Welcome back to The Bootleg. I was the only person not on stage for the 50 Cent performance at the VMAs. I’m only a week and a day late, but there’s always time for a look back. Overall, I thought it was an entertaining nineteen hours. Chris Rock didn’t bring the house down, but the VMA host legacy ain’t a great one. (Jimmy Fallon, anyone?) I thought the “controversy” was typically contrived MTV schlock to create a story when there really wasn’t one. Madonna kisses a woman…haven’t seen that before.
Random Thoughts: Christina Aguilera = Wednesday Addams…When did David Spade turn 60?…What’s more annoying: rappers who bring their entire entourage to the stage when one of ’em wins, or the shameless plugs for their upcoming release dates?…Is it wrong for me to see the wide hips and round potbelly of Kelly Clarkson and think “backshot”?…And I don’t mean camera angles…Why is Adam Sandler so funny with two minutes of material (his “izzle” routine with Snoop), but so annoying in anything longer?
How can you tell “Good Charlotte” from “Good Ness”? One features recycled material that has been done better by others for years…the other features an Oakland A’s update at the end…
The ‘A’ Stands For ‘A Bad Career Move’
Typical. Everyone and their grandmamma is talkin’ about “the kiss” from the Video Music Awards, but no one cares about the real story. 50 Cent…and Vivica A. Fox? Back in 1996, Vivica starred in Set It Off, a movie which not only featured a much better lesbian kiss scene, but was considered to be the spark for Fox’s burgeoning film career. Well, a Juwanna Mann here, a failed pilot there…and she’s reduced to arm-candy for 411’s favorite entertainer. If I’m 50, I’m runnin’ for my life. Attractive actress…bad boy thug…Robin Givens…Mike Tyson. A few years later, Tyson was in jail and Givens was in…Blankman.
Ain’t Nobody Heard of a Safe?
First there was Lil’ Kim and now the remarkably less talented n’ less attractive, Trina is tryin’ to determine who could’ve lifted $300,000 in cash, jewelry and clothes from her Greenville, North Carolina hotel room. Apparently, some cat posed as Trina’s manager and convinced the front desk to hand over a key. Aiight, two quick comments: Trina…If you’re rollin’ with over a quarter million dollars, you deserve to get robbed. They do let Black folk have savings accounts, y’know. Second, to the crook…stealing is wrong. Although, let a brutha know if you got some of them game-used panties…I’ve got some vintage Dana Plato draws I’m willin’ to trade.
Hee Haw Got It Right
Who says the Bootleg ain’t got no love for country music? Well, me…but I digress. Toby Keith, whose tight jeans, boots and hat have managed to differentiate him from every other country act, has been nominated for seven Country Music Association Awards! I downloaded a couple of tracks from his Unleashed album and was surprised that an unwashed Okie could actually introduce candy-coated pop to country like in Huckleberry and Rock You Baby, but I guess we’ll all look the other way since Cletus, Goofus and Galant continue to scoop up this crap. Hey, did you know that “Keith” is actually Toby’s middle name? Real last name: Brockelstein.
Put Me In Coach…I’m Ready To Play
A Friend of the Bootleg sent me a fun little link. The good people at Rolling Stone Magazine have posted 50 Baseball Moments That Rock to their website. Find out what happened at Shea Stadium that made the Beatles swear off live performances. Discover how Yankees’ broadcast legend and undeserved Hall of Famer Phil Rizzuto was conned into becoming a bed-hoppin’ slut by Meat Loaf. And find out what happens when the choice of pre-at bat music from Tony Tarasco (The Lox’s Tommy’s Theme) and lumbering ox Manny Ramirez (Styles’ Good Times) isn’t exactly kid-friendly.
I Loved His Guest Spot On The Muppet Show, Though
Congratulations go out to Missy Elliot on her much deserved moon men at last week’s VMA. There’s a lot of post-award cryin’ by the usual suspects who believe that the fossilized remains of Johnny Cash should’ve walked away with more than one trophy, but get the hell over it, you whiny little bastards. These are the Video Music Awards and Cash’s mishmash of old footage felt like one of those sitcom “clip shows” that producers throw out there every three or four seasons when they’re feelin’ extra lazy. Hey, speakin’ of Missy…does anyone else think somethin’s goin’ on between her and Tweet? Yeah, me too.
Don’t Hold Your Breath
Show of hands…who here thinks that there will ever be another Wu-Tang Clan album? OK, who besides Nick? That’s what I thought. Someone put a mic in the face of Wu leader RZA last weekend and here was his take, “Wu is just on ice, right now.” Yeah, and so is Ted Williams, dawg. For all y’all fiendin’ for an update on the greatest family in Hip Hop history:
Masta Killa: His first-ever solo album No Said Date is complete and scheduled to drop around Thanksgiving. This is getting good underground buzz, which means it’s probably gonna be delayed until Arbor Day 2004.
