Movie Junk News, Huzzah! 10.22.03


I apologize for missing last week. I had puss from my gums coming out of my eyes. Yummy, huh? So I get to have dental surgery on Friday and suffer throughout the weekend. Also, I get to quit smoking. Excuse me if I’m a little on edge.

Junk News! Huzzah!

David Gest is suing his ex-wife, Liza Minnelli, for 10 million dollars. Ah, the same old story. Gay guy meets girl who happens to be gay icon. Gay guy marries gay icon in some kind of freaky convenience marriage. Marriage turns out to not be so convenient and gay guy divorces gay icon and then sues gay icon for 10 millions dollars. The same thing happened to Widro.

The trailer for the remake of Dawn of the Dead is up now at Unlike The Texas Chainsaw Massacre, Sabrina, Psycho, Rear Window, Godzilla, and Every Other Crappy Remake Ever Made (Especially Rollerball) this movie is going to rule! (No it’s not.)

The first reviews for the new Matrix movie are in at aintitcoolnews, and the consensus seems to be that the movie rules. This is horrible news for the Star Wars geeks but great news for the Matrix geeks. The LOTR geeks still pretend to be above it all while the Godfather geeks don’t even realize there is a debate. The Scream geeks, consisting of those two kids in your town who go too far on Halloween and kill a cat, are plotting evil things for the Spy Kids geeks. It’s all very stupid.

Vin Diesel may return to his roots to do Fast and Furious 3. From what I understand, the movie would involve cars, drugs and to add a twist, snorkeling.

The next trilogy may be The Pirates of the Caribbean, as the producers are planning to release two sequels with one on top of the other in terms of release dates. Two pirates on top of each other? Butt Pirates? HAHAHAHA! Ha. Oh God.

Then Rock is slated to replace Governor to replace Arnold Schwatzenegger in Terminator 4. This is all part of a nefarious plot by the machines to give John Connor an inferiority complex, thus rendering him impotent in bed and unable to have children with Claire Danes. Those machines are tricky.

Why don’t the machines just make robots that look like John Connor? Wouldn’t that never mind.

Sylvester Stallone is set to replace Govern Governo Arnold Schwarzenegger in Westworld. another movie in which Arnold would have played a killer robot. Personally, I would have loved to see Anthony Hopkins in that role, but Hollywood still refuses to take my calls.

The Texas Chainsaw Massacre remake was #1 at the box office this week, bringing in a whopping 29.1 million dollars. Thanks to the absence of screeners for Academy Award contenders, look for TCM to rack up 12 nominations this year.

Deuce Bigalow European Gigolo has been dropped by Disney for receiving an R rating. Roy Schneider knew it was a risk to do full frontal but went through with it anyway because he’s an artist.

Robert Duvall is teaming up with Will Ferrell to make a soccer movie. What an excellent idea. It is being described as, “The Godfather meets Elf with soccer.” Look for Molly Shannon to sign on as some kind of sex obsessed soccer mom.

Although I’d been reporting it for weeks, WWE’s The Undertaker will be playing a role in the next Phantasm movie. How was his performance rated by the director? “PHAN-TASTIC!”

Ashton Kutcher and Demi Moore are getting married while Bruce Willis is offering a million bucks to a soldier who can get him four seconds with Saddam Hussein. Can we guess who has moved on and who might still be dealing with the anger a bit?

Coming out this week is Scary Movie 3. The trailer cracked me up, but there is absolutely no buzz on this movie. I guess we’ll just have to wait and see IT SUCKS! I KNOW NOTHING BUT IT SUCKS! SUCKS!

Warner Brothers will be producing the Daniel Pearl story. Look for the part of Daniel Pearl to be played by Joe Pantoliano, who gained experience for the part while filming The Sopranos.

Jesus I feel disgusting after that joke. I’m going to leave it in, but I really feel sick to my stomach.

Junk News. Huzzah.


I see movies, and while I’m nowhere near the reviewer our own Jacob Z is, I can do small bits.

