Welcome back to The Bootleg. Go bow before our Games Section…they created the sun and the earth don’cha know. This lil’ column of mine debuted on Valentine’s Day 2K3. I’ve shared a lot with y’all over the years, but it’s now time to get really personal. I’m talkin’ about sharin’ a bong and a bus pass personal.
Last weekend, the wife and I journeyed up to Sacramento for my father-in-law’s 50th birthday party. We were up there for barely 36 hours, but I can let y’all in on our dirty lil’ secret. My wife’s family is crazy. I don’t mean “wacky” or “nutty”…these people should be off the streets and not allowed to handle sharp instruments. Think Norman the Lunatic. Think Martin Lawrence, 1997-1999.
It’s 11:30 PM, last Friday night and, hey…there’s my mother-in-law and another of the wife’s aunts at the kitchen sink. And they’re cleaning chitlins. Yes, there are Black folk out there that still eat chitlins in 2003. It’s like we walked into the slave quarters or something. They’re the worst smelling food you can imagine. It’s like salt and pepper sprinkled over ass. And there wasn’t a room in the house that the smell hadn’t reached.
Then, there’s my mother…do any of y’all have that friend or relative that says EVERYTHING they think? That’s my momma. Here’s a sample from the ride from the airport: “Son, do you need to go pee before we leave?”, “Ooh, ‘palm readings’…we should all go there this weekend.”, “I had a salad with artichoke hearts in it…don’t you love artichoke hearts?” She’s too young (51) to be senile, but I knew I had to pawn off the old battleaxe on the wife’s mother or I’d lose my mind.
There’s the aunt who’s a Jehovah’s Witness and married a white man who is literally the night watchman at the cranberry silo. She’s pushin’ 60 with one of those asthmatic coughs that has the neighbors two doors down callin’ 911 every 20 minutes. There’s the cousin who’s seven months pregnant and, in the words of Mrs. Bootleg, “looked like a bear”. She waddled to the party with socks n’ a pair of raggedy horse house shoes.
Can’t forget the cousin with the Ludacris ring tone who, after years of financially supporting every boyfriend in her life is now proud to be rollin’ “solo-bolo”. Oh, and then there were the teenaged friends of the family who came to freeload, too. One of ’em was hotter’n fish grease, but she left before I could dust off my remixedTommy Boy line: “Family don’t shake hands, family gotta hug!”
The Goodness de mi familia…by marriage.
Hey, Look at Bart! He’s Doin’ Stuff!
There is nothing…dammit, I mean nothing that we at 411Mania.com hate more than a cheap publicity stunt. [Note to Widro: Don’t worry, they don’t suspect a thing…]. So you can imagine our collective disgust and disdain at Florida act Hell on Earth, who promised an oxymoronic (and just plain ol’ moronic) “live suicide” during a webcast of their recent concert. The public was outraged, police were riled up and Hell on Earth received thousands of dollars in free advertising from an ignorant and sensationalistic media who played right into these clowns’ hands with every indignant letter they typed from their keyboar…hey, wait a minute…
The Revolution Will Not Be Televised
Remember how the schools would dust off the Harriet Tubman and George Washington Carver cutouts every February for Black History Month? Well, next year try’n amaze Mrs. Green’s 8th grade homeroom with this lil’ slice of trivia: Last week, for the first time in the history of Billboard, the top ten songs in the country were all performed by African-Americans. Of course, let’s all look the other way when the subject of “talent” is brought up…I’m lookin’ in your direction Nelly, Lil’ Jon, Chingy, Murphy Lee and Ying Yang Twins. Especially, Ying Yang Twins…but especially Lil’ Jon.
Has-Beens Just Wanna Have Fun
Has it really been almost 20 years since a young Cyndi Lauper taught a decomposing Captain Lou Albano how to love? Well, much like neon, pogs and The Ding Dongs, she’s on the can’t-miss comeback trail. In fact, she’s droppin’ an album of other people’s material standards on my Dad’s birthday which will include covers of hits by Smokey Robinson, Nat King Cole, Louis Armstrong and Ray Charles. Oh-kay…personally, I haven’t seen a white girl into the work of so many bruthas since the networks stopped showin’ the player’s wives section during NBA games.
