411 Music's Friday News Bootleg 10.03.03

Welcome back to The Bootleg. I’m proud to be the first ever 411 writer to miss a column, without actually missing a column. The short version is that last week, my seven-page opus was submitted to the 411 Board of Governors at 4:00 PM on Thursday, 9/25…and posted at around 3:00 AM the following Saturday.

Last week’s Bootleg was a little saucier than usual as I took hard-hittin’ stands on casual drug use, homosexual marriages and pornographic music videos…to say nothing of the recap of my run-in with the San Diego Police Department and near arrest.

While I have no proof and freely admit to making this next part up: I think somebody at The Mania (with the initials ‘Widro’) made an executive decision to keep last week’s piece away from the “family hours” of internet surfin’ and stick me out in the Saturday wee hours wasteland with syndicated episodes of Martin and WCW Worldwide.

So, if you missed it and really wanna peep what 411Mania doesn’t want you to see…give it a look right hurr. Read it quick, cuz I don’t know how much longer it’ll be up. When you come back, there’ll be another freshly boiled pot of goodness and lengua just waitin’ for you…

Big Boi, Andre and Ball Gags

In a recent interview with AllHipHop.com, those lovable weirdoes from Outkast hinted that they might be expanding their entertainment enterprise. Movies? Television? Books? No, you impotent bastards…we’re talkin’ adult toys. The duo are promising to launch their line with a series of vibrators that play a beat right before the woman…wait a minute, let me make sure I spell this right…”climaxes”. Sh’ah, right…women climax, too? Maybe I should stay awake after the next time me and Mrs. Bootleg bump uglies and test this theory. My birthday’s not until next March, though, so we’ve got a few months to go before a field test.

Rick Majerus is a Fat Cow

In the lighter side of the news, a Salt Lake City man was critically injured when he dove from a balcony at an Insane Clown Posse concert last week. The unidentified man, who had earlier sought medical attention after being beaten by another fan, jumped 30 feet to a cement floor. To this point in my life, the only other person I’ve ever known from Utah is my wife. Now, with a sample size of two, I can statistically say that everyone in Utah is a freakin’ moron…uh, except my wife. “Life partners” Shaggy 2 Dope and Violent J were headlining with Bone Thugs N Harmony…proving that someone has fallen farther than the idiot from the balcony.

All Your Favorite Songs…Again

Here’s a unique and original suggestion: I’m offerin’ $100,000 to whomever brings me the head of the guy who started this “remix CD” craze. Mariah Carey has decided to whore it up with a who’s who of rap music’s current “in crowd” on the double CD creatively entitled…Remixes. Worst album title ever. And weren’t we all waiting for “Bonecrusher and Jermaine Dupri meet Glitter”? Of course, no “urban” remix project would be complete without an assload of meaningless remix “styles” like Mariah’s “Fly Away Club Mix” of Butterfly and the “Def Club Mix” of Fantasy. I’m still waiting for the “I’m tryin’ to save my career with the re-issue of my most popular songs over a shittier-than-the-first-time beat” mix. It’s in stores October 14.

Can’t Get Enough of Those Lists

The good people at VH1 have crafted a top 50 list that’s unique enough to get the Erhardt seal of approval. They’ve put together the top 50 album covers of all time and, of course, The Bootleg had to comment on some of the highlights:

DMX – Flesh of My Flesh…: Eh, I think they were tryin’ to go for “angry rapper meets Carrie”, but the end result was “militant Kool-Aid man”. (49)

Public Enemy – Fear of a Black Planet: OK, it’s got a picture of planet Earth, along with the familiar PE logo (guy in the scope) and the album title on front. This ain’t a great album cover, it’s a really bad swap meet T-shirt design. (40)

2Pac – All Eyez On Me: It’s Tupac and he’s just sittin’ there throwin’ a ‘W’ sign. How this got in over his crucifixion scene on the Makaveli cover is beyond me. (25)

Jane’s Addiction – Nothing’s Shocking: Waaaayyy too low for this one. It’s like Twin Peaks with a splash of Firestorm. (10)

Snoop Doggy Dogg – Doggystyle: Twas equal parts funny, offensive and unapologetic…the album cover even folds out into a mini-comic. (9)

There’s plenty more than just rap albums on the list, so lurk for yourselves. I won’t spoil the “greatest album cover ever”, but I just don’t get it. Rock fans: is there some hidden meaning that I’m missing? In the non-rap division, my money goes to Nirvana’s Nevermind. Amongst rap albums, I can’t decide from any of No Limit’s album covers from 1998-99.

In The Footsteps of Loon, G-Dep and Dream

Due to overwhelming demand, I plan to review the debut effort from Bad Boy’s Da Band next week. In the meantime, we can safely say that their labelmates, The Hoodfellas (sigh) won’t be at their first album signing. Frustrated with the corporate inertia that has kept their Bad Boy debut on the shelf for over three years, the nameless n’ faceless Hoodfella hacks are goin’ after the slightly more-well-known hacks of Da Band. Opportunistic shit-disturber Wendy Williams had The Hoods on her drive time show where they debuted a new freestyle that took shots at Fred’s voice, Dylan’s acne and Babs’ male tendencies. I assume these are all people in “Da Band”. I can’t say I’m a fan of their Makin’ The Band 2 show…a/k/a the worst thang to happen to my people since blond wigs and B.A.P.S.

