You rule spacecowboyx13x. Now shut up.
Okay, so here we go. I picked a successor, but he might not succeed me. He’s going to have a tryout next week, and then we’ll see. This really sucks for him as he’s going to either get or lose the job based on one column, and he’s bound to try too hard and make a giant mess of things. I’ll still be doing the news for movies and I’d like to do a news report for the African American section and I’ll have a couple of wrestling tales for you, but I think you’ll like the new guy. He’s funny. Don’t think of him as a guy ripping myself and Hyatte off, think of him as a guy telling jokes and judge him on whether or not he makes you laugh.
It wasn’t an easy choice, and I’d like to thank the other 3 finalists. Ian, Rob and Jason, your stuff was funny. You’d make fine replacements one day. Unfortunately, I’m only giving up the Junk News column once. I’ve heard that Keith might be getting sick of writing the same column every week! Quick, learn how to judge stuff and come up with a clever word for 0.
Anyway, here are the fake news stories and then the winning report done by the winner .
JUNK NEWS! HUZZAH! with Stephen Randle
1. Chris Jericho has been accused of embezzling funds from the WWE. He is reported to have stolen somewhere in the area of 2.8 million dollars. While charges have yet to be pressed, Jericho has disappeared from the hotel the WWE superstars were staying at in Tampa.
2. Kamala passed away today at the age of 53. No details are available yet. The thoughts of 411 are with Kamala’s family.
3. Ric Flair has filed for divorce from his wife of 25 years when he discovered that David Flair is not actually his son. Details are sketchy, but there are reports that Jim Ross and Triple H had to talk Ric Flair down from a drunken suicide attempt. Despite all of this drama, Ric has yet to miss a house show or television appearance.
There are those who might have found the fake news items Grut created too sensitive to mock. That’s why it’s fun having no conscience in these matters. My name’s Stephen Randle, and I just may be the greatest thing to hit Thursday since…hmmm…well, I’ve written myself into a corner again. Anyway, on to the entirely made-up news!
So, Jericho may or may not have embezzled 2.8 million dollars (roughly 5 billion dollars, Canadian) from WWE. Well, they’ve already used up WWE New York, the XFL, splitting the brands, 9/11, the war in Afghanistan, the war in Iraq, and the falling economy as excuses to declining stock prices at shareholder meetings, so this must be a godsend. For a second there, Vince was worried he actually might have to admit that the company was losing money due to poor product.
In completely innocent, unrelated news, Bret Hart announced in his newspaper column today that, thanks to an anonymous donor, he would be receiving full cybernetic enhancement, enabling him to fully recover from the effects of his past stroke. Once completed, Bret looks forward to running amok in New York City, crushing buildings and whatnot, as revenge on the city for booing him during his Survivor Series match with Steve Austin. Vince McMahon could not be reached for comment, having allegedly gone into hiding at the news.
In other news, Kamala, the second greatest wrestler to ever come out of deepest, darkest Africa, has sadly passed away at the age of 53. As a young fan, I personally enjoyed watching the Ugandan Giant wrestle in his own unique style, and I am quite sorry to hear of his passing.
Vince McMahon, in what he calls “fitting tribute” to Kamala, has ordered Mark Henry to undertake a gimmick change. Henry will now dress in a grass skirt with painted symbols on his chest and face, and attempt to pin opponents while they are laying on their stomachs. Henry will be accompanied by The Reverend Teddy Long, trying to convince Hamala (as Henry will now be named) that he is, in fact, a man.
Oh, and the greatest wrestler to ever come out of deepest, darkest Africa? Why, Akeem the African Dream, of course. Who else?
Ric Flair is divorcing his wife after finding out his son is not, in fact, his son. Wait, wait, I heard about this one. Isn’t this the one where Stacy’s the result of a one-night stand involving Ric, and David Flair ends up marrying her, and it turns out that Vince Russo was the father of Stacy’s baby? Oh, wait, this is real life? Are you sure?
Gee, a man who spent his life claiming to be the world’s greatest playboy finds out his wife cheated on him. Is that irony, karma, or just a coincidence? I can never keep them straight.
Until next time, remember, it’s not so bad being forgotten under the glass ceiling, because it’s easier to get away with things when no one’s watching you.
