Let’s do this.
Obligatory Opening Paragraph About Football
I must be praying to the right God(s). Virginia dominates Western Michigan on the road, running up 59 points on the hapless Broncos. See, a little thing like a quarterback switch can totally turn a team around. Then on Sunday, I get a come-from-behind Redskins victory over the Falcons on the road. To top it all off, Jamal Lewis is on my fantasy team so my record goes to 2-0 in the staff league. Gotta show the boys over in the Music Zone how it’s done.
Why can’t every weekend work out so well
Rock You Like A Hurricane
Next weekend might seriously suck for me if those projections for Hurricane Isabel are correct. If I don’t have a column up next week, it’s not because I’ve lost my cable it’s because the television set blew out of the top of the house after the roof was blown off.
Speaking of Hurricanes, we have our first submission for the new spotlight feature. Jeff Smith states his case for the often-underlooked crime-fighting hero:
He gets a lot of attention in your column, but I think the first Hall of Fame inductee has to be The Hurricane.
Shortly after arriving in WWE, Shane Helms created what usually means the kiss of death in the post-Attitude wrestling world – an over the top, cartoony gimmick. But he was able to get his pint-sized crime-fighter character over, and he used Little Things to do it:
1) The Hurri-pose
In a way, it’s the key to the whole schtick. If he were to put his hands on his hips or his arms out in a “flying” motion it would break the flow of the match. The pose he uses says “I’m a Superhero” while keeping him ready to foil whatever dastardly deeds his opponent has in store for him.
2) Hurri-speak
Helm’s interviews are always funny for their combination of Adam West-as-Batman (The stilted dialogue, deliberate cadence, calling random people “Citizen” and Rosie “Roosevelt”) and Chris Rock (“What’supwithdat???!!!) In on of my favorite Hurri-moments, he combined the two, proclaiming to The Rock “I stand for truth and justice, beeeoytch!”
3) The WHOOSH!
What better way to cap a great interview than with The Hurricane “flying” off to right wrongs, complete with Reeves era Superman sound effects. It’s an especially nice touch when the interviewer’s hair is stirred by the breeze.
4) Pre-move signals
Much like Goldberg preparing to deliver a Jackhammer, (although usually to less positive results) our hero always gives a confident “Thumbs Up” before attempting a devastating Hurri-chokeslam. He also slaps his knee before hitting the Shining Wizard, drawing attention to the somewhat subtle bent-knee-as-launching pad aspect of the move.
5) Gimmick Infringement
More than any other wrestler The Hurricane is good at stealing Little Things from other guys. It can be his partner, as when he struck HBK’s “kneel and flex” pose, or his opponent, like his spot-on performance of Sylvan Greenier’s little dance. My favorite was the time he used his cape to reproduce Val Venis’ towel disrobe bit. The best part? Val was playing the “Chief Morley” character at the time!
This is exactly the type of submission I wanted to see. It’s well-written and explained with lots of good examples to show how a seemingly minor character like Hurricane is actually a very enjoyable character on a weekly basis. I have a couple more slated for the near future, but I would love additional entries. I’ve even heard there is a Perry Saturn entry being crafted out there in a dark corner of the IWC I can’t wait to relive the Moppy memories.
House Show Madness: The Return
While there is a very well written recapalready up, I wanted to give you this columnist’s view from the cheapseats. A lot of you guys seemed to like my chemically-induced madness last time, so here it goes once again, with a little thing I liked from each match, live from the Richmond Coliseum, 9.14.03:
Match 1: Rey Misterio vs. Taijiri
Taijiri performs an excellent old-school bit of heelish goofiness when he stands on the ropes, sneers at the crowd and proceeds to slip off of the ropes onto his ass. Excellent stuff that the crowd ate up.
Rey wins with the standing hurricanrana.
Match 2: A-Train & Sean O’Haire vs. Spanky & Paul London
I won’t lie. There weren’t many little things or big things to enjoy about this match. I do like Sean O’Haire and he won the match with his finisher, but nothing really interesting happened. Hey, I try to be objective.
Match 3: Matt Hardy vs. Orlando Jordan
Matt cuts an excellent promo before the match declaring that Mattitude was born in the South (he’s from Cameron, NC), but that Virginia is not part of the South. That definitely got on a few people’s nerves.
Orlando is announced by Matt as being from a local high school, but they never say which one and announce him as being from Miami.
Matt wins with the Twist of Fate.
Match 4: Funaki vs. Nunzio
Nunzio performs a nice little thing that was brought to my attention by reader Andy Campbell. When he goes for his knee drop, he actually takes a second to lower the pad before driving it into his opponent. Anything to make the product more logical is a good thing, indeed.
Andy, I know you can do a feature on Nunzio. I believe in you.
Match 5: The Bashams w/ Shaniqua vs. Kidman & Jaime Noble
Kidman still gets a good pop from those of us who remember him from his WCW days.
