Movie Junk News, Huzzah! 11.05.03


Sorry about last week. I had a case of the pissies. All clean now.

Ladies, and gentlemen, Gloomchen is coming to my column next week. If you can find your way through her maze, you shall know her. Click now or click when you’re done. You’ll see why I like her so much.

Junk News! Huzzah!

Dwayne Johnson, known to most wrestling fans as The Rock, is expected to star in the comic book movie Namor, the Marvel version of Aquaman. Not sure if it’s just a rumor but something smells fishy. Get it? Aqua

Queen Latifah is set to star in an updated version of Last Holiday, taking over the role originally played by Alec Guiness. The good news doesn’t stop there! Missy Elliot and Ja Rule are slated to star in the remake of Casablanca. Eminem and 50 Cent will be filling in for Zero Mostel and Gene Wilder in a zippy new The Producers. Liam Neeson? Out. Snoop Dogg in for the 2005 version of Schindler’s List. Oddly enough Michael Bolton, Vanilla Ice and Bette Midler are going to star in the remake of Boyz in the Hood. It’s a great time to be alive.

A movie is going to be made about how a loser becomes a super villain. The working title is Captain Widro and his Rubber Bands of Pain.

The new obviously false Star Wars: Episode III rumors are out, the latest being that the movie is at all good.

The Matrix: Revolutions came out today and has already set a new record for having the most people say, “Hey, at least it wasn’t as bad as the second one.” Sorry Scream 3.

Jay Bower is in the hospital. The entire staff of 411 sends our best wishes to him and his brother Ken. All get well letters can be sent to me.

Let this teach us all that donkeys do not like to be anally violated. For shame Jay.

Two movie studios are remaking The Amityville Horror, Disney and MGM. Disney’s version will star Ashanti and Dr. Dre while MGM will counter with Bow Wow and Aretha Franklin.

Ben Affleck and J-Lo, better known in the acting community as J to the L to the O, have picked up the pieces of their shattered careers and are working again. How’d they recover from Gigli? The same way all lousy artists pick up the pieces of their careers lately, by tongue kissing Madonna.

Funny though, Ben Affleck will star in a movie in which a team of all black basketball players are the underdogs to an all white team. Insert semi-racist joke here. Not too racist. We’re just kidding around.

Jamie Kennedy will replace Jim Carrey in The Mask 2. Odd that Kennedy is starring in something with the number 2, as that is the exact number of minutes he has left in his 15.

Scary Movie 3 came in first again. I want to quickly count how many movies I’ve reported on tonight that are sequels or remakes compared to original movies. 4 original movies to 7! And that’s being nice. Who said Hollywood was stuck in a creative rut? Not me!

The new trailer is up for Alien Vs. Predator next.

Disney’s The Alamo has been delayed. So remember the Alamo!!! will not be out this year.

Joe Silver says The Matrix 4 will never be made. So get ready, cause Summer 2006 here comes The Matrix 4. I’m mostly kidding, but someone is at the very least going to remake the first one. They remake everything.

Junk News! Huzzah and stuff!

Carnivale Secrets REVEALED!!!!

Okay. None of you will care about this. Nobody I know watches Carnivale. 5 of you at most will care, and that’s nice I guess.

Carnivale is a show on HBO, kind of a successor to Twin Peaks. Lots of weird stuff. The premise is that a battle between good and evil is taking place. A guy named Ben escapes from a chain gang and heals people by touching them. When he does this, he kills something else. He joins up with a freak show traveling through the Dust Bowl, trying to keep his ability a secret. Meanwhile in California, a minister has decided to leave his wealthy flock and preach to the Okies. He also has the power to well, he has unlimited power and gets really pissed a lot. Anyway, that’s a good jumping off point for those of you who never saw the show. You guys can go to the next section. Go down until you see bold. The rest of you read on.

