Wrestling News, Opinions, Etc. 11.12.03

Archive

We did not choose to be the superior race.  Fate handed us that role. – Gul Dukat

Yes, I’ve pirated DVD rips of season 6 of DS9 successfully and am working my way through them as we speak.  Only one more to go, and it’s worth the thirteen blank CDs it takes.  They do help me unwind after a hard day of trying to rescue this joint from its own worst impulses.  It’s great to be a megalomaniac with lots of power for a change.  Now if they’d only pay me what I was worth, all would be good.

Of course, I’m used to not being paid what I’m worth.  WidShish haven’t forked out a check for two plus years of loyal service yet, but I forgive them, because I’m a benevolent god.

Enough of giving myself a hand job.  Let’s get on to the info…

OTHER THAN SCREWING KIDS OUT OF THEIR MONEY, WWE HAS NEVER DONE PEDOPHILIA

Just answering a question from the Pride of Dartmouth his own self, Elliot Olshansky.  It just made an interesting section header, that’s all.  And as for the Pride of Oregon, obviously that would be the criminal lawyer for the Portland Trail Blazers, who earns his retainer every day.

THE MOLLY HOLLY TITLE MEMORIAL POLL

Seems that BFM and I have a difference of opinion.  A couple of weeks ago, when Molly gussied up in leather and make-up for her observational task, I compared her to early-80s Pat Benatar.  BFM, though, has decided to go in a different direction:  Stockard Channing as Rizzo in Grease.  Okay, both are pretty hot, but I’m still siding with Benatar.  What do all of you think?  Benatar or Channing as Rizzo?  Let’s get those votes in on this very important issue.

SMACKDOWN SOMEWHAT SPOILED

Kurt Angle faces Nathan Jones.  Albert faces Bradshaw.  Run away.  As quickly as possible.

Nice to know the old “fake cop” angle is still in play.  Too bad it’s used with Eddy.

Vince goes batshit on a priest…dear God, I can’t continue with this one.  This is too goddamn sad to contemplate.

CHARLIE OWENS DESERVES HIS OWN SURVIVOR SERIES PREVIEW, SO HE GETS IT

Take it away, Charlie…

My favorite PPV, the day before my birthday, I should be a LOT more pumped than I am.

What we got:
RVD, Booker, Duds & HBK
v.
Jericho, Christian, Steiner, Henry & Orton

Eh. 2 really bad wrestlers in the match, both on the heel side, so it won’t suck. Austin going back to beating the shit out of people at will will keep the fans happy. The problem is, I don’t care about anyone here. At least the Smackdown SurSer match has feuds. There aren’t any issues in this match.  Although I do give a damn about Booker’s “I Still Remember” note. Stevie Ray, maybe?


There are a lot of great possibilities behind that.  Stevie Ray, a defecting Benoit, Christian, Jericho, Goldust…but they’re gonna screw the pooch on it.

Angle, Benoit, Holly, Bradshaw & Cena
v.
Lesnar, A-Train, Big Show, Nate Jones & Matt Morgan

OY. First of all, are we as fans supposed to believe that Bob Holly poses some sort of threat to Lesnar? BOB HOLLY? “SPARKY” PLUGG? Come on, make an attempt. And I hope Jim Cornette worked some sort of miracle with Nate Jones, cause it’d be unfortunate if he injured someone Sunday. (Unless it’s Holly, then it wouldn’t be that unfortunate.) Morgan I haven’t seen enough of to say anything one way or another. And again, at least there’s feuds here. And we can’t say for sure who’s winning.


The problem here is that there’s really nothing at stake.  It’s a biding-time issue while they try to figure out something to do with the WWE Title that they haven’t done before (here’s an idea:  PUT IT ON BENOIT!).

Taker v. Vince, Buried Alive

What is with Vince’s big run of matches here? He’s not thinking of putting the title on himself again, is he? And Buried Alive? The only match aside from Inferno matches that’s pretty much guaranteed to suck?


Unless Foley’s involved, of course.  But this is gonna suck hard.  We’re just going to be sitting there waiting to see exactly where the interference is going to come from and how Vince is going to go over.  Anyone want to put money on someone other than a turned Steph?  Thought not.

