So much to do, there’s plenty on the farm
I’ll sleep when I’m dead
Saturday night I like to raise a little harm
I’ll sleep when I’m dead
I’m drinking heartbreak motor oil and Bombay gin
I’ll sleep when I’m dead
Straight from the bottle, twisted again
I’ll sleep when I’m dead
Well, I take this medicine as prescribed
I’ll sleep when I’m dead
It don’t matter if I get a little tired
I’ll sleep when I’m dead
I’ve got a .38 special up on the shelf
I’ll sleep when I’m dead
If I start acting stupid
I’ll shoot myself
I’ll sleep when I’m dead
So much to do, there’s plenty on the farm
I’ll sleep when I’m dead
Saturday night I like to raise a little harm
I’ll sleep when I’m dead – Warren Zevon, “I’ll Sleep When I’m Dead”
Lawyers, guns, and money can’t beat lung cancer. Good night, Warren.
My tribute to him? I’m going to make sure my hair is perfect all week. Which is more than I can say for this goddamn column…
STRAIGHT UP, ANGEL OF DEATH, ZEVON FOR KORDELL
Memo to Steelers fans: We Bears fans understand now. We understand perfectly. Why did you let him out of town alive?
And Jesus H. Fucking Christ, what is Dick Jauron’s problem other than a complete lack of personality? The game’s out of reach by the f*cking half, Shithead just threw two f*cking INTs inside of a minute. Why not bring in Grossman then? What are you going to wait for, the 0-6 start that seems likely after this mess?
Thank you very much, guys. You’ve already spoiled the football season for me. Maybe I should move to Nebraska and start rooting for the Chiefs. At least they’ll actually, like, win some games. Or at least be close. The defeats won’t be embarassing like Sunday. It got so bad that I went into my computer room and burned CDs, getting far more entertainment out of that than the game.
Oh, forget it. At least it’s football season again, which means BFM can come up with some good quotes:
Speaking of f*cking jokes, I just saw Cleveland’s orange pants! Have we, as a society, learned NOTHING from the Pittsburgh Pirates of the 1970’s?
I think that it stopped at the lyrics to “We Are Family”.
Maybe they just didn’t want to be seen wearing white after Labor Day?
That would be the only possible reason I can think of for the Bears’ performance on Sunday. And with a chance to give the FudgePackers sole possession of last place in the division too. Assholes.
Ending Morals asks this one: Overall, I got Chicago at 6-10 this season. Too low or too lenient?
I had them at 6-10 as well. Before yesterday. Now I wouldn’t be surprised if they go 0-16 if that motherf*cker Kordell stays in there, and he will. The Nick Saban rumors are already gaining a huge head of steam. However, I see McCaskey making another stab at Dave McGinnis after the Cardinals fire him in order to counter Saban being Angelo’s boy. Don’t be surprised if it happens, folks.
Semi-Regular Tom D’errico asks this: So, if memory serves, you follow football once the season gets underway. Being from New England, I’m obviously a huge Pats fan (I know, I know — you think it was fixed when they won the bowl). But…. here’s an actual question… I was curious what your thoughts were on Laywer Milloy taking off mere days before the season opener and the Pats, in turn, having their asses handed to them. (I know the whole backstory, story and outcome, but was curious how someone like yourself, ie. not a fan, viewing something
like this affecting a team in general).
I do follow football, and I know about players who don’t wear Bears uniforms. Lawyer Milloy happens to be a force on defense. The Patriots maangement totally bungled the negotiations with him, underestimating his talent and importance. They should have given in and taken the cap hit for a guy with his abilities, especially knowing that a division rival was very interested in him should he be cut loose (ignoring the fact that the Jetskins also decided to make a play for Milloy, of course). Dumb, dumb, dumb, and it might have been demoralizing to the team on top of it. However, the loss should be blamed on the fact that Brady sucked dog dick, not on Milloy leaving. And tell the Patriots that we want Colvin and Washington back, now.
What’s sickest is this: Chicago is Football Town USA. We’ve always seen football as something there to have us forget the disappointment of the summer sports teams’ performances. Now all that everyone’s talking about is the fact that the White Sox and the minor-league team on the other side of town are both in first place, and the calendar reads September. Baseball a distraction from football in Chicago…that’s a rarity. Sorta like a Kordell pass completed to the right team.
