For Your Listening Pleasure
Johnny Cash ? American IV: The Man Comes Around
While the album is by no means a classic, Cash?s versions of Depeche Mode?s ?Personal Jesus? and Nine Inch Nails? ?Hurt? are worth giving it at least a listen, and let?s just say that if his video doesn?t win the Video Music Award?
Running Diary of the 2003 MTV VMAs
Since I debuted this column after last year?s MTV Video Music Awards, I figured what better way to celebrate my year-long run than with the Second Annual Running Diary of what?s traditionally been the most entertaining music award show on TV? Of course, I hope that ESPN.com?s Bill Simmons can forgive the gimmick infringement.
Let?s get on with it!
8:00 ? Well, it looks like 20 years later, Britney?s gonna reenact Madonna?s famous performance? looking a what she?s wearing, I can think of a lot of worse ways to start a show?
8:01 ? Wow, that look of disgust on Mary J.?s face when Christina unveils is priceless. Christina and Britney on the same stage? Brit better watch out, ?cause SOMEone has a MUCH better voice than her!
8:02 ? Holy shit, this just got kicked up a notch? Madonna comes out, and puts them BOTH to shame. She?s twice their age and so f?n hot. I can?t even begin to describe the thoughts going through my mind right now as all three of them dance ? and good thing, ?cause my girlfriend?s gonna be reading this. All I have to say is, Madonna?s got one lucky microphone?
8:04 ? THE KISS. I forgot to mention this before, but I?m watching this taped, I can?t lie, and it was incredibly hard to avoid hearing about THE KISS. As short as it was (basically an open-mouthed, slightly tongue-involved peck from Madonna on Britney, and then on Christina (or is it still ?Xtina??)), I already love this show. Even though whoever?s directing this decided to cut to show Justin?s reaction to THE KISS instead of showing the complete Madonna/Christina smooch. And now MISSY comes out? Those four on the same stage were pretty impressive ? let?s see If Chris Rock, just stepping out of the same wedding cake, is as impressive.
8:07 ? Chris Rock kicks ass. Jokes about how ?MTV turns 20 this year, which means in a few years MTV is gonna start watching VH-1,? and how even though it?s the VIDEO music awards, but MTV doesn?t show videos anymore. Some other highlights:
– Justin getting Punk?d made him turn into a white boy all of a sudden
– Ashton dating Demi is actually him punking Bruce Willis ? watch out he?ll take your daughter AND your wife
– With all of the fat R&B singers dead or sick, Ruben better watch out, ?cause he?s named after a sammich
– Paula Abdul judging a singer is like getting Christopher Reeve to judge a dance contest
– With all of these rap feuds, you have to watch where you sit people? keep 50 Cent away from Ja Rule, Jay Z away from Nas, the Olsen twins away from R. Kelly?
8:15 ? Lebron James has this NBA Pimp thing down pat, and what is he, 18? And he?s made 120 million already in endorsements without playing a GAME? Smart move by Ashanti giving him that kiss, after she tried to deny him.
8:17 ? Best Hip Hop video goes to Missy, even though I was rooting for Snoop?s best single in years to take this one. But, hey, Missy is Missy, and I can?t complain if she sweeps this year. Her videos are hot, she flows better maybe than any woman in hip hop (at least in the top 3), and check out that hat. Seriously, now. Did anyone else have a shot?
8:20 ? I?m watching this with the gf, and she just pointed out that the camera flashed to Method Man, who?s conveniently wearing a ?Method Man? t-shirt. How brilliant. I?ll admit it, sometimes with all 9 or 10, depending on who?s counting and who?s in jail, members of Wu Tang Clan, sometimes it?s hard to remember which one is which. I tell ya, giving them all name-tags is just smart, period. Especially Old Dirty Bastard? or is it Big Baby Jesus? or is it Dirk McGirt?
8:26 ? Okay, what the hell is up with that new MTV commercial, showing musicians with their instruments, accompanied by a ?sex-o-meter?? You know the one: the guitarist tops out, the tuba player hardly registers on the meter. There?s no reason the drummer and guitarist shouldn?t be at LEAST tied. Just sayin?.
8:27 ? Good Charlotte?s on, and they sound pretty good, the same as they do on the radio, even though his voice is a bit off. I always wondered about them: now that they?re rich and famous, how long before they write songs complaining about fame? And what will they do when the little punk kids start stealing from ?em?
