411 Music's Friday News Bootleg 11.14.03

Welcome back to The Bootleg. I’ve always wondered why the Autobots didn’t recruit more “robots of color”. I mean, Jazz was pretty much Optimus Prime’s right-hand man and a loyal soldier for years. They couldn’t find room for one more brutha? And spare me your votes for Blaster. It’s no secret that he was built in the suburbs of Cybertron and enrolled in all the best schools.

Last weekend was full of highs, lows and creamy middles for The Bootleg Family. On Friday, we discovered that the bulge in the wife’s gut isn’t really gas, after all. It’s a boy. Don’t get me wrong…all I want is for the lil’ tax break to be healthy, but a girl would’ve been so much less work for me. Once a girl grows boobs and starts bleedin’ for no apparent reason, my job is done. She’s mom’s problem after that. My only duties are lookin’ scary when she brings her first boyfriend home and “accidentally” walkin’ in on her first slumber party. “Oops, I fell over…Amber, help Mr. Cameron up. Oops, down I go, again…” And I’m spent.

By the way, we’re takin’ suggestions for names. The current leaders in the clubhouse are “Pootie Tang”, “Pudd’n Head” and “Grady”. Those’ll be tough to beat.

The rest of the weekend was spent celebratin’ the one-year anniversary of our forced union. On Saturday, I took the lil’ porker to a pretentious steak house. I blew $115 on a dry pork chop and three waiters for our table, who kept the water glasses full and asked us, every 2 minutes, if everything was prepared excellently. We could’ve gone to Sizzler, spent $80 less and gotten that tasty cheese bread.

411 and The Goodness fade to black in less than two weeks…Which was almost the exact same life span for Fox’s over-the-top drama Skin, before it got cancelled.

Can’t Get Enough Of That Wonderful Duff

Bubblegum pop star Hilary Duff has just inked a deal to release a line of dolls in her likeness. The dolls should be in your local K-B Toys by Christmas and feature three “exciting” models. “Rock Star” Hilary, “TV Star” Hilary and “Movie Star” Hilary. There’s still no word on whether or not Series #2 will feature “Eventual Drug Rehab” Hilary or “Reduced to Soft Core Porn” Hilary.

Actually, that’s just the worst-case scenario. There are lots of directions her career could go. I’m predicting that her agents will ignore her mediocre talent and overrate her box office appeal, based on a hit movie that drew nothing but 12-year-old girls. She’ll gain 50 pounds and be a Hollywood afterthought in no time. I call it the “Alicia Silverstone” plan.

From Justin to Kelly to Jail

American Idol runner-up Justin Guarini has found himself on the business end of a lawsuit. A Pennsylvania couple is suing the mocha-brown, knotted-hair star of screen and stage for $100,000.00 over a traffic accident that occurred over a year ago in the little town of Bethlehem. State driving records obtained by The Bootleg under The Freedom of Information Act, indicate that at the time of the original collision, Justin was cited for following too closely and paid a $100 fine. This was the first rear-end traffic accident for Justin and his eighth rear-ending encounter overall. And, he’s not even Cath…nah, that’s goin’ too far.

In Tha Club…BROTHER

50 Cent is in trouble for the first time…this week. A photographer for the New York Post is suing Mr. Cent for $21 million on the grounds that the rapper’s bodyguards roughed him up while he was takin’ pictures of the publicity-shy 50. I don’t know, but I think I’m gonna have to take the mealy-mouth brutha’s side on this one. My guess is that ten years ago, 50 was in attendance in Dayton, Ohio for the first ever King of the Ring PPV. We all know what happened there, don’t we? Hulk Hogan defends the belt against Yokozuna. Just as Pumpkinhead is on his way to another scripted victory, an errant fireball from a ringside photographer singes the last six hairs on Hogan’s dome and costs Hulk the title. That kind of memory stays with you.

When Life Imitates Art

Gangsta rapper Tray Dee was arrested last week for shooting at a group of people in a supermarket parking lot. The former Snoop Dogg protégé is being held on $150,000 bail and faces no less than five felony counts, including assault with a deadly weapon and driving a stolen vehicle. Jeez, this sounds more like an hour of Grand Theft Auto than real life. Y’know, I’ve never played that game. I just don’t think I have the patience for these “adventure” games that require two years and a strategy guide to complete. Back in the ’80s, I was burned numerous times by the likes of Dragon’s Lair and Ninja Gaiden. All that time n’ energy to get to the final confrontation and I was dead in less than a minute. I felt like Thurman Thomas with a pocket full of change.