ONLY KORDELL’S STUPIDITY CAN BEAT OUT DUBBAYA’S
So now that mongoloid imbecile wants eighty-seven billion dollars for his “Wars On Terror”. Ignore the fact that when he came into office, there was a budget surplus. Ignore the fact that he gave that surplus away, and more, to make people try to forget about his illicit appointment into office and to buy popularity when the economy started to sink into the quicksand. He just wants more money to prosecute a conflict that the rest of the world doesn’t agree with, and one that his own people are turning against quickly, so give it to him and Hoover my wallet in the process to do so.
And he wants the rest of the world to help. Aw, how nice. One problem, though: the rest of the world is pissed off at him for this bullshit and won’t lift a finger to help. And they shouldn’t.
What does it take, Dubbaya Defenders? What does it take to make you see the light about this cretin and his disastrous policies? Fuck it, I don’t want to wait until next year. Impeach his ass and get him out now (there’s no shortage of crimes against humanity there), then induce a fatal MI in Cheney (which also won’t be too hard). We can deal with Denny Hastert for a year and a half.
OH, SCREW IT…WHAT’S NEW ON THE JOB FRONT, ERIC?
Okay, for those of you who don’t understand the “move to Nebraska” line above, I did get an offer from prospective employers in Nebraska. However, they did do something that was a little bit not nice: they low-balled me on the starting salary with a “promise” of a raise in January after they “evaluate” me. Hmmmm, that tingly sensation is starting in my anus for some reason.
So I did what anyone else would do in my situation: I had an interview yesterday here in Chicago and an interview today in Indiana. Both jobs pay more and both involve a lot less trauma to initialize. Now, the low-ballers want an answer, like, now, or they’ll start interviewing again. My recruiter and I are trying to hold them off until tomorrow afternoon, at which point I’ll know enough from both interviews to make a judgment. It’ll probably end up that I’ll be moving to Nebraska sometime in the next few weeks, but it’s not certain at that point. I’ll try to lessen the hiatus this time.
But for right now, it’s Klonopin time. God bless Fleabag, though; he called me on Sunday to see whether or not I’d knocked myself off yet. What, is there a pool going on in our little extended Manson family that I don’t know about or something?
And memo to Pankonin: the job itself is about two hours outside of Omaha. I just flew in there because it was the most convenient airport. I’ll probably be living in Lincoln, in fact.
THE PIMP SECTION
Zucconi goes cold on me. Hey, I’m not making excuses; the Bears just outright sucked on Sunday. But at least our placekicker didn’t shank a PAT.
Williams does another grading thing this week, and you should see what he gave Ol’ Electric Balls.
And as usual, there ain’t shit for wrestling news to be found. Oh, yeah, WWE’s case against the equipment company that made Owen’s fatal rig started. Big whoop. No one can do anything with that. So let’s just move on to Raw…
THE SHORT FORM
Match Results:
Kane over Rob Van Dam, Cage Match (Pinfall, chokeslam): Thank God for Bisch restarting the match. Maybe that’ll close the most gaping loophole in the “escape” rules once and for all. I was bored silly by this match, and that actually gave me the opportunity to wonder why I was being bored silly by it, other than the fact that Ragdoll Van Dam doesn’t appeal to me. It was the camera work. The way the match was framed by the cameras was…well, wrong. It was the way the action was being shown to me that didn’t hold my interest. This is very unusual for Raw. Fault them for their content (and God knows that I do that all the time), but the technical aspects have always been good. Kevin Dunn has a well-trained crew. This match looked like WCW at its worst. This is a legitimate surprise.
Lance Storm over Rico (Pinfall, missile dropkick): Hey, the push is working! Thank you, God. Now let’s just hope that the LanceDust team can keep this up for a while. Lance deserves every minute in front of the camera that he’s getting, unlike most of the people on Raw. Speaking of which, isn’t it about time for Austin’s bullshit promo?
Oh, yeah, Lance, one more thing: get some shots. God knows if what Jackie Gayda has is contagious or not.
Molly Holly and Gail Kim over Jackie and Trish Stratus (Pinfall, Kim pins Strauts, nice cutaway for the replay, doofus): It’s really weird that the most exciting match of the night so far involved Lance Storm, isn’t it? And another nice little technical gaffe. Maybe the crew’s having the night off or they’re all drunk or something.
