Welcome back to an all new Junk News. John Stewart won the Emmy, Daniels defeated me in a debate he didn’t even take part in, and a simple mistake made me almost leave the site yesterday. All is right in the world.
So, I’m going to begin with a mention of reader MattY B. He is a rapper and has new album coming out. He sent me the whole thing and it wasn’t that bad at all. While I am by no means a music critic, you can listen for yourself at http://www.zebox.com/mattyb/. I especially enjoyed Never Seen, and you can email Matty at Habbeeb13@aol.com to ask him to send it to you. Good job Matty.
Now for some anger. If you don’t like columnists who bash wrestling or Smackdown spoilers, just go right down to Junk News. You get to avoid both.
Smackdown begins with a great opening premise, that being John Cena feuding with Kurt Angle. There’s 1 reason to watch wrestling right off the bat.
Eddie Guerrero begins a feud with Matt Hardy while setting up a story for the 0Charlie Haas/Eddie match later on .That’s excellent! There are now 2-3 reasons to watch wrestling instead of Friends or Survivor or whatever.
A-Train beats on the time keeper and then Chris Benoit. That’s okay. It’s not a reason to watch wrestling, but it’s not a reason to not watch wrestling.
Tajiri fights Rey in a what has been called a good, long match. Excellent. 3 reasons to watch!
Jaime Noble and Bradshaw fight the Bashams. I guess it depends how you feel about these wrestlers and the female subplot, but there is no reason to not watch wrestling.
The Big Show beats up on two jobbers and then attacks Eddie before his match. So this means Eddie vs. The Big Show. What a waste. That’s a reason not to watch.
Vince hits on Sable and Stephanie wanders in to remind Vince she’s not quitting. You’ll find better acting on Animal Planet. That’s a reason not to watch.
Eddie fights Charlie Haas. Sounds good. That’s a reason to watch.
Stephanie makes a match between the Undertaker and Brock Lesnar at No Mercy. Didn’t they do that already last year? But here’s the kicker. Here’s the big one. Vince is so angry about this, he makes a match with between himself and his daughter at No Mercy. An I Quit match.
How can we watch this shit, how can we simply read this shit and not feel like idiots for being fans? Are we this stupid that we enjoy this crap? I don’t care if they have 800 5 star Keith matches a night, isn’t there something else on besides the McMahon BJfest? Why the hell would we do this to ourselves? Every time they almost get it right (see last week) it goes horribly wrong, and I don’t know how much longer I want to write about it. Maybe there’s an opening for a jokester in the movies section. Wrestling sucks.
Time to put on the happy face. You guys have been good to me, and you deserve what you expect.
JUNK NEWS! HUZZAH!
Nothing much happened on TNA this week accept for the appearance of HHH in the front row. What’s THAT about?
Congrats to Vince McMahon for no longer being a member of the Fortune 400! To celebrate, he’s going to make us pay him to see him fight his daughter in a submission match.
Steve Blackman may have surgery to stop the headaches, or as he jokingly refers to them, “The voices that tell me to kill you. Yes, YOU!â€Â
Johnny Swinger was not scheduled to be at TNA last night because of a ruptured appendix. I’d confirm he wasn’t on the show, but I’m too damn lazy to read the NWA report.
Mark Henry destroyed Lance Storm’s pelvis. Now when we say, “Mark Henry sucks hard,†we know who he sucks.
Lance Storm had trouble walking after his match with Mark Henry. Not needing another invalid around, the WWE fired Lance Storm.
Nobody is rushing to bring back Nathan Jones except for Brian Gerwitz, and he’s so coked up he’s always rushing for everything.
The Rock’s The Rundown has been receiving positive reviews from most critics. This may mark the end of the record setting awful streak for movies starring professional wrestlers at 903.
Triple H is going to take a sabbatical from the WWE to prepare for his wedding, act in Blade: Trinity and make our hearts grow fonder. Don’t let the door hit your ass on the way out, Triple H! You big nothing! You go, you take your monopolizing of Raw and your booking and suppressing RVD with you! You You monster! I hate you! We all hate you!
Hey, I don’t mean to be a party pooper, but has anyone seen how bad Raw has been lately? I mean, the Goldberg-Jericho match was pretty lousy. Maybe, and I know I’m going to be unpopular for saying this, but maybe what it needed was Triple H. I’m just saying!
Triple H, please come back. Raw isn’t the same without you. We thought it would be better. We were wrong. Hunter, Michael, I forget what your real name is, please end this torture! I’m counting the seconds until your return. I’m at 5, and it’s horrible! Now I’m at 7. Please return soon. 12.