Okay. Here we go. You want to know the secret to Carnivale, the show being called one of the most original on television? It’s not original. It’s very good, but it’s not original. The War at the End of the World is a book by Mario Vargas Llosa. This is from

“The novel is a work of historical fiction. It tells the tale of an uprising of squatters in the jungles of Brazil at the end of the 19th century. At the time, Brazil was undergoing a political transition. Secular statehood was replacing local lords as the center of power. Economically, the industrial revolution was beginning to rear its ugly head. Entire classes of people were created and, at the same time, others displaced.
The outcasts- which included not only the displaced classes but also the deviants of society- were led by a radical priest who wanted to create an anarchist state with Christ as its sole point of reference. The uprising was brutally repressed by the government.”

Isn’t it odd that a radical priest (Brother Justin) who led a displaced class of people (the Okies) is currently leading the deviants of society in a mental institution? The book has as one of its main characters the dwarf. It all fits in perfectly with the show. Need more proof? Preferably from someone apparently obsessed with the book? Here are the lyrics to a song by Jerry Joseph called “The War at the End of the World” based on the book. I love how long it is because it fills space.

Well from a captain’s cabin
Lady Lebanon
Carnival St. Mary
Get the counselor on the phone
You see there’s been a change of strategy
Everything’s gone wrong
We’re pulling anchors in the morning
We must be moving on
And then they sailed off in the sunset
Some against their will
They sailed into the month of April
Landed in Brazil
She said, “We’ll stay here with the circus
A little time to kill
Welcome to the New World
This is not a drill”

So they camped under the big top
Elephants and snakes
Bearded lady and the lizard boy
Tired of the wait
They could sense the battle looming
See the demons at the gate
They said, “If Christ is really coming
Pray he isn’t late.”
Then Gabriel and Marona
Were holding hands
Jesus couldn’t make it
We’re sure you’ll understand
And he wanted you to know
He appreciates your helping hand
In this world of good and evil
Time for you to make a stand

It was the war at the end of the world
It was the war at the end of the world
They probably were not ready
Had the flags unfurled
The war at the end if the world

They loaded up the cannons
Polished up the swords
And the band played Eddie Hinton
They marched against the hoards
The bearded native said I may die young
At least I won’t be bored
Let us triumph over evil
In service of the Lord
And then they fought with smiles and bravery
Devil had them in retreat
St. Mann swung his battle-ax
Bodies piled up his feet
They could smell the sky was burning
Blood ran waist deep in the street
I hate to tell you lady
This ain’t no way to beat the heat

It was the war at the end of the world
It was the war at the end of the world
They fought it for the children
Little boys and girls
It was the war at the end of the world

Then the dwarf said to the counselor
Hammers all been used
And you better tell our lady
I think we’re gonna lose
They’re not taking any prisoners
They’ll kill us all before they’re through
I must admit the thought of hell
Is giving me the blues
And St. Mann he chimed in
I think I must concur
That the battle’s going badly
And it’s getting worse
And all our holy water
Will never drown this curse
And I’d rather leave here running
Than leave here in a hearse
And then the counselor said to me
I hate to break it you son
But I’ve been watching you for hours
And you’re lousy with a gun
If it is your intention to see the rising sun
St. Mann’s on the money
I think you better run
And as I turned tail
Our lady said, “I ain’t afraid to die
The sun is really sinking
Take it to the skies
And if I go down in gunfire
Can’t say I didn’t try.”
She jumped into the pyre
Tears of victory in her eyes

It was the war at the end of the world
It was the war at the end of the world
I could not believe my eyes
Or anything I heard
In the war at the end of the world

Last time I inquired
War still raging on
Elephants and clowns are dead
And I see the trees are gone
As for our lady and the counselor
I believe they had a son
And if he fulfills the prophecy
The battle will be won
And then on that day of glory
They will line up on the curbs
And then a circus will parade
With the faithful that have served
And Christ winks at our Lady
Says you got a lot of nerve
Now lets put them all to bed
Get the rest that we deserve

It was the war at the end of the world
It was the war at the end of the world
All the destitute and dying
Around and around His word
And the war at the end of the world

