411 Music's Friday News Bootleg 10.17.03

Welcome back to The Bootleg. Cubs fans…welcome to the off-season: population, “us”. These playoffs should be required viewing for anyone who thinks that football or basketball compares in the drama department. Every play, every pitch and every inning can be a gut wrenching ordeal when the fate of your season hangs on goin’ with the lefty or pinch-hitting for what’s-his-name. And, I guarantee that football n’ basketball fans don’t love their sports enough to cry over the outcome.

Hey, kids…The Bootleg needs your help. Next week, I’ll kick off Countdown to Resurrection here on 411. An introductory essay is complete and will be submitted to the 411 Board of Directors this weekend. How do you fit into this…? Well, I’m lookin’ for your memories, opinions and comments on Tupac.

Did you love him? Did you hate him? Pick a side and tell me why. Your inputs will be part of the most comprehensive and unbiased look at the career of one of music’s most controversial superstars. I’ll also be lookin’ for your top five Pac songs, ever, so rank ’em and send ’em on in. Countdown to Resurrection is a groundbreaking 10-part series over the next five weeks and I won’t be able to do it without y’all.

Everyone can catch The Goodness…unless you’re Moises Alou.

Worse Than Oscar, K-Kwik & Cena

Novelty rap acts aren’t nearly as plentiful as they once were. Ten years ago, Deion Sanders was lettin’ us know that he “kicks it like a game of kickball” and Jason Kidd was tellin’ us “what the Kidd did”. These days, we only get to laugh at Randy Savage, John Cena and Roy Jones, Jr. Not only does Roy hold one of the 27 heavyweight belts floatin’ around out there, but he’s about to drop his sophomore album, Round Two, I’m Ready. Not content with merely releasing the worst album of the year, Jones has brought in Lil’ Jon and Pastor Troy for cameos, as well. Remember in Rocky IV when Ivan Drago killed Apollo Creed…? Well, if there are any yoked-up Russians out there who wanna make a quick $20…drop me a line.

Money Train 2: Cuz None of Us Got Anything Better To Do

Yeah, y’all have been havin’ a good ol’ time at my girl’s expense. All the shots at her double-wide booty…the digs at her empty reservoir of talent…kickin’ her while she’s at her lowest point…Nah, not Mrs. Bootleg…I’m talkin’ ’bout J Lo. She starts out on the comeback trail from the colossal flop of Gigli and a near-marriage to Matt Damon’s Life Partner with a November 18 release of The Reel Me. It’s a DVD of her entire video catalog with a remix EP thrown in for the hell of it. Journey with her through the Puffy produced beginnings, the Ja Rule cameos and the Flashdance knockoff. I also hear the remix disc will include 50% more voice “sweetening”…what’s not to love?

Está Muy Gordo

Scary Movie 3 will be in theaters later this month and the cast is certainly…plentiful. The eclectic mix of B-Level actors includes rapper Fat Joe, whose claim to fame to this point has been his catchy nickname of “The Morbidly Obese Puerto Rican Rapper Who Didn’t Die”. Joe has a scene that riffs on Eminem’s 8 Mile movie. After shooting was complete, well, let’s have Joe tell it…”After we finished filming, I took them all out to dinner and we just ate.” There’s a shock. I’m tellin’ ya…one of these days, Joe is gonna be found face down in a plate of spaghetti, with his ankles bound and the word “gluttony” written behind the fridge. Don’t blame Kevin Spacey, Joe…blame yourself.

They’re Not The Mounties…

Criminal disturbance…Guns N’ Roses concert…the two go together like my unstoppable tag team of Mr. Perfect & Jake “The Snake” Roberts in that old Wrestlefest arcade game. Our setting is Vancouver, where a pair of cops have been cited in a G n’ R concert riot from last year at GM Place. The Dudley Do Rights are accused of using “unnecessary and excessive force”, a claim that’s backed up from surveillance tape of the event. One victim had six teeth knocked out from a police baton, despite evidence that allegedly shows he was not resisting arrest. Speakin’ of cops, while Big Bossman was very underrated in that game, he was no match for The Perfect Serpents.

Bitches n’ Hoes Sold Separately

Here’s something you won’t be readin’ on 411 Figures…for the two of you who read 411Figures. M’man, Snoop Dogg has changed toy licenses and will be releasing his next line of dolls action figures under the Sota Toy line. Individual Snoop figures will retail for $50, which shows that his lyrics aren’t the only thang with Snoop that’s obscene. Fifty dollars? Jesus, back in the day, I coulda bought a Luke Skywalker (in X-Wing fighter gear), a detachable C-3PO, the Darth Vader carrying case and still have enough coin left over to buy 2 dozen of those “Mumford Phys. Ed. Dept.” t-shirts that Beverly Hills Cop made popular for about a minute in 1984.

