Sometimes I don’t know if there are any wrestling jokes left to make. I’ve recycled the same Triple H joke 5000 times. I’ve misspelled Eddie Guerrero’s last name so much that it is hardly noticeable anymore. My use of the term ‘Team Lenny and Carl’ for Shelton Benjamin and Charlie Haas is not only now unfunny, it is racist and thus evil. I run in place as others around me strive for greatness in the wrestling writing game, and I wonder if anyone cares. I wonder if anyone actually gives a crap whether I come up with funny jokes or if I just die. Then I got the following letter last week:
Dear Shitbag,
You don’t know me but I know you. I know where you at. Don’t sleep, cause you won’t wake up. Stop writing your column NOW.
Coming To Kill You,
Your Worst Nightmare
I thought about what that letter meant. I meditated long and hard on it, and it suddenly hit me: You do care! Thanks for reading Nightmare, and thanks for hating me enough to want to kill me.
OUR HEROES HAVE RETURNED!
I know. I thought he was really dead this time.
The most awesome site in the world might be pushing it a bit, but it’s good.
For a good laugh. Check outBFP at the DDT.com. A waste he’s not here.
JUNK NEWS! HUZZAH!
Slow news week, but when is there ever a fast news week when you’re talking about wrestling rumors?
It was the Raw brand who mostly wrote Summerslam. Ah, so that explains the scene where Brock Lesnar was begging Triple H to let Brock suck his dick.
Kevin Nash was not on Raw on Monday night because he was filming his role in The Punisher vs. Super Shredder. No word yet on Kevin Nash’s role in the film.
Triple H does not understand why Hollywood has not given him the same acceptance as The Rock or Stone Cold. What a great question! Allow me to answer it through a complicated scientific procedure in which I take the variables of the xy component in the fourth HE SUCKS! YOU SUCK YOU SUCKY ACTOR! YOU CAN’T ACT SUCKO! WANT A PART? STOP SUCKING AS AN ACTOR!
The script for Predator 3, was written with The Rock in mind. If I may be serious for a moment, pass Rock. Pass on this crap. One good Predator movie was made, and it gave way to a shitty sequel, shitty comic books, shitty video games and now probably another shitty sequel. Run, Rock. Run away.
The WWE has hired Tom Barreca to take their extensive video library and transform it into new sources of revenue. Oddly enough, Tom Barreca is well known for launching several cable networks. Could this be the beginning of an All-Wrestling network? Could we see every match ever filmed placed online and available at a dollar a match, similar to Apple’s site? Could we see Tom Barreca job to Triple H? Time will tell!
It is about time to stop blaming Stephanie for the stupidity of the creative team. The fault lies completely with one man, and that man is former WWE superstar the Mantaur.
Ric Flair is being sued by PETA for mocking owls.
Brian Gerwitz is known for doing three things Vince McMahon likes, namely working hard, not arguing with management and ruining his program.
A Matt Hardy face turn is coming up. Thank God. His heel turn got him over with the crowd, led to catchphrases and merchandising opportunities and allowed Shannon Moore to keep his job. What a failure that was.
Good news for all WWE Raw wrestlers, who have been invited to spend an extra day on the road to attend Triple H’s bachelor party after the 9/16 Smackdown taping. Hunter arranged his own bachelor party as he was told that ‘the best man plans your bachelor party.’ “The best man? No one is better than The Game,†proclaimed Triple H to three indifferent jobbers.
Did you notice how no one mentioned on Monday Night what happened to Kane in the dumpster, how he was able to magically disappear with no explanation required? Dave Scherer sure did! “Take this for what it’s worth but when I asked people in WWE why the creative team didn’t feel the need to explain what happened to Kane in the dumpster on Monday, I was told that the McWord from the McTop was something along the lines of “this is entertainment TV and sometimes the fans have to give us poetic license to entertain them”. Again, that isn’t a direct quote, but it’s the spirit of what a few people told me. So there you have it.†Scherer is plenty McPissed and has declared Jihad on the entire McWorld. You can read all about it here.
There is absolutely no interest on the WWE’s part on any of the wrestlers in NWA. In fact, Stephanie McMahon said, “Lo Ki is a pussy. I dare him to find me, kick me in the face and break my jaw so I couldn’t talk anymore. Lo Ki is too big a pussy to do that!†Lo Ki, I’m just the messenger.
The wrestlers are mad that Vince McMahon stopped a boring match at a house show between Rhyno and Tajiri to start a bikini contest. It was especially embarrassing when Rhyno, who did not know previously that Vince was going to do that, ripped off his tights to reveal a bikini.
Maven might be the next wrestler to join Evolution. If not him, then definitely Rico. If not Rico, then definitely me. That’s right. I’m going to be the next member of Evolution. To practice, I’m going to start letting Triple H write the column.
Next week.
Let’s ruin Smackdown.
Team Lenny and Carl continue their feud with the original Team Lenny and Carl. It becomes impossible to recap when a four way brawl erupts. “Lenny and Lenny trading blows as Carl and Carl struggle on the outside †By the way, can we start seeing some Team Lenny and Carl signs at the Smackdown tapings when TWGTT is out there? Thank you.