JUNK NEWS! HUZZAH!
YOU SEE WIDRO? YOU FANS? ANYONE CAN DO IT! I am not special! I am not unique! I am simply another genXer with a keyboard and an education! For those of you automatically dismissing Stephen Randle because he’s not me, well, HE IS ME! Not literally! I’m just saying we’re all the same. Take that ringing endorsement Randle. (Read that sentence again but think of Randle the way Seinfeld says Newman. There we go.)
Hey, look at it this way. If I made the right choice, you won’t be able to tell the difference between myself and Stephen Randle. Do me a favor and write to him at dai_shar@yahoo.com. Make sure he knows how good he has to be or you’ll write to Widro and get him fired.
Nidia got new breasts! Man, in what world would you make a passable living as a stripper with what God gave you but then have to get implants to be a professional wrestler? Call me stupid, call me overly religious, call me a fool who believes that God wants you to be happy with what you are given, but Nidia is hell bound.
Kurt Angle is suffering another neck injury. Kurt, I’d like to reiterate what Hyatte said in his column and tell you that Hyatte’s father had sex with Hyatte in front of their whole family on Thanksgiving.
On NWA:TNA, Sonjay Dutt fought Chad Collyer in a number 1 contenders match to be placed into a three way match with a participant named X. Finding out information like this makes me proud to be a soon to be former wrestling news reporter .
ATTENTION! ATTENTION! THE DATE HAS BEEN CHANGED ON THE WWE CONFERENCE CALL! THIS IS NOT A DRILL! THIS IS NOT A JOKE! IF YOU CANCELLED PLANS TO PARTAKE IN THE WWE CONFERENCE CALL, YOU MAY RESUME YOUR PLANS! FOR GOD’S SAKE, JUST LISTEN TO ME!
Jessica Lynch had nude photos that were bought by Larry Flynt. Flynt says he bought them to protect them from being released, and I tend to believe him. Say what you will about Larry Flynt, but I’m pretty sure the guy is too paralyzed to jerk off to Lynch photos. I can’t wait for black.
Michael Hayes pushed for John Cena to FU Chris Benoit at the end of the Smackdown tapings despite everyone else being against it. It seems odd that a member of the Raw team would push so hard for an up and coming Smackdown face to have his good guy status made murky by attacking such a major face like Chris Benoit. Chris Benoit, who is so popular kind of. I mean, we like him! He’s an awesome wrestler. Sure, he can’t cut an interview and snorts coke from time to time, but that doesn’t make him unpopular. I guess well, maybe ah, screw it. This is sorta interesting. Let’s see what happens.
The Raw rating has jumped to an amazing 3.7! Well, it’s not amazing, but it’s okay. Hey, look at it this way. Backwards, that’s a 7.3 gnitar.
Maven and Randy Orton worked a recent house show “the old fashioned wayâ€Â, blowing a senior official to get on the card and then trading headlocks.
Paul Heyman has been giving wrestlers in the Smackdown locker room hope that their input can be accepted. Hearing that there was hope and morale was rising, Vince McMahon sent out a memo stating that Nathan Jones was to be pushed to be the next WWE Smackdown champion. Morale fell slightly, but not enough, so Vince then told Chris Benoit that they’d do a little gimmick experimentation with him by having him come out to the ring next month as “Christine Benoit, The Rabid Little Princess.†Morale fell again, but still not enough, so Vince said he was concerned about drugs backstage and ordered cavity searches for all employees at house shows except for himself and his family done by someone with gigantic hands. Morale is once again down.
STOP THE PRESSES! NWA:TNA has updated their website. START THE PRESSES AGAIN!
Spike Dudley passed away at Stephen Richard’s home this past week. I’m sorry, that’s Crash Holly. I mean oh boy. I’m not going to recover from this one.
Seriously, Michael Lockwood died at the age of 34. I can’t believe the lack of outrage. This man had a hit angle for the WWE and when he was finished with it they wasted him. He was considered too short to capitalize on great promo skills, a gimmick that really drew fans, and good wrestling skills. He was 34, and now he’s dead. He was fun, he was fired by the WWE, and now he’s dead. They let him get to the King of the Ring finals and then they put him in the corner. I hope there’s a heaven. I doubt there is, but I hope there is. I hope there’s more than 34 years on life for a guy who made me laugh and entertained me. I hope it doesn’t matter how tall you are up there. Thanks for the laughs, Crash. The thoughts of 411 are with the Lockwood family.