Rene Dupree, Sylvain Grenier, Rob Conway, Rodney Mack, and Mark Henry over Buh Buh Ray Dudley, D-Von Dudley, Spike Dudley, Novocaine Helms, and His Pet Fat Fuck (Pinfall, Henry pins Dudley, powerslam): Did you see the looks in the eyes of Dupree and Grenier when Spike didn’t go through the table? That’s an “oh, shit, please let him be fine so we can keep our jobs” look if there ever was one. Guys, next time, make sure that his feet clear the top rope. It usually helps get some horizontal distance. They’re kids, they’re very green, and they’re not used to working in hardcore style yet, so we can write this off as an anomaly. Nice job by everyone in covering the f*ck-up, though, and good of Helms to volunteer to go through the table (and nice of Grenier and Dupree to move the table out of the way so Helms didn’t land on Spike when he went through).
Big Sump Pump over Stevie Richards (Pinfall, face-first DDT): Yeah, a nice, long, convoluted set-up for the Test/Sump Pump match at Unforgiven. Why? Why are we going through this shit yet again? Blow this damn thing off, now. And, oh, Mister Martin, Steiner would have thirds. You’ve already had sloppy seconds, and only because she asked me. I’d do anything for her, you know.
As for the final beatdown, it was so obvious from the beginning of the set-up who the “mystery partners” would be that it’s kind of embarassing for them to admit that they were trying to keep it a mystery.
Angle Developments:
Tell Me Lies, Tell Me Sweet Little Lies: Seven foot, three-hundred thirty pounds, JR? You know, there are exaggerations for effect and there are outright, bold-faced lies. Saying that Kane was seven foot, three-hundred thirty pounds was about a .95 Danny Almonte’s Age.
Hmmmm, Sounds Familiar:
Now, stupid me, here’s how I thought it’d play out: Snow versus Lawler at Unforgiven, with the announcing duties for Raw and Heat on the line, with Snow going over by dastardly deeds. It’d give Lawler some time off from commentating (either a vacation or a return to active wrestling for a bit; hell, just getting him off the goddamn mic would have been a blessing), and give Ross a little time away from the desk to do the office stuff that he always says he’s neglecting. It’d give us Coachman and Snow in the booth on Raw, both as heels, with a smarmy Bisch around to lend a hand, if only for a short time (until Linda reverses it or another similar match is set up for Survivor Series). Imagine the better NWO booth takeovers without the NWO baggage. That’s what it could have been like. – Me, September 2nd, 2003
I already knew Steph read me. Now I know Gewirtz reads me too. I am the Lord Your God. You shall have no other IWC Personalities before me.
The State Of Raw Is Pathetic, As We All Know: Did Jericho almost turn face during that promo with Austin? Twice? Okay, we now know what they have in store for the IC strap at Unforgiven. And pissing away Jericho’s heel status? Collateral damage from Booker’s injury and “creative”‘s inability to push anyone else toward IC level. Say bye-bye to the King of Bling-Bling and hi to Boring Old Face Jericho. However, the Ravin’ Cajun sees a positive in this:
I finally became convinced tonight – Christian has it. He has that intangible that we’ve praised Mr. Irvine about for years. And that was evident in his little confrontation with Austin tonight. All of the mannerisms, the sayings, the little things that Christian has developed have made him entertaining- and to think, it only took three fricking years separate from Edge to do it. And speaking of Mr. Irvine, he has become the verbal equivalent of Ric Flair- he could carry a broomstick to a good promo. Witness his work tonight re:Austin. Jericho took the standard “beer-stunner” package and made it fun, something that it hasn’t been for a long while. One other thing- I’m convinced that the beer drop and subsequent events were not staged. It looked too funny to have been planned.
You have to realize this, Beau: nothing Austin is involved in is funny to me anymore. Even with Jericho in there as the point man for the humor. He just sucks the life out of the room, courtesy of the audience and its f*cking “What?”s. That being said, I’m glad no one’s offered to comp me for Raw in a couple of weeks when it comes here. My plan would be simple: take out the entire ring with a couple frag grenades, then turn loose an automatic on anyone in the audience who said “What?”. I wouldn’t mind doing it, actually; it’d give us something to write about here.
How Pathetic Is Raw, Really?: So pathetic that the best heel promo of the night was done by the play-by-play announcer of the second-string show. And the Photoshops weren’t too bad either.
Sorry, people, I’m just not into it right now. My concentration is pretty damn well shot and I haven’t been sleeping very well. Since I’m about dead on my feet, I’m going to go unconscious right now and see if I can’t do any better tomorrow.
