The SmarK DVD Rant �” The Essential Arnie!
Well, since these top ten lists seem to be all the rage here on 411 lately, I thought I’d pay tribute to the man who is now ruling California by giving you, the unwashed masses, an overview of his 10 greatest action movies, ranked by cool factor and quality of the DVD, with equal consideration given to each.
First, the ground rules. This covers only his ACTION movies. So no Twins, Junior, Kindergarten Cop or Jingle All the Way. Especially no Jingle All the Way. This only covers movies that are readily available on DVD, so no Raw Deal or Running Man (which IS available, but it’s such a crappy version and so rarely in print that there’s no point). This only covers starring roles, so no Red Sonja or Batman & Robin. And finally, this only covers DVD that I’ve either seen or own. So no Conan the Destroyer.
As a reminder, all judgments here are merely subjective, and please, whatever you do, no betting on the outcomes without cutting me a piece of the action.
1. Terminator 2: Judgment Day. The undisputed king of the killer-robot-with-a-heart-of-gold movies, this one is pretty much the definitive action / sci-fi classic of the 90s, featuring James Cameron at the peak of his powers (but not budget) and Arnold trying to put forth a kinder, gentler image, while still kicking ass. This one has it all �” tremendous body-count, a great villain who meets a great death, great one-liners, terrific story and cool weapons. Okay, sure, the time travel stuff is a little silly and collapses in on itself with the events of T3, but this was pretty much the perfect role for Arnold, because he could emote by NOT showing emotion. A little goes a long way with a heartless cyborg. And the DVD is available in two different jam-packed editions, either the “Ultimate” or “Extreme”, and both are excellent in their own right, with top notch sound, video and extras. The Extreme edition has a Cameron commentary, while the other one boasts hours and hours of documentaries, so it’s your call. Either way, you should have a copy of this one in your library. Classic one-liner: “Hasta la vista, baby.”
2. True Lies. This is a movie that I’m compelled to watch whenever it’s on TV, which is a lot if you watch Showcase Action up here. This was the followup for Cameron after working with Arnold on T2, as they reconvened to do a spy sendup. And WHAT a spy movie, as it pretty much humiliated the drifting James Bond series into jettisoning Timothy Dalton and moving to Pierce Brosnan instead, doing all the things that Bond was supposed to be doing, but doing them better. The action is bigger, the jokes funnier, and Tom Arnold finds his niche as the funny sidekick. Even at 140 minutes, it never drags, as there’s a major action piece every 15 minutes or so to keep things moving along briskly (horse v. motorcycle, anyone?) and Arnold keeps a sly eye on the camera at all times, to make sure everyone’s in on the joke. The plot was also original and funny, as the script wonders what happens to a spy’s domestic life after he’s been lying to his family for 15 years. And you can’t beat the gruesome end met by the villain here. Oddly enough, Arab protest groups tried to sue the studio for defamation in 1995, by asserting that the movie painted their people as terrorists! Perish the thought. Unfortunately, the DVD is lacking, but this is such a great movie that I can overlook it. The video is good, but non-anamorphic, and the 5.1 mix is SMOKING, with bullets and explosions filling the room. Alas, the only extra is a trailer. This would also prove to be the last great Arnie action movie. Classic one-liner: “You’re fired”.
3. Total Recall. Arnie + Paul Verhoeven works so well that I’m shocked someone didn’t think of it sooner. And not only is the action great, but the story is breathtakingly mindbending and original. The idea is that in the future, science can write “memories” directly to your head, making you think that you’ve experienced something you haven’t. This leads to boring construction worker Douglas Quaid taking a virtual trip to Mars, but something goes wrong and he’s soon on the rampage, being hunted by mysterious agents in something directly out of the very fantasy he wanted for himself. Very cool stuff, and Verhoeven’s over-the-top style lends itself well to Arnie’s goofy one-liners and big guns. Plus Sharon Stone is REALLY hot in this movie, back before she became a big star. There’s some definite misogynist undertones going on here, but the visuals and ideas are so endlessly creative and different that middling points like the plot and values of the movie won’t even matter. The DVD is pretty spiffy, too, with a cool Mars-shaped tin containing the disc, and a Schwarzenegger/Verhoeven commentary (take THAT, spell-checker!), plus remastered video and DTS sound. I love this movie, you should too. Classic one-liner: “Consider this a divorce!”
4. Predator. The quintessential “guys bonding over killing aliens” movie, as Arnold leads a group of marines into the jungle and finds HELL ON EARTH. This is a standard hostage-rescue movie that makes a 180 degree turn into outer space halfway through and never looks back. The plot is wafer-thin, but the sheer brutality of Arnie beating the enemy to death with tree-trunks far exceeds the importance of mere details like a good storyline. And it’s the only movie I can recall with two future governors in starring roles. If you need to reassert your manhood, this is your movie. The DVD has nothing in the way of extras, but the DTS sound is pretty good and the video is anamorphic, plus it’s cheap. Classic one-liner: “If it bleeds, we can kill it.”
