Sorry about last week. I was out with a wicked tooth infection. Puss was coming out of my eye. It was not pretty.
So nobody is reading my report in the movie zone. You guys said you would read my report in the movie zone. You guys are filthy liars. You know what happens to liars? Pain. The pain of not having me around. You want me around? You read my stuff. Otherwise, pain.
Anyway
The pain of not having me. “Oh, we love you Josh!†“We’ll follow you anywhere Josh!†“What? Josh who?†Jesus. I ‘m gone for a week and I’m forgotten. And that was because of a toothache! How quickly you let go. The only thing that makes me sicker than my fans are your families.
Moving on
You Judases! I’ve seen The Passion trailer! You’ve left me beaten and moaning on the cross like whoever that guy wearing the thorns and bloody underwear was! When I write my memoirs, and write them I will unless I die beforehand, you will not be painted as the heroes who saved me from despair, traitors!
Going forward .
You know who I love more than anyone? My fans. I need a job. I’m willing to relocate. I have a B.A. in Politics from NYU, have written and produced a series of one-act plays off-off-Broadway and I’m incredibly reliable. I’d prefer something in New York City but for the right price I’d go anywhere. Help me. I’m in a tough spot and I need money really bad right now. I’d love you forever.
Junk News! Huzzah!
So, we have a whole lot of death to cover. Road Warrior/Legionnaire of Doom Hawk passed away. Let us remember Hawk the way he’d want to be remembered, as a Christian. I think. Maybe a Jew. Definitely a guy who got desperate, put on a motorcycle helmet and had Sunny manage him, but I don’t think he’d want to be remembered for that.
Droz is paralyzed and Hawk is dead. Animal, if you see a piano being hoisted up the side of a building, avoid it.
Michael Hegstrand is dead at the age of 46. Let us honor him with a song. I’m sure you’ll recognize it, just try to slow it down a bit and make it sad in your mind.
Here comes the Axe.
Here comes the Smasher.
We’re Demolition.
Walking disaster.
Pain and destruction are our middle names.
Search and destroy you.
Run and we’ll find you.
There’s no place to hide.
The demons will get you.
We’re Demolition. You’d better state your act of contrition.
What a rush. Oh. Oh, what a rush. We’ll miss you, Hawk. Despite not really missing you for the past 3 years, we’ll miss you.
Stu Hart died. I notice that people are shedding more tears over Stu than Hawk. You bastards.
Stu Hart had about 200 children. He had about 5000 grandchildren. He lived to be 88. He passed on his knowledge to hundreds of students, to his children, to his grandchildren. He outlived his wife and one of his children and I bet he was ready to join them. Despite all of the infighting, no one in the family ever stopped loving Stu. Based on all of that, how could we cry for Stu Hart? We should be insanely jealous of Stu Hart.
Yeah, any man who is so beloved yet spent his time torturing 20-something year old buff wrestlers in a ‘dungeon’ deserves OUR tears.
Sid Vicious is suing an independent movie producer for taking 1500 dollars of Sid’s money and not paying him back. Sid was hopping mad, which caused his ankle to snap in two pieces.
The big news this week, besides the death, is that Hulk Hogan has been injured and will be unable to work the 11/30 TNA show. This has led to speculation from idiots that Hogan will resign with the WWE in time for Wrestlemania XX. NO WAY! Did you guys see the Smackdown? Vince McMahon clearly proved it was Hulk Hogan underneath the Mr. America mask! That means Hogan is gone forever, idiots!
Raw did a 3.7 rating this week, up from the blah blah it got last week. When blah blah was asked about this stupid f*cking rating that none of us should give two shits in hell about he didn’t answer because I’m from the Internet. I’m the enemy. I’m here to spread gossip and invade the personal lives of these guys. Oh yeah, I was never a fan of the business. Jesus Christ. The closest I ever got to communication with a superstar was Lance Storm first basically calling me an asshole for “reporting†that he was fired. I still want to know who the asshole was who thought I was being serious when I reported Lance Storm was fired for some Divas special getting a low rating. I mean Jesus! What the hell am I talking about! Who cares about wrestling or recognition from people who’d rather we didn’t exist? There is so much contempt for us nevermind.
Let’s spoil Smackdown.
The new general manager is named. Let’s just give you a hint and say that Tazz is happy, The Undertaker is unhappy, and it’s Paul Heyman. What? These are spoilers you douche bag who just got all angry.
