The Weekend Hotline: 9.20.03

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I’m going to try something new this week. As you read this, I’m in Montreal but I’m actually trying to write the column early so I can submit it into the queue and actually try to be dependable for once. Considering it’s actually a PPV weekend and all.

I have to be honest, though, I didn’t watch a whole lot of Raw considering I was stuck watching the Giants in a losing effort until 1:30 in the morning. All I have to say to it: I see people blaming Collins and people blaming Bryant, but no one is placing the blame squarely where it belongs on Jim Fassel’s ass-like play calling. You’re tied with 14 seconds left on the clock and one timeout left. What do you do? You let the f*cking clock run down to 2 seconds and use your goddam timeout, that’s what you do. You don’t kick it with 14 seconds left and give plays.

And, to make matters worse, you don’t call a freakin squib kick, which has the best chance in the world of going off the sidelines considering the stupid ways footballs bounce. You kick it out of the end zone and let your stupid special teams make a tackle. Nothing about the Giants last 20 seconds of game play was smart. Not even close. So, now we get to go up against a tight-looking skins team after an inexcusable division loss.

Gross.

For the second weekend in a row, I’m heading up to Montreal. This trip is with the girl though, so Club Supersex probably isn’t going to happen or maybe it will. All I can say for sure is the people we’re going with want to leave at 6:30 in the AM. Which blows hard. Does no one understand the concept of a weekend.

Note to Dr Gonzo. I do your column already, chief. In the Hotline. Expect a forthcoming Copyright Infringement Lawsuit. Served by Grutman. (He’s Jewish, he must be a lawyer).

Note to Grutman: are you calling me inbred because I OWNED YOU IN THE LAST Grut vs Daniels? I bet I did, cuz I ain’t heard from you in weeks. See folks, after I own Grut, he runs scared for a few weeks, and since I own him every time, the columns come out with large intervals.

The Week In Wrestling

It’s my gimmick, I can continue to use it. We’re in a week leading up to a PPV, that means the stuff’s got to be good right?

Right?

Raw

The show opened with a protest. The Ex-Blonde Frizzy Canadians came out to protest the reign of Stone Cold Steve Austin as GM, primarily because Austin gave Jericho a Stunner last week. In the funniest bit of the week, Austin describes Jericho’s pat on the back. “You slapped me on the back, attacked me from behind, knocked the wind outta me. How could I know what you would do next?” Christian was upset at being left out of Unforgiven, so he was protesting that so he set up an immediate Jericho vs RVD match for who would get to face Christian at Unforgiven. The match ended when Christian laid out both Jericho and RVD with the belt for the No Contest.

Austin returned to tell Christian that he would now have to face BOTH guys in a Triple Threat Match.

OK, I had two problems with this segment, and I’m going to tell you why.

1. Why do both guys have to act as though they are terrified of Austin? Austin doesn’t wrestle, there’s no reason that guys who they are trying to get over should have to be terrified of someone who isn’t protected. The better storyline here is Jericho and Christian running down Austin and Austin continually getting more and more heated everytime something happens. You should be able to watch the frustration setting in and you should be able to see Jericho reveling in the fact that Austin can’t do anything to him. You shouldn’t have him try to swing and then pass it off on Christian. It’s stupid.

2. And more importantly. Why are we setting up matches the week before a PPV? I mean, you have a month to sell your show what is the point of trying to sell it in one shot six days before hand? Can’t we have some sort of build-up? Is it any wonder buyrates are dropping? Nobody has any time to get motivated for big matches anymore.

Goldberg beat Hogan on Nitro, you know. I was watching this clip, and I remember watching it live and the reaction for Goldberg was incredible. I think over the course of five years, I forgot how much the WCW freaks liked him. Man, did they ever f*ck up a meal ticket by having Nash beat him. At that point, Goldberg was one of the ONLY things making people watch Nitro.

Spike Dudley again defied death last week when La Resistance totally missed a table spot but hit it just enough so ONLY Spike’s head hit the table. Way to be guys. Spike, I guess, was OK and came out for a thirty second match with Rob Conway. Who is this douchebag anyway? Anyone got a good nickname for him? He’s so generic I can’t come up with one.

Victoria vs Moolah. What? Even worse, Moolah won. Oy.

Dust Storm jobbed out to Team Teddy Long. One of these two teams have a chance at getting people to like them it wasn’t the team that won. I don’t care HOW good Peanuthead is, it’s not going to help two guys with absolute ZERO charisma. Lance and Dust work well off each other, because of the polarized personality, much like Al Snow and Steve Blackman did a few years ago. Thing is, Golddust is weirder than Al Snow and Lance Storm is actually much better at the boring gimmick than even Steve Blackman was. Why build these guys as a team and then feed them to a team that has NO shot. They might as well cut their losses on Mark Henry and dump him. Mack is going nowhere like this.

Kane and Shane sign release forms for their PPV match. Whatever.

Trish was getting a post match beat down by Molly and Gail Kim, and Lita makes the save. Anyone want to tell me when Lita was re-hired, because the last time we saw her, Bischoff fired her, didn’t he? Ah, the wonders of WWE Storyline continuity. Gotta love it. If it happened three months ago, it never happened.

Still pushing the JR/Lawler vs Coach/Snow match, we get an impromptu match between Lawler and Storm. Oddly, no one cares I have a good idea why since NO ONE CARES ABOUT MATCHES BETWEEN ANNOUNCERS YOU STUPID, STUPID ASSHATS.

