Movie Junk News, Huzzah! 11.12.03


Okay, time for this crud again. Let us begin.

Junk News! Huzzah!

Art Carney, television legend and an Oscar winner for Harry and Tonto has passed away at the age of 85. The thoughts of 411 are with who am I kidding? Most of you don’t even know who Art Carney was. Some of you do, and now that you’ve seen the news reports I’m sure most of you are aware, but most of you don’t care. That’s cool. I’m with ya. I guess I’m really upset he died without seeing the Paris Hilton sex tape unless that’s what killed him

Speaking of the sex tape, it is out there and I have seen it! Paris Hilton, who appears in the upcoming children’s film The Cat in the Hat, is the star of a brand new Internet sex tape. She’s really hot but the damn thing was filmed using night vision. Pam and Tommy it is not. DUD BONZO GONZO!

X-Men 3 is far off from being made as it seems like it is going to be a bitch to get the whole cast back together. The current plan for the sequel is to have Jean Grey’s Phoenix fight Halley Berry’s awful acting in a role she hates doing.

Will Smith is starring in a new romantic comedy about a match maker who claims he can find any person’s true love in 3 days. A female reporter tries to prove him wrong and falls in love with him in 3 days. Then, in a bit of a surprise ending, Will Smith gives it to her in the butt.

Orlando Bloom will costar and produce Haven, a movie about two shady businessmen who flee to the Cayman Islands to escape cops. The cops, or as Orlando call them, ‘orcs’, will try to prevent the businessmen from depositing a file, a file to rule all files, this joke is done.

The Matrix: Revolutions which sucked and Gloomchen will have more on later, made more money than you can imagine. Really, try to imagine a room full of diamonds and gold and hundred dollar bills. More money than that.

Despite critical revile, hardcore fans loved the new Matrix. One nerd was heard saying, “Wow! Who would have guessed that the only way to beat Agent Smith was for Neo to become one with Agent Smith? Hey! Neo was “THE ONE”! But he had to ” At this point of conversation I started to think about vagina.

The family flick Elf did very well, picking up 32.5 million dollars. Man, that’s going to buy Will Ferrell a whole lot of child porn.

Stephen King’s 1408 is headed to the big screen. If it’s a horror movie, it’ll do just okay at the box office. If it’s a sci-fi coming of age story, it’ll tank at the box office and get horrible reviews. If it has a religious theme and a black guy who knows more than he should, it’ll get 18 Oscar nominations. Either way, look for 1408 in a theater near me!

Brendan Fraiser might be in The Mummy 3. Man! With the looney tunes movie and his did he do anything else? Man. He’s done. Thanks for playing, George of the Jungle. We have some lovely parting gifts for you.

Sorry its so short this week but I’m helping my grandma move. Giant big column next week, I swear it. Until then, go to Flea’s site. All kinds of goodies are up including my Excess columns. Flea is a hell of a writer and a hell of a guy.

And now, ladies and gents, the lady known as Gloomchen.

Nihilism and Cupcakes

Aloha, and allow me to introduce myself in a few tender words: my name is Summer, online I go by Gloomchen, and I hate almost every movie that has been made.

It all started in high school when I took an easy-A class entitled “Film Study.” Prior to that, I didn’t really have a favorite movie. I mean, I liked some movies, but I really didn’t know what made one movie better than another other than the fact that it kept me entertained. Well, I learned all about plot and special effects and acting and writing and directing and production and even what the ‘best boy’ does. I combined this enlightenment with all the angst and cynicism of a constantly depressed teenager. Now, a few years later, I can talk for hours about the supreme suck that is Stephen Spielberg or the “talent” of Jerry Bruckheimer.

So, allow me in what you will soon recognize is my infinite wisdom tell you, the lovely readers of Grut, that not only does Matrix: Revolutions suck, but so did the previous sequel, and even the original wasn’t that great. Not that this should be news to anyone, but the original might have stood a chance as being some sort of enigmatic tribute to special effects and a somewhat reasonably original concept if, and only if, fanboys hadn’t ruined it all for us.

That’s right. It’s all YOUR fault. No blaming a bad script, no blaming an endlessly bad Keanu, no pointing fingers at Hollywood’s money grubbing. The only reason the above exist at all is because YOU walk around in your stupid looking PVC trenchcoat and wraparound glasses in the middle of July. It’s because YOU write endlessly dorky fan-fiction and post it all over the Internet. It’s because YOU buy the figurines, the calendars, the coffee mug, the “I *heart* Neo” keychain. You’ve made yourself a target of profit.

Never mind that you look COMPLETELY RIDICULOUS. See how ridiculous I look? Don’t do this to yourself.

You know you’re wearing Tony The Tiger pajama pants just like me, too.

Thank you, and good night.


E-mail Gloomy. At the very least, send her a love letter.

And what the hell. Let’s have some fun with google.


“Paris Hilton” whore= 1,430

“Paris Hilton” virgin= 10,500

“Jessica Simpson” idiot= 2,100

“Jessica Simpson” genius= 4,650

“Mandy Moore” talented= 8,290

“Mandy Moore” untalented= 218 Hmmm.

“Harrison Ford” actor= 123,000

“Harrison Ford” gay= 33,200

“Keanu Reeves” Neo= 89,700

“Keanu Reeves Sucks”= 98

“Angelina Jolie” awesome= 32,300

“Angelina Jolie” ass= 112,000

“Britney Spears” tits= 420,000

“Britney Spears” ass= 594,000

“Britney Spears” incest= 332,000

“Britney Spears” “black cock”= 106,000

“Britney Spears” “Ralph Nader”= 3,470

“Britney Spears” “Joshua Grutman”= 14

“Will Ferrell” “child molester”= 203

“Britney Spears” “child molestor”= 736

Madonna “just die already”= 33

Madonna “washed up”= 3,950

Madonna “spank the monkey to the beat of the drum”= 0

“Danny Devito” short= 36,100

“Danny Devito” “well hung”= 36

“I love Clay Aiken”= 317

“I hate Clay Aiken”= 359

“I am Clay Aiken”= 6

“Who is Clay Aiken”= 111

“I want Clay Aiken”= 17


“Tom Green” annoying= 5,300

“Tom Green” AIDS= 3,370

“Tom Green” “cut off his other ball”= 0

“Chris Hyatte” “Scott Keith” “in love”= 11

Well, that was fun for me, but I am tired and you probably don’t need to read any more of this. Prepare for a big one next week! HUGE!