In Memoriam: Willie Shoemaker. One helluva ride there, bud. Lots of great rides, in fact.
Well, it’s been an eventful two weeks since I last saw all of you. Despite a major f*ck-up by the movers, I have all of my stuff here in Nebraska now and I’m slowly unpacking it as energy permits. The job sucks and it’s causing major trauma, but I stockpiled the Klonopin so it doesn’t seem too bad. The Damn Vaninator got a much-needed brake job today. The Baseball Team That Doesn’t Exist is probably going to the World Series (and Chicago got its first baseball playoff series victory since shortly after the US entered World War I). The Bears actually won a game. Limbaugh admitted what a lot of us on the other side suspected and came out as a drug addict, although most of us would have bet the farm that it was hallucinogens and/or some mind control thing invented by the KGB that the neocons got a hold of. Ah-nuld followed one of his Predator co-stars into a governor’s office. Noo Yawk embarassed itself yet again by exposing the thuggish mannerisms of its sports role models. Dubbaya’s still lying to the public like the weasel in heat that he is. So, in other words, nothing’s changed and a lot has changed. Welcome to the world. It blows.
Goddamn, what can I say after Haley yesterday? It’d just be a nasty little rehash, nothing more. Good job, John. Besides, I’m keeping it short today due to the fact that I couldn’t do any prep work because I spent the weekend knee-deep in cardboard and/or assembling furniture (like the cheapie computer desk I bought because it was the only thing that I could get into the apartment on my own without developing a hernia).
As for wrestling, I’ve been totally out of it since I left, so I have to play catch-up in addition to providing you with the real-time opinions you vicious little bastards demand. So, give me an opportunity to get into it again…
DON’T SCREW WITH SHANE
So Test is going to be out for two whole months while recovering from broken bones in his foot suffered from being on the receving end of a ShaneTerminator. You know, I would have bet any amount of money that if anyone had caused an injury from that move, it would have been Van Dam. Shane’s usually a lot more careful than that. Accidents do happen, though, and Mistah Martin will spend a nice eight weeks on the shelf thanking whatever deity exists that he’s not in any position to be involved in an angle involving Steiner. So good for him. Hope he has a great vacation.
Congrats to WWE on one of their few good decisions regarding this, though: putting the house show footage up on Raw and using it to bolster Shane’s current bad-ass character was a good move. It’s a bit cynical, of course, using Test’s injury for that reason, but give them points for being on the ball enough to use the situation to their advantage in a way that not even Test would object to.
And Memo to My Beautiful and Beloved: now’s the best time to ditch him and join me permanently. There’s nothing more entertainingly pathetic than seeing a crying man limping after you begging you to come back.
DON’T TURN TO STERN
So they want Howard Stern involved with Wrestlemania, huh? Is Howard Stern still pertinent to anything in American culture? I haven’t listened to the guy in about five years or so. I presume he’s still doing the same old routine, and it’s a routine that has to have worn out its welcome on a lot of the listening audience. However, it’s a good idea for WWE. Both he and Stern have heavy-duty Viacom connections. Stern’s major demographic slots nicely with WWE’s. There have been numerous WWE appearances on Stern’s show in the past. There’s the Noo Yawk thing. All in all, it’s a good fit if they can make the arrangements. The thing is, it’s just not as good a fit as it would have been about eight years ago. It’s more like an act of desperation on the part of both, a pair of media entities that had known better times trying to develop some synergism between what’s left of their respective celebrities and hoping that a spark catches. In fact, it’s pretty close to pathetic if you think about it.
THE LAST ACT OF DESPERATION
Did Jeff Jarrett’s trans-Pacific assault on Hogan over in the Land of the Rising Yen seal off the speculation that Hogan had finally suborned his ego and realized that his last, best hope at one last ride in the US is firmly in the hands of Jarretts fils and pere? Are we seeing the ruination of TNA by bringing in the only person in wrestling who can skyrocket an audience and destroy a federation at the same time? The question becomes, of course, can the Jarretts keep Hogan in check? If Vince can’t, how can Jerry and Jeff? The tidings aren’t very good from down Tennessee way, I’m afraid…
THE PIMP SECTION
Biscuiti, Chris Isomer does a compare and contrast and even had a radio gig this weekend. I am available for such gigs, you know, and I can even drag Pankonin into it if you’d like.
Poffel returns, and gets his smile back at the same time.
Anderson shows that he’s not connected to Bower by an umbilical by pulling off a multi-part article with a lot of thought-provoking content. There’s one thing, Ken, that I’d like to see: could you compare the buyrates of the last set of PPVs to the first In Your Houses? They tried the cheaper non-major PPV route once, and that was during a non-boom period as well. Those numbers would be very interesting to look at. Of course, if WWE looked at them and made a positive comparison with the IYHes, we might end up seeing the return of Stephanie Wiand.
