Welcome back to The Bootleg. I’m proud to write the only column on 411 Music that’s never been bashed by the Music site’s own writers. Hell, I’ve even managed to avoid those backhanded compliments (“I used to think he sucked, but now he rocks”), too. You can’t buy that kind of indifference…unless you’re considering bringing back the N.W.O…but this is a music column, ain’t it?
Mrs. Bootleg’s birthday is this Sunday and to say that it snuck up on me would be an understatement. I need gift ideas, kids. What do you get for a 4’8″ Black woman who can eat her weight in grinders, heroes, hoagies n’ subs? What do you get for a pregnant woman who sleeps 16 hours a day? What do get for a woman who already subscribes to every “African-American” interest magazine out there?
In the past, I’ve gone with something from Victoria’s Secret, but sexy draws stretched across a pregnant belly just seems…wrong. We usually go out for a pricey dinner, but I’ll be damned if she’s gonna puke out her share of a $110 meal without providing me a non-refundable cash deposit first. I mean the only tradition I’ve been able to keep is her annual Mahogany birthday card, although I’ve always thought that Ziggy cards cross all ethnicities just as well.
If you read this week’s Goodness, something hilarious will pop up on your screen when you forward this column to five friends! Don’t break the chain!
Wait A Minute…That’s…Not…Juice!
Even though it’s about three years too late, a coalition of African-American groups are forming to protest Nelly. Where were they when E.I. was bein’ played every 10 minutes on the radio? Shockingly, their beef ain’t with his music, but with his new ‘energy drink’, Pimp Juice. A grandstanding press conference took place this week at The Liquor Bank in South Central LA. Yes, the Liquor Bank. The groups feel that the beverage contributes to a negative stereotype of Blacks and want it out of their community. Of course, all of this free advertising that Nelly will receive from the bitchers n’ moaners should extend the shelf life of this irrelevant novelty Red Bull knockoff for a few more months.
As The Hood Turns
Try’n keep up with me here. Beyoncé was scheduled to perform two songs at the VMAs: one with Jay-Z and one with Sean Paul. Just hours before the show, Jay-Z pulled a power play and demanded that Sean Paul not join Beyoncé on stage for her performance of Baby Boy. This came on the heels of rumors that Jigga requested that Beyoncé and Sean Paul be kept out of the same shots of the video for the song, too. I’m not sure what to make of this whole Randy Savage/Elizabeth thang that Jigga and B have, but I will say that Jay-Z would be wise to be a little less obsessive. In 20 years, Beyoncé should still have an audience, while Young Hov will be 56 and spittin’ on all the bling in his new titanium hip.
Those Who Do Not Learn From History…
Another week, another bad career move for a popular entertainer. This time, it’s Andre from Outkast who has decided to retire his mic and take up acting. Have we learned nothing from The Fat Boys in Disorderlies or DMX in anything? Andre has moved to Los Angeles and hired an acting coach, too. And we all know how well that worked for Chyna and Sable, don’t we? Face it, Andre, there ain’t many roles in Hollywood for us. Denzel has the “leading man” gig. Will is the summer blockbuster guy. Taye Diggs n’ Morris Chestnut are the white girls’ fantasy and Chris Tucker is only available for Rush Hour flicks. All that’s left is the intellectual friend role that Mos Def currently has on lock.
Britney Bares All…Again…And Again
Have I shared this one with y’all yet? True story: a few years ago, a friend sent me one of those fake topless pics of Britney Spears. It came on the same day that the good folks at Dell delivered my new computer. I saved the picture to the hard drive just to make sure that this particular function worked and forgot all about the naughtiness until the wife stumbled across it nearly a year later. For those of you that this will happen to someday, there’s really no good retort for when your woman finds porn on your computer. My only suggestion is to never bring it up again…not even as self-deprecating humor. Much like Rey Misterio’s unmasked period in WCW, after awhile it just never happened. Oh, and Britney appears near nude in this month’s Rolling Stone, which hits newsstands today.