Eddie waxes his car while Brock and Vince talk. Two white guys talking while a Mexican cleans a car? You never see that in real life.
Cena calls out Eddie, beats him down, steals the IC title and then steals Eddie’s car. Eddie then sheepishly rises and checks if anyone was around to see that. Despite the arena being full of thousands of people, Eddie tries to look all tough as he limps back to the locker room.
Benoit fights the A-Train and wins thanks to a mistake by Rhyno. You have a train, a rhino and a wolverine? Oh yeah, the wolverine will win in that battle. That was sarcastic. I wanted to use italics to make it more obvious, but I didn’t.
Undertaker almost defeats Kurt Angle but Brock Lesnar prevents him from doing so. Damn you Lesnar! Damn you to hell! We could have had Triple H and The Undertaker as heavyweight champions. Life is unfair.
Torrie Wilson wins another bikini match. She defeats her mother-in-law and lesbian lover Dawn Marie, the woman who attacked her on a PPV and apparently her current lesbian lover Nidia, and Sable, who Torrie has had an on again off again lesbian relationship with. It really makes your dick hard when you think about it.
The APA has a butler. SMELL THE RATINGS!
Rey fights Tajiri and someone does a heel turn. I’d tell you who, KID, but then you wouldn’t find out for yourself, MAN. No, not Kidman. Why’d you think that?
Lesnar ties Zach Gowen to a chair and throws him down the stairs. That evil genius!
Okay, next week we got Eddie/Cena in a street fight and in two weeks Angle/Lesnar in an Ironman match. On Raw, next week we have Triple H and Goldberg staring at each other for 15 minutes.
Junk News! Huzzah!
Blading
I got such a tremendous response last week; I thought I would talk about my first match this week.
I started training May 2002, and had my first match, outside of practice, on October 27th. It was against my best friend, Dan, who I had started training with back in May. Let me tell everyone a little about Dan, he’s one inch shorter then Rey Mestiro, and me being 5’8 and about 75 pounds heavier then him, this was a difficult match to put on. But, Dan and I had been used to the way each other work, so we were able to work it out.
We had out match memorized, and to this day, I still remember what we were going to do, move by move.
Before the match, I had never felt so nervous. Looking out, I saw about 1000 fans, which would see me in that ring in about 30 minutes.
A-channel, one of our news stations, had a weekly few minute program on there Monday night news casts, that calls for any person under 18 that was involved in a local sport, to be the A-channel MVP of the week. This week, I was picked. So I had the crowd to be nervous about, and I also had the camera on my, following me around backstage. I also knew that a million people would be seeing my match on the news the next day. This all helped me feel so good, NOT!
There was a band at the beginning of the show that was heavy metal band; they played for 45 minutes because something was going wrong with the ring. They were playing right outside our locker room, so I was getting a complete headache from this. I was then told I was up next, so Dan got into place to hear his music. We were then told that someone else was going to go before us. We were then told that we were going first. It was crazy, because my nerves were up in the air at this point. We were finally told that we were going first.
Dan went out there, and then I was up next. They even announced our weights! Man, that sucked.
So, we locked up, and did a little chain wrestling, and then he went on the second rope, and gave me an axe handle and got me down to the ground. He then put me in an arm submission. I got to the ropes, and then stood up, as he ran to hit me again, and I hit him with a clothesline. I grabbed him leg, and started kicking him a few times, and then gave him a few elbow’s to the knee.
My pants were to long, and when I went down for about the third elbow, my pants fell down at the back, and I mooned the audience! Man, did my face turn about the darkest red you will ever see.
I pulled them up in about one millisecond, and then went on with the match.
I picked him up, and throw him to the turnbuckle. Kicked him down to the ground, and stick his leg on the turnbuckle. I then did the thing that Rikishi does, where he jumps off the ropes, and hits the person’s leg with his butt. Well, I figured my butt should be used for one good thing that night.
After that, I went outside, and rapped his leg around the pole a few times.
Got back in the ring, and won with a Sharpshooter, with the majority of the crowd booing, because our company is the monopoly of Stampede Wrestling, and if you use Bret Hart’s move, you’re getting cheap heat! And I’m the Queen of cheap heat!
The ref for that match was the guy I talked about two weeks ago, Nik Fusion. He raised my hand, but I grabbed it away from him, and raised my own hand, and I was so relieved for that to be over, and I was shaking so bad you could see it on the news the next day.
I got interviewed after the match, in the female’s bathroom that was used as another change room, for I was the only girl up there that night.
Overall, I thought it was a very bad match, for it didn’t seem very realistic for a little boy (who was actually 16) against a girl that was almost double his size (but also 16).
Now, Dan and I live together, and we are both still training. His goal is to make it to the WWE as well, and become the Heavyweight champion as well.
bladehwc@yahoo.ca
And I am Joshua Grutman telling you that I will be back next week with an all new same old report.