The Name’s Jackson…O’Shea Jackson
In theater number one, we have a film starring a half-black/half-Italian (no, not Bizzy Bone) matinee idol whose charisma makes up for an abject lack of acting skills. In theater number two, we have a soft, doughy, moon-faced former gangsta rapper with all the crossover appeal of Sizzler. Vin Diesel = XXX, Ice Cube = XXX2. Bootleg = confused. Ice Cube ain’t an action hero…he’s knockin’ on the door of 40, with a middle-aged spread and is as intimidating as Pookie in New Jack City. Cube’s last few albums have pretty much wrecked his lyrical legacy…now, it looks like he’s tryin’ to do the same to his movie legacy…Don’t act like you didn’t enjoy Trespass.
Phil the Phlight Risk
Accused killa n’ legendary producer, Phil Spector is allegedly making plans to flee the country before he can be tried for the murder of Lana Clarkson. Not surprisingly, Los Angeles police don’t seem all that concerned, proudly stating, “Let him run, we’ll find him.” That may not sound all that comforting, but keep in mind that the LAPD and the District Attorney’s office has successfully arrested, tried and convicted 27 celebrity cases in the last five years. Of course, they were all against Suge Knight, but we’ll still count ’em.
More Undigested Beef Than Fat Joe’s Colon
Here at The Bootleg, we often poke fun at Lil’ Kim, but I think we can all agree on this much: she’s a no-talent hack with an obvious eating disorder and more fake parts than a Hogan v. Warrior main event. Now it appears that Kim may have had something to do with the recent shooting involving 411’s favorite cherub, 50 Cent. There are rumors that after 50 dissed Kim on Funk Flex’s drive-time show for the unemployable, Kim’s seedy boyfriend n’ his crew drove to the studios and fired up to 10 shots at 50 and his posse. Y’know, 10 years from now when 3 out of every 4 platinum-plus rappers has become a riches-to-rags tale on Behind the Music 2013, we’ll look back on this and laugh.
Stardust n’ Goldust
From time to time, I’ll quietly marvel at how some of our quality writers here on the music site have absolutely no idea who big-name acts like Jay-Z or Busta Rhymes are. Well, it’s Friday and ignorance is my domain today, I say. So, who the hell are Nick Lachey and Jessica Simpson? I hear they’re doin’ some sort of newlywed reality show on MTV that’s been renewed for another year but are these people actually…somebodies? Maybe if you losers hadn’t been so into shows like The Real World during its insipid early run, it wouldn’t be around to bother us today with its bastard offspring…kind of like Dusty and Dustin Rhodes.
The Longest Yizzard
Fans of ESPN’s over-the-top and pretentious original entertainment program are in luck: Stuart Scott has signed on for three more years of Sportscenter. Y’all who enjoy the other corny-ass programming of Playmakers can rejoice, too, as m’man Snoop Dogg is slated for a guest appearance on the October 28 airing. At 6’4″ and 155 lbs., Snoop’s options for roles are obviously limited. A source on the set tells me the producers have narrowed it down to two possibilities: Nigerian place-kicker Ngimi Dashiki or the 10-yard marker.
They Tried to Warn Us in Demolition Man
My state just elected a Governor who once stood inside a WWE ring and accepted a replica championship belt. There are only two things keeping me from leaving California: the other 49 states in the union pretty much suck…and the wife would eventually find me. The clean-cut kids of Dramarama share my pain and re-recorded the Dead Kennedy’s anthem California Uber Alles. Listen to it at their website or enjoy this a cappella snippet:
I am a movie star
and drive the biggest, dumbest car
This hero always wins
Conveniently forgets his sins
Jumpin from the master race
and always wears a happy face
Sometimes The News Just Writes Itself
When’s the last time any of us were really surprised when someone famous came out of the closet? For me, it had to be when Jonathan from Who’s The Boss? came out on Entertainment Tonight a few years back. It won’t be a surprise when Missy Elliot does it, but she may not have a community to turn to. Missy’s sizeable gay n’ lesbian fan base is all in a snit because of a track she recorded with something called Elephant Man for her next album. I hear E-Man’s past lyrics include several anti-gay epithets. Hey, now that I think about it…did the Jonathan character ever have a love interest? Maybe we should’ve seen this coming…
General Haberdashery
I was kickin’ it in the airport with Bobby Heenan the other day and everyone from the Cinnabon girl to the urinal cake dispenser guy was askin’ me about 3THW. So, I told ’em…if you want your news like rudo Eddie without the mullet then read Fernandez on Saturdays. If you prefer news with more “sauce” than Burt Reynolds at WrestleMania X then read Smilo on Sundays.
