Welcome to the 16th edition of Leave Your Spandex @t the Door!
I told you the column had gone weekly, but noone believed me. Well, here we are, 7 days later, who’s the sucker now? Huh, who?
This week, I’ve decided to give you a peek inside my diary. If I kept a diary. And If I wrote a Hulk movie review in it. Then, yes, if all those ifs were true, this would be a diary entry and you would be snoopy enough to read on! Anyway, it would be a funny theme to base a column on, n’est-ce pas? (‘Oh, Tish, that was french! Cara-mia!’) But enough with the chit-chat!
Dear Diary,
“Hulk movie rocks… in my sleepâ€.
Consider this a warning. Never attempt to a 2 ½ hour film premiere when you haven’t had more than 7 hours of Zzz in the last 3 days combined. So, it’s exam season, I have to get up at 3a.m. to pull off a half-assed attempt at revision, and the Hulk greek premiere is at 9:30pm. I didn’t really need much convincing from my mates to go, although (in retrospect) I wish I had put up a fight.
I wasn’t expecting much from this movie.That is the reason I probably didn’t hate it that much when it was over. But boy did I have reasons to!
In detail (and in honour of my fave 411 reviewer, Nick Piers:
The Good: Direction: Ang Lee, thou are my god, I pray for you in the altar of comic book movies!
I really don’t think I can find any flaws (worth mentioning, at least) in the cinematography of this film. Ang has implemented a new method of portraying a scene, showing multi-angle shots of the same scene simultaneously as “panels†on the movie screen.
The same approach is also used in the scene transitions, by apparating the following scene through a background or foreground object of the current scene or by sliding the viewing “frame†across a fictional comic book page containing each scene as a panel, giving of a unique “comic book†feeling to the movie. I don’t think I’m doing this any justice by trying to put it in words. I’m seriously predicting an Oscar nomination for this movie, come February! [Would that be a comic book movie first, Ben?]
The Bad: Script: Oh god, it sucked -__-
I think this movie is better to enjoy if you are not acclimated to the source material. I didn’t really mind the small changes (adopted Bruce, scientist Betty, genetic tampering, absence of Rick Jones), these are stuff I was expecting. The other stuff, though:
Consider this a SPOILER BARRIER:
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1. Hulk dogs: Hmmm, what would be a good idea for the Hulk’s big first action scene in the movie? Oh, I know let’s have him fight some dogs! But, let’s be creative. Everyone would be expecting bulldogs, so we’ll pull a fast one and give them…a POODLE! I can’t believe that got green-lighted. Hulk fighting a gamma-irradiated poodle, with a fancy salon cut. A bloody poodle… There were two more dogs, but the poodle is the one that stuck, the whole audience was laughing when it appeared, all monstrous and deformed and silly. –shudder- Wonder if they booked Lassie for the sequel. If only Austen’s fish-boy got wind of what is going on in that set, they’d feel his righteous rage!
2. the Absorbing Dad: This came as a complete surprise. I knew Bruce’s dad played an important part in this movie, but I didn’t know they hadn’t only retconned him as a mad scientist, but also as the Absorbing Man! I didn’t even know the Absorbing Man was going to be in this movie! The script spends the entire first 1 ½ hours building up on the relationships between the characters, the bad blood between Bruce and his dad, and instead of resolving it in the end with Bruce confronting his father, the writer(s) opts for a big-ass punch’em-up action sequence, (with the worst special effects in the movie, no less)
3. Who’s “Hulkâ€? People were wondering that. Why call the movie “Hulkâ€? Who is this “Hulkâ€? There’s only one mention of the big green giant as a hulk, but the creature himself never speaks more than two lines. The first includes the trademarked “puny human†line. The second is not “Hulk smash†however, and the fanboy inside me is terribly angry.
The Ugly: Special Effects: oh, shiny!!
Neither good, nor bad. Just… shiny! I had seen images of the hulk in the trailers and publicity photos and I wasn’t terribly impressed. I figured they don’t look good on paper but they will look good on screen. I was only partly right. I hadn’t undertood why they chose such a peculiar face for the hulk, until I saw Eric Bana on screen and realised they had modeled the big green face from him. Grade A work there. The Hulk’s face seems oddly realistic and it is very expressive.
Too bad the same can’t be said about his movement. It seems the FX budget was spent early on in the movie, so the hulk’s hijinks, and especially the last battle with Absorbing Man remind me of those old hollywood greek myth movies with the play-doh monsters. Special cringe-worthy scenes also include the “daddy is a puddle†and “huge glob of blood fro my palm†scenes.
Or again, maybe I was just sleepy.
In any case:
Writing: 5/10
Directing: 10/10
Special Effects: 6/10
Acting: — There’s a reason I never brought itup, there was nothing worth commenting on, good or bad. Nothing to set it apart from the norm. :\
the 411: Goodbye, Hulk, and thanks for all the poodle scraps!
P.S. I did really well in my exam (which was Wine Chemistry btw), and I cheated my @$$ off , so I’m expecting a 10/10. Just noone tell on me! You’ve given your word, right? Right? Guys??? >__<
P.S. 2: Go buy New Xmen#146, it ends in an incredible shocker that will have people talking for weeks! Trust me in this, it’s X or not (and the person who thinks this sentence makes sense better email me for a special spoiler-y treat!)!
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Tune back in 411comics and “Leave Your Spandex @t the Door†on friday, one day sooner than usual (I’m beginning to spoil you and you like it!) for an interview with Andi Watson, looking at his new monthly series, Love Fights from OniPress! As always, I’m waiting for your comments through email…
Manolis Vamvounis
a.k.a. Doc Dooplove
