Oh, geez…
Okay, this is going to be the equivalent of a One-Hour Special (plus two hours for Raw). Last Thursday, I came down with a cold. A weekend in bed didn’t help, and on Sunday, it decided to settle in my stomach. Between the paralyzing-pain-level stomach cramps and rushes to the bathroom, I really haven’t had time to prep on stuff. Besides, there really wasn’t much to talk about per se. I don’t see any wildfires out my window, the Bears actually won, baseball season is (thank God) finally over, and, as Williams said, nobody died this week.
And is it a coincidence that I get sick the very weekend of the Unholy Union? No, I don’t think so. In fact, it was at virtually the very moment that they were taking their vows that the stomach cramps started…they do read me, you know, and they do have hell-spawned powers, you know. I wouldn’t put it past them. Either that or it’s some kind of karma thing: they’re happy, so I have to be miserable. Well, I won’t know the answer to this until my True Destiny is reached and I gain total universal knowledge. I was hoping that would have happened by now, though.
I’ll just throw in dribs and drabs, then just do the Pimp Section and the Short Form, then try to get some rest. There’s only so much you can do when you’re downing sports drinks like there’s no tomorrow, and the way I’m feeling, I wouldn’t place bets on that…
So UT might be going back to the Dead Man gimmick? Hey, why not? He’s still the same damn character he’s always been. This’ll just give him the kayfabe to back his stale, shitty routine up.
“Understated but dignified”? Who the hell is 1bullshit kidding? This was Trip and Steph’s wedding. Tell me the last time either of them did anything that was understated or dignified.
“Shawn Michaels, Kevin Nash, the Undertaker, and William Regal”. Members of Trip’s side of the Unholy Menage, or the full list of guys he’d think twice about having job to him?
And, oh, yeah, Austin’s book comes out tomorrow. Like I’d give a f*ck about that.
THE PIMP SECTION
Nute describes quite well what my body’s feeling like right now, only I don’t need UT to deliver anything to make me feel that way.
Taylor fellates Angle, but does it so well that you wouldn’t notice except for the little bits of dripping from the sides of his mouth.
Here’s one for Cole: if dysentery kills so many people every day, why does it leave ones alive to suffer like this?
And just go read the rest of the sections for your favorites. Badlissi’s got a new one up in Games, and his shit’s always good to go.
THE SHORT FORM
Match Results:
Booker T over Rico (Pinfall, scissors kick): Well, at least Rico got some counters in. No offense, but some counters. And was anybody else thinking that when Van Dam and Booker were in that cage together, “Hey, impromptu IC title match, now!”?
Mark Henry over…somebody (DQ, Michaels-ference): I was in the bathroom, sorry…it was Lance Storm? Then I’m glad I was in the bathroom.
Novocaine Helms and John Heidenreich over Rene Dupree and Rob Conway (Pinfall, Heidenreich pins Conway, uranage): Not really a fair test to see if Heidenreich has what it takes, but indications look fair so far. I really didn’t care about that, though. I just luxuriated in the presence of Rob Conway, who am I loving more and more as weeks go by. Goddamn, elevate him soon, please. As for the finisher, quoth Slick Rick (and update the e-mail addy, please, Rick; I’m killing that other account later this week): Come on JR, that was the f*cking Book End…. er who is that movie dude again? I think he had a finisher like that too…
Shane McMahon over Test, No Disqualification Match (Pinfall, ShaneTerminator): I’d say that this was the best match ever between a non-wrestler and a cripple, but I haven’t gone through the whole ECW library yet, and there are so many of those to choose from in there. And, yeah, the SurSer match needed a gimmick, but an Ambulance Match? Oh, please…well, Buried Alive is taken, so I guess this is the best we can settle for. But why not a Flaming Dumpster match? At least it’d fit the angle.
Lita over Trish Stratus, Victoria, and Gail Kim, Fatal Four-Way Number One Contender’s Match (Pinfall, Lita pins Victoria, DDT): You know, a Fatal Four-Way is more interesting when there’s some mystery about who the winner’s going to be. It has to be a face against Molly, and Trish is played out for now, so that meant Lita. Of course, the lack of mystery gave us an opportunity to look at Molly, and…she looks a lot like Pat Benatar. Back when Benatar was really hot. The Eighties Live, in mysterious ways.
Mark Jindrak and Garrison Cade over Ric Flair and Randy Orton (Pinfall, Jindrak pins Flair, Maven-ference): Ah, more screams are heard from the general direction of Alberta as someone furiously types in material about Flair jobbing in Flair Country…Scott can be so predictable at times. Of course, the last time Flair jobbed in Flair Country, it was to Trip, and the screams were of banshee-volume. Actually, I was one of the people screaming, but only because of the fact that we all thought that this was Flair’s retirement match. But this time might be worse: job Flair to elevate Jindrak, Cade, and Maven? That isn’t a good trade, despite Ric’s willingness to do so and his ability to broomstick anything even in his early fifties.
Rob Van Dam over Chris Jericho, Intercontinental Title Cage Match And Video Pimp: Not bad, given the constraints of time, booking, and necessary run-ins at the end. Of course, with the Dudz and Mark Henry involved in the SurSer match, it’s sorta gone to hell, but they’ve kept that all-important fifth slot on each team open, giving us a dim hope that it won’t be Bisch and Wife-Beater. How nice of them.
Angle Developments:
Ghosts Of The Past: And we’re in the middle of Flair Country, so what’s better than Flair coming out to do the opening promo and acting like only Flair can? How about Batista doing a passable Arn Anderson and Orton being Blanchard 2K3 for a few seconds? And to top it all off, Bischoff doing a spot-on JJ Dillon? Of course, then Austin had to come out and ruin it all by booking the f*cking-obvious Trip/Goldie rematch at SurSer, but, unfortunately, we’re conditioned to expect those disappointments by now.
Hmmm, not much angle development this week. Yep, it’s three weeks to PPV for sure.
Honestly, I’ll put some work into tomorrow’s column. But right now, I really need some rest, a respite from twice-hourly trips to the can, and probably some Ass Cream ™ after this is all over from the serious abuse some rather sensitive tissues have undergone. Until tomorrow, take care.
About Eric Szulczewski