Chaplin: The Musical

Can anyone explain to me how cats like Steve Howe and Darryl Strawberry can get hundreds of “second chances”, but if I get busted for drugs, I’d be fired from my current gig and forced to check that “have you ever been convicted of a felony (yes)” box? So, you can imagine how excited I am to report that Robert Downey, Jr., all 118 crack-addicted pounds of him, is recording an album. He claims it’s gonna be similar in concept to Steely Dan, whoever that is. Kidding…I know he was Forrest Gump’s commanding officer in Vietnam. Hey, speakin’ of drugs, on my way to HBO’s East Coast Feed of Real Sex, I caught a glimpse of Matthew Perry…I think the phrase “you look like shit” should officially be retired and awarded to him.

So That’s What He’s Always Runnin’ From

It looks like P. Diddy Prefontaine is coming closer to reality. I’ll admit that I thought his public desire to run the NY Marathon was typical Bad Boy baseless hype…like Black Rob’s next album or Shyne’s defense team. This time, Puffy is for real…and, yes, that’s the first recorded writing of those words consecutively. He appeared on Oprah’s show this week to raise awareness (and a little money) for his charity run and announced the “Win Dinner With Diddy” contest, too. The winner gets a pre-race meal with Mr. Combs and a free session with Puff’s personal trainer. Second prize is a copy of Diddy’s next album, while third prize is two copies. See, because…he’s not a very good…ah, forget it.

Put This Dawg To Sleep

I admit it…I’ve been known to watch an episode or two of American Idol with the wife. The next day, I gaggle around the coffee machine with the gals to discuss the merits of the effeminate mocha boy with the knotted hair or the pear-shaped white girl who escaped the slaughterhouse. One thang I will not do, is purchase Idol Judge Randy Jackson’s new book, What’s Up Dawg? How to Become A Recording Star. Are you phukkin’ kiddin’ me? First off, America only can stomach one non-threatening brutha at a time and Wayne Brady has that role nicely filled. Second…”What’s Up Dawg?” Christ, what was the alternate title…”Negroes for Dummies”?

If Ever We Needed Subtitles

What do you get when a mediocre actor plays a pop culture icon that nobody cares about? If you guessed that this news item was about the rumors linking Jack Black to the role of Ozzy Osbourne, treat yourself to a nice plate o’ tripe. By the way, I would’ve also accepted Jim Carrey as Andy Kauffman. Mr. Black is publicly beggin’ for the chance to play the clinically deceased long-haired cadaver (Ozzy, not Kauffman). Now, Jack Black seems like a nice enough guy and I did enjoy Shallow Hal for the most part, but actors who make such a public sales pitch for a movie part never get it…or have you already forgotten the sad saga of Chyna and Terminator 3?

Sometimes The News Just Writes Itself

Any Nappy Roots fans out there? Yeah, me neither. I mean, didn’t Arrested Development do that “hillbilly hip hop” schtick first? And they sprinkled in a chick or two, to boot. Well, it seems that Nappy member, Big V has his own problems as his (sigh) chicken claw medallion was jacked during a flight from LA to Indy. I’mma turn over the show to Big V as his quotes are…ah, see for yourself:

“As soon as the plane lands I get out to check my luggage to make sure…cause you know, motherf*ckers go through sh*t working at the airport. They human too, they might have habits or some sh*t. And this time my chain happened to be gone.”

The garish medallion is somehow valued at $20,000 yet made entirely of white gold, which is a relatively inexpensive metal. I should know since my wedding band is made out of it, while the wife got platinum…I’m jus’ sayin’. Anyways, here’s more from V:

“I filed a report at the airport and my lawyers are on it cause something got to be done. Other than that man I’ll take the bullet to the face and learn to get my shit insured. When you don’t do wrong sh*t, you don’t think of wrong sh*t coming back to you. You learn. I got a new chain under construction now. I’m going to come back stronger than Scottie Pippen.”

Scottie Pippen? You mean V’s gonna find a more talented rapper whose coattails he can ride right into the Hall of Fame, while someone smashes his nose with a ball peen hammer? Let’s move on…I don’t think my spell check could take another quote from him.

Nick’a Please…!