Goldberg v. Hunter

One guy who is crippled, one guy pretending to be. I’m praying they’re turning Orton here, otherwise they’re going to alienate every fan once and for all if they put the title back on Hunter. Let’s all draw a line in the sand: If Hunter gets the belt back, we, as a fanbase, stop watching Raw. They have to get the message eventually.


In the words of Hollywood wits when David Selznick went to work for Louis B. Mayer, “The Son-In-Law Also Rises”.  I’ve given up hope on that front.  A scorched earth policy seems to be the only way to go.

Lita v. Molly

Line of the night Monday, from Coach: “Weighing in at a total combined weight of 310 pounds…..”  That was just mean. I mean, Terri’s rack alone is close to that, but still…… Anyway, Thou Shalt Not Job In Thine Big Comeback Match, so Lita gets the belt.


Unfortunately, agreed.

Shane v. Kane

All this “loser gets hospitalized”-“How will it end and at what price” stuff has got me thinking: Maybe this Ambulance Match won’t be just a Casket Match with a vehicle instead of a coffin. Maybe they’re going to change the rules a little. I’ve always wanted to see a “Ref’s Discretion” match, where the match goes on until the ref decides one guy can’t go on. It sounds to me like that’s the direction they’re going. One other thing: How come Shane gets to sit down and eat, but Kane didn’t get to order anything?  That ain’t right.


Maybe Kane doesn’t like Chinese and he accepted the invite out of a sense of graciousness.

Tajiri v. “The Redneck Messiah” Jamie “BY GOD~” Noble

Finally, a nice, simple “you blinded my girl, now I’MA BEAT YOUR JAP ASS, BITCH!” angle. I’ve even got an ending: The ref boots the notYakuza from ringside early on. Later in the match, Nidia comes down to ringside, dark glasses, cane, maybe even an attendant guiding her to ringside. She takes a chair. Ref gets bumped, Tajiri drops Jamie, goes outside to taunt Nidia, then turns his back……..and she drops him with the cane. Tazz: “SHE’S HEALED! SHE CAN SEE! IT’S A MIRACLE!” Jamie hits Paydirt, is declared the winner, but doesn’t let the hold go. Nidia slides in, repeatedly nails Tajiri with the cane, ref reverses the decision, out comes Tajiri’s backup, N&N take off. Jamie gets his revenge, Tajiri keeps his belt. Simple. And Match of the Night.


Of course, now that it’s seen print in this column, blah blah blah.

Two matches I give a damn about. Two. This can’t be good.

It takes fifty thousand volts stuck up my ass for a WWE PPV to get any attention from me nowadays.  Wrestlemania can’t even do it anymore…well, they can do it this year by including some interbrand matches (Cena/Booker, barring turns, anyone?).  But I can’t get excited about it either.  I’ll still do my Round Table duty, but it’s joyless, let me assure you.

SOME SALIENT COMMENTS VIZ. SURVIVOR SERIES FROM BISCUITI, MATT ISOMER

I’m an equal opportunity donater of space, so go for it, Matt…

Well, if you go with the “whoever stands tall the show before the pay per view will LOSE AT the pay per view” theory, things aren’t looking good for the RAW faces going into Survivor Series~!  

Team Austin definitely got the upper hand tonight.  RVD keeps his belt vs. Christian.  Booker beats Jericho.  The Dudleyz get the win over Steiner & Henry by DQ.  Shawn Michaels got his win back (although with help from a chair) from Randy Orton.  And guest ring announcer Jonathan Coachman, Team Bischoff’s #1 sympathizer, was on the wrong end of the babyface beat-down that left the crowd happy as Michaels placed Coach’s NY Yankees hat over his face.


I am seriously hoping that they have the balls to have Team Bisch go over.  Austin’s been contributing nothing to the show, and, frankly, I don’t think he’d be as missed as the marks think he’d be.  I don’t see it happening, though, because Austin rides the Short Bus.

What about Goldberg vs. HHH?  Well, for a minute I was thinking that between Goldy’s “shattered” ankle, and HHH’s interference in the Goldberg/Batista match, RAW would end with Big Bill writhing in pain on the mat, and — using the above theory — he’d have a good shot at retaining his World Title at SurSer.  But, alas, Goldberg had to one-up Evolution to close the show, and that may mean that HHH will be back from Hollywood long enough to get his gold back.  Man, I hope I’m wrong.