And finally, the main event was a HHH interview that lasted, I could be wrong but I think, about three hours. The most exciting part of the interview was when the mic died. Blah blah blah hype blah marketing blah real deal. All shit he’s been saying for four weeks. It was an awful waste of my time that could have been better spent doing something else like watching the Giants lose. Oh wait, I did that, too. I like Goldie’s chances less and less as the weeks go on and I got an itchy feeling that HHH is keeping the belt this weekend.

Smackdown

Show opened with a few short matches, which we can ignore for brevity. However, I will note that Linda (I refuse to call her Shaniqua till I get a good explanation) Miles pinned Nidia in a handicapped match. This rates up there with Ultimate Warrior pinning Pistol Pez Whatley.

For some reason, Vince’s people are trying to get Steph to quit rather than, you know, have her fired. Any reason why Vince can’t fire her. Oh, that’s right Shane owns par err, no Ric Flair owns um, nope that ain’t it. I refuse to comment any more on this under protest of stupidity.

Terrific tag match for the Smackdown Tag Titles, however I question putting the titles on Eddie with Chavo. Eddie is breaking out as a singles competitor right now, and it seems counter-productive to stick him back with Chavo. Unless this sets up yet ANOTHER turn from Eddie down the line, but I would suggest it be soon.

The rest of the show was the Ironman match, in which Lesnar regained the title 5 falls to 4. Regardless of what Keith says, the match is well worth your time if you want to sit through a really good match. However, I will agree with him in that this match needs to be on a DVD in it’s uncut form hopefully on a DVD that recaps Angle and Lesnar’s whole feud over the last six months. I’d drop the cash on that.

Unforgiven Preview

Not exactly the world’s most stellar card for the second Raw-only brand PPV.

Dudley Boys vs La Resistance & Rob Conway: This Conway guy again? Did I go to high school with him or something. Regardless, I gotta agree with Pank here and say I don’t think this match will happen in this form. I think it’ll end up being the two guys come out and say the match can’t take place and Austin will come out and make it two-on-two for the tag titles. I do, however, have a feeling they’ll give it to Conway and the other guy, and then put the tag belts on the shelf for a bit while they rebuild the division of course, they’ve been “rebuilding the division” for about six months now and nothing much seems to be happening with it. Therefore, I’m giving the match to the two guys who no one cares about. If they decide to break up the team, they can always invoke the “30 day clause” and strip them of the titles.

Winner and Still Champion: Rob Conway and Rene Dupree

Coach & Al Snow vs Lawler & Ross: Who the f*ck cares? However the only reason I even see a point to it is to have Coach and Snow win, but whoever said the WWE needs a point to do anything. However, I’m hoping they have a plan here.

Winner: Coach and Al Snow.

Kane vs Shane McMahon: I don’t know why people are all in arms about this angle. Shane is great, and his matches are wonderful and I’m pretty sure the only one he’s ever won is against his father, because the time merited it. He’s going to lose here, and I’m sure something bad will happen to him to send him off TV for another length of time, it just depends on what the hell he’s going to let Kane do to him. Whatever it is, I’m sure it will allow Kane to look like a serious monster again.

Winner: Kane

Trish & Lita vs Gail & Molly: I’m assuming Lita gets the big win in her first match back. I’m hoping Lita gets naked in her first match back. One’s more likely than the other.

Winners: Trish & Lita.

Shawn Michaels vs Randy Orton: If they don’t give Orton the win over HBK, then all they’ve done in the last few months means nothing. Orton has a viable gimmick in “Legend Killer,” but they certainly need to give him some legends to kill. HBK is, at the very least, a legend in his own mind, but he exudes enough confidence to give other people that vibe as well. A win over here, a CLEAN win here, will send Randy to the next level. Especially since he’s been on HHH’s team, HHH hasn’t been worried about sucking any of his heat away by beating him. This is their chance to capitalize on something new. Let’s see if they go for it.

Winner: Randy Orton.

Test vs Scott Steiner for Stacey: Can you say: it was a setup all along? I thought you could.

Winner: Test with a Stacey turn on Scott.

Christian vs RVD vs Jericho: This match has absolutely no reason to suck, therefore it better not. Every single guy in this match would be OK with the IC title, but with HHH going away for a month, I see them bumping Jericho into Goldberg’s way and RVD is, well, RVD. Christian is WAY too good with the Intercontinental Title and WAY too hot right now to remove it. Christian should keep it via dubious means and let him keep running with it.

Winner: Christian.

HHH vs Goldberg: On one hand, you have HHH getting married in October. On the other hand, you have the fact that it’s HHH. I would like to say it’s a no brainer that HHH is going to win, but I can’t. However, with Goldberg’s career on the line, I have to go with the expected here and give the win to Goldberg.

Winner: Goldberg.

I have about a 50/50 shot of being home from Montreal in time to see this on Sunday. So tune in next week to see if I made it.

In Other Reading

Not much in the line of news as I’m writing this, so I’ll leave it where it is.

Chris Biscuiti asks the pertinent, and actually quite important question, Has Stone Cold Jumped the Shark.

Murphy joins the darkside with one of the most sarcastic pieces I’ve ever read. Welcome to the darkside, Dave.

One of the new guys with his New column.

Brian Cole, who I’m pretty sure wrote somewhere else before here has taken over for Letawsky on the Ask411 front. He’s fine with me until he claims he has 3000 unread questions. I also liked Letawsky, so he’s got some work to do.

In Conclusion

That’s it for this week. As you read this, I’m probably looking at some ridiculous landmark in Montreal and, unfortunately, probably not looking at Strippers.

Till next week.