It was the war at the end of the world
It was the war at the end of the world
If you’re gonna die for somebody
Well it might as well be the Lord
In the war at the end of the world

The part that gets me, and yeah, this isn’t the song it’s me again, is :

“As for our lady and the counselor
I believe they had a son
And if he fulfills the prophecy
The battle will be won”

What this suggests to me is that Brother Justin, the counselor, is Ben’s father. Our lady, who I’m pretty sure is Sofie’s mother, is Ben’s mother. Ben is there to fulfill the prophecy. That could be so wrong on so many levels, but it’s just an interpretation. The awesome thing about knowing that the plot of Carnivale will follow the plot of the book is that once I read it, I’ll know what the hell is going on! No more guessing! No more not understanding weird stuff! Those unoriginal bastards at HBO just took a book and set it in the dust bowl. Good for them. If you can find out any more about the book or you’ve read it, tell me if I’m right or wrong. I hope I’m right.

Okay, now I’m going to end with something I wrote last year. It was the first time I tried to write for the movie site and was turned down by Ashish. I leave it to you to figure out why.

Drunken Psycho!

Drunken Psycho. My God. This experiment could be incredible, or it could blow up in my face and Ashish could fail to publish it and I will have wasted money and beer. Either way, I’m doing this. If you’re sharing this with me, let me give you a little back story on Psycho.

Psycho scared the living crap out of my mother when she was 12, and bored the hell out of me about 2 or 3 years ago when I saw the remake. One thing Vince and Anne did do was make me curious, so I rented the video. Today I own the DVD. Along with The Birds, Psycho is considered to be Hitchcock’s scariest movie. Now I am going to get drunk and watch it.

The Universal Earth comes up as I have finished half a beer. There is then a mountain.

Tense music blares as horizontal lines come across the screen. Then vertical lines, with the opening credits inter dispersed. This is in black and white by the way.

We open with a shot of the city. I take a shot of Sam Adam’s Octoberfest. A time comes across the screen, showing it to be 2:43 in Phoenix, sometime in December. This is very important, cause a guy goes nuts later.

There is a girl in her bra talking to and kissing some shirtless guy. His name is Sam. Her name is dead bitch. He wants her to keep f*cking him. She wants to go to work. Suddenly, Norman Bates jumps from the closet wearing a little number by Channel. No, I’m sorry. They talk more. BORING! Sam is all upset that he can’t pay off his debts. Dead bitch wants to marry Sam. Oh! Sam is married. Or he has an ex-wife. He has a plane to catch, so dead bitch leaves.

Dead bitch goes into her office. Teddy called. Some cowboy and a guy with a Hitler mustache enter. Or is that a normal mustache? The cowboy wants dead bitch to look at his baby. Cowboy is now named Tom. Tom is paying forty thousand dollars for his baby’s wedding gift, a house. He shows it to dead bitch. Oh. Hitler is her boss, and he has a bottle of alcohol in his desk. Dead bitch takes the money and puts it in her purse. She suddenly wants to go home and go to bed, after putting the money in the bank.

Dead bitch is home, now wearing black underwear, because she’s EVIL! I’m gonna finish this beer as she decides to steal the money. Beer 1 is in my belly, and dead bitch is packing to get out of town. I find this to be pretty foolish, as she’s going to become dead if she does this.

She’s driving now, imagining her conversation with Sam. That’s called internal diagetic sound, you classless morons. Her boss sees her, and they’re all like, “YO!” “YO!” “WASSUP? AREN’T YOU SICK, HOMEY?” “D’OH!”

A cop knocks on her window when she stops driving because she’s in a hurry. Still pretty boring. The cop mentions hotels. I open another beer. The cop’s face is like 95% sunglasses. The cop asks to see her license. A bird suddenly smashes through her window shield, killing itself. She’s driving away, but that cop is following her.

You know what’s awesome about this movie the first time you see it, if you have no idea what it’s about? You think she’s the Psycho in the title. Then you think it might be the cop who’s following her. Then you think it’s you who is the psycho, but then you realize you’re wrong. It’s the Psycho who dresses like his mom. Let’s shotgun this beer.