Maybe The Hatfield and McCoys
Y’all know how those gun nuts always say, “Guns Don’t Kill People…People Do”. Well, police in Wichita, Kansas seem to think that it’s neither. It’s actually rap albums. Club owners in that flat, dusty backwater ‘burb have been asked to refrain from playing Put Yo Hood Up by Lil’ Jon & The Eastside Boyz. Not cuz the track sucks, but because Wichita’s finest blame it on a recent nightclub shooting. They claim the song encourages kids to throw up gang signs. Gangs…in Kansas. All along I thought the only gang war in Kansas was over which side of Crispix cereal is crispier: the rice or the corn.
Middle Aged & Unemployed
As with many stories in hip hop, Rakim’s departure from Dre’s Aftermath label has gotten more play within rap circles than it probably deserves. A former Dre associate blames the label for the failure to release Rakim’s anticipated Oh My God album. In reality the blame should be shared equally between the two rap icons. Rakim continues to live off of his reputation from his 1987-1992 body of work, while Dre’s beats have seen a slow n’ steady decline since about the same timeframe. Download Mack 10’s Hate In Yo Eyes for proof. And the list of artists who have signed with and left Dre’s label without releasing an album includes King T, RBX and Dawn Robinson from En Vogue.
Didn’t You Used To Be…IV
Can y’all believe that Montell Jordan is about to release his fifth album? No? Good, cuz it’s actually his sixth album. The one-hit wonder who brought us This Is How We Do It is planning to drop Life After Def on October 21. The title is a none-too-subtle jab at his former label, Def Jam. Jordan left Def Jam over creative differences. Call me crazy, but if you haven’t had a hit since 1995, you shouldn’t piss away the backing of a major label. Montell must not know that he’s just two missed paychecks from becoming Coolio.
It’s For My Cataracts
One of the most shocking weeks in rap music history concluded with news of the arrest of East Coast rapper and Salemi family friend, Redman. He was nabbed for, get this: possession of marijuana. Get. Out. Officials at an airport in Oslo, Norway busted him after he arrived from Amsterdam where pot is deliciously legal. Prostitution is also legal over there. Now, before y’all start makin’ your airline reservations, allow me to pass onto you the three words that can make the difference between a clean, wholesome hooker experience and 20 years of intense hypnotic therapy: Check the Neck.
Sometimes The News Just Writes Itself
Earlier this year, one of the Dixie Chicks publicly blasted the biggest Republican on Earth. After seeing their album sales and radio airplay plummet as a result, what do the ladies do for an encore? They go and shit on the second biggest Republican name. This time it’s Dixie Chick Emily who targets Arnold Schwarzenegger and his quest to become Governor of my state. “America should be governed by people who have a clue and I hope he doesn’t win”, says Emily. Keep diggin’ those graves, ladies. Pretty soon you’ll be fightin’ those 60 year old banjo playin’ Del Rubio Triplets for airtime on public access.
General Haberdashery
These days everyone is startin’ up a “super-group” of one kind or another. Whether it’s the fictitious Justice League or the even more fictitious DPG-Unit, I thought I’d follow suit and ride some coattails while I’m at it.
All y’all need to make 3 The Hard Way a part of your 411 Music weekend. Starring Fernandez as the Mexican Fred Williamson, Smilo as Jim “Not the White QB” Kelly and me as Jim Brown mixed with a little token black guy.
Daniels makes his triumphant return and has the RIAA in his scope. Y’all won’t find a better take anywhere ’round.
Mathan should have something new up soon, but this should hold you over till then.
Chris Biscuiti puts it all into perspective.
Junk Mail
The first piece o’ feedback from last week’s column got my weekend started off right. Rock the mic, Gregg:
Great column per usual. What is the deal with that mix tape set? Sounds pretty sweet.
On another note I think that anybody that proclaims rap is dead or that it is all gangsta is a complete f*cking moron. There are some really good groups out there right now that just becuase they don’t get played on the radio doesn’t mean they don’t exist. Talib Kweli, The Roots, J5 are not thugariffic and they are doing fresh things with rap/hip hop or whatever the f*ck you want to call the genre.
Sorry, that little rant has been building since I seem to read a lot of other 411 music guys bash rap without knowing or attempting to know what actually is going on.
Keep putting out the best columns on 411 Music and hang in there with the missus.
