Welcome back to The Bootleg. For 10 years, we’ve been the official outfitters of the New York Yankees. Jeez, is there anything that didn’t die last week? We mourned the passing of the legendary Johnny Cash and the hilarious John Ritter. We lamented the end of Bennifer, Zwan and the Black NFL Quarterback.
Me thinks we needs to start our own 411 Dead Pool. In order to keep it from being too morbid (and to keep everyone from selecting Mae Young), it should only be inanimate objects. Here are some random suggestions: The Chicago Bears playoff hopes, The Quizno’s franchise if it keeps running those “raised by wolves” commercials, 50 Cent’s career and, of course, 50 Cent. C’mon, readers, I know y’all have some to add.
Question…When did American high schools eliminate their dress codes? I live across the street from Mira Mesa High here in San Doggy Dogg and I’ve seen club-crawling hoochies wearing more clothes. Don’t get me wrong: a brutha ain’t complaining. In fact, it’s the primary reason why I could never try’n teach in the public school system. Low ridin’ jeans, t-back draws, bare midriffs and blossoming cleavage…I’m a 6 o’clock news story waitin’ to happen.
When I say “good”, y’all say “ness”…
The Mega Powers Magic Stick Explodes!
Y’all can add Lil’ Kim’s name to the list of rappers who 50 Cent is beefin’ with. Last week, on Funkmaster Flex’s insipid Hot 97 show, 50 rolled through with his G-Unit Crew and spit over a handful of hot tracks. The freestyle session came to a halt when 50 dropped this verse on Kim
I wrote Magic Stick/ I gave Kim a hit/ then I refused to shoot the video, she threw a little fit/ got emotional and shit/ now this I don’t get/ why would I care about your emotions, you’re not my bitch
Hit me up if you want the entire audio, which runs about 15 minutes, and has Flex kissin’ 50’s ass from here to across the street. Lil’ Kim…50 Cent…whose side do you take in that war? By the way, Kim…it might be time to squeeze in a Lil’ Gym between your hourly feedings at White Castle. I’m startin’ to have Ms. Melody flashbacks.
What Happened To My Money Right Thurr?
God Bless You, Philadelphia. Your football team sucks, your weather is lousy and Allen Iverson has ruined the NBA…but at least you know when to jack an annoying rapper. Chingy drew a larger than anticipated crowd to The Gallery Mall in Philly last weekend. He was out for barely a minute when the crowd mobbed the stage and relived him of an undisclosed amount of cash and jewelry. Nice. Hey, Chingy…if you bring any sum of coin to a rap concert, you deserved to get robbed. Oh, and only women wear “jewelry”. If you’re a man with more than one ring or one slim chain, then you’re a biiatch. It’s really that simple.
Britney & Sapphire…If You Weeel
Last week, I made a passing comment to the superiority of the Japanese educational system. Need more proof? Masahiko Shizawa has been served a permanent restraining order on behalf of Britney Spears. Shizawa has allegedly been stalking Britney for over a year and has reportedly been sending her pictures of himself, hand-written notes and crude requests to “be near her”. Bah…I did all those things to former WWF diva, Sweet Sapphire back in 1990. I admit to being smitten with her wet…sweaty ass crack, her moist…jheri curl and her purring promos, like this one from Wrestlemania VI…”Cuz there ain’t no king and queen, not no more!” That’s right, boo…not no more.
I Believe That He’s High
Memo to entertainers everywhere: Don’t say everything you think. R&B singer and accused bad, bad man, R. Kelly has compared his “plight” with that of Osama bin Laden. In a successful attempt to piss away any goodwill that he’s built up over the last few months, Kelly whined, “bin Laden is the only one who knows exactly what I’m going through”. Gee, I hope that his legal team has a better strategy than playing the “compare myself to the most wanted man in the world” defense. Although, if it keeps that rumored collabo with Cash Money from coming out, then maybe a little time with Beecher and Adebisi wouldn’t be such a bad thing for R. Kelly. Got any teets?
Madonna’s new kid
America’s Favorite 45 year old bisexual whore/responsible mom wants another kid. Madonna has scheduled a doctor’s visit for early next week to get her physician’s ‘ok’. See, I just knew it. One of Mrs. Bootleg’s favorite complaints over the years was that she needed to have a kid before she reached her mid-30s. She’s heard reports that women 35 and over go through some biological process that makes it more difficult to conceive. My research tells me it’s known as wrinkles, crow’s feet, gray hair and middle-aged spread. Maybe if these moo cows walked the two blocks to the post office, instead of oozing in the minivan, their husbands might not look for lovin’ in the arms of Shanté…the new HR secretary on the sixth floor. Hypothetically speaking.