She trades in her car as the cop watches her. This guy who’s playing the salesman is excellent. He could sale ice to Eskimos, or a car to as girl who is not going to be alive for move then two days. She needs to use the ladies room, all but guaranteeing a shot of her pissing. Hitchcock was a sick piece of shit. Instead, she takes out seven hundred dollars to pay the salesman. She then pays the salesman. The cop that was watching her crosses the street. She leaves. WOW! WHAT EXCITEMENT!

Okay, now dead bitch is imagining the conversation the cop and the salesman are having. Then she imagines the conversation her fellow employee and her boss are having. Then her boss and her sister. Then her boss and the cowboy. Man. You need to see the look on dead bitch’s face. It’s the perfect mix of self satisfaction and fear. Here comes the rain, cutting across the window shield. How ironic. Dead bitch needs to pull over for the night. HEY! Dead bitch! There’s a sign over there! What does it say?

Bates Motel. Vacancy. It was probably full, but Norman Bates killed a couple of people that night and dumped them in the swamp.

The first time you see Norman, he’s holding an umbrella. What happened to Perkin’s career sucks shit. The way he selects the key for which cabin she should sleep in is brilliant.

Really, Norman Bates is such a f*cking geek while he’s hitting on dead bitch. Dead bitch is unpacking. Tangent time.

This is why Hitchcock is so incredible. I know it’s not really Hitchcock, it’s more the screenwriters, but the films he does is incredible. We have there’s mother. I sure hope Norman shuts her the hell up! We have gotten involved in this story about a woman who steals 40 thousand dollars from some guy, and now she’s on the run, and she seems like she might go nuts at any seconds. She’s dead bitch. Dead bitch will be dead soon. Third beer killed. Moving on.

Norman comes down with a pitcher of milk and sandwiches. Norman invites dead bitch to his parlor, filled with stuffed birds. He tells dead bitch that she eats like a bird. I guess he wants to stuff her. Man. This guy is such a nerd. The ending of this movie must have surprised the hell out of everyone. Just in case you’ve never seen Psycho, at the end Norman admits that he is an alien, and he has to go back to his planet to defeat the people who killed his mother. Or is that the new Superman script?

“A boy’s best friend is his mother.” Hyatte, where the f*ck was that line in your greatest movie quotes. Screw, “We all go a little mad sometimes.” Dead bitch doesn’t think Norman’s mom should scream at him like she was. Norman kind of agrees. THE SHIRT IS OFF! That’s mine, I mean. Jeez. Every time that camera is on Norman, a giant stuffed owl is in view. The light is focused on it. Creepy. Norman ain’t sending his mom to a madhouse. He loves her! Norman makes it clear that he’s been in a nuthouse before. How the f*ck did Perkins not get an Oscar? This is some kind of injustice. I might be drunk, but this is one of the greatest performances I’ve ever seen. Don’t worry, I’ll say the same thing about John Travolta in Battlefield Earth if I do that one.

Dead bitch is now uncomfortable. She’d like to leave. Hey! Dead bitch’s name is Crane. The convo is over, and so is beer 4.

THERE’S A HOLE IN THE WALL! Norman is sick. This kind of explains him being an alien. Norman is going back to the house, probably to masturbate. Gus Van Sant didn’t leave that to our imagination.

Dead bitch is doing math. Silly dead bitch. Math is for the living!

She pisses. According to some, the first toilet ever in a movie. Aw. Dead bitch is getting clean in the shower. That’s nice. The door opened. Oh. Oh no. This isn’t good. THIS ISN’T GOOD AT ALL! Just a note. Watch for a shot of her eye after a shot of the plug drain. It’s SICK! So much for the story of dead bitch and her money.

Norman is screaming at mother, asking her why. Now Norman has to clean all this up and dump it in the swamp. While he does this, let’s have us a smoke.