8:30 ? Chris Rock: ?Good Charlotte, a mediocre Green Day.? He?s awesome.
8:32 ? Cool remix in the intro music for Kelly Clarkson and Ludicris, as they come out to present best R&B video, and rightly show respect to Luther Vandross. Beyonce/Jay-Z win the best R&B award, but Beyonce?s breasts win the battle with gravity by JUST staying in her dress. Too bad.
8:33 ? Does this new cinematography bother anyone else? It?s the second year with this movie-like weird-ass film technique (I?m too lazy to look up its technical name), and I don?t see why they keep using it? it would be fine for the ?Best of the VMAs? highlight specials, but it takes a lot away from the ?live? feel.
8:39 ? Sean Paul and Evanescence come out to stumble over their words and announce the winner of Best Video from a Film, and if ?Lose Yourself? doesn?t win, all bets are off. Seriously, does JC, Madonna or that HORRIBLE song by Britney from Austin Powers have any way of beating possibly the best hip hop single in years? Didn?t think so.
8:42 ? Dennis Leary?s Voice and the rest of the ?Crank Yankers? cast do a cute little ?Viewers Choice Phonebank? skit. CY?s gotta be on the short list of shows I?ve heard a lot about and think I?d really like but have never seen. Others on the list:
– ?Six Feet Under? ? I saw one episode and it was great, but I?ve never gotten around to following up on that?
– ?Buffy? ? Eye candy AND good, smart storylines? How I watch ESPN?s ?Playmakers? and Spike TV?s ?Joe Shmoe?, yet have never watched this is beyond me?
– ?8 Rules For Dating My Teenage Daughter? ? John Ritter is one of my favorite TV sit-com stars ever, and if I didn?t already watch so much television, this would be on my list, but for now I?ll have to hope it lasts long enough to end up in re-runs, like ?Raymond? and some others I catch now and then?
8:49 ? Nelly and Murphy Lee come out to introduce Christina to sing ?Dirty?, and we finally get our first shameless rap album plug of the show for ?Murphy?s Law?, in record stores soon!
8:50 ? There she is, and what?s with all the clothes? Method Man joins her, or at least I think that?s Meth ? if only he had kept that ?Method Man? t-shirt on so I could make sure. No wait, that?s Redman! He?s got such a cool voice, and I?m embarrassed over that momentary lapse ? which reminds me, Christina really has to pick out songs that showcase her voice more. ?Dirrty? and her new single work fine during the hooks, but live versions of the songs don?t do them justice vocally, only visually. Dave Navarro is this year?s R&B Guest Guitarist, the role that Slash and Lenny Kravitz have perfected in years past.
8:55 ? Iggy Pop and Outkast come out to give the MTV2 Award, in tonight?s winner so far of most surprisingly comfortable presenters? and Outkast brings the Shamless Rap Record Plug count to 2!
8:57 ? The MTV 2 Award goes to AFI, when Common should have run away with this one. It?s a shame a band that does nothing special at all, simply sounding like every other wannabe punks out there, wins an award that?s supposed to represent the more cutting edge/alternative MTV network, when someone as smart, talented and progressive (in lyricism at least) as Common once again gets overlooked.
9:03 ? ?They?re barely legal and he?s got a subscription to Barely Legal?? ? Chris Rock introduces The Olsen Twins and David Spade. They?re 17, boys, almost there.
9:05 ? Best Pop Video has to be either Justin?s cool-ass Britney dis-video, Avril?s sk8r party in the streets, or Kelly Clarkson?s surprisingly solid ?Miss Independent?, but I would have to go with Kelly here. Of course, it?s Justin, who it seems is going to sweep these awards this year.
9:07 ? Puffy comes out and gives nice shout-outs to Barry White and Gregory Hines? then introduces Rev. Run and DMC to the stage as everyone in the moshpit area raises their addidas up to Jam Master Jay. Very touching tribute. And a solid message: it?s not why Jay died, but why we?re still here? Fitting that they then moved on, and introed the Best Rap Video, who?s nominees include a guy who?s been shot 9 times, and a guy dead for around a decade. Nas should have won this award, but ?In Da Club? is a hot single, and there?s no way MTV lets this Moon Man go to anyone else.
