Welcome back to The Bootleg. I’ve been told my facial hair bears a strong resemblance to that of former Red Sox OF Mike Greenwell on his 1987 Topps card. The signs of autumn are everywhere as leaves change colors, the weather gets cooler and large portions of San Diego County go up in flames. That’s right…according to the local news, it’s Firestorm 2003 here in Southern California and I don’t mean the flamboyant comic book hero of the ’80s.
Amid the nearly one thousand homes lost and the dozen or so people who have died, I can honestly tell you that a raging inferno is not the best way to recover from the flu. I’m at that stage where all the symptoms have moved on to those I’ve infected (trick or muthaphukkin’ treat, Aaron’s co-workers) and all I’m left with is this phlegm-filled cough that requires more Kleenex than when I blow my nose. Seriously…you’d request a different seat if they sat you next to me on an airplane.
So for the last week, I’ve been inhaling windblown ash from the still-burning fires. The sky has turned a charcoal gray, while the sun has become blood red. Hell, I was using my car’s headlights at 2:00 PM one afternoon this week. And why was I risking my life out in this carcinogenic dust bowl? Because the pregnant wife can’t live without four crispy tacos from Taco Bell every few hours.
I’m tellin’ ya…the air around here smells and tastes like the teacher’s lounge and grandma put together, but if I forget Mrs. Bootleg’s packets of mild sauce, she’ll send me right back in it.
I hope everyone remembered to fall back…into The Goodness.
Use Buy It Now & Shipping Is Free
How do you know when you have too much money? Here’s a hint: If you’re willing to pay hundreds of dollars for a still-in-package LJN wrestling figure…you’ve got too much money. And, if you’re placing a bid for one of the hand-painted molds of Sharon Osbourne’s breasts…you must be C. Montgomery Burns. Sharon and her pickled husband are auctioning off the sculpted impressions of her weather-beaten fun bags with proceeds going towards breast cancer research. Hey, I thought Sharon had colon cancer…? I guess a plaster mold of that would be disgusting or something.
Civil Unrest = Hilarity
Snoop Dogg recently completed filming his parts in a controversial new independent film. LA Riots Spectacular is a biting satire of the events leading up to and including the 1992 riots in Los Angeles. Snoop serves as a narrator and shares the screen with Emilio Estevez, Christopher MacDonald, T.K. Carter and Ron Jeremy. The film is already getting good underground buzz, obviously from people who don’t realize that this flick stars the coach from Mighty Ducks, Shooter McGavin, the teacher from Punky Brewster and Hedgehog the Porn Star.
Someone Should Knock Him The F*ck Out
Former President Bill Clinton attended a fund-raiser this week at one of Mr. Sunday’s favorite D.C. hip hop spots, Dream. Outkast, Ginuwine and Chris Tucker were also in attendance at the event, where nearly $100,000 was raised for the Democratic National Party. Clinton is looking to…whoa, wait a minute…Chris Tucker? They weren’t filming scenes for the next Rush Hour movie, were they? What a life…who else can show up every once in awhile, capture the nation’s attention, make a few bucks, and then disappear back into obscurity? OK…maybe Gerry Cooney, Tommy Morrison and The Klitschko Brothers…but, who else? Oh yeah…I went there.
Puffy Lee Gifford
P. Diddy is feelin’ the heat for allegedly using Honduran sweatshop labor in the production of his grotesquely overpriced Sean John clothing line. According to reports, Sean John workers must submit to daily body searches, drink contaminated water, and work 12-hour daily shifts while only receiving 24 cents for every shirt that is sewn. Hmm…except for the getting paid part, it sounds like someone has been cribbing from the 411 Mania Employee Handbook. Puffy swears he’s gonna get to the bottom of this. His plan is to tell payroll to quit sending paychecks to the crazy guy with the stapler. See? He fixed the glitch. Damn, I love that movie.