Daniels turns heel on The Bootleg. It’s like he kicked my leg out of…my leg.
Mathan has no love for Dynasty, 21 Jump Street or Dallas.
Double W makes his debut with a look at them Stankonia cats…
Junk Mail
Yeesh. I didn’t know so many Rolling Stones fans read this column. Several of y’all schooled me on my album cover question from last week. Our own Adam Wallis speaks for the masses:
What you’re not getting about the Stones cover is that on the original vinyl edition (released 1971), every cover had an actual denim fly with an actual metal zipper that you could actually unzip to reveal an actual picture of a crotch bulging through the guy’s underwear (which thankfully was not actual). Andy Warhol designed it, therefore cementing its place in pop culture history.
Y’all can probably guess what dominated my inbox this week. So, instead of a bunch of “SOX RULEZ, A’S SUCK!!!” nonsense, I’m gonna open up the 411 Movies’ balcony for m’man Julius Squeezer. First, I beg of you…please view the trailer to the upcoming movie, Radio:
Got a glimpse of the trailer for Radio. Where do I begin? What the f*ck is this supposed to be? A SERIOUS VERSION OF THE WATERBOY??? “T-T-T-That’s what I call quality H20” You know what pisses me off? He’s probably gonna get academy award consideration. Why do actors get a free pass when they play an imbecile?
It’s so boring, the cliches in the trailer were freaking run-of-the mill. If they really want to impress viewers in the middle of the movie they should have Ed Harris get one of those bx-chemical bombs from that movie, The Rock, and throw it at him as he’s running through the banner with the team. “Stand down Radio…I order you and your men to stand down!”
I will quote an inspiration of mine, George Carlin, “Is this the only thing our society can think of as interesting and inspiring? Beating the odds? I don’t wanna hear about somebody who won a wrestling tournament without a central nervous system. It’s boring. Fuck the odds. And f*ck the people who beat them.”
Pretend Football
Well, Team Bootleg moved to 3-2 on the season with a pretty sound trashing of Smilo’s Crew. It was a little tainted as he played a couple of guys who had byes last week, though. Gee, I hope he’s not dead or anything. Eh, he had a good run.
Pro Pickery
Your season is officially over when Kordell Stewart beats ya. Nice of the Raiders to give the city of Oakland the country’s first nuclear winter in years. No way the Brownies topple a pissed off and gout-stricken Raiders team:
Aaron’s Oakland Raiders – 23 Cleveland Browns – 21
Coming Soon
I told y’all that October was gonna be my month to catch up. New ones from Bubba Sparxxx, Ludacris and 2Pac are done and should start goin’ up any day now. Look for Da Band next week and, with any luck, The Countdown to The Resurrection should start next weekend, too.
Oakland A’s Update:
Well, it was a good ride, wasn’t it? The A’s porous offense finally caught up with them as the Red Sox played better when it counted and deserved to advance. This team has made a ton of questionable personnel moves, which might make it difficult to make things better in the short term. Hatteberg got a 2 year extension despite being the worst 1B in the league. Jermaine Dye and his .171 average is locked in at $12 million for next season. Disgruntled OF Terrence Long is signed through 2005. Yeah, the quality pitching should return and the AL West should remain a 2-team race but time is running out…
Scared Str8
Mrs. Bootleg spent most of last weekend showin’ off her pregnant breasts to every female relative she has, as well as to the Slurpee trolls down at the Sacto 7-11. She will not let me rest, until I acknowledge that they’ve developed an acute case of Ken Griffey’s (Good Lord) gigantism. I refuse as I can’t see any real difference in her fun bags. So, I’m turning it over to the readers out there…drop me an email and I’ll send you a ‘before’ and ‘after’ shot of her…uh oh, she’s readin’ over my shoulder as I speak…I’ll hafta to continue this thought next week.
I need immediate medical treatment for a steaming pot of grits poured over my head. Get at me on AOL or Yahoo IM: ajcameron13
