Junk News, Huzzah! 09.18.03


Hi everyone! I hope you’re ready to laugh. If not, well, I probably won’t be that funny anyway.

Before we begin, I read something in Eric S’ column that made me think.

“When I write negative things about WWE programming, people write into me telling me that if I “don’t like wrestling” (fallacy of synechdoche, mistaking a part for the whole), I shouldn’t watch it. When I tell people not to watch it, people write into me telling me “How dare a wrestling writer tell people not to watch wrestling?”. I can’t win.”

See, I completely understand what Eric is going through because it is getting harder to be a fan of wrestling without dishing out 40 bucks a month for a hit or miss PPV that is on the same time as The West Wing. At the same time, should someone who calls for a boycott of wrestling be writing a wrestling column?

I am an Eric S fan. The longer he’s on the net, the better for us Eric S fans. That’s why I’m going to propose something a little different, something I would be excited for: Let’s create a politics section. With the upcoming Presidential Election, with the fine group of humorists and educated people Widro and Ashish have writing for the site and the different view points they have represented here, it would be a perfect fit for the site. Eric could write a column without having to be forced to watch Raw. I’d pitch in, and I’m sure Flea, Hyatte and maybe even Keith would be interested. Daniels would well, Daniels is inbred.

I know you readers come to 411 to read about wrestling, but wouldn’t you also like to be educated a little without feeling like you shouldn’t be being educated at the time? By that I mean reading about politics in what you suspected to be a wrestling column. Eric, this is not any kind of a knock on you. I think this would make you happy, and I’d love to see you happy. I’d do anything to make you happy. Anything. Any. Thing. Cue porno music.

In an attempt to keep the column fresh, I’m going to do some experimenting today. We’ll try some new gimmicks that everyone has done. Read that line 3 times and tell me you didn’t smile. I dare you.

Anyway, let’s give a new format a try, beginning with

Grutman’s Top 10 Wrestlers of the Week

Actually, that’s not very original. Let’s try

Grutman’s Top 10,000 Wrestlers of the Week

Yeah! There we go.

10,000. “The Whip” Eric Martin (UFWV)
9,999. Big Mike Alanstine (NTSUE)
9,998. The Paraplegic (HTW)
9,997. “Cool Cucumber” Jones (IBMDASEFXCRW Champion)
9,996. The Wrestler Formerly Known As Prince (Whereabouts Unknown)
9,995. Bill Goldberg (WWE)
9,994. “Mr. Noodle Head” Terry Kowalski the III (NHTWXON)

This is tiring. Let’s just skip ahead a bit.

1. The Big Show.

And there are your top 10,000 wrestlers of the week! While many would argue with the people I placed at 8,432 and 3,123, you won’t because you don’t know who I put here.

You can vote whether or not to keep this bit by e-mailing me at VPJG@aol.com! Remember, your vote counts.


I guess the top story this week is Brock Lesnar vs. Kurt Angle. How can you joke about the passion that these two men put into the hour long wrestling match this week on Smackdown though? Instead, I’ve decided to let my good friend KC write a report of the match. KC can not type as he is my dog, but I’m sure he has a lot of interesting insight to pass on.

Hi. My name is KC. I’m a recovering alcoholic and Josh’s dog. I’m a black lab and the Grutman family has a white cat, which means I’ve been the victim of discrimination throughout my life. Good God I need a drink.

I’m sorry. Josh asked me to talk about the Iron Man Match, Brock Lesnar vs. Kurt Angle. Being that I wasn’t at the taping, I haven’t seen it yet. I apologize. I am a bad dog. I am a bad, bad dog. I’m going to slink into the backyard until dinner.

Okay. That was horrible. But vote whether or not to keep this bit by e-mailing me at VPJG@aol.com! Remember, your vote counts.

Screw This Crap! It’s 1:30! Junk News, Huzzah!

Well, that was fun while it lasted. At least for me it was. I was going to do the Hate Site of the Week thing, and I found a great one for the Texas KKK (anyone except homosexuals and inter-racial couples can apparently join) but I’ll leave that stuff to the professionals. Anyway, moving forward

Raven got his hair cut when the mystery man attacking him revealed himself to be Vampiro and cost Raven his match against Shane Douglas. The now bald Raven has lost all emotion and become stone cold.

Triple H and Randy Orton appear on Byte This today, probably to talk about how their lives have changed since they started having sex.

Kurt Angle’s sister has died and he has been pulled from weekend house shows. The thoughts of 411mania.com are with the Angle family, Venus and Serena Williams’ family, the Ritter family, friends and family of Johnny Cash, and the friends and family of the other 10 famous people who died this week. Meanwhile, Widro is on vacation. All of these people don’t even get to live anymore, and Widro, rather than join us in giving his thoughts to their families, has taken a vacation. For shame, Widro. For shame!

Brock Lesnar and Shelton Benjamin both have knee injuries. The thoughts of 411mania.com, except for Widro’s, are with their knees.

The Big Show will be wrestling in several matches at the house shows. I think 5 a night or something. It’s going to rule all.

Vince McMahon has been inducted to the MSG Walk of Fame, joining the monster Truck Bigfoot and WHAM!

Steve Austin appeared on The Best Damned Sports Show, which is ironically enough a terrible show. Really shitty. Kill Tom Arnold.

And that’s it. Not much this week from me.

Junk News Huzzah.


Yes, new writers. While I would have preferred to have seen Queered Al Yankstostorm at the site (Queered, I said your name, now quit bugging me), we instead have lots of new guys who are not gay or in love with Lance Storm. Make sure to go to www.411mania.com/wrestling/columns and check all of them out.

Brian Cole has taken over for Letawsky as the Ask 411 Guy. Brian Cole seems like a nice enough fellow and will make a great addition to 411. I don’t know what website he has written for before, but it’s all good. Welcome Brian!

Sean Carless, currently, yes, without a car, is well oh my God. He’s me! Holy shit, I’m writing another column for the site! I mean, at least NoS is different than me with his parody, which he was doing way before me by the way. This guy he’s doing my bit! STOP DOING MY BIT GUY! Kidding. You know what? It’s actually funny. Considering the lackluster effort I put in this week, you should check it out for your fill of Junk News. Sean, just try to get this posted on Saturday or Monday or something from now on. Leave me the middle of the week you RIP OFF! STOP DOING MY BIT! But really, great column. Keep up the STOP DOING MY BIT!

Matt Nute is apparently going to spend each of his columns talking about a winning move. He begins with Triple H’s Pedigree. Next Week? If there is a God, Crush’s Heart Punch.

Dr. Gonzo does a little wrap up of all of the shows from the week. I hear Daniels is filing suit for Copyright Infringement.

Jason Taylor is doing a column called Stating The Obvious, and it lives up to its title by stating everything that everyone else on the Internet has been saying.

No Blading this week (Ash, Wid, give the girl her own column. She’s doing so well.) Be on the lookout this week possibly for a couple of more new columnists, including a person I believe to be the funniest man on the Internet. That’s a maybe.

My name is Josh and I’ll be back next week with a big column. Or another thrown together one. Whatever.