5. Terminator. The first one in the series probably would have stood up as a classic in its own right had Cameron not gone and topped himself a few years later. Arnold was not technically the star of the movie at the time (that was Michael Biehn as the heroic Kyle Reese) but time and perspective have made him into the star, so we’ll pretend. A much younger and even more wooden Arnie was featured here, as Cameron set out to make an epic on a shoestring budget, and established himself as the premiere action director in the process. I still enjoy it today, but the second one is just so much better that I can’t put this one any higher in good conscience. The recently redone DVD from MGM has newly created 5.1 sound, and a new transfer that’s far better than the original DVD release in 1997, but still shows some flaws. The extras are lacking, as well. Classic one-liner: “I’ll be back”. (like you even needed to ask?)
6. Commando. For as much grief as I give this movie, it’s still way cool. Arnie’s answer to Rambo was John Matrix, an ex-army killer who just wanted to relax and enjoy the good life until the bad guys kidnap his daughter! NOW IT’S PERSONAL! This is exactly the kind of movie Vin Diesel should be doing, not prequels to Pitch Black or whatever he’s doing next. Good old-fashioned “Badass dude is wronged by bad people, and he seeks revenge on them” stuff. Plus Arnie unleashes the most BADASS arsenal seen on film to that point, including the famous quadruple rocket-launcher. It’s idiotic, cliché, long, dumb and makes absolutely no sense, but I’ve seen it dozens of times and I’ll see dozens more. This is the one where all the parodies come from, and there’s a reason. The DVD is bare-bones, with an okay video transfer and a plain 2.0 soundtrack, otherwise it’d be higher. For a good Arnie killing-spree double-header, you can’t beat this and Predator in the same night. Classic one-liner (out of DOZENS): “You’re a funny man, Sully, I like you. That’s why I’m going to kill you last.” Honorable mentions include Matrix dropping a guy out of a helicopter and noting that “he had to let him go”, and then throwing a pipe through the main villain and telling him to “let off some steam”.
7. Conan the Barbarian. This one is kind of an acquired taste, as this was one of Arnold’s first big starring roles, playing an established literary character with a minimum of dialogue and acting required. The pace can be a little slow compared to his later action movies, but for sheer brutality and gore (and hot naked chicks) this one is tough to top. And really, Arnold was BORN to play Conan and hack people’s heads off with a giant sword. Nuff said. The DVD was redone a few years ago, with a newly remastered soundtrack, Arnold commentary, and extras. The picture is still lacking, but it was an old print to begin with and there’s only so much Universal could do with it. I like it, but I was never a huge fan (I preferred the later imitator, Beastmaster) and I only put this high out of respect for the influence it holds. The sequel was vastly inferior, too. Classic one-liner: Um, none, really, although I like this line, when a general asks him what’s best in life: “To crush your enemies, see them driven before you, and to hear the lamentation of the women!”
8. Eraser. This was one of several late-90s attempts by Arnold to revive his action career, and while it’s a serviceable action movie with lots of cool big guns, treating Vanessa Williams like a co-star instead of a Radio Shack pimping has-been rubbed me the wrong way. It’s not BAD, with an okay story about a guy who helps out people in the witness protection program by “erasing” their former life, but really when you have to buy that a guy can carry two giant plasma rifles that normally are mounted on battleships, it’s taking things a bit too far. The DVD was an early release, which means so-so video transfer and a decent surround mix, with nothing of note for extras. Classic one-liner (after killing an alligator): “You’re luggage!”
9. The 6th Day. You know, I have to give them credit for making an effort to do something different and thoughtful with this one, but it just didn’t work in the long run. This is about the moral issues involved in cloning, as Arnie finds himself messing with a billionaire geneticist and soon discovers that someone else is living his life. A chase ensues, with some inventive use of the twins, but the message about not playing god is just SO heavy-handed that it overwhelms the action by the end. Whatever happened to Arnie just shooting the shit out of everything? What’s wrong with that? Well, at least it’s not End of Days. Plus Sarah Wynter from 24 is featured as a femme fatale who is almost naked. Growl. Funny moments, good moments, action-packed moments, but nothing that totals a great movie or even a really good one. The DVD is a two-disc set, although the extras are just the standard EPK stuff, along with an isolated score on the movie itself. Good sound and video, though. Classic one-liner: “This time stay dead.”
10. Last Action Hero. Okay, everyone has their guilty pleasure, and magic ticket nonsense aside, I always admired the effort that this one put forth to take Arnold’s character in a new direction and try to say something about whatever it was trying to say. It’s horribly flawed (it’s spoofing the buddy movie genre, which Arnie has never been a part of), features an annoying child actor, an annoying female lead, a premise so ridiculous that you can’t believe the movie would be green-lit and yet it almost works during the middle portion. The magic ticket stuff is dumb, but everyone’s having so much FUN sending up an action movie that you almost get into it for a while, and it’s enough to make it crack the top ten. I mean, c’mon, “You killed my favorite second cousin “, the SBD, Charles Dance hamming it up as the bad guy with the glass eye it all would have been hilarious in a better movie, or at least a more focused one. I didn’t love the movie, but I admire the effort, and this is not a bad movie at all. In fact, I’d almost call it underrated. Yes, I said it. The DVD features a nice anamorphic transfer and a decent 5.1 soundtrack, but no extras. Classic one-liner: “To be or not to be? Not to be.”
Thoughts? Want to see my Essential Action movie list? You know the address.
