true, people.
They call San Diego a “rising hip city”. Always good to see ESPN is only five years behind the curve.
Coming Soon
The review for the new Bow Wow album has been up for a minute. I had to sit through it, so the least y’all can do is read it. Misery loves company and all. The review for the new Snoop mixtape is completed and will be up this weekend. I’ll try’n have the new Mary J. Blige album done by the end of the holiday.
Oh, before I forget…last Tuesday was a great day for the Goodness. I received my Rickey Henderson jersey in the mail from a recent ebay purchase and the King of all Thangs East hook’d me up with advance copies of The Mixtape Reloaded Vol. 1-4, Jay-Z’s The Blueprint 2.2 (not to be confused with the previously released 2.0 and 2.1) and 98 Collabos, Vol. 1-2. A full, pouty and supple review of this smorgasbord of wall-to-wall, never before compiled hits is comin’ at’cha in next week’s Bootleg.
Oakland A’s Update: I don’t wanna say nothin’ to jinx the roll they’re on.
Scared Str8
Jared has nothin’ on Mrs. Bootleg. Last weekend, she finished off not one, but two footlong turkey subs in about a four hour span. Amazingly, it only took her five bites, combined. Every other pregnant woman “glows”…mine goes into food coma on the couch, sweatin’ out mayo, onions and vinegar.
I need to talk to someone who isn’t expecting a baby. Get at me on AOL or Yahoo IM: ajcameron13