Cole answers any question you might have on your mind. Now if he can only tell me why I moved to f*cking Nebraska…
And it’s now time for the Short Form. Having missed Raw last week, I might end up a little confused, so bear with me…
THE SHORT FORM
Match Results:
Rob Van Dam over Big Sump Pump, Intercontinental Title Match (DQ, Fun With Steel Chairs): You know, when Austin came out to interrupt Sump Pump attempting to beat down My Beautiful and Beloved, I had a whole boatload of jokes ready, like “Austin was trying to stop Steiner from beating a woman? He should be giving him pointers on how to do it properly.”. And then Austin went ahead and gave a Stunner to My Beautiful and Beloved, thereby doing two things: 1) Making the jokes that were in my mind not so funny anymore and 2) confirming the long-held speculation that his character is simply an extension of him.
Maven over Rico (Pinfall, flying bulldog): Sorry, missed this one except for the end. I was typing in the paragraph below concerning Ric Flair, by coincidence. Damn, is Flair on tonight. The guy can still take your breath away from intensity alone. He’s still God.
Buh Buh Ray Dudley, D-Von Dudley, Spike Dudley, Booker Dudley, and Shane McDudley over Chris Crass and La Res, Tables Match (Booker puts Conway through table, uranage): Another example of “the bookers are on crack”. The match prior to the commercial was a nicely-paced eight-man, with good transitions, quick tags, etc. It was a surprise that the Dudleys kept up. Then after the commercial, it turned into a complete spot-fest, with one badly-blown spot to boot (Booker’s powerbomb attempt on Dupree). And if I was Rene Dupree, I would have been shitting my pants when being set up for the ShaneTerminator considering what happened to the last guy who got hit with it. However, there were a whole bunch of Haley’s Little Things involved in this one: Shane wearing a Dudleys T under his jersey, Spike actually hitting an Acid Drop, the interplay between Booker and Jericho, Booker getting the pin in his first televised match back from injury, Jericho using the French flag instead of Dupree and Conway…it’s just too bad that the small moments couldn’t make up for the crack-addled booking.
Trish Stratus, Lita, and Ivory over Molly Holly, Victoria, and Gail Kim (Pinfall, Stratus pins Victoria, rollup): Gail Kim didn’t blow a spot! Gail Kim didn’t blow a spot! Call the Pope! As per the whole Jericho/Stratus thing, let’s just hope that it’s only because they’re beginning a Canadian Supremacy angle with Jericho and not that they’re turning Stratus. I can stand Scott Keith’s Wet Dream coming true, but a heel Stratus?
Bill Goldberg and Shawn Michaels over Ric Flair, Randy Orton, and Mark Henry, Handicap Excuse For A Main Event (Pinfall, Goldberg pins Henry, duh): Speaking of Scott Keith, I can hear the screams from Calgary about Goldie not selling Flair’s offense. You can’t really say much about a match in which no one, including Ross and Lawler, had any enthusiasm for what was happening in the ring, and whose only reason for existence was to set up a Goldie/Michaels match for next week (preview for the December PPV, maybe?). So I won’t dwell on it either, if you don’t mind.
Angle Developments:
The Flair Virus: Like Red Dwarf‘s Felicitis populi, a Ric Flair promo is a positive virus. Did Jericho, Shane, Christian, and Conway all see that pre-tape prior to their entrance? Flair had that…well, Flair-like intensity going, and it spread to the rest of them. Damn good opening promo chain all around. Well, until the Dudleys came out, but they could ruin an orgy at the Playboy Mansion.
Beep Beep, Beep Beep, His Heart Went Beep Beep Beep: Is that the loudest heart monitor you’ve ever heard in your life or what? Annoying in so many ways, the worst of which being the Sledgehammer of Plot. Totally destroyed what was a good Shane promo.
The Differences Between Kane (and Test) and Me:
1) I’m on the same management level as my boss’s son.
2) I have more say in important decisions than my boss’s son.
3) I have more power than my boss’s son.
4) I don’t sell for my boss’s son.
5) When in a discussion with my boss’s son, I get the bulk of the promo time.
The Similarities Between Kane (and Test) and Me:
1) I know more about my job than my boss’ son.
2) I get paid less than my boss’ son.
3) I have to participate in stupid angles with a know-nothing bad-tempered bitch (Kane/Tori, Test/Steph, me and the veterinary inspector-in-charge…what a f*cking power-hungry clueless cow she is).
Yeah, I know, this column f*cking blows. I’m short-changing you guys with a small column today, and thanks to various and sundry, I’ll be doing a One-Hour Special tomorrow. However, eventually I’ll get settled here and settled down, and get back into a groove. And, really, it’s good to be working again and it’s good to be here. Best of all, it’s good to be back after my short “vacation”. So until tomorrow, keep your groove on.
About Eric Szulczewski