25. I took a pause to cry.
The Raw rating has dropped to a 3.6 from a 3.7. That’s not horrible at first, until you look at it completely out of scale with .1 of a rating point representing 1 billion people.
Last week 1 BILLION PEOPLE decided to stop watching Raw. Vince McMahon is crushed and panicking.
The Rock may never wrestle again. Or, he may wrestle all the time. It all depends on what reality you’re in. You ever see the show Sliders? I bet in one reality, the Rock is a jive policeman. In another reality, the Rock is the defender of the Earth against the aliens. In another reality, the Rock is best friends with a recluse named Eric S. You see, everything can be everything at the same time in different realities. So don’t fret, wrestling fans! The Rock will wrestle again!
The WWE would like Al Snow to move to Stamford. Al is cool with it so long as he gets to bring along his life partner Samantha the Ugly Transvestite, full name, legally changed.
Junk News! Huzzah!
Plugs!
Daniels and I have our most intense debate EVER.
Haley survived the hurricane and has pictures! The eternal optimist rides again.
I miss Letawsky, but Brian Cole knows his shit.
Blading
My first wrestling class was one I will always remember. Walking into the basement of a gym, and seeing this huge boxing ring for the first time (we only had a boxing ring till we went to another location, that was just for wrestling). Touching the ropes, feeling the turnbuckle, looking under the ring, and seeing the wood!
My first class my friend Dan-o-Matic and I went into the training together. June 1, 2002. We got into the ring, and had to do the warm up. Now, let me tell you, I was in such bad shape, that warm up almost killed me!
We started out with 25 push ups, sit ups, squats, and sumo-squats. We then learned to how to run the ropes, and the turnbuckles. Dan liked doing the ropes, and I like the turnbuckles better. He would hit his head on the top of the top turnbuckle, because he’s only 5 foot, and I would get the bruises that the wrestlers get from the ropes. So I enjoyed learning turnbuckles more.
We then went on to learn the basic chain wrestling. Lock up’s, hammerlock, headlocks, and so on.
Got to meet a bunch of great guys (no girls in any classes until about six months later) including a future WWE superstar (I’m sure if it) nephew of Tiger Ali Singh, Raj ‘the future’ Tiger. 16 years old and 6 foot 3, 250 pounds of muscle, and great wrestler.
I was being trained today by Rick ‘Razor’ Titan (the former second Razor Ramon, when Razor and Diesel left to WCW, Kane was the second Diesel) and also later be trained by Bad News Allen, Gerry Morrow, Johnny Lee, Johnny Devine, Johnny Handsome (man, that’s a lot of Johnny’s) and Mike Myers.
Mike was the first teacher that actually saw something in me. When he just started training me, he would take me aside and make me bump over and over again. I really didn’t like it at first, but this bumping helped me out so much and made me able to bump like Mick Foley. Mike also taught me my first elbow. First off the ground, then first and second rope. And the he taught me the top rope flying elbow that I love so much. He also taught me moonsaults, and the first couple times I did it, he spotted me, and I would have landed on my head if he wasn’t there to spot me. I still don’t have that move down very good, I’m really scared to injure my neck again, so I’m waiting for the day that he spots me again.
My next match, set for Oct.18, in Barehead Alberta. I’m going head to head with a girl named Starr, and hopefully this match turns out good.
bladehwc@yahoo.ca
Okay. Well, to end this Daniels and I were pretty steamed at some of the new writers. To be fair, one was recently fired. Widro and Ash know what they’re doing.
So we did a Grut vs. Daniels essentially to bash the newbies. Some of you will say that nobody did this to us so we shouldn’t do this to them. Screw some of them. We were good. Some of you aren’t and deserve this.
So I’ll have the first half and Daniels will have the second half. Enjoy the bashing and have a goodnight. See you next week. I’ll won’t be negative then.
Grutman vs. Daniels
VPJG: Welcome back to an all new Grutman vs. Daniels! Daniels, welcome back.
VPJG: I heard you went to Montreal.
Kaisen316: I did.
Kaisen316: They LOVE me in Canada
Kaisen316: but then… Scott Keith and Bret Hart are national heroes
Kaisen316: …….nevermind
VPJG: Get any away messages? HahahahahaHAHAHAHAHAHA HA HA HA! Ha.
Kaisen316: Yeah, it’s amazing, I don’t even have to be online to own you.
VPJG: SHUT UP! Anyway, since you won the past two weeks NOBODY OWNS ME you get to pick the topic.
VPJG: I’M FUCKING GRUTMAN!
VPJG: Go ahead.
Kaisen316: Hm, I think we should debate the new site writers.