Shaniqua puts a kick on Noble allowing one of the Bashams to score the win.
Bikini Contest: Sable vs. Nidia vs. Dawn Marie vs. Torrie Wilson
Whenever I see Sable live, I still cannot help to think that there are some people who write for this site who would dare to joke about her age. I pray to those same Gods who helped me out in football that whomever I marry looks that good at age whenever. Seriously, she is flawless.
Another little thing about her is the way she gestures for the mic and gives it up. Like a true princess that expects to get something and has no need of something once she is done.
Nidia shook her ass so well that it got a good face pop. She even backed that ass up into Sable in a funny bit.
Dawn Marie is not the hottest of these 4 but she is the one I’d want to sleep with.
Torrie wins the audience and the contest.
Bathroom Fun: Some Guy vs. The Sink & Some Guy Drinking His Beer
While I was in line, I saw this black guy in a Hawaiian shirt standing next to the sinks saying “Let it run†over and over. When I moved up, I realized he was talking to this white guy in a baseball cap who was heaving hardcore. This guy then proceeds to say “I’m gonna drink your beer while you do that†and pours his cup into his own. To follow it up he jokes the guy while drinking it, saying “just like NASCAR, huh?â€Â
You gotta love Richmond.
Match 6: John Cena vs. Eddie Guerrero vs. Chris Benoit
Cena cuts an excellent promo:
You’re a bunch of redneck criminals
You belong in the pokie
Plus you suck just like the V-Tech Hokies
I won’t mention that rhyme about Cavaliers and queers too much, though.
Eddie wins with the splash after a failed belt ambush by Cena.
Post match, Cena shows why is the man. After stumbling around towards the back he attempts to go towards the wrong exit. The security guard kindly points him to the correct exit and he stumbles on out. Excellent stuff.
Match 7: APA vs. The World’s Greatest Tag Team
Bradshaw points out that Shelton is attempting to get double pay tonight by working as Shaniqua and as himself.
For those who haven’t seem them live, TWGTT move like they are on uppers in the ring. And that is not just because they were facing APA, either.
Match 8: Kurt Angle vs. Brock Lesnar
Big pops for both athletes. The big “news†of course was that Brock tweaked his knee while setting up for the F-5. Really, this is a bit overblown. It looked to many like he just messed up the move (and he got booed for it, too), plus he continued working the match. I’m sure they cut to the finish and that he did receive legit attention, but these guys are professional athletes. I fully expect Brock to put on a good Iron Man Match this week with Kurt.
Kurt wins with the Ankle Lock. And oh yes, there were a few boring chants during this match, so if you don’t like technical wrestling, it’s best not to watch on Thursday.
Are you ready for the Little Five? I thought so. Here we go for the 09.16.03 edition of RAW:
1. Wounded Pride
I’m dedicating this blurb to 411’s own, Chris Hyatte.
Hyatte is correct in pointing out that it is indeed an annoying little thing to see combatants go through a whirlwind cage match death-a-thon and then show up the next week without any visible signs of having been in combat. WWe, on the other hand, did make sure on Monday that RVD, Spike and Goldberg all remembered their wounds from last week. This lends credibility to their matches in the past and realism to their craft. Excellent stuff.
2. Hold The Applause
Once again, I try to be objective. I’m usually all over Victoria for her ability to stay in character. But as much as I don’t want to believe my eyes, we could see her clapping along with the audience when Moolah came out to the home crowd. Granted, she is a female wrestler admiring one of the greats of her division and granted it took her forever to get to the ring so she had to stall, I just really wanted to see my Queen complete the marathon and stay in character the entire time.
Oh well. At least she looked incredibly hot in that outfit.
3. On Again, Off Again
Last night was a sterling example of the pros and cons of Austin’s promo style. He tends to hit grooves with the mic, so when he gets on a roll with the crowd what-ing all the way, he can be very enjoyable. When he got into the various terms to describe what Jericho did to him last week and arrived at “You insulted my manhoodâ€Â, I nearly lost it.
However,
He reached an obvious rut when he told Christian he’d be defending his title and described that title as Christians 3 times in a row.
I do approve of his work in general, though. Plus nobody will argue with his ability to get the crowd involved even if he doesn’t know what he is saying.
4. Can’t Touch This
It is a very good thing for HHH to give the impression that he is so good that nobody is allowed to lay a hand on him. Like when he walked in and gave that guy sitting nearby the fake handshake. Even Eric Bischoff, the co-GM, gets a second look if he puts his hand on him.
Extra credit for HHH for a pretty funny inside barb at Goldberg during (the mic and Goldberg both don’t work well) during
5. Is This Thing On?
That was just painful to sit though. It has been awhile since we had a major technical difficulty, but I reiterate – these type of glitches really hurt the show when they happen. Especially during the set-up to the pay-per-view main event.
That should do you guys for the week. Keep all comments, feature entries, little things you notice, and so on coming. See ya next week, if I’m not in Kansas or an emergency shelter.
