Leave Your Spandex At The Door 11.1.03

I’ve been missing in action for over a month now, trying to settle in my new town and my new country (Manchester, England!!), still computer-less and struggling with coursework and deadlines.

This is my big column comeback, with yet another promise of a weekly schedule. (does anyone actually still believe me? Ben? Overlord?). Since I’ve been gone for so long, I figure I owe you big-time and decided to deliver with the biggest batch of reviews ever to grace one single web column! (someone call the Guinness people. The records, not the beer).

On with the show!

Hellblazer#189
Mike Carey / Marcelo Frusin. DC, Vertigo [Mature Readers] $2.75
“staring at the wall (part one of five)”
Six lovable eccentrics in a roomful of shit.
That line sums up the issue plot rather nicely. Carey brings elements from all his previous storylines together, as Constantine gathers six mystics (some familiar faces, some brand spanking new) to confront the “shadow dog“, (a magical beast with its roots in Judaeo-Christian cosmology) whose march towards our plane of existence is stirring up all sorts of nastiness (cleverly illustrated through various one-panel vignettes scattered throughout the issue).
Marcelo Frusin’s art is clearly influenced from Frank Miller and Risso, although not as stylised. A sight to behild, although it tends to get ‘gritty/rough’ at some points, as it has in older issues too (most notably halfway through the Red Sepulchre storyline)
Story: 8/10
Art: 8/10
Overall: 8/10

Tom Strong’s Terrific Tales #8
DC, ABC, not approved by the CCA, $ 2.95
Every issue, 3 self-contained 7-page stories… How COOL is that?

1. “Family Strong in: “G-G-Ghosts at the gear-stick!”
Alan Moore / Jason Pearse
Yay! It’s the Tom Strong cartoon hour! The Strong family goes satyrday morning toon, Scooby-Doo style as they are duped into taking part in a haunted go-cart race! Complete with hilarious ad-breaks for such household necessities as ‘I can’t believe it’s not Goloka!’ and ‘Verti-gone’.
Story: 7/10 , Art: 6.5/10 , Overall: 7/10

2. Johnni Future in “The masque of the Moonjacker”
Steve Moore / Arthur Adams
8 pages
6 boob-shot panels
5 ass-shot panels (and that’s not counting all the moons)
Johnni Future goes a-hunting for the man who stole the moon, but things take an unexpected turn. I enjoy Johnni’s adventures because of the mouth-watering art (hubba hubba), but also due to her characterisation as a young lady who can’t help letting her base emotions and urges get in the way of her heroics. Plus, willya look at that outfit!!
Story: 6/10, Art: 10/10, overall: 8/10

3. “Young Tom Strong and the memory pit
Steve Moore / Alan Weiss
Young Tom and Dhalua go trekking into the volcano where Tom grew up, and discover something left behind by Tom’s dad… blah. I usually just skip the last story of this anthology title, and read it if I’m reaaaally bored out of my mind. This instalment is a bit of the same, only a bit better thanks to the inclusion of Dhalua, still about 6 years old, being baby-sat by Tom (and destined to one day be his wife, so that would normally provide some interesting foreshadowing, but alas…). Could someone also explain why the inks vary so much from page to page? Why would anyone want to vary inking styles while inking the same panel?
Story: 2/10, Art: 5/10, Overall: 3/10

Smax #3
Alan Moore / Zander Cannon , DC, ABC, not approved by the CCA, $2.95
“The Grasshopper green burying band”
Alan Moore flexes his funny bone by turning his attentions to the ages-old tradition of questing.
Smax is one of the starring characters from Alan Moore’s sorely missed superhero-cop show mix, Top Ten. In this spin-off series, Smax, with the help of fellow officer Toybox, has returned to his homeworld for a funeral and found himself knee-deep in unfinished business. That means it’s Quest Time! But in a world overrun with fairytale settings, fantastic characters and Tolkien-esque stereotypes, embarking on a quest involves more than just putting on a ring and casting Liv Tyler. Welcome to a world overrun by Quest Bureaucracy!
Alan Moore hits a more ridiculous note in this issue (quest bureaucracy, again, needisaymore?) but, underneath the layers of fantasy satire, there’s still a strong concept guiding this series and a very engaging story.
Zander Cannon was the inker of Top Ten, and this title marks his first professional outing as a penciller (to the best of my knowledge). Although not as refined in his craft as his predecessor, Gene Ha, I’m willing to overlook the occasional lack of character detail (especially in the faces) in favour of his knack for page layouts and the dozens upon dozens of in-jokes he’s injecting every panel with. I’ve now read the issue four times and I’m still discovering new characters in the background (the mockturtle chained on the scales ‘for the crime of mockery’, and Ovelix waiting in line before Tarzan to receive his quest in particular). I’m sure the next I read it I’ll uncover even more easter eggs.
Story: 8.5/10
Art: 7.5/10
Overall: 8/10

