Reviewer: Jesse Baker
Story Title: Happy Birthday Part Three
Written by: JMS
Penciled by: John Romita Senior and Junior
Inked by: Scott Hanna
Colored by: Avalon
Lettered by: Randy Gentile
Editor: Axel Alonso
Publisher: Marvel Comics
A stream-of-consiciousness flashback, of the life and times of the amazing and spectacular Spiderman, ahead!!
Claudia Christian: Previously on Spiderman…..
Peter Parker: OWWW!!!!!!! I got bit by a Spider!
Spiderman: OH DEAR GOD! YOUR THE GUY IN THE HALLWAY I COULD HAVE STOPPED! NOW HE’S KILLED MY UNCLE!!!!!!!!!!
Betty Brant: MY BROTHER’S DEAD AND IT’S ALL YOUR FAULT!!!!
Spiderman (to himself): GREAT!! Now I’ll never get to score with Ms. Brant……
Ned Leeds: I’m Ned Leeds….
Harry Osborne: I’m Harry Osborn!
Gwen Stacy: I’m Gwen Stacy!
Green Goblin: I’m Norman Osborn and now I know your secret identity Spiderman! You are Peter Parker!
Spiderman: D’OH!!!!!
Mary Jane: Face it tiger, you’ve hit the jackpot….
Peter: Sorry MJ, I’ve already committed to Gwen.
Mary Jane: D’OH!
Spiderman: Dear God! I’ve got 8 arms! No wait, I just have 2 arms again thank God….
Harry Osborn: You think you have it tough Peter? You don’t know what tough is! Tough is having your best friend and your girlfriend fooling around behind your back. Now, where’s my crackpipe.
Norman Osborn: My son’s an addict, my business’s stock is going down at a rapid pace. And the dry-cleaners used WIRE HANGERS on my dry-cleaning. I DON’T LIKE WIRE HANGERS!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
(Green Goblin tosses Gwen Stacy off a bridge)
Spiderman: GOBLIN!!!!!! YOU KILLED MY GIRLFRIEND!!!!!!!!!
Green Goblin: I did no such thing! You killed her with your webbing……
Spiderman: I did?
Green Goblin: Yes you did you murdering murderer!!!!! Your webbing broke her neck….
(Green Goblin’s Goblin Glider flys towards Spiderman, who ducks out of it’s way. The Glider impales the Green Goblin in his chest….)
Green Goblin: CORN-NUTS……..
Harry Osborn: Papa can you hear me? Papa can you here me? I’ll make you so proud and avenge your death!!!!
Punisher: I’m the Punisher. I kill criminals….
Nightcrawler: My name is Kurt Wagner. But in the Munich circus I….
“New” Green Goblin: SHUT UP GENE-JOKE! I’m going to kill you Peter and avenge my father’s death!!!!!
(Spiderman punches Harry Osborn (in the Green Goblin costume) out….)
Harry Osborn: I’m the GREEN GOBLIN!!!!!!!!!
Police Officer: That’s what they all say. “I’m the Green Goblin! I’m Magneto! I’m the Red Skull!
Jackyl: I’m the Jackyl and these (pointing to his Spiderman and Gwen Stacy clones) are my clones.
Spider-Clone: I’m going to defeat you!
Spiderman: Is that really a clone of me? I saw the notes in your office Jackyl and all I could find were research notes involving DNA viruses that can turn people into genetic dopplegangers of other people…..
Jackyl: That was another project I was working on. The clone notes were at my house….
(A bomb goes off and only one Spiderman walks out of the blast zone.)
Kurt Connor: I can run some tests and find out if you are really indeed the real Peter Parker if you would let me.
Peter Parker: No need to tell me, I know that since I love Mary Jane that I am the real Peter Parker.
Kurt Connor: Are you sure?
Peter Parker: I’m positive.
Kurt Connor: REALLY?
Peter Parker: I’M DAMN SURE I’M NOT SOME STINKING CLONE…………
Liz Allen: The Green Goblin is back!!!!!!!
Green Goblin: I’m going to kill them all and become the most powerful crime lord in this city! And you have to sit here helpless in my lair with that hood over your face and know how helpless you are to stop me!
Spiderman: Not so fast! I knew you were crazy Harry but keeping a guy prisoner as your own personal gimp? That’s a new low…
(Spiderman punches out the Green Goblin and unmasks him…)
Spiderman: YOU’RE NOT HARRY!!!
(Liz Allen appears and unmasked the Goblin’s masked prisoner. As she removes the hood, we see it’s Harry underneath the hood. )
Green Goblin: I’m Harry’s psychiatrist! And I would have gotten away with it if it wasn’t for you pesky heroes!!!!
(Harry’s shrink jumps out the window to his death.)