So are we all.  Unfortunately, we’re right.

About the only face that didn’t win tonight was Lita, who got degraded by HHH and then Bischoff, and then got her ass handed to her by Molly in the tag match.  Which probably means Lita wins her match and the championship at the PPV — something I wouldn’t do yet, just ’cause Molly’s really becoming a great, interesting champ again.

But Lita’s the popular face making the inspirational comeback, and Molly doesn’t even possess “diva” status, so we know which way that’s gonna go.

And Shane definitely got the best of Kane — or at least the last word — after “dinner”.  What an odd set of segments, after all of the fires and carwrecks, to cap off this feud, eh?  A couple of things I really liked were Shane mentioning that whoever loses “is never coming back”, as well as the brief mention of Kane’s “brother” (obviously, Undertaker, who ironically enough is in a match with Shane’s dad at the same PPV…  coincidence?  Hmmm….).  Hopefully, Kane goes over STRONG at this match, and the Big Red Machine can go on to face, say…  Goldberg(?) for the title at Armageddon.

I’m going to discuss in the Round Table exactly why Kane shouldn’t go over strong.  The match has to be a close one, and unusually, it’s for Kane’s benefit.

And now on to the shorter material that landed up in the in box…

MAILBAG!

There’s no argument over the God Slot this week.  It’s Big Daddy; he gets it.  Period.

Holy shit!!  I forgot how much fun reading your takes on the inbreeding of Monarchal Europe is. You did this once before a few years back, and I got the same thought now as I did then: why doesn’t he chuck this whole meat-industry biz that irritates him so, and just go get an adjunct professorship somewhere sunny and warm and write a doctorate piece on Post-Renaissance Monarchy and its Effect on Modern Politics? Doesn’t being more Donald Sutherland in Animal House beat the hell out of the present work environment, ala Charleton Heston in Soylent Green?

It all depends on the situation.  If I’m intellectually engaged, which I am on this job, and if I’m the one in charge, which I am on this job, it makes it a lot more fun, especially when I can cause severe blows to puffed-up egos (unfortunately, the bitch veterinarian will still be away for another week and a half…wait until she sees what I’ve cooked up since she’s been gone).  So I don’t have to go around yelling “Smart Chicken ™ is made of people!”  Yet.

And just so this ties back to wrestling in some shape and form, I figured out why it was so damn windy here in Columbus last evening: apparently, all that wind Sump Pump and Predator were sucking during their match in Boston last night made a vacuum and the air here rushed over to fill it. When, pray tell, did it seem like a good idea to pair two guys with minimal endurance together? Seriously, a six-minute match involving one tag team that has two minutes of stamina combined?  Like they say in that Budweiser commercial, not so good.

Agreed, totally.  The two SurSer-style matches on Sunday are going to feature more carrying of useless objects than my last move.  My vision won’t be focused on the wrestling, though; it’s going to be locked in on how they’re going to f*ck the booking up.  They will, and we all know it.

Memo to Regular Andrew Ormberg:  The difficulty setting on Links 2003 is in the player creation screen.  Go to Options -> Players, click on your player, and check his skill level; it’s the first drop-down menu on the right-hand side of the screen.  You almost certainly have that set on Amateur.  Try playing on Pro or Champ and you can see the difference.  Also, Career Mode is severely f*cked up in the game, and Mickeysoft ain’t gonna do anything to correct it until Links 2005 comes out for the PC.

Memo to Regular Joshua Crawley:  Yeah, Eisner came across as a total imbecile on the Lion King Special Edition DVD, didn’t he?  But never underestimate Andre the Giant, buddy.  I’ve made my case for him being an evil genius over at Fleabag’s, and my opinion hasn’t changed.  It will if they’re stupid enough to close the traditional animation department after Home on the Range, though.

Tom Valentino, among others, asks a valid question:

Call me crazy, but did you completely ignore/skip past the Goldberg/Batista match/segment at the end of Raw in your Short Form?  Booker vs. Jericho wasn’t the main event, the Goldberg match (and I use the term “match” loosely in this case) was final segment of the show.

