Junk News, Huzzah! 11.06.03


Okay, I’m back. Why am I back? I have a point to prove to Widro. I have a point to prove to Hyatte. I have a point to prove to Eric and Flea and Scott and to all of you. That point is, anyone can write this column who has an education and a sense of humor.

You want the coveted Thursday slot at 411mania? I was getting ready to pass it to Haley, but it hit me he shouldn’t do it. He writes a really popular and short column. There is no reason for him to up his work load. Tangent there, sorry. Anyway, you want the Thursday slot? Fine. Read the below news bits that I’m about to make up.

1. Chris Jericho has been accused of embezzling funds from the WWE. He is reported to have stolen somewhere in the area of 2.8 million dollars. While charges have yet to be pressed, Jericho has disappeared from the hotel the WWE superstars were staying at in Tampa.

2. Kamala passed away today at the age of 53. No details are available yet. The thoughts of 411 are with Kamala’s family.

3. Ric Flair has filed for divorce from his wife of 25 years when he discovered that David Flair is not actually his son. Details are sketchy, but there are reports that Jim Ross and Triple H had to talk Ric Flair down from a drunken suicide attempt. Despite all of this drama, Ric has yet to miss a house show or television appearance.

Take these three stories and write three jokes, an opinion piece, whatever, I don’t care. What I do care is that you write something and it’s good. If you want my spot, you gotta make a lot of people enjoy you starting with me.

Again, the Thursday news spot is the prize here. I think I might hang out in Hyatte’s column every now and then, but this slot is open. Come play.

Ladies, and gentlemen, Gloomchen is coming to my movie column next week. If you can find your way through her maze, you shall know her. Click now or click when you’re done. You’ll see why I like her so much.


I’m telling you, anyone can do this column. Even Widro does a wrestling column. Did you know that Jonathan Widro is an Anagram for Jihad Ran On Two? What is this terrorist web master hiding? What happens at two? WHERE IS JIHAD RUNNING? WHAT IS HAPPENING?

Take this Rolling Stone! 411 is doing their own top 100 guitar players of all time? Number 1? The vastly underrated John Stamos. “If every word I said could make you laugh I’d talk forever.” By the way Evocator Manes, your pen name is stupid. I mean truly stupid. I wish I could beat some taste into you but I can’t cause I don’t know you. Evocator. What an asshole.

Speaking of assholes, resident funny man Jack Daniels’ TNA report is up. His fantasy baseball team is doing well for those who were concerned about that over the weekend. I HAVE THE RIGHT TO TALK ABOUT MY PERSONAL LIFE, JACK! I BUILT UP AN AUDIENCE! You’ve done nothing for anyone and you think people are going to tolerate reading about your petty bullshit? Screw you!

Hey, CRZ. BITE ME! You whiny man-woman! I swear to God, if could somehow transfer myself into bits and pixels and transfer myself through the Internet, I’d make my way to Hippieville, CA and beat some sense into you.

Sometimes I dream about killing Tom Daniels, but I’m pretty sure he’ll kill himself before I get there. How does he live with the shame of being him?

I don’t know who Rick Scaia thinks he is, but he’s obviously some kind of parasite.

A while ago, Scott Keith did a review of OVW. In this review, he praised the holy hell out of Rico. In his rant this week Scott asks, “God, haven’t they given up on Rico yet?” No Scott, they haven’t given up on this world class athlete and unless I’m mistaken former fire fighting hero. How many people have you saved, Scott? And I’m not just talking about the people you haven’t sat on! Poor Rico. Why is Scott so cruel?


Lex Luger is coming back to TNA:NWA next week, so look out ladies! Seriously, look out. You don’t want to wind up like his last girlfriend.

You can now buy a cell phone that will play your favorite WWE superstar’s entrance music as the ring tone! Sadly, if you’re buying a phone to hear you favorite WWE superstar’s entrance music as the ring tone, it’s kind of pointless since no one will ever call you.

The WWE is putting out a 3 disc DVD set about Ric Flair. The working title is Gold, Jets, Limos and Man Breasts: Ric Flair and the Debt He Owes Triple H. Again, that is just the working title and should work in more of a Triple H reference before it is finalized.

