Grut Vs Daniels 11.05.2003


VPJG: Welcome back to an all-new Grutman vs. Daniels as we invade the movie section! Daniels, say hello to all of the nice people you moose petting dick wiggler.

Kaisen316: I would, but I have an inferiority complex and they are better than me

VPJG: You sure do! Hahahahaha! You still read me. That’s sweet.
VPJG: So, here’s something to help your confidence.

Kaisen316: hey the five clicks gotta come from somewhere

VPJG: You won our last debate! Our wrestling debate. Let us not speak of them.

Kaisen316: we have a wrestling section?

VPJG: We did. I left. Now it’s crap. We are moving to movies, and you get to pick our very first topic. How f*cking special you must feel.

Kaisen316: You left? When you posted a column today

VPJG: Well, I’m on my way out… not really… I write about movies now! I’m respectable!

Kaisen316: Since we got Matrix: Revolutions coming out in a week, how about Matrix: Reloaded… Bang or Bust?

VPJG: I’d give anything for you to choose first.
VPJG: Want a cookie? I know my Daniels-Waniels loves his cookies.

Kaisen316: respectable?
Kaisen316: …

VPJG: I love pain medication. I shelled out 20 bucks for the DVD, so bang.
VPJG: Shut up! Movie Internet writers are… slightly less pathetic than Internet Wrestling writers.

Kaisen316: Joshua Grutman: Less pathetic

VPJG: That’s my motto! I don’t understand why everyone hated Reloaded. It wasn’t terrible.

Kaisen316: Well, Reloaded was the right name for it
Kaisen316: we’ll take all the innovative stuff from the first move…. AND DO IT AGAIN

VPJG: It was different than the Matix. Don’t give me that.

Kaisen316: and, just to spice it up, we’ll do our level best to confuse people
Kaisen316: just so it seems like we know where we’re going!
Kaisen316: SOLD!

VPJG: Okay, what confused you?

Kaisen316: Matrix: Reloaded.

VPJG: What parts of it did you not understand?
VPJG: Do you even know why it’s called Reloaded?

Kaisen316: Yes, because it’s the first Matrix put through a reboot.
Kaisen316: Kind of like Nickelback’s Someday is Nickelback’s How You Remind Me with different words

VPJG: It’s because the original Matrix is reloaded time and time again upon the completion of The One’s journey to the Architect.
VPJG: So what else confused you?
VPJG: When Trinity and Neo were in bed? They were having sex, Daniels.
VPJG: This may be foreign to you, but sex is when a man puts a penis in a woman’s vagina.

Kaisen316: or a mangina, in your situation?

VPJG: Seriously, inbred, what else can I explain to you about a movie you obviously weren’t ready to put any serious thought into?

Kaisen316: I put plenty of serious thought into and I came up with one overwhelming conclusion
Kaisen316: it sucked

VPJG: “It’s going to be an action spectacular with things blowing up! Time to leave my brain at home!”

Kaisen316: it was well marketed and made a bunch of sheep (like some other people in this conversation) fall in love with it.
Kaisen316: “ooooh, what’s going to happen, what’s it all mean?”
Kaisen316: screw that.

VPJG: Why am I a sheep? Because I liked the story-telling? I liked the suggestion that even when one becomes self-aware he may not know what is really going on?

Kaisen316: But what story did it tell you? It told you that There’s More to the Story. That was ABC Daytime’s Tagline.
Kaisen316: the movie was designed to set up the next movie… that’s all it was
Kaisen316: Pardon me if I like some resolution for ten dollars.

VPJG: The fight scenes were awesome, mostly. The whole vampire-werewolf vs. Neo fight with all normal guys was pretty weak, but the Smith-Neo fight and the car chase were awesome.

Kaisen316: The chase thing was great.

VPJG: And those ghost things rocked.
VPJG: The Twins.

Kaisen316: Smith fight… LOOOOONG and silly
Kaisen316: That scene could have afforded about three to five minutes of “Exclusive DVD Footage”

VPJG: I’m long and silly. The Smith fight was just awesome.