Did you have any thoughts on that match or did you make your statement by ignoring it in your short-form recap?


I ignored it for one reason:  I fell asleep.  Since it was Goldie/Batista, I presumed that I didn’t miss much, so I just blew it off instead of covering for myself.  Really, who cares?  Trip gets the job back on Sunday, we all know it, so anything that happened on Raw is wasted build-up.

Loadsa disco on the subject of history since I brought up the whole World War I thing yesterday.  Kurc Martell asks, “Given your
obviously extensive knowledge of history, what books on the subject would you recommend (and while we’re at it, any good books on the history of American foreign policy)?”  I don’t have any real feeling toward the history of American foreign policy, so I won’t make any recommendations in that area.  However, the remainder depends on what era you’re looking for.  Anything by Barbara Tuchman, especially “A Distant Mirror”, is a terrific read.  I highly recommend the late Dmitri Volkogonov’s biographies of Lenin, Stalin, and Trotsky, which will give anyone a great understanding of what the Soviet Union was all about, from a Russian perspective.  Staying with Russia, Edvard Radzinsky’s biographies of Nicholas II and Rasputin correct a lot of things about two very misunderstood men.  Mike Ashley’s “The Mammoth Book of British Kings and Queens” is a graduate-level course on how the United Kingdom came to be and the personalities behind it (it probably has the fairest assessment of Macbeth ever written).  And there are two books you have to read but probably don’t want to:  “The Communist Manifesto” and “Mein Kampf”.

Memo to Regular Timothy Byrne:  We all know how much Gallipoli meant to Australians.  However, Mel Gibson starred in the movie adaptation, so I can’t recommend it, either as entertainment or a great example of asinine military strategy.

Memo to Marc LoGrasso:  I’ve pimped the Monarchies of Europe website a number of times in the column.  It’s indispensible.  I even consulted it while writing yesterday’s column to make sure I got certain relations right.

Mistah Chisholm decides to contribute:

Hey, is it wrong I used the CAW function of my “Wrestlemania XIX” game to make a “Jesus Christ” character and that I keep his “ability” stats real low so that I can have my “cyborg/Japanese schoolgirl” character pummel him endlessly?  Also, no matter how hard I try, “Jesus” comes out looking like Terry Funk. Is Terry Funk the Son of God?  Another fun thing to do with your “schoolgirl” character is have her chokeslam the Big Show.  The voices in my head keep singing the “Element Song” by Tom Lehrer. Look! A huge distracting thing!

I wouldn’t know; I don’t do consoles.  But I will mention this:  leave writing while zonked on pills to the professionals, please.

To close, Brad McCann asks an interesting question that has to do with wrestling, something rare in the mailbag today:

heres one for you….as i was watching RAW last night, Booker T came out and a friend says that he is the only one who has kept his music from WCW.  I know thats not true…cause theres Flair who is exactly the same and goldust and sump pump have variations of their old music.  so my question is…who had music from the other feds (WCW, ECW, etc) who still has it today in WWE?

Presumably you mean Goldberg and not Goldust, since Dustin was never Goldust in WCW.  Flair’s music is public domain (Strauss’ Also Sprach Zarathustra), so he could use it anywhere he went.  Booker’s music was stock library music, not a tune constructed for him.  This was the case with many WCW performers.  Very few had entrance music specifically made for them, unlike WWF/E performers.  ECW forked out the cash for rights to “real” songs, which WWE is loath to do unless they’re cutting a deal for “the official song of the PPV” (they got a real deal on “All The Things She Said” for Victoria, since it was her theme long before the song went #1 around the world, and they commissioned Trip’s Motorhead excursions).  A lot of ECW performers have suffered in WWE due to that particular disconnection, especially Van Dam.  But to answer the question, nobody but Booker as far as I know, and his music, as I said, is a generic stock piece that Booker’s been using for so long that we identify it with him.

That’s it for me here.  If we have a Round Table, I’ll be back for that.  I’ll see if I can scrounge up something for Fleabag, hopefully without a celebrity dying this week to do so.  And I’ll return next week for post-SurSer fun and games.  So until then, enjoy.