Reviewer: “Starman” Matt Morrison
Story Title: Weapons of Mass Destruction
Written by: Chris Claremont
Penciled by: Igor Kordey
Inked by: Scott Hanna
Colored by: Liquid!
Lettered by: Rus Wooton
Editor: Mike Marts
Publisher: Marvel Comics
Somewhere in Texas, during mid-term week…
*RING RING*
Starman: (tired, but angry) WHAT?!
Daron: Minion, you dare to address your Overlord in such an impudent-
Starman: Oh, it’s you. Listen…this isn’t a great time…
Daron: I know. That is why I called. We have noticed a direct correlation between your enjoyment of a comic and our hits on
the website.
Starman: And that is?
Daron: The more you insult a book and its creator, the more hits we get!
Starman: Uh-huh… big news flash.
Daron: Seriously! It is like your spewing of bile attracts readers.
Starman: You sure it isn’t because every time I read a bad comic, my mind rebels against it and creates sarcastic commentary as a defense mechanism in a worst case scenario and people find that amusing?
Daron: No, I’m sure people just like reading you rant about stuff you don’t like and throw insults at it. That is why, because I know you hate it so much, I am going to have you read the new New X-Men.
Starman: But I like New X-Men!
Daron: Ah, beg all you want to but- WHAT?!
Starman: I like new X-Men. Grant Morrison is one of my favorite writers.
Daron: … really?
Starman: Yeah. I think he’s been doing good stuff with the title. Really pushing the X-Men in new directions instead of repeating the SOS every month.
Daron: Blast! Very well… you shall review the new Uncanny X-Men!
Starman: But there’s not a new one this week…
Daron: Damnation! Then you shall read the new X-Treme X-Men.
Starman: Already done.
Daron: Yes, quail in- you did?!
Starman: Yeah. It wasn’t bad.
Daron: It wasn’t?!?!
Starman: Well, it wasn’t that great… but most of my problems with it came from the fact that the whole thing was kinda anti-climactic…
Daron: How do you mean?
Starman: Well, it’s like you walk in on the middle of a action movie without knowing what is going on. There isn’t any effort made to introduce you to what is going on. I mean, practically all the other Marvel Comics fill you in, if not through a one page summary than through a quick summary at the start.
Daron: Yes, but this is X-Men; and X-Fans are notorious for keeping up on their titles and not needing such summaries.
Starman: Yeah, but it’s a pain for those of us who are just getting into things and haven’t been keeping up on twenty-years of Claremont’s character history. And then there’s the big deal about the return of Rogue and Gambit…
Daron: What about it?
Starman: Well, nothing is happening with it! I mean, Gambit is getting some action trying to break into the Bush family ranch with Storm and finding out how Dubya is apparently planning to bring the Sentinels back on-line or do something else decidedly anti-mutant….doing the master thief/superspy thing… but all we see of Rogue is that she got a tattoo, is working as a mechanic and her trying to talk sense into an anti-mutant terrorist named Marie.
Daron: I thought Rogue’s real name was Marie?
Starman: So did I! But apparently she’s going by Anna now.
Daron: Wait a second….Anna? As in-
Starman: Yeah, I read the issue before and she has a “The Piano” poster in her apartment.
Daron: That’s a bit cheesy.
Anna: You think that’s bad, Storm disguises herself as Halle Berry.
Daron: So what’s with this other Marie?
Starman: Same old story… her family got hurt by mutants and yet another anti-mutant terrorist group recruited her. Only interesting part is that apparently some mutant group is trying to segregate themselves away from humans and prompted her going as far over the edge as she did… but its not really that interesting. I mean, they make such a big deal about bringing back one of the favorite couples of mutant-kind and they are barely a part of the story. And the coolest image in the whole book and it is barely examined, but we spend way too long looking at the rise of yet another anti-mutant terrorist group.
Daron: What scene is this?
Starman: Storm makes a tornado and tries to kill the President.
Daron: (writing this down in his journal of world domination ideas) Really? That is most… unheroic.
Starman: Yeah, but… it wasn’t really her. Or she was just trying to scare all the world leader’s straight on trying to kill mutants… or something- which is weird considering that Storm and Gambit are using the same unethical means being used by the mutants who threatened Marie and her family after the attack if that’s the case.
Daron: To the X-Treme, in other words… is the art any good?
Starman: Okay, I guess. A lot of Igor Kordey’s female characters have similar faces. It took me a second, even with the eyepatch and hair-streaks to tell Rogue and “Marie” apart, since I thought Marie WAS Rogue at the start of this issue. But the scene with the attack on Crawford is VERY well illustrated.
Daron: Very well. I think that will suffice for the review. Your words shall be recorded upon the honor roll.
Starman: You mean the website?
Daron: Indeed. Anything further to report?
Starman: Only that I got mail from some crank saying I should knock off the comedic reviews and just report the facts directly rather than subjecting the public to more bad satires and fictional conversations with the editorial staff.
Daron: And do you think this rather lackluster and humorless review has proven the point that you should stick to your comedic works?
Starman: Uh… Overlord, this WAS one of the funny ones. I wasn’t trying to be serious to prove a point this time…
Daron: (long silence) Why on earth are we paying you 0 million dollars, again?