Kaisen316: It was awesome
Kaisen316: then it got ridiculous
Kaisen316: not randomly inserted massive orgy scene ridiculous, but ridiculous
Kaisen316: I mean, what serious movie would have a randomly inserted massive orgy scene that had nothing to do with anything.
Kaisen316: …. oh wait

VPJG: Why was it ridiculous and how can you say it didn’t have to do with anything?

Kaisen316: by typing it

VPJG: Okay, dickless, but how did that fight which sets up the third movie as well as the death of the keymaker have nothing to do with anything?
VPJG: Smith was just such a fun villain.

Kaisen316: Smith is a great villain
Kaisen316: no argument
Kaisen316: He’s played perfectly and he rules

VPJG: But you don’t like Smiths?

Kaisen316: I loved the first half of the Smith fight… then it just got out of hand. It went too long and got ridiculous. Top it off at about 25 Smiths…

VPJG: Well, I was just talking about the character of Smiths but back to the first fight. Keep up. The whole point of the fight was to show that Smiths could beat Neo.
VPJG: Not one. Not 25. Neo was too strong for that, but 1000 Smiths could overload Neo’s senses.

Kaisen316: so we needed a three day long fight scene to hammer home the fact that 1000-1 odds suck?

VPJG: Come on! When Neo was running and kicking Smiths while spinning on the pole was cool. The Smiths pile on was excellent! The bowling ball noise was perfect!

Kaisen316: Yes, but I’m saying the scene went on for WAAAAY too long.
VPJG: You are so MTV. You need an attention span, spaz.

Kaisen316: Oh, please Mr. I can’t pick a zone… don’t call out MY attention span

VPJG: I just did! I’d like to talk about the perceived “shitty” parts of the movie now and prove why they weren’t so bad.
VPJG: First of all… the rave.
VPJG: I’ll let you go first.

Kaisen316: OK, besides the fact it was totally unnecessary and pointless, it was totally unnecessary and pointless. Why? So we can see a whole lot of people jumping around and dancing… to accomplish what? Show that the people who are awakened like to get it on?

VPJG: 1. They were facing certain death and let go of their fear through celebration of the hope they had for survival. Meanwhile, Neo and Trinity celebrated their love.
VPJG: 2. We saw boobie. Why is everyone attacking the one part with boobie?
VPJG: It wasn’t even ugly boobie. It was hot boobie.
VPJG: Can’t we just be happy to be getting any boobie at all?
VPJG: I mean, I didn’t go to this movie expecting boobie, but there it was!
VPJG: Boobie.
VPJG: It’s like expecting socks on Chanukah and getting… well… boobie.

Kaisen316: because it had nothing to do with anything. YOu wouldn’t take a porno and insert random political musings by Karl Marx. AND the fact we could have seen boobie without it being a full 10 or 15 minutes.
Kaisen316: there wasn’t 10 or 15 minutes of just boobs
Kaisen316: it was SOOOOOOOOOOO long

VPJG: It wasn’t 10 to 15 minutes long!
VPJG: I’m going to time it right now!
VPJG: As I do, you pick a perceived crappy scene.

Kaisen316: We’ve already hit on the two scenes that I hated, but let’s talk about the Architect, shall we? Hey, how about a scene where we take Neo and put him in a room… and then we can have an old guy spout bullshit for a bit!

VPJG: The Architect revealing to Neo that everything he believed was bullshit was somewhat important.

Kaisen316: with no resolution!

VPJG: It was Part 2!
VPJG: There will be resolution!

Kaisen316: Sure there will be…. keep believing that. I’m sure they wouldn’t mislead us all AGAIN

VPJG: Oh yeah. They want to keep us hanging on for part 4, right Daniels?

Kaisen316: why not? I was just reading that they were planning a Scream 4 and Star Wars Episode 7
Kaisen316: It’s still viable
Kaisen316: they’ll do it.
Kaisen316: Because Keanu Reeve’s career certainly isn’t going to be re-lit by this.

VPJG: I really doubt it. I know the stars don’t want anything else to do with it.
VPJG: They got the crap kicked out of them.
VPJG: Okay, you know what? While it’s only about 3 minutes or so from the music beginning to the end of the rave, it does suck.

Kaisen316: Thank you

VPJG: But boobie!

Kaisen316: that’s a bonus

VPJG: It’s just the image of that guy’s hair shooting back and sweat splashing everywhere. That’s just gross for some reason.