Everybody Has A Price
Former Snoop Dogg protégé, Tray Dee, is claiming that the D-O-double G owes him over a million dollars in unpaid royalties. Tray Dee released two albums as part of The Eastsidaz group while on Snoop’s Doggystyle label. Mr. Dee has gone so far as to suggest that he and his former mentor should step into the ring and the winner takes all. Works for me…and might I suggest a lumberjack match? All we need are a dozen or so out-of-work rappers to surround the ring to prevent any outside interference or double countouts. My partial list would include: Craig Mack, Black Rob, Vita, MC Ren, Lil Cease & the entire Death Row Records roster.
I Know I Can’t…
Queens rapper Nas is slated to appear on the next release from Korn. The track is entitled Play Me and could get some serious rotation in the next few weeks. Let’s hope it doesn’t follow the lead of Nas’ last single I Can which featured dozens of annoying kids on the hook and dozens more of the lil’ bastards in the video. It was one of those “inspirational” tracks that tried to tell kids they could be anything they wanted to be. Please. I’d guess 1% of society actually lives out their childhood dream (HBK as WWE Champion, for example). The rest of us settle…except for my brother. When we were kids, he distinctly told me that he wanted to be an unemployed 30-year-old living with our mom and sleepin’ until 2:00 PM everyday. Sometimes dreams do come true.
Did Anyone Check The Pawn Shops?
Another week…another dumb-ass rapper gets jacked for a bunch of jewelry. This time it’s Nelly, as over one million dollars in jewels were stolen from his hotel room at the Aladdin Hotel & Casino in Las Vegas. As a responsible adult, I’m obligated to state how very wrong it is to steal. That said, if these random thefts somehow lead to the complete abolishment of amazingly tacky, oversized medallions and five carat earrings, then I’m all for it. Keenan Ivory Wayans was makin’ fun of all this gaudy materialism in I’m Gonna Git You Sucka. That movie came out 15 years ago. Rappers…we’ve stopped laughin’ at you. Now, it’s just sad. And don’t get me started on gold teeth.
Chicken, Beer & Beautiful White Women
M’man Ludacris is planning to collaborate with one of the biggest names in all of pop music. Madonna? Britney? Nah…get ready for Luda and Kylie Minogue! Look for the duo on a remix of one of Luda’s current tracks from his latest album. Younger readers might not remember, but there was a time when names like Pebbles, Samantha Fox, Martika and Debbie Gibson polluted the airwaves with Electric Youth and Mercedes Boy. Thank God we’ve evolved enough as a society to demand more from our artists. Oh, by the way, I was being sarcastic. (Well, duh…)
Sometimes The News Just Writes Itself
As far as rap feuds go, Benzino vs. Eminem is right up there with Dino Bravo vs. anyone. In an effort to make someone care, Benzino is claiming to be in possession of a 1995 tape that allegedly contains lyrics from Slim Shady that denounce Black folk. The 55 year old Benzino is promising additional details in the next issue of the rap magazine he owns. Christ…the only people who think this tape is going to be authentic are the same ones who believed that Ric Flair had Elizabeth first, as he claimed back in ’92. Man, what a great angle…although, I can still hear Flair’s wrinkly snaggletoothed mouth talkin’ about Liz’s “moist, wet lips” in my nightmares.
Nick’a Please…!
This week, Bootleg contributor Nick Salemi shares his thoughts on the just completed baseball playoffs. Remember…his views don’t necessarily reflect those of the masses…cuz the masses ain’t sh!t but hoes n’ tricks…
“Well, the 2003 World Series and playoffs are over so there’s only one way to reflect on them. Obviously by comparing each team involved to a movie.
Marlins – Ladies and Gentlemen, your 2003 World Series Champions! Where’s the excitement? Anyway, I’m kind of torn, as the “low-budget” team (where else is $50 million low budget?) they can be called the Blair Witch Project as the team had a huge return on a (comparably) small budget. However, I think that more fittingly it can be compared to The Pianist. Let’s face it, yeah it got critical acclaim but you couldn’t pay me to watch it, even in a baseball stadium made famous by…. Dan Marino.
Yankees – Obviously Gangs of New York. Huge budget, lots of hype and expectations, and although it wasn’t a flop it certainly didn’t get the job done. Mariano Rivera is the “Daniel Day Lewis as Bill the Butcher” standout performer that rose above the overpaid clutter around him.
Red Sox/Cubs – Groundhog Day. Haven’t I seen this already?