9:18 ? Just thought I?d mention that I?m ignoring the STUPID Nick/Jessica segments.
9:21 ? Best Group Video goes to Coldplay, ?The Scientist?. Good choice ? if this video or the ultra-cool White Stripes video lost out to Good Charlotte, it would have been a sham. Like the songs or not, this is a VIDEO awards show after all?
9:21 ? Eminem is here, and he has apparently entered an anger management program for violence towards puppets. This is a funny little tribute to his exchange last year with Triumph, the insult dog, minus the Moby taunting of course. Of course, the puppet from ?Crank Yankers? gets the worst of it, and they introduce 50 Cent.
9:25 ? Now don?t get me wrong, 50 Cent, as over rated (I get in trouble whenever I use that phrase!) as he is, CAN rhyme and has something smooth about his flow ? or maybe it?s just the lisp caused by one of his bullet wounds ? BUT Snoop steals the show as soon as he walks out on stage here. And what?s this? No bulletproof vest for 50 Cent?
9:35 ? Jimmy Fallon comes out to present the award for Best Female Video with the Fab Five from ?Queer Eye?, and it got me thinking. So far on this show, we?ve had Iggy Pop and Outkast, who had surprising chemistry, Eminem and a puppet, and now these guys. But if your job was coming up with these combinations, wouldn?t you mix it up even a bit more? This show is already bordering on mediocre, yet there would have been so much to gain by, say, teaming Eminem up with the Fab Five. MTV should hire me to plan this stuff out for them?
9:45 ? Fred Durst brings Jack Black out ? apparently it?s his birthday, and he?s transformed into a fat, white Michael Jackson. Excuse me as I lose my shit ? Jack does a flawless Michael Jackson impersonation, even mistakenly accepting a ?Super Genius of the World? award. Oh, and Linkin Park wins Best Rock Video, surprisingly beating out Metallica. Okay, who am I kidding, ?St. Anger? may be the worst song I?ve ever heard. That?s including ?Stop That Train? by Vanilla Ice, or anything by Brian Austin Green.
9:50 ? Mary J. Blige shows why no one else on the current female R&B scene matters, and brings Method Man and 50 Cent out to make the case for her. Seriously, Christina?s got pipes, but she relies too much on her sex appeal ? as was the case in the opening performance tonight ? and not enough on showing her stuff. Britney has no choice but to flaunt her T&A, since she can?t sing worth the shit, but Christina?s actually got a voice. Janet was always more pop and flash than R&B to me anyway ? I?m sure a lot of people will disagree with that ? and Whitney?s great, but what have either of them done lately? I guess you can argue that Mariah, Beyonce or someone else really deserves the recognition as ?Queen of R&B?, but Mary J. is in a class by herself.
10:00 ? I feel so bad for Duran Duran. You can?t screw up an award presentation more than this one? awkward timing, no sound on the Lifetime Achievement Award video package, and can anyone tell me why Avril AND Kelly Osbourne were needed there?
10:04 ? Best Dance Video goes to ? Justin. Moving on?
10:11 ? Actually, let?s get back to Justin. I guess I can understand what girls see in him ? he?s good looking, when he performs he?s got a great deal of confidence going on, and then when he talks in an interview or in a more ?natural? setting, he?s nothing but a dorky mama?s boy. It makes me think that if only I could sing and dance, and maybe got a makeover from those Queer Eye guys, I would have gotten ALL the ladies I could handle back when I was Justin?s age? I hate him.
10:12 ? Okay, now I really hate him. Coldplay?s the ?greatest band in the world???? First of all, no. That?s Tenacious D. Second of all, how can a wannabe Radiohead be better than Radiohead? That?s at least one band better than them. I?m trying to keep this column under 7000 words, so no time to name them all now.
10:16 ? I never realized how much taller Venus Williams is than her sister Serena. They?re out to present Best Male Video, and let?s just say that I?m pulling for John Mayer, for the sole reason of seeing how he handles himself next to the Williams sisters. The Unintentional Comedy possibilities are endless.
10:18 ? I take that back, Johnny Cash?s amazing ?Hurt? video should have won, but Justin of course takes it, and at least takes the time to give Cash a bit of respect, but I?m disappointed in MTV for not doing the right thing and just giving him his due. Maybe I?m falling for all the sentimentality here, but sue me?