Harry Osborn: Thank you for saving me! Liz, will you marry me?
Liz Allen: YES!!!
Ned Leeds: Betty Brant, will you marry me?
Betty Brant: YES!!!!!
Peter Parker: Mary Jane, will you marry me?
Mary Jane: No. I just landed a huge modelling contract that requires me to go into comic book limbo for a couple of years….
Mysterious Phone Caller: Peter Parker, your aunt died while visiting in Florida…..
Peter Parker: WHAT?
Betty Brant: Aunt May is dead…..
Peter Parker: You know what this means?
Betty Brant: House Party at your house to celebrate my seperation?
Peter Parker: SEPERATION?
Ned Leeds: You hitting on my wife Parker?
(Ned hits Peter in the face.)
Mysterio: You are going to tell us where the gangster’s money is at your house May Parker!!!!
Aunt May: NEVER!!!! You can fake my death and take me prisoner but I won’t tell you anything!!!!
Mysterio: That’s why I called in HIM!!!!!!
Burgler: Remember me? I killed your hubby and I’ll kill you too if you don’t tell me and Mysterio where the loot is….
(At the “Ned and Betty are back together/Aunt May Wake” Party)
Peter Parker: AUNT MAY!!!
(Peter sees the burgler aznd tries to kill him with his bare hands……)
Peter: You killed my uncle! Now I’ll kill you!!!!!!!!!!
Burgler: You’re Spiderman?
(Burgler drops dead from a heart attack…)
Mysterio: Sorry I’m late, but I had to go back to my lair to get my spare cape after I spilled coffee on the one I was wearing….
(Peter knocks out Mysterio….)
Spiderman: Who are you?
Black Cat: I’m the Black Cat, jewel thief with a heart of gold…. But I’d give my life of crime up for the love of a man who likes to dress up in a closed face spandex catsuit.
Spiderman: I’m wearing a closed face spandex catsuit!!!!
Black Cat: Great!!!! Just remember to make a hole in the crotch so we can have sex while you are wearing it….
Hobgoblin: The Green Goblin was the insane Goblin. I’m going to reign terror onto this city without meeting Osborn’s final fate of defeat!
Spiderman: Hey Black Cat, want to see my new black costume? I picked up from Beyonder-world during that Secret Wars affair…
Black Cat: Peter, you know that I don’t care what you wear so long as you wear your costume to bed….
(The doorbell rings.)
Spiderman: I’ll get it….
(Spiderman opens the door. It’s the Puma on the other side. The Puma hits Spiderman in the face.)
Puma: That’s for opressing my people!!!!!!!!
(Mary Jane walks into the room and looks at Peter.
)
Mary Jane: Is this a bad time to come back into your life and reveal that I know your Spiderman?
Black Cat: Girl, you’re a little late. Peter’s mine!!!
Mary Jane: At least I don’t go to the Kingpin of Crime to get super-powers….
Spiderman: Is this true Felicia?
Black Cat: I hear Sabretooth in the back alley. I need to go beat him up some more and make him go running back to that freak Mr Sinister that he’s been working for….
(Black Cat jumps out the window as Peter takes off his hood.)
Peter Parker: How long have you known about it?
Mary Jane: Since the beginning….
Alien Costume: So can I eat your brains?
Mary Jane: What did you say?
Alien Costume: Can… I… Eat… Your… Brains?
Mr. Fantastic: Your costume is a living thing….
Spiderman: Get it off, get it off, get it off of me!!!!!!!!!!
Spiderman: Ned Leeds is Hobgoblin? And that someone hired thugs to kill him?
Kingpin: Yes he is. The fact that I couldn’t figure it out myself has made me the laughing stock of all organized crime.
Spiderman: I thought you were the laughing stock of the crimeworld because you can’t kill Daredevil despite having numerous chances to kill him…
(Kingpin gives Spiderman the evil eye….)
Spiderman: O-KAY…. Back to the subject at hand: This can’t be true….
Kingpin: Why do you say this?
Spiderman: Because the Hobgoblin was super-strong and had super-human endurance. These pictures shows Ned getting his throat crushed with piano wires and his arm broken by a bunch of hired thugs. If Ned was really the….
Daredevil: Quick Spiderman, the Sin-Eater has killed again…..
Spiderman: Oh no!!!!!!!!!
Minister: Do you Mary Jane take Peter Parker to be your lawfully wedded husband?
Mary Jane: One second….
(Mary Jane walks towards the pews and beats her father in the head for several minutes while screaming obsenities at him, then walks back to the alter.)
Mary Jane: I do…..
(Kraven is wearing the black Spiderman costume and talking on the phone with the Chameleon.)