Okay. I’m back, about to embark on another beer. Norman is still cleaning, about to dump the body in the river. This is such a one minute montage scene that’s taking 8 minutes or so. The newspaper with the money is still there. Nope. He grabbed it and put it in the trunk of the car. You think if he found the money, he would’ve gone back to his home planet? I think he would have gone to Vegas, bitch! The car goes into the swamp. Norman does a happy monkey dance with the Ewoks. I love how Norman can’t help but smile as the car goes into the swamp.

Hey! There’s Sam and dead bitch’s sister! And an investigator! This is going to go well for the investigator. I have a feeling he’s going to crack the case, then die. I need to lose weight. I’m not fat fat, but I’m fat. I definitely don’t look like one of the Bower twins, those pedophiles! I’m kidding! Hey, you guys are all right.

The investigator is going from hotel to hotel, looking for 40 thousand somalians. There’s Norman. Good job, private dick. I must pee. His name is Abergas or something. There is this part with Norman chewing food while looking at the book as the investigator looks at the book. He looks like a bird. Hitchcock was a genius! A big, fat genius! Kind of like me. Nah. I’m not Hitchcock fat. Arbergas. People just come and go.

There’s someone sitting in the window. It’s his mother. But he told the detective that no one was home? AWESOME LINE! “She might have fooled me. But she didn’t fool my mother.” AWESOME!

PI dead asshole has to make a phone call. Last will and testies, dead asshole. No, he wants to talk to Lila, dead bitch’s sister. He’ll be back tomorrow. Now he’s going to break into the house and talk to the mother. Brilliant. This is why people die. OW! I don’t care if you’re drunk or not. No pulling off nipple hairs. Those must be shaved off. Pubic hair, however, can be ripped out in clumps.

PIDA went back to the hotel. No Norman in the office. Hey, let’s go to the house! I bet Norman is there! Why don’t you check up the stairs? That’s it that’s it. HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA! YOU’RE DEAD! Man, Norman’s mom is a bitch.

Now Sam and Lila are going to go to the hotel. What a plan! Actually, these two survive. For such a psycho, Norman the alien kills two people in this movie. Sam and Lila go to see the Sheriff when Sam can’t find Abnergrass after Norman puts him in the sock. I only have to clean up my mother‘s vomit/bile. Norman has to clean up his mother’s killings. I’m lucky. You know what would be awesome? If the two guys from Shocker ran across the screen right now. E-mail me if you understand that. We’ll be new best friends forever. The Sheriff calls Norman. Uh oh. The sheriff reveals that Norman’s mom is dead. I have beer on my stomach. Life is unkind. My stomach is sweaty.

Norman talks with his mom off screen before carrying her down the stairs. It really makes you drink. The six pac is done. After this beer. BORING! People are taliking now. No one is killing anyone or talking about killing anyone. This is just lousy. Not Lila and Sam decide to go to the hotel. I have the bottle oppener in my mouth and beer on my stomach. I’m an easy and lousy drunk .

Sam and Lila are talking to Norman. Why don’t I just fake being drunk? That wou;d be much easier. I have school tomorrow. My Hitchcock class. I got beer in my eye and on the keyboard. Lila and Sam think Norman stole the money. Norm,an is an alien. I’m deleting things for your enjoyment. Now I just want the movie to end. Remind me to select a shorter movie for next time.

Sams gonna distract Norman while Lila sneaks into the house to talk to the mother. Isn’;t she going to be surprised when the alien spaceships show up.

Lila looks around the house. Nope,. No dildos. Hey! A dead body! And a guy wearing a dress! Now that Lia has completed her list, she just has to get back to the starting point and she wins the scavenger hunt! There’s a lot of important imagery here, but I’m too drunk. I’m sure you bitch to me in your hate mail about what I missed. Fuck off, wankers.

So, in the end, Norman was crazy. Sam was stupid. Dead bitch was dead. Dead asshole was dead. And the fly lives. GOD BLESS THE FLY! GOD BLESS AMERICA!


Ah, to be young and drunk. See you tomorrow in wrestling .