Puff, Puff, Give, Puff, Puff, Give
Puff Daddy and lawsuits…the two go together like Kris and Kross or Vicious and Delicious. This time, it’s the cancer log purveyors of Moore & Bode who are takin’ Diddy to court. They claim that his video for Shake Ya Tail Feather exposes their ancient Chinese secret of cigar making…to the world. Does anyone think that the indentured Cuban servants who make these smoky phallic symbols actually sit around their basement/office watchin’ DJ Clue and La La on MTV2, when suddenly this video plays? “Look, Fidel…it’s the long awaited collabo between Bad Boy and Derrty Entertainment! Hey, aren’t those Moore & Bode cigars? So, that’s how they do it!”
Didn’t You Used To Be…V
Now, I’ve seen it all. R&B Queen of the Thong Song, Sisqó was arrested last weekend. No, he wasn’t caught in an Arizona public restroom with that Wham! Guy…he was actually nabbed for firing a gun at a neighbor’s car. Sisqó with a gun…he claims that he’s been receiving death threats and needed the gun for his protection. After posting bail of $175,000, here’s hoping that Sisqó can put this unpleasantness behind him and focus on doing what he does best: Accepting rides from Eddie Murphy and his possé at 4:30 AM on dimly lit Los Angeles streets.
Let’s All Go To The Lobby
One of these days…in the not-too-distant future, LL Cool J is gonna have a smash hit movie. We can all safely say that Mindhunters ain’t that movie. Why the rush to judgement? Let’s start with the casting of his co-stars, Val Kilmer and Christian Slater. Island of Dr. Moreau and Broken Arrow…now, there’s a dual résumé that’s sure to pack in the audience. Let’s just go ahead and say what everyone’s thinking: Kilmer peaked at Top Secret while Slater peaked at…uh…well, it’s a toss-up between Gleaming The Cube and Star Trek VI. This new flick will be in theaters on January 9…and out of them by January 15.
C-Murder Trial
Jury selection began this week in the trial of former No Limit Soldier and WCW Superstar, C-Murder. Mr. Murder (nee Corey Miller) is charged with the fatal shooting of a 16-year-old in a New Orleans nightclub. In the interest of full disclosure, I had a really bad joke about this cat changing his name to C-Aggravated Assault, but in the interest of y’all, I’ll squash that one and recycle this one: The aspiration of every man, woman and child in the Bayou is to become night manager at Popeye’s or a jigglin’ ho in a Baby video. Just plead guilty C and you’re sure to get better living conditions than the projects of New Orleans could offer “on the outside”.
Sometimes The News Just Writes Itself
Any comic book readers in the audience? MTV diva Jessica Simpson is headin’ for the Silver Surfer Screen in the adaptation of Marvel’s Mort The Dead Teenager, which will be executive produced by Quentin Tarantino. Lord knows, he could use a hit. Wasn’t Pulp Fiction supposed to be the start of the “Quentin Era” in film? Wasn’t Jackie Brown supposed to resuscitate the career of Pam Grier? And, damn it, where’s the Ambush Bug or Blue Devil movies? Can’t say I’ve ever heard of Mort as I was born and raised on DC. If there was ever a better run on comics than New Teen Titans, 1980-1984, then I haven’t seen it. Why do I feel like I’ve just lost my entire audience? Now, I know how Chris O’Donnell feels.
General Haberdashery
I’m really happy about the positive residue I’ve received since aligning myself with the two best news columnists on this site. In rasslin’, it’s call a “rub”…but, I prefer the very less gay sounding “halo effect”.
This weekend, be sure to leer through another edition of 3 The Hard Way starring Fernandez as Al Bundy, Smilo as Jefferson D’Arcy and me as the Black shoe selling intern who joined the Married with Children cast briefly and now is known as Coach on WWE broadcasts.
Daniels opines on Universal’s price drop for their albums and has the last word on the VMAs.
Mathan omits themes from The Transformers, G.I. Joe, Hong Kong Phooey, Animaniacs and Danger Mouse. You can hate him now.
Brian debuts a shiny metallic column…we’ll even let his unauthorized use of “goodness” slide.
Junk Mail
There’s been a general theme to some of my more recent CD reviews. JayDogKeepItReal (sigh) returns to 411 to sum up all y’alls thoughts:
I agree with what most of your reader’s (criticisms) sent in (last week). That review you gave Mary’s album was f*cked up. That Bad Boy II soundtrack is also hot too. I understand that it’s your opinion that counts when you’re reviewing the LP’s, but maybe u should start buying some more albums that you actually like, instead of hip-hop albums that you hate and enjoy saying negative things about. You’re one my favorite writers on the net, but reading your negative comments about how bad CD’s have been is starting to read like more of a Scott Keith rant than an actual CD rant. C’mon Aaron, step yo game up my n#gga.