The Real Crime Against Humanity

The proactive police force of Teaneck, New Jersey have issued a warrant for the arrest of Kimberly (Lil’ Kim) Jones…for a pot possession charge in 1996. Pointless shit like this is just one more reason for the acrimonious relationship between the cops and the streets. I mean, if anything, Kim should be brought up on charges for the entirety of her album history. That bitch has dropped five…count ’em, five good songs total from her three albums. Her career would’ve died five years ago if not for two thangs: the verse she dropped on that Mobb Deep joint and lettin’ Diana Ross feel her up at the Video Music Awards.

Hoosiers n’ Hip Hop

Daniels has lent me his soapbox for this next one. Indianapolis police raided a mom and pop record store last week in search of…mixtapes. The RIAA has determined that the sales of these “unlicensed and unauthorized” albums are contributing to the continued piracy of the music industry. Hey, industry…mixtapes are used to create excitement on the streets about a new artist or album. Your latest hip hop “savior” 50 Cent had the streets buzzin’ five years before his mainstream debut on the strength of mixtapes. It’s not that hard to understand. Now, tryin’ to explain the finer points of House Party I & II to white folks…? That’s hard.

Also Scheduled To Appear…Jose Canseco

The next time Dame Dash shows up on the Bob Costas Show to defend everything rap, I hope the rebuttal guest brings up this point. Miami-based Trick Daddy received permission to perform at a Tallahassee concert this week, despite his recent arrest on assault, weapons charges and drug possession. Trick will be conditionally allowed to perform, provided he wears an electric handcuff/tracking bracelet. Lord knows y’all Floridians can’t go a day without a live performance of that electronic-heavy, nonsensical deep-fried Gator-chewed crap you call rap. Oh, but, Trick love the kids.

P. Diddy Presents: Jessie Owens, The Remix

Fans of this space know that I lean heavily on longtime friend of the Bootleg, Salemi Version 1.0, for any dirt out of the Bad Boy Records camp. Using his connections as Puffy’s personal assistant (before Farnsworth), he files this report on Diddy’s announcement that he’s running in the 2003 NY Marathon:

As for Sean Combs and his continuing efforts to campaign for “biggest media whore who has little or no talent” war with his ex J Lo, this latest one is just sad. You think they can give Black Rob the day off from answering phones at Bad Boy to give Diddy water while
he’s running? A Fox news “reporter”, and the word is used lightly, actually asked him “You are known as a big partier, knowing that, how will you train for a marathon? Folks, the answer doesn’t matter but when I see stuff like this on the NEWS, you wonder if this
country has learned anything in the last 2 years. Nope, we’re right back to fulltime worshipping of celebrities.

Sometimes The News Just Writes Itself

We continue with the Salemi brand of goodness decent-ness as I turn this segment over to the both of Mrs. Salemi’s baby boys. Ladies n’ gentlemen…Jacques and Raymónd:

Here’s some 50 Cent news…he’s moving 1 town over from where I work, into Mike Tyson’s old mansion, I was thinking of bringing some chronic brownies over for a housewarming… Apparently he hasn’t seen Hammer’s E! True Hollywood Story…rapper buys money pit mansion with gold bathroom fixtures, next album bombs and he goes broke.

Here are the top 10 things from the early/mid ’90s that Mike Tyson left behind after he moved out:

10.) Dartboard with Buster Douglas’ picture on it
9.) Scarface on VHS
8.) Sega Genesis with Lakers vs. Celtics, Altered Beast and
1 controller
7.) Sam Goody Pre-order deposit slip for Nas’ It Was
Written
6.) Used pigeon cages
5.) Computer with no internet
4.) Panther tied up out back
3.) Unmailed absentee ballot vote for Bob Dole
2.) NY Yankees Cecil Fielder jersey

…and the number one thang Mike Tyson left behind…

1.) Phone message from 2pac to call him after he gets back
from the fight in Vegas

General Haberdashery

The Music Section’s 3 Tha Hard Way is your guaranteed way to get laid this weekend.

First, read Fernandez and use his news n’ anecdotes to make yourself sound more interesting at Saturday’s sorority party.

Then, read Smilo on Sunday. His skills as a writer/alcoholic should be your guide to sounding witty when you’re throwin’ up and blowin’ snot rockets all over two co-eds who’re carryin’ you back to your dorm room.

Then read me…again. Cough.

Daniels don’t need no stinkin’ ‘T’.

Mathan has no love for the themes from The A-Team, Knight Rider, Family Guy, The Simpsons, Good Times or In Living Color. His new one is up on Saturday.

Seal of Goodness

A few weeks back, I pimped my copy of The Mixtape Reloaded, Vol. 1-4. To those who keep askin’, here’s the entire tracklisting of mid-90s east coast goodness. Hit me up for details on how to get yer very own copy, so you can scare the minivan moms at the mall.