Kaisen316: Who is the best?
Kaisen316: err… well…. who sucks the least
VPJG: I think that’s a fair question.
VPJG: I’m going to go with….
VPJG: Umm….
VPJG: You pick first.
VPJG: By the way, I want all of you new writers to know that you’re welcome members of the 411 family.
Kaisen316: no, I insist
Kaisen316: I picked the topic
Kaisen316: you first
Kaisen316: that’s the rules
VPJG: Shit!
VPJG: Bryon Frazier.
VPJG: HA! I got the good one! Kind of.
Kaisen316: who?
VPJG: He writes a column about why he misses WCW.
VPJG: Man. While Widro was on vacation, Ash gave everyone and their mother a column.
Kaisen316: Except Blade, what happened to that yak?
VPJG: See, she should have her own column. She’s gotten better and at least writes from a UNIQUE viewpoint.
VPJG: Did you hear that new writers? UNIQUE!
Kaisen316: An aspiring wrestler who wrestles having a column on a wrestling site?
Kaisen316: no future in that Grutman
Kaisen316: instead, I think they should give a column to Dr Gonzo, who writes my column for me.
Kaisen316: oh wait
Kaisen316: they DID
VPJG: Hey! Dr. Gonzo is a hell of a… Doc.
VPJG: Half doctor half muppet.
VPJG: Of course he deserves a spot!
Kaisen316: That’s true
Kaisen316: and Gonzo is an alien
Kaisen316: So he could suck our brains if we said anything negative
VPJG: He met Hulk Hogan, didn’t he?
Kaisen316: What about the guy who writes about the finishers. He seems to have a thought in his head.
VPJG: Matt Nute? Yeah, but Eric S said that Matt is ripping him off. Eric S used to do the finisher bit, right?
Kaisen316: he did?
Kaisen316: Eric used to write elsewhere?
Kaisen316: Accentuate the positive… don’t we already have a guy that does that?
Kaisen316: damn
VPJG: I guess. TheMarks or something. By the way new writers, you are welcome parts of the 411 family. Look at Daniels and I as older brothers.
Kaisen316: Yeah, kind of like Wayne on that show with the Savage that didn’t bang Topenga
VPJG: I think positive guy might be gone already.
Kaisen316: We have a column entitled Back Leg Front Kick?
VPJG: Do we? I had no idea!
Kaisen316: Ummmmm, I pick Chris Biscuiti
VPJG: He’s not new!
VPJG: Back to Back Leg Front Kick! And I found the new positive guy. Haley or something like that.
Kaisen316: ok, how about Nemesis
Kaisen316: Can I have him?
VPJG: Nemesis is busy pissing off people in Slashland.
VPJG: Now, Sean Carless…
VPJG: I want all of you new rip off artists who claim to be doing your own thing to know you are part of the 411 family, and we all know that all families have the occasional retarded cousin or 20 NEW ONES!
Kaisen316: and those uncles and long lost half brothers you kind of hide
Kaisen316: or forget about
Kaisen316: or bury in the backyard
VPJG: And should keep hidden.
VPJG: It’s odd. I read Carless’ second report and found myself reading lines I WROTE YEARS AGO!
VPJG: YOU ARE A FAMILY MEMBER! QUIT STEALING MY CLOTHING!
VPJG: Well, at least we know he doesn’t borrow the car.
Kaisen316: Who is this joker that thinks he can fill Letawsky’s shoes?
VPJG: Brian Cole? I did a little snooping around and found this douche wrote for a tiny little wrestling site before joining the MANIACS AT MANIA!
VPJG: 411wrastling.com or something like that.
VPJG: I forget.
VPJG: DOUCHE!
Kaisen316: I’ve never heard of that site.
Kaisen316: Widro must have bought them, they redirect to Mania now
VPJG: I guess we annexed Brian Cole.
Kaisen316: Widro could buy you, me, and Flea 17 times over
VPJG: He’s a rich man.
Kaisen316: Did you catch the Patterson jokes in Carless’s column?
Kaisen316: Someone’s going to be pissed
VPJG: Hyatte could give two shits about that. He kind of donated it to me, but I hardly use it. The Patterson joke belongs to the world now. This is kind of Grutman and Daniels vs. The Poor New Writers Who Just Need Time to Find Their Own Voices, isn’t it?
VPJG: But if anyone has a reason to be pissed, it’s Haley.
Kaisen316: I’ll pick PK
VPJG: Knock it off. I want to talk about how Haley has had his format RAPED by Jay Fortunado.
TO BE CONTINUED THIS SATURDAY! DUM DUM DUMB!