Batman #620
Brian Azzarello / Eduardo Risso, DC, (oddly) approved by the CCA, $2.25
“Broken City, part one”
What is that you say? Batman isn’t a mature readers’ title? It’s Code Approved? Ha! Well, I wouldn’t really want my kid (if I had one) reading this issue until it was at least 15. Cannibalism, extreme sexual innuendo, attempted rape… Yeah, tick that ‘all ages’ check box, mr CCA official!
This is the first issue of the new creative team of Azzarello and Risso, and also my first ever issue of this title. Colour me impressed. Azzarello writes a batman close to the model established by Tim Burton in the first two movie flicks. Brooding, with tendency to go on film-noir monologues about his city, darkly sexual and with a perverse sense of humour (that, really, only he gets) .
Beyond the ‘two thumbs up’ characterisation of the Dark Knight, the story doesn’t really offer something engaging; a girl has been brutally murdered (and partially eaten), so Batman is on the case. Not being able to grasp what exactly went on in the last 3 pages didn’t help terribly either. I have an idea of course, but I can’t divulge here without potentially ruining the ending (?) for you. (That said, feel free to email me and tell me what you thought happened in the ending)
Risso is handling pencils and inks here, as usual, and showing us why he is the ideal illustrator for this title (Who Lee?). This man can draw shadows like no other,(some of the most memorable panels containing nothing more but shadowed outlines) and provides the damn-best-looking Batman since Miller’s original efforts. I’d buy this book for the art alone. (You know I really like an artist when I say that, being a story junkie and all). The raw sexuality of his designs though again makes my point that this is no book for children to be reading, and DC had better start acknowledging that on the covers…
Story: 6/10
Art: 9/10
Overall: 7.5/10

Agent-X #51
Gail Simone / Alvin Le4e & UDON , Marvel, PSR+ , $2.99
“Deadpool Walkin’ part 3: A means to an end”
It’s the big-@$$ (as they say in marvel comics) series conclusion as Agent-X, Deadpool (yeah, both of them! go and read the previous issue, slacker!! yeah, I’m talking to you, the big boy with the trekkie uniform! buy buy buy!). now where was I? Oh yeah.Agent-X, Deadpool (did I mention buy buy buy?), Taskmaster, and Crazy In– oops, I meant — No! Outlaw, don’t shoot! Not there! Think of my kids! I know I don’t have now, but I have plans!! ouch!!! …and Outlaw duke it out with le Black Swan, recently embarked on a power mind trip. The issue i
s a BIG beat-em’up extravaganza, with several small character moments, as Gail bids farewell to the first mainstream comics cast she created. What’s wrong with you, Marvel!!! grrrrrrr*
Although I don’t consider this Gail’s best work to date (scroll down the page towards the next review), I will miss these characters terribly, so you’d all bettah start sending in those letters and email demanding an Outlaw series!!!
p.s. Extra cookie points to Gail (choco cookies and feta!!) for making hilarious use of the often castaway (in other titles) recap page and going out with a big “I can’t believe Garth Ennis never thought of that”, laugh-out-so-loud-that-I-drove-spaggeti-out-of-my-nose gag in the very last page. Gail, you can expect my doctor’s bill…
Story: 8.5/10
Art: 3.5/10
Overall: 7/10

Birds of Prey #60
Gail Simone / Ed Benes, DC, CCA Approved, $2.50
“Feeding the game”
This is what I consider Gail Simone at the top of her game. She knows how to write believable and engaging female characters (I begin to sound like a broken record, aren’t I? But a record that speaks the truth dammit!!). I love the current team dynamics and the examination of leader’s guilt as evidenced through Oracle’s frustration over Canary’s recent injuries.
Now… If only the art was up to the same levels of quality. Benes seems more focused on the correct rendering of Huntress’ ass and thyghs, than with establishing an easily distinguishable facial structure for her (something that is quite crucial in this issue, believe you me), or creating appropriate facial features to convey the girls’ emotions (see the last page without reading the dialogue, and try to read Canary’s face, I double dog dare ya!). Can I have your babies Gail?? (if they’re half as talented I could make a good buck!)
p.s. (again) And she kept Savant as a cast member! mwah!!
Story: 9/10
Art: 4/10
Overall: 7.5/10

The Quickies!!

