Movie Junk News, Huzzah! 10.08.03


I guess the man Tim C. was talking about is here.

Also, I’m half naked.

Guess which half.

Hi 411 movies! It’s quite a thrill to bring the show here. While not giant and red like Harry at AICN or suffering from a rare genitalia disease like our own Jacob Ziegler, I think I’m going to make a very good movie Internet guy, and I’m bringing some people with me. You’ve already had a chance to partake in the wonder that is Jay Bower, and my friend Debbie is coming soon. My friend Debbie loves movies, and you’re going to love her. It’s always nice to have a female running about the all boys club.

I thought I’d begin with something new, something you guys wouldn’t expect from me. Then I said screw it and decided to start with Junk News.


Bruce Willis was recently in Iraq, performing with his blues band for our troops. It’s all part of President Bush’s brilliant plan to get our troops to commit mass suicide.

While there, Bruce Willis offered 1 million dollars to the troop who captures Saddam Hussein and said he just wanted, “4 seconds alone with him.” That’s just enough time for Saddam to say, “Praise Allah, you’re Bruce Willis! I loved you in Hudson Hawk! Hey! You punch like a girl!”

Roy Horn, the Las Vegas performer who had a cameo in Ocean’s 11 thus making this movie news, was viciously mauled by a tiger during a performance. On behalf of the 411 family, especially Jay Bower who cannot stop sobbing, our thoughts are with Siegfried and the good tigers they own who did not maul Roy.

The top movie this weekend was Jack Black’s School of Rock. This is Jack Black’s greatest achievement since The Never-Ending Story III. Really, it seemed to never end.

The big news this week is that the major movie studios have halted the practice sending out screeners to Academy members and critics in order to prevent piracy. Screeners are DVDs and videos of contenders for award worthy movies, some of which have yet to come out. Eliminating this practice eliminates the chance for a dishonest Academy member or critic to post the movie online, but it also kills the chance for an independent movie such as Lost in Translation or The Magdalene Sisters to win any awards. This years nominees for best picture are: The Lord of the Rings: Return of the King, The Matix: Reloaded, Bringing Down the House, Finding Nemo, and, of course, The Rundown. Since the race is now decided by how many people went to see the movie, look for a Finding Nemo sweep.

Upon hearing about this practice, Scott Keith openly wept.

xXx 2 will change stars, going from Vin Diesel to Ice Cube. Will Ice Cube “melt” under the pressure, or will he keep everything “cool”? I should write for Entertainment Tonight.

The Rundown, while originally appearing to be a hit, suffered a 50% drop at the box office this week. The Rock said, “Damn it! If only they had banned the Oscar screeners one more week!”

Dean Parisot is the new director of Jim Carrey’s Fun With Dick and Jane. Although it has yet to be made, Jim Carrey has already garnered two Golden Globe nominations for it but was not nominated for the Oscar.

Would you like to see all 3 LOTR films in a row on the day that Return of the King comes out? If so, click on this link right here and you’ll get all the information you need.

Spike Jonze and Charlie Kaufman are set to do a horror film. It’s Freddy vs. Jason II but it’ll be super self-referential and partly take place in Jared Leto’s head.

The Farley Brother’s will be making a Three Stooges movie. While it’s odd that this movie will be made by a former SNL star’s bloated decomposing corpse and his untalented brother, I’ll watch it!

Wes Craven’s Cursed to play the same role for the rest of his life. Wasn’t he classically trained? Aren’t they all classically trained?

Some would call this the year of the trilogy, but I like to refer to it as the year I had to pay 22 bucks for myself and a date to see The Lizzie McGuire Movie.

Actress and singer Courtney Love was arrested on a burglary call for possession and being high on narcotics which I guess she had just stolen. I guess becoming a mother really puts your priorities in order.

The New York Film Festival started Sundayt, and I’ll be checking in throughout the week with reports from the security holding cell at which I am currently and for the near future will be detained with a very drunk Will Ferrell. He’s getting grabby.

M. Night Shamalyanayan has changed the title of his next picture from The Woods to The Village. Despite having not read a word about the plot, I can tell you that the movie stars a whole bunch of famous actors and one or two unknowns and features a jaw dropping surprise ending which makes you want to see the movie again to see the clues.

Cabin Fever, the gigantic “hit” that opened the door for all kinds of new crappy horror films to be made, is going to make less money than David Spade’s Dickie Roberts: Former Child Star, which was considered a failure. Sometimes I don’t get this business, but then I’m not gay.

Junk news! Huzzah!

The Top Five Movies You Haven’t Seen Yet That You Oughta But You Won’t

What I’m going to do here is list five movies currently in release in the theaters or on DVD that you probably haven’t seen yet. I’m sure some of you have seen them, but the majority of you probably haven’t. Because of the screener controversy, these movies most likely won’t get any publicity from being nominated for Academy Awards and thus will fade from the nation’s consciousness after we forget the good review we saw for that Indy flick. So I’m going to be a little reminder bird or something dumb like that. First I’ll tell you movie buffs why to see the movie, and then I’ll tell people who are not movie buffs why to see the movie.