Crash was found dead in Stephen Richard’s home. Crash didn’t die there, but Stephen saw HHH putting on a Kane mask and needed to get Crash out of there before the ugliness began.
Ric Flair was not at Raw due to the death of his mother. The thoughts of 411 are with the Flair family.
I’m sorry, yes, our thoughts are with the Lockwood family. Our prayers are with the Flair family.
Jeez, relax! We’re still praying for Hawk! I mean, look, our prayers are with the Flair family and our thoughts are with the Lockwood family, but we still think of Hawk everyday.
MY GOD! Look, okay, we might not think of Owen everyday any more, but we remember him. We remember Owen, we’re thinking Hawk, our prayers are with Flair and our thoughts are with Lockwood.
Umm I do not know this Brian Pillman of whom you speak? SECURITY! Yes, former football player, that’s very nice. The Hollywood Blondes? What the hell is a Hollywood Blonde? SECURITY! Look lady, our thoughts and prayers and all that stuff is a little taken up right! Who are you? Gorilla Monsoon? Jesus, leave me alone! Bret, I’m putting your mom and dad and Davy in with Owen, okay? Mae Young? She’s still alive! What? Oh. That’s well, she’s not dead yet! What do you mean I can save her? I have the power to travel a few days back in time to save Mae Young? Okay, I’ll do it! Here I go. WOOOOOOOOOOHHHHHHHHHOOOOOOHHHHH! I’m in the past! Okay! Mae Young, watch out for that piano! I did it! I saved Mae Young! Now how do I get back to the pres WOOOOOOOHHHHHHHHOOOOOHHHHH! I did it! I traveled into the past and saved Mae Young’s life but wait. That means you didn’t hear about her dying! That means I don’t need to extend my sympathies to the Young family! YES! Okay, Pillman can have our sympathies. SECURITY!
Bubba Ray Dudley is pissed about the continued push of Mark Henry. “Some pushes just continue forever,†said Bubba. “Look at Mark Henry! Sure, he was over in the Nation and when he was in a tag team with D-Lo. His single’s push failed! It failed horribly! The only way he can be over is in a tag team, and if you’re unable to make the transition from tag team wrestler to singles wrestler you shouldn’t be pushed anymore! You’re just running in place.†Bubba then laced up his boots to go win his 28th tag team title.
On Smackdown, a bunch of matches take place promoting Survivor Series and John Cena begins his rise to the top of the WWE. Hey, any main event with Matt Morgan and Bob Holly in it can’t be well hmmm.
And now, my final piece of Junk News. For now. I’m sure I’ll be back in like 8 months or so when my fan base dwindles and I’m desperate to be loved again.
Lance Storm continues to suffer from back pain. This is my final wrestling report, so I’d like to stop joking for a moment and send a serious message to the WWE. Please, please don’t fire Lance Storm. I know his gimmick isn’t lighting a fire under anyone’s ass, but the man can wrestle. If this back injury is serious and he has to retire, he can still be a hell of a teacher. If he can wrestle and the face turn doesn’t work, let him go back to his, “If I can be serious for a moment †spiel. It worked! “Splendid,†was a funny heel catchphrase that you failed to capitalize on. In a profession with flashy guys like Shawn Michaels and Chris Jericho there has to be a place for those without an ounce of flash. A guy who made a career being absolutely serious. A family man, a supporter of authors, and a man not afraid to communicate with his fans. He’s not just a great wrestler, he’s a good human being. Keep him around. If you do, I promise to watch Raw whenever I’m home on Monday night. Unless the Giants are playing, but even then I’ll flip. God Bless ya, Lance.
And God Bless you, readers. Look for me in movies and black. Remember, Jesus can’t create a rainbow, but he sure made me one hell of a columnist. Is that the old saying? That’s the old saying, right? No? Whatever.
Huzzah.
AND FUCK OFF!