You Take The Good, You Take The Bad

Did anyone else miss the MTV Europe Music Awards? By all accounts, it was your standard awards show, save for a bizarre running feud between Christina Aguilera and Kelly Osbourne. Throughout the televised event, the two exchanged insults and bitchy little comments like Blair and Jo used to do on The Facts of Life. Don’t look at me like that…it was one of my favorite shows back in the day. At least until it turned into an awful ’80s parody.

Y’all remember…right around the time George Clooney joined the cast and neon colors were all the rage. I could almost stomach all that until the producers introduced Australian exchange student, Pippa to the cast. The late ’80s were a difficult time for our country as Yahoo Serious, Outback Jack and Vegemite spent far too much time on our shores.

Back That Cash Up

Here’s a heartwarming tale…Cash Money Records artist Juvenile is being sued by a New Orleans woman who says the gold-mouth rapper is the father of her child. Okay, I don’t wanna question the motives of a woman who obviously has a tough road ahead as a single parent, but come on. Women don’t sleep with guys who look like this unless they have a lot of money. A lot of money. The saddest part of the story isn’t the lawsuit or the potentially long legal battle…it’s the poor child who’s caught in the middle. Didn’t you click the link? I told you…he’s gonna grow up to look like this.

Yet Another Lawsuit Story

Life isn’t all chicken wings n’ Cristal for Jay-Z’s new “40/40 Club” restaurant. Jigga is currently fighting a pair of lawsuits that allege failure to pay the contractors for work they performed. Y’know, sometimes I think our society has become too damn litigious. There was a movie released not too long ago that contained a thought-provoking pearl of wisdom in regards to conflict resolution. Zoolander exploded into theaters in 2001 backed by the muscle of Ben Stiller and some serious Oscar® buzz. In this movie, the world received its first exposure…to breakdance fighting. If Jay-Z and the Teamsters can agree on who brings the cardboard, I think this is an avenue worth exploring.

Sometimes The News Just Writes Itself

It looks like someone forgot to set the egg timer on Jessica Simpson’s 15 minutes of fame and pestilence. She’s currently in talks with ABC Television for a possible sitcom to start in the fall of 2004, as well as a candidate to reprise the role of Jeannie in the big screen remake of I Dream Of Jeannie. Hmm…blonde, stupid, annoying…got her big break on MTV. I’m tellin’ ya, it’s like Jenny McCarthy all over again. And when the (non-Playboy) highlight of your career is escorting Shawn Michaels to the ring at Wrestlemania XI…well, maybe Jessica ain’t got all that high to aim. Not that there wasn’t a legacy to uphold…Elvira, Marla Maples and Rhonda Shear had all worn the “celebrity whore” crown at previous ‘Manias, y’know.

Nick’a Please…!

conceptualized by Nick Salemi

The latest fad in hip-hop to combat bootlegging and downloading is this Willy Wonka “golden ticket” promotion. Buy Obie Trice’s album and you possibly can win a chance to “spend the day in the studio with Eminem”. G-Unit is giving away G-Unit medallions and buying Jay-Z’s The Black Album could get you a brand spankin’ new Mercedes Benz. You have to commend them for coming up with something new. I think we can all expect other rappers to follow suit. How about…

Chingy: In select copies of the new Chingy CD the winner will get to write, produce and perform his entire next CD. Because if this asshole can move a million units ANYONE can!

Method Man: After 5 years of waiting, Mr Meth’s label Def Jam has decided the golden ticket inside Method Man’s CD, “Tical 0: The Prequel” will include a golden ticket redeemable for an ACTUAL COPY OF METHOD MAN’S NEW CD! Move it on your left!

Ol Dirty Bastard: Spend a day With Ol’ Dirt Dawg! Join him for an early morning crack sale, meet up with his parole officer for lunch, helping him provide urine samples and close out the day spending a few hours with good ol Russell Jones in a detox clinic! There’s one catch though, the whole time you have to sing the words to Shimmy Shimmy Ya.