1. The Magdalene Sisters is a painful journey inside another one of the Catholic Church’s, well, for the lack of a better word, evil acts on humanity. Eileen Walsh as Crispina is a revelation, bringing us inside the deteriorating mind of the eternal optimist in hell. And you see bush.
2. Blue Velvet is David Lynch’s, Dennis Hopper’s and Isabella Rossellini’s best work. A masterpiece that is as much of a battle between good and evil as is Lord of the Rings. as much a powerful love triangle story as Titanic tried to be, and as much a commentary on the darkness and perversity that lies underneath our every day normality as Seven or Fight Club, two modern masterpieces. And you see bush.
3. Thirteen is the bravest coming-of-age tale that has come out of Hollywood in a long time. I know most don’t go to the theater to see a slice of real life, but that is exactly what you leave the theater thinking you’ve just seen. Also, there’re threesome scenes involving jailbait.
4. Secretary is the only movie I can think of to compare Thirteen to. Both are coming of age stories, but while Thirteen is a tale of the consequences of coming to age too quickly, Secretary is the coming of age story of a woman who should have come to age a long time ago. Incredibly sexy, incredibly moving and in its own way life affirming, you can see Secretary on cable at the moment. Also, you see bush.
5. The 5th movie is going to be one I haven’t seen either but will. I have heard nothing but positive remarks about American Splendor. Not sure if there’s bush, but anything is possible, and it has Pig Vomit in it.

What are you doing at your computer when you could be watching television?

Saturday Night Live had its season premier this week with Jack Balck hosting and John Mayer as the musical guest. Big Willie F did a cameo, but Tracy Morgan was instantly missed as that guy from the Keenan and Kel Show has not let go of the practice he learned at Nickelodeon of making wacky faces whenever he appears on camera. His Bill Cosby imitation was right on except that he seemed to be on the verge of laughing the entire time.

Anyway, the other new black guy is excellent, taking the tired old premise (first done on the SNL news update by Chris Rock) of making fun of the way black people act in the movie theater and making it fresh. I’ll have to learn his name.

Maya Rudolph, Amy Poehler and Rachel Dratch are doing an excellent job with the female roles in sketches. Say what you will about the writing, but I really believe that with Tina Fey still much better than Jimmy Fallon during the news update, this is the best core cast of females that the show has ever had at it’s disposition. If anything is going to save the show from mediocrity, it will be those four women.

On the men’s team, Seth Meyers and Will Forte have the potential to be amazing if they are given the ball. Seth appears to be in the good graces of Lorne as he was featured quite a bit, but you had to really search the show to find Will. Darrell Hammond is still doing better than average and usually funny impressions, but Al Gore and Dick Cheney may have been his bread and butter. I’m pretty sure Chris Parnell is still on the show, but I don’t remember him doing anything interesting Saturday night. I might be wrong about that. Besides a couple of funny jokes during the news update, Jimmy Fallon contributed nothing to Saturday’s show as far as sketches are concerned despite being featured prominently, and Horatio Sanz showed why he has become the fattest albatross on television by stinking up the show in what appeared to be the leading role. Absolutely horrible.

Jimmy Fallon can be funny. In smaller roles, Horatio Sanz can be funny. Fred Armisen is still a bit of a mystery to me, but in the brief time he appeared he was funny. I have a lot of hope for Will Forte and Seth Meyers and the entire cast of women. They have a new black guy who is funny, but they have a new black guy who is dangerously unfunny. Jack Black carried a bunch of tired premises and bad jokes to humorous territory this week, but it’s unfair to judge a show based on its host. With Justin Timberlake hosting next week we will get a clear picture of just how ready the not ready for prime time players are to carry the show themselves. Until then, the show needs a new writer or two and they need to forget about seniority and send Horatio back to the minor roles.

Next week: Why Comedy Central has become the most reliable quality network on television.

Other Columns

411mania reviews feature two great reviews by Jacob Ziegler, 411mania’s go to man for reviews.

Ziegler also makes his Oscar picks, albeit a little early. The picks look good, though. I think he’s mistaken about Mystic River, as despite the great reviews it has received, it may suffer the same fate as other movies not distributed widely this year.

Ian Challis makes a list of the worst five movies of all time. The thing I love about lists like these and the reason I plan this be a topic for a Grutman vs. Daniels debate is that opinions are like assholes. For instance, I’m surprised to see Rollerball, Wishmaster 3, Caddyshack 2 and a random movie that I like that most people don’t like like 12 Monkeys or Rope. It’s also very hard for me to believe that the worst five movies ever made were made in the past 10 years.

The Scotsman does porn. You know, with myself, Scotts, Keith covering DVD’s and Bower on his way, there sure are a lot of familiar faces over here. By the way, remind me not to shake hands with Scotsman. Not because I think he’s been masturbating, but because I hate him.

Rex Sharpe sends B Movies to attack us.

Jay Bower came with me! And he got here before me.

Having trouble with your period? Your ass burning for no good reason? Need answers? Ask 411.

Gary Coleman didn’t win? Oh my God. That bookie is going to kill me.

Arnold Schwarzenegger was just declared by CNN to be the new Governor of California. Of course, the immediate concerns of the 411mania movie section are, “Will there be a Terminator 4? A Kindergarten Cop 2?” The answer to these questions are a tentative no for now.

Far be it from me to steal Eric S’ thunder, I’ll have more on this on Thursday. Until then, I hope you’ve enjoyed this. If not, well, I’ll get better.