I’ve received about a dozen of these letters all sayin’ the same thang. People…I don’t enjoy shittin’ on albums. Well, I take that back. I do enjoy shittin’ on really, really bad albums. But, sometimes, it seems I can’t win for losin’. I slam cats like Chingy and Bow Wow and get reams of hate mail. I praise Can-I-Bus and Joe Budden and get reams of hate mail. I’ll always give y’all this forum to offer up rebuttals to any reviews I write. If you disagree that strongly with me, let me know and your voice will be heard. Remember…you can’t spell “Bootleg”, without “You”. Wait a minute…
Lenny returns from the fifth flo’…
Sup Cam (dipset, dipset), haven’t read the column in while, but its still going strong. I read your Mary review and I agree with it. I was disappointed in the album. I give you props on not giving her a better review for her past work. Mary is going into that Beyonce/Ashanti pop-r&b bullshit area with this album. I’ve been a Mary fan from the jump and this is easily the worst album she’s put out.
On to the Canibus review, I’m not a huge Can-I fan but that album is f*cking dope. He finally got a cd with good production and son killed it. It sucks that 90% of rap fans won’t hear a track. This cd will be one of the few cds I buy this year.
No mention of Bow Wizzie, because one look at the video he did with Baby gave me the chills. It was funny though she him trying to holla at women a foot taller than him. Welcome to midgetville Bow, population you, Larenz Tate and Jermaine Dupri.
Finally, Gangstarr. I’ve grown fond of them over the years and this album is no different. Premier (the most consistent producer in rap history and one of the 5 greatest ever) continues to lace guru’s raps with good beats. The guest appearances are strong as well.
I disagree with something you said in you rap review though. I think you can’t say rap has a old school and a new school, because that’s too vague. The reason I say that is you can’t lump Rakim, G-Rap, N.W.A. and Big Daddy Kane with Run DMC and Sugarhill when what Rakim and others did in their beginnings is still being done today. I’m mixed on if new school cats better than old school, because I feel Rakim shits on Nas (depends on which Nas though 91-96 or the current bullshit). Jigga, Snoop vs. a young Ice Cube, would get murdered. Outkast kills Run-DMC’s silly bs, but they lose to Tribe. And Biggie, Pac, Pun, Big L and Meth would slaughter anyone, so maybe you’re on to something.
Enough of the rambling I need sleep.
Nick Demola, Football Prognosticating God sent this to me in regards to the Raiders vs. Bengals tilt, before last week’s games were played:
Play the over. Bengals cover… … and win. Johnson, Warrick, and all those big, fast recievers Cincy has are going to expose the injury-depleted, HIGHLY OVERRATED Raiders secondary. Watch C-Wood get torched by Chad Johnson. Watch a star be born. Cincy 38, Oaktown 31
‘K…so he missed on the final score, but everything else came to pass. Starting next week, any of y’all can send me a prediction for one of the NFL games that week. If you’re funnier or more insightful than Smooth Jimmy Apollo, I’ll put your pick in with the rest of the goodness and hand out full pimpin’ privleges.
Pretend Football
So, I retooled for Week #2 and end up playin’ against Jamal Lewis and his three million yards rushing last Sunday. I’m gonna take my chances with Tommy Maddox at QB and cross my fingers. Hey, is Keyshawn Johnson the most overrated player in the league today? Discuss.
Here’s your current 2003 Bootleggers roster:
QB: Marc Bulger (STL), Brad Johnson (TB), Tommy Maddox (PIT)
RB: L. Tomlinson (SD), Tiki Barber (NYG), Garrison Hearst (SF)
WR: K. Johnson (TB), Randy Moss (MIN), Rod Smith (DEN), D. Jackson (SEA), C. Rogers (DET)
TE: Todd Heap (BAL), Freddie Jones (ARI)
K: John Carney (NO)
Aaron The Greek
Green Bay Packers – 31, Arizona Cardinals – 3 (Smooth Jimmy’s Lock of the Week)
The Cards are the league’s worst team. Bet the wife n’ kids on this one.
Aaron’s Oakland Raiders – 24, Denver Broncos – 20
Despite last week’s near implosion against the Bengals, I think Oakland bounces back big this week in Denver.
Coming Soon
My review of the DMX joint has been posted. Feedback has been split 50/50 so far, so give it a read and join the argument. I picked up the new Bubba Sparxxx album, as well, and a review for that should be up next week.
Oakland A’s Update: Jose Guillen is lost for the season with a broken hamate bone. Keith Foulke has back spasms. The offense only shows up about two games a week and Ted Freakin’ Lilly has been their hottest pitcher lately. It’s three against the Ichiros this weekend, then three with the powerful Pay-Rods.
Scared Str8
The wife celebrated another birthday last weekend. How did she celebrate? She spent the day in bed, with occasional detours to the bathroom for random vomiting. I can’t tell you how upsetting this has been. I’m tryin’ to watch a little football, then the A’s game on ESPN2 that night and Mrs. Bootleg can’t even close the bathroom door before she bows at the throne of King Ralph.
Find out what happens when a guy from Connecticut spends a week with The Bootleg in San Diego. Get at me on AOL or Yahoo IM: ajcameron13