Kraven: I not only beat Spiderman, but I proved to the world that I could look good wearing his black costume. Now that I have done this, I have nothing left to do…
Chameleon: BROTHER, DON’T DO IT….
(Kraven shoots himself in the head and dies.)
Chameleon: NO!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! I’ll get you for this Spiderman, my brother’s blood is on your hands!!!!!!!!!!
Venom: I’m going to eat your brains Peter Parker….
(Spiderman shoots Venom with a sound gun.)
Spiderman: Now I have to go back to the blue and red costume damnit!!!!
Jason Macendale: I killed Ned Leeds! I stole the Hobgoblin identity from him! So why won’t you let me sell my soul to you for super-powers?
Limbo Demons: Because you are a loser! But since you’re narcisistic rantings made me laugh, I’ll turn you into demon…
Jason Macendale: NO!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
Harry Osborn: Daddy says I have to kill you…..
(Harry Osborn tosses two Goblin Bombs at Peter and MJ while Cyclops, Jean Grey, Iceman, and Beast.beat the living daylight out of Professor Power.)
Peter Parker: A little help here!!!!
Beast: We’re just here to stop Professor Power…
Cyclops: Our contract said nothing about Green Goblins…..
(Harry collapses onto the ground…..)
Harry: Knew I shouldn’t have tinkered with daddy’s Goblin formula……
Venom: Peter Parker, we have a problem: My costume’s had a kid and he’s bonded to a serial killer.
Carnage: I AM CARNAGE!!!!!!!!!!!!
(Venom and Spiderman beat Carnage up.)
Spiderman: I’ll make a deal with you Venom. Don’t try and kill me anymore and I’ll let you go free.
Venom: Sure!!!!
(Ghost Rider, Spiderman, and Johnny Blaze are fighting Hobgoblin….)
Ghost Rider: PENNENCE STARE!!!!!!
Johnny Blaze: HELLFIRE SHOTGUN!!!!!!
Spiderman: SARCASM!!!!!!!!!!!
(Hobgoblin splits into two different forms, regular Hobgoblin and Demo-Goblin….)
Mary Jane: Things have gone to hell Aunt May: the Chameleon and Harry Osborn teamed up and sent robots dressed up like Peter’s parents to kill us and Peter’s had a complete and total nervous breakdown and….
Aunt May: I TOLD PETER THAT THOSE WEREN’T HIS PARENTS!!!!
(Aunt May falls to the ground….)
Aunt May: My heart,,,,,,
(Spiderman beats the living daylight out of Scorpion.)
Spiderman: PETER PARKER IS DEAD!!!!!!! I AM THE SPIDER!!!!!!!!!!!!!
Scarlet Spider: Do I really sound like THAT when I scream? Lord I sound stupid….
(Aunt May wakes up in her bed screaming in horror……)
Peter Parker: Are you ok Aunt May?
Aunt May: I had this horrible dream. I was dead but not really dead, as I was being held prisoner by Norman Osborn, who wasn’t really dead at all. He had me dress up like a baby and fed me baby food and called me baby May.
(Peter and Mary Jane look on in shock.)
Aunt May: Then that man I used to date, the one who turned out to be that awful Dr Octopus was killed off but he was brought back to life by ninjas. And you had a clone called Ben Reilly running around with a bad dye job serving coffee at a coffee shop. And you Mary Jane had a baby with Peter but the poor child was still-born….
(Peter and Mary Jane look at each other nervously, as everything that Aunt May said she dreamed happened did indeed happen.)
Aunt May: But enough about my bad dream, lets watch some television.
TV Announcer: In a bombshell revelation, convicted murderer Jason Macendale revealed to onlookers outside the court house today that Daily Bugle reporter Ned Leeds was the Hobgoblin and responsible for the bulk of the crimes that Macendale was convicted of. Furthermore, Macendale takes credit for orchestrating the murder of Leeds in order to claim the Hobgoblin identity for himself….
Mary Jane: How can this be? You said that the Hobgoblin was super-strong. How could Ned be killed by hired thugs if he had all of the super-strength and endurance powers of the Green Goblin?
Peter: Dear God, you’re right! Ned never could have been the Hobgoblin!!! The real Hobgoblin framed Ned and had him murdered so he could disappear without being made to pay for his crimes…..
(Suddenly 411 assistant editor John Babos appears.)
John: Is there a “review” in here somewhere? When is this piece going to reach it’s point?
Jesse: Given that the plot for Amazing Spiderman #500 is that a time-lost Spiderman has to relive his entire career from the very beginning in order to be able to stop the Earth from being destroyed in the present, I figured that I should do a retrospective on Spiderman’s career for this review.
John: OK, but this seems to be a tad bit… gauche….
Jesse: Good point…..