Braves – Freddy vs. Jason. Even though they slaughter everyone throughout the movie (year), in the end, they get killed but somehow come back for another season. And although at first they seemed scary they become more of a joke every year.
Giants – The Godfather, Part III. Both had lofty expectations due to previous efforts. Barry needs that ring…Michael needs forgiveness. Both come up empty.
Twins – Gone in 60 Seconds. Were they in the playoffs?
A’s – Aaron Cameron’s boys. Well, I feel the best explanation can be that of Executive Decision. Never heard of it? Look it up. On paper, the team looked pretty good but once it was crunch-time, they got bounced early, much like Seagal in the movie.
General Haberdashery
The 411 Hotline was blowin’ up this week with rumors of possible dissention within 3 Tha Hard Way. You don’t need to spend $1.99/minute to be the judge:
Is Fernandez jealous of the fact that the name “Aaron Cameron” spent more time on the 411 Music front page than those “That Mexican guy is pretty smart” banners from the Ad Council?
Not to be outdone, Smilo accuses me of common thievery.
I’m not sure, but Mathan is apparently targeting Mrs. Bootleg for his harem, as she meets a frighteningly high amount of his chick criteria.
E.vocator’s V.iew I.s L.aw. The hot streak continues & I shit y’all not…you will not read a funnier rant on this site than his critical analysis of Wendy’s new chicken strips. Let’s hope he rips on Jared, Subway and that sweet onion chicken teriyaki sammich next week.
Junk Mail
Weird week. A number of first-time readers took the time to drop me a line this past week, so my thanks to y’all for that. Another batch of readers sent in some words of concern on the wildfires and if they’ve affected the Bootleg Clan. Again, me (and the wife) thank y’all for that. However, much like some of our fine writers on the rasslin’ side, I’m all about ignorin’ the positive and dwellin’ on the negative:
You’re probably the worst writer on the entire music section and that’s saying something. Do you think you’re funny? Not. And you’re not even talking about real music most of the time. Your style is so ripped off from actual talented writers.
This guy’s original letter was about five years long, but you get the idea. Did he call me the worst writer in the music section? You should read that guy that does the rap reviews. And did he use not one, but two different played out barbs in the same email? Son, that whole “not” thang died with the careers of Dana Carvey and Tia Carrere in Wayne’s World 2 and the only men who still use “so” as a “cool” adverb are the ones who overhaul the wardrobe of heterosexual males on TV.
Pretend Football
The winning streak ends at five for our heroes. Last week’s decision to bench Tiki Barber came back to bite me in the ass, as I lost to a team that hasn’t made a roster move all season. Hell, one of their receivers and their entire defense had byes last week and they still won. Now I know how the Raiders will feel after their upcoming loss to Detroit this Sunday.
And speaking of predictions…last week, in this very space, our Friday Movie Guy boldly predicted that the Kansas City Chiefs would suffer their first loss at the hands of his Buffalo Bills. 38 points later, KC was still undefeated. In a related story, anyone who’s seen Lawyer Milloy’s game, please return it to him. It hasn’t been seen since the week one game vs. New England.
Coming Soon
Months and months of empty promises have finally come to an end. On Monday, November 3, Countdown to Resurrection begins. It’s the definitive analysis of the impact and influence of Tupac Shakur. A 10-part series that explores his music catalog, the realities and myths surrounding his life and reviews of the highly anticipated documentary and soundtrack that will be released next month.
Life With Mrs. Bootleg
Even though the wife’s potbelly isn’t much bigger than Jim “The Anvil” Neidhart’s (circa 1987), she just can’t seem to get a comfortable night’s sleep. So, she blew a wad of cash on one of those “body pillows”. This thing takes up the length of our Queen-sized bed and the wife straddles it like a really bad stripper workin’ a greasy pole.
So, about 80% of our bed is now taken up by a six-foot long pillow, my gassy pregnant wife and a cat who turns into Plastic Man when he’s asleep and layin’ next to you. The end result is that half my body ends up hanging over the side and I wake up each morning feeling like I had a stroke.
Next weekend is the one-year anniversary of this traumatic marriage. Get at me on AOL or Yahoo IM: ajcameron13