10:26 ? Best New Artist time, and I have one question: are there two more overrated celebrity women than Pam Anderson and Mya? Pam has a great body, whatever shape it?s currently in, and Mya?s got a BIT of sex appeal, but both their faces are disgusting, especially when you put that in perspective to how much people love them.
10:28 ? 50 Cent takes the award, to no surprise, for Best New Artist, but what?s more significant is his Shameless Plug of the upcoming Obie Trice album ? bringing the count up to 3.
10:33 ? Jay Z finally makes an appearance, during Beyonce?s strip-tease/performance. I?m struggling to figure out if she?s actually singing, lip synching or what. Half the time she doesn?t even seem to be bothering to make it look real ? others it seems like she?s adjusting a head-set mic, but I?ll be damned if I can see the bloody thing. And that shameless Pepsi pimping during her performance was disgusting. But back to Jay Z. Has he even HAD a video this year? I know he released two versions of his album, and is touring, making a lot of noise all over the hip hop world, but I feel like the only times I?ve heard his name on this year?s VMAs was based on his guest spot on the Beyonce song. With all the talk about Eminem and 50 Cent, sometimes you forget just how skilled Jay Z is. Well, that is, until he comes out and completely steals the show like he just did from Beyonce.
10:41 ? Chris Rock really is the best part of this show. Note to MTV: please, next year, get Chris Rock back, add more performances and just cut all the award presentations.
10:42 ? Ben Stiller and Drew Barrymore try their hand at the Shameless Plug, since they have the fun looking Duplex coming out soon. As Drew called it, it was indeed the ?most Caucasian attempt at plugging your own movie? ? nice.
10:43 ? Viewers Choice nominees: Kelly Clarkson, 50 Cent, Justin, Eminem, Beyonce, Good Charlotte. Justin and Kelly? Haven?t I seen this somewhere before? Wow, Good Charlotte with the upset. They actually make a pretty good point: ?no one at MTV would care about this band without all the kids that come to our shows and the Warped Tour?. That really is the only way anyone that?s not also nominated for Best Dance Video will get noticed on MTV ? touring, touring, touring.
10:50 ? At this point, with the show winding down, Chris Rock introduces ?Mr. Deeds and Mr. Weeds?: Adam Sandler and Snoop Dogg. They?re out to present the Best Video of the Year to either Eminem, 50 Cent , Justin or Beyonce (I?m saying that without knowing who the nominees are, mind you). This show has been so predictable it?s insane. Actual nominees are Missy, 50 Cent, Eminem, Justin, and Johnny Cash. If Johnny Cash doesn?t win this award, it will be a travesty. Of course, how can Justin beat Cash for best MALE, but not best VIDEO? Doesn?t make sense. So that means Justin wins it. The winner is? Wow. Missy Elliott. Not a bad choice, but it still hurts that Johnny didn?t get the upset here.
10:55 ? Here?s the test, and the last chance to save this mediocre show: The VMAs? FAMOUS Finale. And it is? Metallica covering the last 20 years of MTV hits? This can possibly be worse than Axl?s voice last year? I never thought I?d see this. Lenny Kravitz/Nirvana/White Stripes/Michael Jackson riffs covered by Hetfield, Ulrich & company? I hope they?re paying their royalties ? wouldn?t want anyone suing them for stealing their copyrighted songs. The performance itself is kinda cool, but overall a disappointment ? basically like everything Metallica?s put out since the Black Album.
Talk about a downer. Good thing the show?s opening is being played over and over and over again ? on MTV, on ESPN, on the news channels ? ?cause if not for THE KISS, this year?s VMAs would have nothing special at all to show for itself. Sure, there were a couple of fun segments ? the ?Crank Yankers? stuff, Eminem?s continuing feud with puppets (I wonder if those Avenue Q characters were watching, ?cause they may be next!), the Jack Black segment? And Chris Rock is Chris Rock ? solid and funny as always. Even so, that ?grand finale? did nothing but leave me with a bad taste my mouth?
Until next year?
peace. love. moe.
– Mm
Till My Head Falls Off was found weekly on 411 Music from 2002-2004, as well as on moodspins and 1-42.