DISC 1

Wu Tang Clan-C.R.E.A.M.
Jeru The Damaja – Come Clean
Nas – The World Is Yours
Notorious B.I.G. – Juicy
Black Moon – How Many MC’s
Gangstarr – Mass Appeal
Raekwon – Incarcerated Scarfaces
AZ – Sugarhill
Mad Skillz – Nod Factor
Das EFX – Microphone Master
Ill Al Scratch – Where My Homiez
Redman – Can’t Wait
Lost Boyz – Jeeps, Lex Coupes, Beamaz & Benz
Masta Ace – The INC Ride
Ol’ Dirty Bastard – Brooklyn Zoo
Junior M.A.F.I.A. – Player’s Anthem Remix
ONYX – Last Dayz

DISC 2

Mobb Deep – Shook Ones Part II
GZA/Inspektah Deck – Cold World
Black Moon – Buck ‘Em Down Remix
Method Man/Mary J. Blige – All I Need Puff Daddy Remix
Craig Mack/B.I.G./LL/Rampage/Busta Rhymes – Flava In Ya Ear Remix
The Roots – Proceed
Real Live – Real Live Shit
Nas – It Ain’t Hard To Tell
Keith Murray – The Most Beautifulest Thing In This World
B.I.G. – Who Shot Ya?
KRS One – MCs Act Like They Don’t Know
Mic Geronimo – Masta IC
Wu Tang Clan – Wu Tang Clan Ain’t Nuthin’ To Fuck With
Jeru The Damaja – D’Original
Junior M.A.F.I.A. – Get Money
Redman – Funkorama

DISC 3

Kool G Rap/Nas – Fast Life
B.I.G. – One More Chance Remix
Ol Dirty Bastard – Shimmy Shimmy Ya
Smif N’ Wessun – Bucktown
Das EFX – Real Hip Hop (Pete Rock Remix)
Method Man – Bring The Pain
LL/Keith Murray/Prodigy/Fat Joe/Foxy Brown – I Shot Ya Remix
Nas – One Love
Common Sense – I Used To Love H.E.R.
AZ/Raekwon – Do or Die Remix
Bootcamp – Headz Ain’t Ready
B.I.G. – Warning
Ill Al Scratch/Brian McKnight – I’ll Take Her
Redman – Rockafella
Shaq/RZA/Method Man – No Hook
Mobb Deep/Nas/Raekwon – Eye For An Eye
Gangstarr – Code of the Streets
Craig Mack – Makin’ Moves With Puff

DISC 4

B.I.G. – Big Poppa
Method Man/Redman – How High Remix
Lost Boyz – Lifestyles of the Rich and Shameless
Jay-Z – Dead Presidents I
Black Moon – I Got’cha Open Remix
AZ/Nas – Mo Money Mo Murder Homicide
Raekwon/Method Man/Ghostface Killah/Cappadonna – Ice Cream
GZA/Method Man – Shadowboxin
Junior M.A.F.I.A. – Get Money Remix
Masta Ace/Buckshot/Special Ed – Crooklyn
Mobb Deep – Survival of the Fittest
Jeru The Damaja – You Can’t Stop The Prophet Remix
Blahzay Blahzay – Danger
Keith Murray – Get Lifted Remix
Gravediggaz – Nowhere to Run, Nowhere to Hide
Black Moon – Reality
Nas – NY State of Mind
Smif N’ Wessun – Sound Bwoy Bureill Remix

Pretend Football

LaDanian Tomlinson nearly ran for 200 yards and threw a touchdown pass…Needless to say that performance, along with those from Randy Moss (3 TDs) and Marc Bulger propelled the Bootleggers to their second straight win and a Week 5 showdown with Mr. Sunday. Note to Smilo: Your ghetto blend of Captain Morgan’s and Shasta won’t save you this week.

Pro Pickery

Did I say I was retiring from the prognostication game last week? Well, that was before I correctly called last week’s Raiders/Chargers game going to overtime, Jackson. Scores n’ winning teams are irrelevant…

Aaron’s Oakland Raiders – 30 Chicago Bears – 16

Coming Soon

Bubba Sparxxx is first up…and y’all owe me big for this one. Then, Outkast, Da Band and everything else I’ve been promising for months n’ months.

Oakland A’s Update: Here’s why I could never live on the East Coast: Game 1 of the ALDS went 12 innings and I was in bed just after midnight after watching every inning. We’re not gonna get too geeked over a 2-0 lead with memories of the A’s 2001 ALDS and the Sox 1999 ALDS fresh in my mind. If Jermaine Dye continues to stink up the lineup with his “bat”, the A’s will be home by this time next week.

Scared Str8

Tonight, me and wifey are flyin’ up to Sacramento for her old man’s 50th birthday. It’s my first “pregnant flight”, so I’m wondering if it’s improper to not sit next to her. The thought of her yakkin’ into one of those Southwest baggies and curled up in the fetal position the whole way will almost surely interrupt my backlog of Sports Illustrated reading. To say nothing of a little game I call “accidentally elbowing the chubby peanut-passing flight attendant in the ass as she walks by”.

I need pictures of your sister. Get at me on AOL or Yahoo IM: ajcameron13