Now, since net feuds always suck ass, I’ll refrain from commenting on his insightful n’ intelligent comments regarding the monotonous anti-rap faction on this site…other than to say he’s absolutely right. And everyone who inquired about The Mixtape Reloaded set from last week, I’ll send out that additional info this weekend. Sorry for the delay.
So, what did y’all think of my Mary J. Blige review?
I really want to like your shit, but everytime I think you know what your doing you just f#ck it all up. 5.5?!? For the Queen of Hip Hop Soul?!? Mary J. is back and if your too blind to see it, you should let someone else review CDs and stick to your Bootleg bullshit or goodness or whateva you call it.
Love that first sentence. Mrs. Bootleg said the same thang to me on our wedding night. Now, here’s a rare piece of correspondence from the fairer sex:
I’ve been reading your column for a minute and after I saw your review of Miss Blige’s new album, it’s obvious to me that you hate women. Your bullshit comments about your wife (if you’re really married) and your disrespect towards Miss Blige’s hard work have convinced me that you didn’t get enough hugs or something as a kid.
Well, that’s a new one. I’ve got a monthly credit card statement that says I did get married. I’ve got a wife suckin’ the grease off the bottom of a Papa John’s box that says she’s preggers. And I have nothin’ but love for you and all females. Now, get back in the kitchen and fix me an egg sammich, trick.
Eric from O’side cheques in with an egregious error on my part:
I’m sure someone has already mentioned to you but us being A’s fans I had to
bring it up. You mentioned the correlation between Madonna kissing people and ruining their careers. You forgot THE most important one in the lot; one Jose Canseco. How much more can he fall? I remember when we all thought he was going to be the greatest ballplayer ever.
Seems like only yesterday, doesn’t it? From his Cuban mullet to his facial ticks to his slutty ex-wife Esther to his 1-900 number…Jose was the blueprint for the 21st Century athlete. Damn you , Madonna…damn you, I say.
Soon-to-be Cali Nick gets the last word:
I saw that 411 needs some new people to review CDs. Does anyone cover rap CDs on that site?
Pretend Football
It was a tough opening day loss for the Bootleggers. I got next to nothing out of cats like Keyshawn Johnson and LaDanian Tomlinson. I picked up Tommy Maddox this week, since it appears that the Jerome Bettis era in Pittsburgh has come to an end, so I’m hopin’ that his receivers can do some big thangs in Kansas City this week.
Here’s your current 2003 Bootleggers roster:
QB: Trent Green (KC), Brad Johnson (TB), Tommy Maddox (PIT)
RB: L. Tomlinson (SD), Tiki Barber (NYG), William Green (CLE)
WR: K. Johnson (TB), Randy Moss (MIN), Rod Smith (DEN), D. Jackson (SEA), C. Rogers (DET)
TE: Todd Heap (BAL), Freddie Jones (ARI)
K: John Carney (NO)
Aaron The Greek
Minnesota Vikings – 40, Chicago Bears – 17 (Smooth Jimmy’s Lock of the Week)
If Kordell Stewart plays the entire game, and he won’t, the Bears only score 3.
Aaron’s Oakland Raiders – 34, Cincinnati Bengals – 21
Cincy will be tougher than you think, but the Raiders use a late TD to ice it.
Coming Soon
Thanks to m’dawg Jon Blaze who hooked me up with the new DMX album a week before it’s official release. The review should be completed this weekend. Plus, a few more surprises coming later this month.
Oakland A’s Update: It’s three with Texas, then three in Anaheim. It’s nice to finally see Tejada show up after being MIA all year. I guarantee you he ends up in Anaheim next season.
Scared Str8
This week, the wife thought she was being funny. She implied that she would quit her job after her womb erupts. Nice. Can I tell you that the phrase “Aaron Cameron, breadwinner” even scares me? Now my wife…the one with the MBA, better car and better job would willingly piss her career away to be a housewife. Eatin’ bon bons and watching her “stories” while making sure the kid doesn’t put Drano in its mouth. My life will be yours before you know it.
I need to find out more on assisted suicide. Get at me on AOL or Yahoo IM: ajcameron13