On NWA:TNA, X won the X-Division battle royal. I know, I pissed my pants when I found out too.

Hogan is still sending his lackeys to NWA to take care of Jeff Jarrett. Last week it was Jim Duggan and Rick Steiner. This week is was Sting. Next week Horace Hogan. The week after that, Vincent/Virgil. The week after that, I don’t know, who’s still alive? No, that guy is dead. Mr. T maybe?

Raw did a 3.4 rating this week. Evolution rules! Goldberg rules! 3.4! Backwards, that’s a 4.3! That’s somewhat better! YEAH!

Bruce Pritchard had to have throat surgery caused by years of doing the Brother Love voice. It’s kind of like how Albert had to have his stomach pumped due to years of sucking.

Chris Benoit swears that he grew an inch after stretching really, really hard.

Shawn Michaels swears that Hawk was saved, turning his soul over to Christ, before Hawk passed away. Great. So the guy who is absolutely positive that Hawk is in Heaven with Christ committed an act of homosexuality on national television. I’m convinced!

I really believe the biggest story this week is that guy who got arrested for selling steroids in Tampa. On his list of customers were several prominent professional wrestlers. While the police did not give out a list of names, I am going to irresponsibly and falsely name a few of the wrestlers now. Hardcore Holly. Maven. The Big Show. Rey Mysterio Jr. THAT’S RIGHT, Rey Mysterio Jr. The new bulkier Chris Jericho. Eddie Guerrororo. Randy Orton. Former WWE superstar Bastion Bugger. Bill Goldberg. And worst of all, metrosexual Hurricane Helms.

That’s right, steroid user Hurricane Helms is metrosexual. Just thought I’d repeat that.

Spanky, Paul London and Billy Kidman were told to slow it down at a recent house show and remember that less is more. The chokeslam was taken away from the Hurricane by the WWE for the same reason it worked so well, that fans were surprised to see a little man performing the move. Despite it being part of his appeal, the WWE wants Rikishi to not be so fat. Basically, the WWE would like there to be 3 molds: a small slow wrestler in good shape, a big slow muscle bloated wrestler in good shape, and giant slow wrestlers, preferably in good shape but they can be fat. They want people to be indistinguishable from one another. The new WWE: COMMUNISM!

The WWE really, really wants to sign all of the Agent Smiths and have them replace the roster.

Time to ruin Smackdown.

Cena fights Rey for the 18th time and wins! Then Heyman wants Cena on his team for the PPV. Cena politely says no and gets a beating for his trouble. Then Cena runs away screaming.

Eddie and Chavo continue their real life based soap opera bullshit. This week Chavo talks about the time his Uncle Eddie walked in on Chavo’s bath. The water was so cold, and then his uncle offered to warm Chavo up. Then well, I don’t want to spoil all the surprises.

Big Show fights Bradshaw and kicks his ass. Does Big Show ever lose? Well, besides then. And then. And yeah, okay, he lost that time. SHUT UP!

Paul Heyman tells Torrie she has three minutes to get something done. Rosey and Jamaal then jump into the shot and beat the crap out of Torrie as Paul just closes his eyes and shakes his head.

A badly beaten Torrie informs Kurt that he and Benoit must fight Team Lesnar in the main event. Even worse, Farooq can’t compete at Survivor Series. That means that not one black wrestler will be in the PPV from Smackdown. Someone contact Jesse Jackson! I smell protest! I love protests.

Eddie beats both Bashams by cheating ON HIS WIFE!

All the minorities bounce around in a cruiserweight tag match. Two Asians, an Italian and a southerner. I guess the southerner is a member of the majority, huh? Not up here in Long Island! We’re all Jewish and educated. Take that the rest of America! Take your hatred for homosexuals and blacks and strong belief in Christ! We North Easterners aren’t arrogant, we’re better than you!

The main event smozz actually features a guy named Morgan. I have no clue who Morgan is. Should I know who Morgan is? And is Nathan Jones a member of Team Angle? When the hell did he come back? Man, I don’t know if I’m wrong because I didn’t watch for a few weeks and don’t know my material or if I’m right for not watching for a few weeks. Hey! Wait a second! I don’t care!

Anyway, send in you columns. We’ll have a nice vote. And check out my stuff in the movie section. Later.