VPJG: How about the questions? Is even reality real? Do you choose love over life? Why is Morpheus so less cool than in the last movie? What the hell is Roy Jones Jr. doing here and why was his big fight scene in the video game only?

Kaisen316: I’m going to guess because Roy Jones Jr can’t really act
Kaisen316: but I didn’t see the game
Kaisen316: And he better not think he can beat Lennox Lewis…. because he’s just wrong

VPJG: He can. I bet you didn’t like the part with the French guy in the restaurant.

Kaisen316: Eh, at least that scene had a purpose

VPJG: You didn’t know what was going on, did you?
VPJG: What was the purpose?

Kaisen316: please, enlighten me

VPJG: Well, first of all, he gave a woman an orgasm through a desert and then f*cked her in the bathroom.
VPJG: Second of all, um, cause and effect. He wasn’t giving up the key maker.

Kaisen316: see, you are struggling to justify this movie
Kaisen316: I win

VPJG: It just sets up that guy as a suave motherf*cker who has an awful lot of power which he will not give up easily. Screw off!
VPJG: Bam!
VPJG: You suck!

Kaisen316: I just suck because I won. I always win.
Kaisen316: Look, I’m not saying Reloaded had no redeeming values
Kaisen316: I’m just saying it’s not nearly as good as people think it was… and that it solely existed to rip them off.

VPJG: And here’s your problem: Most people agree with you.

Kaisen316: and that is a problem because?

VPJG: You’re saying it’s not as good as people think it was. People didn’t think much of it.

Kaisen316: you did!
Kaisen316: and since you’re always wrong
Kaisen316: I win

VPJG: I thought it was a fun movie. I understood what it was saying. I look forward to Revolutions… and there’s the test.
VPJG: Do you look forward to Revolutions? I’m not asking you as someone on the “bad” side of this argument. Do you look forward to Revolutions after seeing Reloaded?

Kaisen316: Absolutely… because that was all Reloaded was designed to do
Kaisen316: and that’s why, I think, it wasn’t a good movie.

VPJG: Were you excited at parts?
VPJG: Did you understand what was going on?

Kaisen316: For the most part, yes

VPJG: I think you brought up this topic hoping I’d pick the popular opinion, that the movie sucked. I think you liked it.

Kaisen316: Then I’m an even better debater than I give myself credit for. I argued the opposing side and still owned you

VPJG: It’s a movie that needs a couple of viewings, but once it all comes together, it makes a fine second chapter in the trilogy.
VPJG: Do you want to do final arguments or have we covered it?

Kaisen316: I think we’ve covered it.

VPJG: Great! Final argument time! I’ll go first!

Kaisen316: fair enough

VPJG: Hey, it was your call.
VPJG: Daniels is a woman who didn’t like the movie because his tiny brain couldn’t handle both the awesome fight scenes AND the complicated plot. I think if you sit down and actually pay attention to all of the movie, you’ll get it and be a better movie goer because of it. And Daniels sucks.

Kaisen316: I liked the movie just fine and as second parts go, it was ok. However, it suffered from overextended scenes that were super-repetitive and ultimately did nothing to further the plot. If you cut all the crap out of Reloaded and filled it with original material, like the first one had, it would have been a great film. Unfortunately, it was mediocre. Which is sad, because it had the chance to be so much more.

VPJG: Well, you can send you votes to Daniels. Daniels, who will be editing this and sending it to Ash because I have a root canal tomorrow will tabulate your votes and declare me the winner.

VPJG: Give them your e-mail addy.
VPJG: “Sidekick.”

Kaisen316: Right here
Kaisen316: how appropriate, dealing with you for an hour is comparable to a root canal
Kaisen316: now you can feel my pain.

VPJG: I swear, if I could feel your pain, the humiliation, the embarrassment of being you, I think I’d kill myself in a second.
VPJG: That’s why you’re my hero Daniels.
VPJG: You carry on.
VPJG: Here comes the car chase! I love this part.
VPJG: As always, this is smooth dude Grutman saying Daniels’ favorite movie is From Justin to Kelly!

Kaisen316: And this is Daniels saying: Of course it is.