Kill Bill is not Quentin’s best work, and that is not an insult to the movie. It is a compliment for Quentin. Pulp Fiction and Reservoir Dogs are classic movies, and while Kill Bill is not as good as either of them, it is right up there with them. The biggest problem is that there is absolutely no reason for it to be two movies except to make more money. Uma Thurman gives the best performance of her career and Sonny Chiba is excellent. If this had been one movie, I was getting major vibes from Michael Madsen in his brief time on screen that he could be up for an Oscar. Instead, he’ll appear in January and be forgotten by the time the 2004 Oscars come around. 3.5 out of 4.

School of Rock is the best movie about music I’ve ever seen. Everyone on the site has given a review, but I think something was missed, something that made me love the movie. Jack Black never talks to the kids like they’re kids. They’re his equals. That’s awesome. I also liked the movie because of how everyone else liked the movie. 4 out of 4.

The Station Agent teaches us all of how hard it is to keep a friendship going between a dwarf, a hot dog vendor and a female artist with a dead son. It’s a really good movie that you won’t see. 3.5 out of 4.

What are you doing at your computer when you could be watching television?

Formerly a punch-line to make Mr. Smithers look pathetic due to his watching it, Comedy Central is now the best network on television. You may ask why, and you’re in luck because I’m about to write a column answering that very question.

1. The best reruns on television. Saturday Night Live is always hit or miss, but not the episodes that Comedy Central shows during hours that people actually watch. The mid-day and late night SNL reruns are absolutely awful, but the afternoon reruns feature the great Will Ferrell episodes. Late Night with Conan O’Brien is also rerun on Comedy Central at 6, giving us the best show on late night network television at a reasonable hour. In addition, Comedy Central also owns the rights to Sports Night, the most underrated sitcom possibly ever. While you need to stay up until 4 am on either Tuesday or Wednesday to see it, it’s worth it until you get the DVD. The Critic, Kids in the Hall, Gary and Mike, The Ben Stiller Show, Dilbert, Clerks, Undergrads, Who’s Line is it Anyway (the really good ones from England), and in my opinion, the extremely overrated Absolutely Fabulous have all found new life on Comedy Central. All of these shows have something to offer as far as comedy goes. It makes one wish that Comedy Central had never picked up the god awful Duckman so that they had a spotless record.

2. Mostly horrible movies with the occasional gem. The one weakness of Comedy Central are the movies they show, and even worse, the movies they make. Still, there is the occasional showing of Rushmore. While that does not make up for the 8000 showings of Crocodile Dundee 2 or that awful Penn and Teller movie, Rushmore is an awesome movie, so let’s cut them a break there.

3. The funniest original shows on television except for Curb Your Enthusiasm. The Sopranos, The Wire, Carnivale, and The West Wing are the best shows on television. This is why HBO is the network to watch on Sunday nights and NBC is the place to be until 10 on Wednesday night. On Monday night, the best sitcom on television is Reno 911. On Tuesday night, the best sitcom on television is Crank Yankers although a strong case could be made for Fraiser. On Wednesday night, the best sitcom on television is South Park. On Thursday night, the best sitcom on television is Trigger Happy TV. The best show in late night, possibly ever, and I’m including Carson and SNL and Dave and Conan is without a doubt The Daily Show with Jon Stewart. Insomniac, I’m With Busey, Primetime Glick, and Chappelle’s Show are currently on hiatus, but they are all hilarious. Strangers With Candy, That’s My Bush, Beat the Geeks, TV Funhouse, Travel Sick, and Win Ben Stein’s Money are dead and buried, but they were quality shows. Compare the Comedy Central graveyard with the graveyard of any other network and you’ll see the standard of quality Comedy Central holds itself to.

And that’s that. Not one bad show. Daily Show, South Park, Trigger Happy and Chappelle’s Show are among the best on television. Comedy Central is consistently good with their original programming, something that cannot be said for HBO or Fox. Hurray for Comedy Central. You win.

Now watch Kid Notorious suck.

I’m going to do plugs in my wrestling column tomorrow. I’ll see you there. Until then, let’s go Marlins! Or Yankees! Who gives a crap?