Paul tells Phantasmtaker that he has to fight The Big Show and Brock Lesnar in a handicap match, but if PT wins he can make any match he’d like. Phatasmtaker accepts and we prepare for our big main event that should obviously be won by the two bigger, younger, physically fit men.
Angle and Benoit fight two heels but Angle and Benoit wind up fighting. Could this be setting up a big match for Survivor Series we’ve only seen 8 million times? Yes.
Nidia is apparently dead from Tajiri’s black mist, or as I prefer to call it, liquorices that liquefied in Tajiri’s mouth.
Team Lenny and Carl are all pumped up about their tag title shot tonight, but instead Paul Heyman is mad they didn’t call him while he was gone. “We called you 18 times,†said Haas. Heyman then said he didn’t get any letters from the two. “Did something happen to the post office? I sent you letters, care packages and even a strip-o-gram,†replied Benjamin. Heyman concedes this but then said he didn’t receive any flowers except for the 9 bouquets of roses. Anyway, Paul admits that they did contact him but he’s trying to turn them face so Paul gives the tag team title shot to The Bashams. TLC is distraught.
A return takes place as Scotty and Rikishi resume their dancing stuff to take on Team Lenny and Carl. Wait a second two interracial tag teams in the same match? The Dudleyz The APA Eddie and Tajiri The Bashams with Shaniquia or however you spell it Goldust and Booker T The Hurricane and Rosey why haven’t I seen it before? Ever since the Rock made it big, the WWE wants to mix the races! Way to make Martin Luther King’s dream come to fruition, Vince. I’m proud of you.
Next week on Raw, 8 million jokes from Jerry Lawler about how Booker T took it up the ass in prison.
The Undertaker calls Sable a slut and promises Vince pain. It’s the most awesome 40 minutes ever.
The Bashams beat the Guerrororos to become the new tag team champions. Then Chavo turns on Eddie with an interview, and then Eddie weeps like a f*cking bitch.
Tajiri somehow managed to beat Zach Gowen, who cleanly beat Matt Hardy because wrestling sucks.
Lesnar and The Big Show trade barbs and threaten each other and promise to take each other’s titles and then they kiss. It’s really sick.
Hardcore Holly promises to return to end Brock Lesnar’s career. It’ll be good to have Hardcore back. Those new kids from Tough Enough will be on Smackdown soon. Along with the Bashams, Zach Gowen, Shannon Moore, the new members of the Japanese Mafia, and a long overdue Jon Cena will all benefit learning from Hardcore Holly. Holly is said to be very, very, very excited about working with the new guys.
Undertaker beats both The Big Show and Brock Lesnar to set up a buried alive match with Vince McMahon at Survivor Series. Of course the Undertaker will lose, be buried alive and come back as the old Undertaker thanks to the amazing powers of the dirt and because wrestling sucks.
Junk News! Huzzah!
What I Really Think
Since I’m kind of not really quitting in a week, I can now say what I really think of everyone without fear of reprisal. I’m going to write down the exact date and time I wrote that as I prepare for my comeuppance.
Chris Hyatte is PETTY! There, I said it! I love the guy to death, but there are things to start wars over and there are things to let slide. As Chris Rock sort of said, “You don’t have to shoot a brother because he smudged your Aididas.†Also, he’s a star f*cker, but if the stars that are talking to him were talking to me, I’d be f*cking them too.
Scott Keith is not having any fun at all and it shows. Maybe I should read the blog, but his reports stink of, “I have to do this because I have readers.†Still, he has mad power. I have a fan who’s really into the whole net thing, and he actually told me he didn’t know if Raw was good because Keith didn’t write a report this week. That might be the saddest thing of all time. People, it is a wrestling show! Keith is not the final authority on whether or not you liked it! YOU ARE!
Flea is my friend. He is also petty, but not so much. And he’s a great guy.
Daniels needs to get over his inferiority complex. The fact that he buys into it makes it that much easier to make fun of him. I love it. Also, he’s a bland writer and a terrible lover. I know the second part because his ex-girlfriend told me while I was f*cking her.
NoSoul should not answer letters by taking the entire letter and responding to each part. AGH! I hate that!
Everyone but 20 or so people in the forum suck.
Katie Vick is a slut and deserves to be dead.
I don’t know if I’m quitting. I don’t know what I’m doing. All I know is I need a job, I need money, I need a real life. But first I need to go to sleep. I’m on a lot of pain medication. Read all the other columns and go to 1ryderfakin.com for my favorite thing ever. Later.