Raekwon: His new album The Lex Diamond Story is tentatively scheduled for a late October release.
Cappadonna: Workin’ the night shift with Tony Danza, Christopher Lloyd and that crazy guy who wrestled Jerry Lawler.
Method Man: He’ll appear in the new Scary Movie sequel and the low budget My Baby Mama. More importantly, his long-delayed Tical 0: The Prequel is supposed to be out by the end of 2003.
RZA: He’ll be producing the soundtrack to Quentin Tarantino’s Kill Bill movie and has an import-only solo release called Birth of a Prince. The latter has guest spots from numerous European rappers. Please.
Inspectah Deck: He’s laid low since releasing The Movement, but is rumored to have another album in the works for release next spring.
Ghostface Killah: Currently in the lab workin’ on his next album and reportedly wants to join forces on a collabo project with Red and Meth.
GZA: He’s the brains behind the double-disc Wu-Tang DVD that should come out early next year. It’s supposed to have unreleased concert footage, studio sessions and a bonus disc of outtakes from their seminal 1993 debut.
ODB: Signed with Roc-A-Fella Records and still clinically insane.
Didn’t You Used To Be…III
Who can forget 1992? The riots ravaged a good chunk of Los Angeles. A young Damon Wayans sought fame and fortune with his leading man debut in Mo Money. And Sir Mix-A-Lot made us all appreciate the simple beauty of a big ol’ booty. The Chief Boot’Nocka is back with his sixth album, which is slated to drop next month. This is normally the part where I point out that there’s no place in the game for senior citizen MCs, but m’man dropped one of my all time favorites back in the late ’80s with My Posse’s On Broadway, so I’ll show Mix-A-Lot some respect. Even if he is the world’s oldest Negro.
America’s Role Model
Puff Daddy is filthy, stinkin’ rich and you’re not. The good people at Fortune Magazine have Lord Diddy at Number 12 on their list of “40 Under 40”, the 40 richest cats in the country under the age of, well, you know. Y’all can hate him now, but Sean Combs is 32 and worth $293.7 million dollars. I would’ve thought that half of that is tied up in blonde wigs for his ghetto-azz mother, but that’s just me. And don’t get me started on that Making The Band 2 show. It’s easily the worst thang to happen to my people since late night television forced us to choose between Vibe and The Keenen Ivory Wayans Show in 1997.
Stealin’ Bebito’s Thunder
Some of the biggest names in the West Coast rap scene are comin’ to a game console near you. Snoop Dogg, Ice Cube, E-40, Ice-T, D.O.C. Eazy-E and San Diego’s own Jayo Felony are layin’ down some tracks for True Crime of L.A. by Activision. Aren’t they the company that brought Pitfall to the Atari 2600? The game features a cat named Nick Kang who infiltrates the Chinese Triad and takes down the Russian Mafia. Christ, is this a video game or a Jet Li/DMX movie? And someone’s gotta say it…why does every Asian character have to have an Anglo first name? It’s like a Black guy named Aaron Jonathan Cameron. Thanks, mom…
Sometimes The News Just Writes Itself
So, I’m drivin’ up to Los Scandalous (nee Los Angeles) last weekend and I catch the end of a radio spot for a new movie. Actually, all I heard were the names of some of the cast: Da Brat, MC Lyte and “Pam” from the old Martin show. A little diggin’ uncovered the official website for Civil Brand. I’m beggin’ all y’all…please watch the trailer. It’s almost two minutes of the worst acting, silliest dialogue and blatantly unintentional humor that you’ll see all year. The plot? Women inmates try’n to take over a prison. I never thought I’d hear myself say this, but this brutha is gonna be rootin’ for the prison guards in this one.
General Haberdashery
Matthew Michaels has an excellent diary of the VMAs that captures the spirit of the show perfectly.
Fernandez was here during the holiday weekend…check him out if you missed it.
Bigg Tim Dog returns to the Movies beat and meets a big, scary Black man in my old stompin’ grounds. Yeesh.
Junk Mail
The Bow Wow Backlash has begun, as third graders everywhere now have Internet access:
Listen fool, get ur facts straight. In To My Mama he does not call his mom a roawd dog he syas roll dog!!!! Idiot! By the way that song is really sweet and anyone who has a heart woul dno that, unless ur like Eminem and hate ur mama!!! Bowwowisgreat
The scary thang is that this chick will be teachin’ Baby Bootleg AP English in a few years. And we wonder why the Japanese are superior. Here’s another Bow Wow fan to laugh at:
you suck for saying that stuff about bow wow you asshole. You are jealous dumbass.
Total combined age of the previous two letter writers: “this many years old”.