Because there’s only so much space in one column, and so many books to cover, some have to be restrained to a measly paragraph :(

Losers # 6
Andy Diggle / Jock, Vertigo, Mature Readers, $2.95

This is my current guilty pleasure book. I’m not a fan of the action genre, unless it’s really over-the-top and has really engaging characters. S’why I’m a Loser fan! This issue is part 4 in a I-thought-it-would-end-this-issue storyline, finding the Losers in the familiar “give us a damn chopper or we’ll nuke you” scenario. Only thing that bothered me was the diminished screen-time of Jensen. Noone thinks of the fans these days…
Story: 7/10, Art: 7.5/10

Lucifer #43
Mike Carey/ Peter Gross/ Ryan Kelly, Vertigo, Mature Readers, $2.50

Yahweh’s left the building and Lucifer pays a visit to the Archangel Michael in the now deserted throne to resolve matters of inheritance. Meanwhile the overly slapstick duo of Gyges and Garamas romp around in God’s slippers. I can’t wait to see where Carey is going with this!
Story: 8.5/10 , Art: 9.5/10

Avengers #71
Geoff Johns / Steve Sadowski, Marvel, supposedly PSR+, still $2.25

This is the issue that supposedly changed ratings in the last minute because of graphic (that’s an understatement) scenes of Ant-man and the Wasp getting down on each other (literally)! . In my copy of the book there’s no indication of that. Never mind that noone mentioned there’s a naked Hank Pym in half the pages of the book. Must be part of Marvel’s initiative to lure in the elusive female audience. Lots of re-treading old ground, with the Ants playing their little on/off/on game, and Whirlwind crashing their sex-fest in Vegas. And to think he used to whoop the WCA around for kicks. :/
Story: 5/10, Art: 7.5/10

New X-meN # 148
Grant Morrison / Phil Jiminez, Marvel, PSR, $2.25

Another much awaited Beast cover, in an issue with no Beast, but a heavy focus on Jean and Wolvie’s tumultuous, movie-inspired relationship. After 30 issues, Morrison finally writes actual character interaction between those two rascals, and good one, so who am I to complain? Now, if only his Magneto wasn’t such a boooooring and pathetic old man…
Story: 8.5/10, Art: 9/10

Amazing Spiderman #500
J.M.S. / John Romita x2 (Jr + Sr), Marvel, PSR, $3.50

The first truly anniversary issue of spiderman in decade(s)! A final scene that I dare not spoil but sent chills down my spin. An hour of fun for any true Spider-geek! Spiderman is trapped in the timestream and forced to relive his greatest battles and most important events of his life (not to mention the “J.M.S. is plotting ahead 5 years in the future again” scene with Spidey’s last stand). If I had to complain (you know I’m not very inclined to, right?), I’d bitch about J.M.S. supposedly showing Spidey’s greatest tragedies, but leaving out the death of Ben Reilly (who peter considered his brother after the whole clone fiasco) and M.J.’s ‘miscarriage’. The guy lost his unborn baby daughter, but it doesn’t rank as high as Mysterio kicking his butt again? grrrrrrrrrr, Marvel, grrrrrrrrrrrr!!!

Story: 8.5/10 , Art: 9.5/10

X-Statix # 13
Peter Milligan / Mike Allred / J.Bone, Marvel, PSR+, $2.99

The little preincess that couldn’t. Look for my detailed vent on this botched storyline next tuesday in a separate Overlord-sanctioned review. I just wanted to point out that the esteemed mister J. Bone was omitted from the issue credits as the inker!! We love you J.!! And we hate the faux-Diana. boo!!
Story: ??/10, Art: ??/10 (check out next week’s review ;) )

Gotham Central #12
Ed Brubaker & Greg Rucka / Michael Lark, DC, Not CCA approved, $2.50

AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaargh
I’ve run out of space for this column, so I’ll have to to make it up to this little gem in the rough by dedicating an upcoming column to it. In the meantime, don’t question me, just go and buy this issue if you’ve ever been even mildly interested in a cop movie or a law and order episode. Don’t think, BUY! (ok ok, small recap: there’s a sniper loose in Gotham and he’s squatting city officials like flies. Anything more I might say will ruin the experience that is this issue) BUY!!
Story: 9/10, Art: 7/10

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Tune back in 411comics and “Leave Your Spandex @t the Door” on satyrday, hopefully, for a little looksie through the solicitations of the Big Three and the independents for things to look out for and things to avoid like the plague!
As always, I’m waiting for your comments through email…

Manolis Vamvounis
a.k.a. Doc Dooplove