You loved him in The Luke Report…You fiend for his mixtapes…Now, The Bootleg is proud to be the exclusive home to m’man, Salemi Version 1.0 and your moment of Nick…So, what’s he think of Outkast?:

“I just don’t like Outkast. Don’t care if it’s innovative or what funny colored hat one of them has on. Never liked em, never will…ignorant reasoning as that may sound. They’re an example of what happened to A Tribe Called Quest. Too non-threatening and too many white people like them, which obviously go hand in hand. I’ll never figure it out. And a double CD?

Sh*t, Rosa Parks would have probably moved from her seat if she knew it could have prevented that obnoxious song from their last album.

And speaking of the Tribe, I’ve heard some bullshit about their “comeback” album. No thanks, fellas. They haven’t made a listenable album since Midnight Marauders and Q-Tip still shouldn’t show his face in any respectable hip-hop setting, song, etc, since that
beyond wack solo album and even more sellout-Diddyesque TWO (not one but TWO) videos of him dancin’ around in shiny suits. He did bang Mariah before Jeter though. That was so many pork swords ago for her.”

The opinions expressed in Nick’a Please are those of Mr. Salemi and may not reflect those of the masses…cuz the masses are wrong.

General Haberdashery

True story: In 1991, 3 Tha Hard Way were defeated by Junkyard Dog, Tommy Rich and Ricky Morton in the semi-finals of the six-man championship tournament, when JYD pinned Fernandez, after some heel miscommunication from Smilo. True story.

Daniels has everything you wanna know about Napster 2.0 and what it means for you.

Cocozza might be tougher than leather, but he still enjoys the feel of a good pair of chaps.

Jeff celebrates the end of the Raiders season with class n’ dignity.

Junk Mail

‘Member last week, when I made a passin’ comment about Mrs. Bootleg’s pregnant breasts and offered to email photographic “before n’ after” evidence upon request?

I was freakin’ kidding!

I got about ten letters all with the same general theme as this guy, who shall remain anonymous:

I don’t know if you were serious about the pictures of your wife, but if y’all get down like that, I wouldn’t mind a copy.

“Get down like that”? Man, it took years before I discovered there was a second position. Hell, until my bachelor party, I didn’t know a woman could…whoa, I’m in enough trouble with Mrs. Bootleg as it is…. but, if I remember, I’ll tell that story next month in honor of my one-year weddin’ anniversary.

The rest of the mailbag was full of fire n’ brimstone from my most recent album reviews. Including, Bubba Sparxxx:

Your the most pathetic rap reviewer ever…Your just like everyone else an eminem cock sucker…I think ill go read reviews that actually hold some ground in the source…You will probably feel good about yourself because someones giving you feed back on your shit columns…

Ludacris…

How can you give a 3.0 to someone whose already dropped not one but TWO classic joints? Do you do anything for this site except criticize hip hop? If you don’t like the music, why do you listen to it? You’re a good writer, but you don’t know shit.

And Bad Boy’s Da Band…

The Band review was worst , because the album you reviewed made me wish I had the one you had. Puff usually does well making no talent acts sound like hits makers (see: mase), but he failed with this album. They had no chemistry at all (doing lyrics that don’t have a thing to do with the other’s lyrics doesn’t make it chemistry) and even worse the production was lackluster. As for Babs being anything close to good, I think Rah Digga wants her style back. I think I know what Puff was thinking, “Hey I could throw a fake Alicia Keys, Rah Digga, and Lil Wayne, with a bad southern Ja Rule, an average East Coast rapper, and a shitty reggae cat (to cash in on the reggae craze) and I’ll make more money than my overpriced clothes.

OK…quick responses to each of you, in order:

1.) It’s “you’re”, dumbass…
2.) Did you use “classic” and “Ludacris” in the same sentence…?
3.) Quit bein’ funnier than me…

Pretend Football

Headin’ into the Monday Night game, the Bootleggers were trailing the worst team in the league by about 12 points…then, Marc Bulger took the field against the Falcons and three hours later Team Goodness had won four in row. It’s me and the Friday Movies Guy this week, so let me give him an analogy that he’ll understand: He’s The Replacements mixed with a little Unnecessary Roughness, while I’m…uh, a good football movie.

Coming Soon

Check back next week for parts I & II of Countdown to Resurrection. I promise this is the last obnoxious plug for the finest mini-series in history. Better than Roots, Aaron? Yes, better than Roots.

Scared Str8

The wife proudly modeled two pair of maternity fat pants for me this week. I tried my best to feign interest, until she told me that these two pairs of potato sacks cost 70 bucks total. How the hell does someone spend that kind of money on something they’re gonna oink out of in three or four weeks? At least with hookers, you know the money is goin’ to the nurturing hands of their pimps.

I need something to do from October till Spring Training. Get at me on AOL or Yahoo IM: ajcameron13