An anonymous AOL user sticks up for his boy, Chingy:
Aiyo…what da f#ck is up with that wack-ass review, son? If you wasn’t so busy bein’ a punk and rubbing your wife’s feet, you’d know that Chingy ain’t about lyrics but he’s about having fun with his music. And I don’t like whut you said about St. Louis too. Your little sweet azz wouldn’t last two days out here
First off…I ain’t no punk, I’mma bitch…and yes, my wife knows she married one. Second, you ain’t gotta worry about me comin’ out to “The Lou”. I remember the female livestock dancin’ around in Nelly’s Country Grammar video and you can have them 280 pound corn-fed women…I’ll probably have my own in a few months, anyway.
JC represents for all the bony can’t actresses from Kentucky:
C’mon…you’d rather have J-Ho than Ashley Judd?!? Ashley is classy and talented, while J-Ho is trash who can’t act to save her life.
Dawg, move away from the still and come get schooled. Did you see Double Jeopardy? If Ashley wasn’t ridin’ on her fat momma’s coattails, no one would’ve remembered her past that awful Sisters TV show. Now, Jennifer can’t act, either, but that wasn’t the point. If you like your girls built like 10-year-old boys, hey, more power to you. Freak.
M’man Dr. Watts returns with his take on the “controversial” kiss:
Check the track record of every person who Madonna ever played TONSIL HOCKEY with, and you’ll notice how, once they fling with Madonna, their careers immediately went downhill!!! Everyone from dance producer Jellybean Benitez to rap legend Big Daddy Kane to Dennis Rodman to Sandra Bernhard…even JFK Jr. and 2Pac (!!!!) were rumored to have had some Ciccone creme in their coffee…and were both killed in short order. I’ll give Brittany and Xtina about 6 months before their careers die just as quick.
“Ciccone Crème”…classic.
The Seal of Goodness
This week, we’re proud to endorse the latest n’ greatest mixtape effort to come out of that hotbed of hip hop…Connecticut. I told y’all last week about m’dawg Salemi Version 1.0 and his exhaustive compilation, The Mixtape Reloaded, Volumes 1-4. Bottom line, anyone you can think of from the East Coast’s last Golden Age (mid-90s) is on here. Biggie Smalls, Mobb Deep and The Wu? Yep. Classic collabos by Kool G Rap & Nas, AZ & Raekwon, GZA & Inspectah Deck? Got it. Remixes like I Shot Ya, You Can’t Stop the Prophet and Get Lifted? All there.
I don’t wanna say that my hype can’t do it justice, but there’s 69 tracks over 4 CDs. Cats you remember: Gangstarr, Keith Murray & Redman. Those you might’ve forgotten: Jeru The Damaja, Mic Geronimo, Black Moon & Blahzay Blahzay. All y’all who email me to tell me how much the rap game sucks today should be eatin’ this up like Now n’ Laters. More info…? Send me an email and I’ll hook y’all up.
Pretend Football
In my never-ending quest for acceptance from my peers, I’ve joined a few other 411 writers, groupies and roadies for a lil’ season of fantasy football. For the next how ever many weeks, I’ll use this space to provide updates of what’s sure to be the worst team in the league. Think of us as the Cincinnati Bengals…without the proximity to the Kentucky border. Lousy commonwealth.
Here’s your current 2003 Bootleggers roster:
QB: Trent Green (KC), Brad Johnson (TB)
RB: L. Tomlinson (SD), Tiki Barber (NYG), William Green (CLE)
WR: K. Johnson (TB), Randy Moss (MIN), Rod Smith (DEN), D. Jackson (SEA), C. Rogers (DET)
TE: Todd Heap (BAL), Freddie Jones (ARI)
K: John Carney (NO), Rian Lindell (BUF)
Aaron The Greek
Miami Dolphins – 27, Houston Texans – 6 (Smooth Jimmy’s Lock of the Week)
Nobody wins in South Florida in September ‘cept the home team.
Tennessee Teen Titans – 31, Aaron’s Oakland Raiders – 21
The fall of the Raiders begins and it won’t be pretty.
Coming Soon
My review for Mary J. Blige’s new joint is up. Be like everyone else and flame me after you’ve read it. I’ll try’n have Juelz Santana completed later this month. Although, I think that one’s gonna hurt me more than it hurts you. Plus, the Tupac material should start tricklin’ in this month, too.
Oakland A’s Update: So, the A’s win 10 in a row and Tim Hudson is the arm that brings the streak to an end…go figger. It’s three in Tampa Bay, then back home for the Rally Primates and Texas A-Rods. Let’s all hope that $11 million waste of space, Jermaine Dye, stays the hell out of our lineup.
Scared Str8
Y’all know that nausea is one of the biggest symptoms of a pregnancy, right? Well, Mrs. Bootleg is feelin’ so damn bad that her doctor prescribed her a drug so powerful that it’s used on chemotherapy patients. Common sense says that somethin’ that strong would, y’know…work? Not on my Drama Queen wife. She says the pills gave her hallucinations last night. Of what? She can’t remember. My life will be yours before you know it.
I need an untraceable escape route into Mexico. Get at me on AOL or Yahoo IM: ajcameron13