Rakim: OK, so he’s never gonna have another album but that’s something we can build on. How about when you buy any Aftermath CD, if you get the ticket you are bestowed the privilege of getting start-up money for your own label, get to sign Rakim, one of the greatest MCs of all time, have him record an entire album and then just drop him for no reason, close the label and go back to your regular life.

And finally…

Nate Dogg: Since the recipe for anything hot is to add a shot of Nate Dogg, with the purchase of Nate’s new joint he’ll be offering his services to the lucky winner by accompanying you throughout a day in your life, singing a hook for each event in your day. If you have a dentist appointment, Nate will be right there with you singin, “youuuu, betta learn to floss moooooo, your dirty ass teeeeth/ain’t gonna take much mooooo”.

If you’re low on grub and venture to the grocery store, Nate’s got your back… “Muth***as ain’t never seeeeen / somebody that cheeeeap/Doritos and sodaaaa ain’t enough for you to eeeeeat.” And so on.

In all honesty this may the greatest prize ever. I’d buy 100 Nate Dogg CDs for the chance at that.

General Haberdashery

I’m sure I don’t have to pimp 3 Tha Hard Way to those of you who know ’em, but for the handful of new Bootleg readers who’ve asked (and haven’t read the archives), they’re the weekend supergroup that I formed with Smilo n’ Fernandez, so that I could get the rub from their skillz and the rub from all their leftover groupies. Especially Fernandez, cuz he likes ’em chubby.

Fernandez brings 35 pages of wit and wisdom each and every week. And with every hour of procrastination, 411 gets this much closer to a Mathan Erhardt heel turn.

Smilo asks an important question, which I won’t be able to answer until next month, when I start writing for…whoops, I guess I can’t technically talk about that for 13 more days.

Cocozza owes us two lyrical cuts next week. Hey, I just realized that he gets the last ever News Column before 411 goes dark forever. Maybe he’ll trade it to me for a pair of Gregg Jefferies rookie cards.

E.vocator’s V.iew I.s L.aw. He’s not a nice man. This week, he battles his metabolism, his liver and Britney Spears.

Junk Mail

Before Widro n’ Ashish kill the lights here at 411, I wanted to take the time to thank everyone for their support of this column. Last week’s Bootleg garnered some of the best feedback I’ve received, both in terms of quality and quantity.

What was my favorite? Well, between emails and Instant Messenger, I received about twenty identical codes for the Mike Tyson fight in Punch-Out. I swear to God, I’m seeing “007-373-5963” in my sleep.

I also received a handful of emails that remembered a brutha from the G.I. Joe team that I forgot. M’man Justin gets right to the point:

Hey what up. The Fridge was a GI Joe. You missed him.

C’mon, y’all…William “The Refrigerator” Perry was a Joe by mail-order only. If you sent in five proofs-of-purchase and paid shipping and handling, you were able to add “The Fridge” to the ranks of Shipwreck, Mainframe, Lady Jaye and Quick Kick.

And that’s just not right. You can’t buy your way into “America’s Daring, Highly Trained Special Missions Force”. That’s like how the Dinobots used Proposition 48 to gain entry into the Autobots. I’m all for affirmative action, but they couldn’t even form a goddam sentence for cryin’ out loud.

Pretend Football

Team Goodness made it back into the win column this week. LaDanian Tomlinson is the freakin’ man, but there are reports that Randy Moss sustained a concussion last weekend against the Chargers. That would normally be cause for concern, but since Randy’s Vikings are playing Aaron’s Evocator’s Raiders, he could go out there on one leg and burn Charles Woodson five or six times.

Coming Soon

The feedback that the Countdown to Resurrection series has received has been beyond even my expectations. I promise to respond to everyone individually who has taken the time to praise or constructively criticize this exhaustive little project of mine. If you haven’t been following along, I’ll forgive you if you click here.

I don’t wanna overhype the last few parts, but the best is yet to come. Look for reviews of the Resurrection soundtrack and movie coming this weekend, as well as the 411 Roundtable panel discussion on the impact and influence of Tupac. We’ll have thoughts and commentary from fans, detractors and the 411 Family. Evocator. Mathan. Ashish. This one will get all Pac fans talking.

The sun sets on the 411 Experience. Find out the final fate of The Goodness. Get at me on AOL or Yahoo IM: ajcameron13